Sweet nothing...

Listening to: Ellie Goulding - Wish I Stayed

 

I've never looked forward to October for many years now..mostly because it's the month I reflect on my life especially when the 12th arrives. At 24, I'm nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I've got a lot to be thankful for but I guess we all have expectations of where we hope to be at a certain age. It's the time of the year, I think back and regret overwhelms me. A friend told me it's okay to be open so here's me letting you in my foolish thoughts.

I question God often these days. Am I not worth it? Don't I deserve some happiness? Has life truly become so meaningless? Lately I feel so disappointed, betrayed even. I've held back for years, kept myself..hoping for the best...played by the freakin rules. He's brought me so close and just when I finally allow myself to lay my fingers on it, He takes it away from me. If this is meant to be humourous, God, this time I refuse to laugh. 

Being the fool that I am, I'm still holding on to...nothing. I want to scream, I'm so angry yet can't help feel so used and downright stupid. I actually thought I was worth it. So silly. 

My birthday wish this year is the courage to move on, look ahead and try to be a happier me. And I hope You'll make it easier on this fool. I hope I'm deserving of atleast that.

happy birthday fool 

Confessions of...she

She didn't need words yesterday nor did she need any poison to soothe her. I wish I could tell you, she just needed you to hold her and tell her it'll all be fine, lie even if you have to. But where were you...fuck you! I hate you for this..Where are you? Where?

Hate is a strong word but I really hate you. Over the years, its been easier to just hate you. Most of the time it's the only thing I can do...

I wonder sometimes if the only thing I am to you is a joke. Another opportunity to break the girl who always seems so sad. What do you want from me? I want to tell you how fragile I really am, how fragile you make me and how this 'ego' I have is the only strengh I have in me. How can I when all I am is a joke?

I'm tired of listening to how tough you have it, how difficult life has been, how my problems are nothing to yours..It's always about you..I'm just tired..do you seriously think everthing has been all roses and sunshine for me? Really? Skrew you! So don't ask me if I'm fine...I'm not. Let's just leave things at that.

I wanna tell you that I'm scared. Boy, I might be a coward to all things supernatural but really, what I fear is reality. I watched Revolutionary Road and I'm downright scared because I'm fearful that it just might become reality...Damn, I wish you were here again..sighs. 

Leave me alone, please. Thanks.