Picking up the pieces...

Listening to: Cameron Mitchell - You could be happy

I should really call this a monthly blog. My postings have become so few and far between that sometimes I wonder if I should even go on. For now I guess I still have a few more words in me, so till then I'll keep writing.

It's funny and yet cruel how life has certainty been a bitch! Juggling two jobs, RYM, sunday school, church, friends..is no easy business. I'm ever so exhausted from work and even weekends are starting to lose their meaning. Right now the only consolation of being employed is the paycheck at the end of every month, aside from the lower workload that came with Ramadan. (which I am thankful for.)

I look at the four of us, each slowly but surely heading to different paths. Gosh, we surely never thought this would be the future. We're definitely trying our best to work through the distance and problems to keep this relationship strong, I'm glad for that. One thing I pray for is that He binds our paths - that no matter how distinct they may be, they'll always intertwine. I couldn't bear losing you gurls...I hope I never do.

Over the years, I admit I've lost quite a few friends. But really, if having these friends mean you have to try so hard to fit in or perhaps even exist, then is it worth it? I'm glad for this great handful I have and although few, we are strongly knitted..that's surely a rare find.

The past months have been a rush with work commitments and most importantly RYM whilst making sure I have 'me' time which mostly means retail therapy..lol. Shopping although is utterly enjoyable has become somewhat dangerous especially now that I'm earning. Some how being employed seems to make it okay to splurge more every now and then..lol. Really bad, I know!

Now for the juicy bits. The scandals, relationships, boys...lol. Errmm, well I don't think I have much of an update for that...lol. But I guess it's okay. Attended the recent RYM 'First Love' camp and it really helped me come to terms with my current situation. Looking past the perceptions of the world and peer pressure, it's more than okay to be single! I enjoy it, I love being inclusive rather than exclusive and most of all, I have the luxury and time to do God's work...which I love. I think, this is the best time for me to find true friendship especially in boys and hopefully learn to trust them and perhaps break down my walls when the right one comes along.

Till then, I'm gonna enjoy being single!(sings Cameron's 'Love Can Wait For Me')
ps. enjoy them photos!:)

my fun colleagues & ex-colleagues

RYM camp participants, all 50 of us! (nice t-shirts?)

Got bullied as usual...thanks, boys

This poor boy got his underwear stolen at camp. Srsly...(tho he does look happy about it) LOL

The RYM family - we are not perfect but I love you guys nonetheless.

I miss us... I miss Sundays, I miss our silly jokes, I miss our drunken adventures, I miss rides in your car...*come back, sygs!*;(

Can you make it all better?

Gonna need a whole lot to calm her down today.

Missing you more than ever.

Wish you were here.

wish you were here

Give me strength...

Listening to: Blackbird - Cameron Mitchell (cover)

Messed things up. Crap. I'm glad you're acting as if nothing happened when really I'm trying to avoid you. Sighs, I'm sorry. Guess I've always been good at running away.

What are we doing? Boy, what is this? I want to give up this time, call it quits. For something that seems so simple to others, seems the hardest for me. This time I think these walls are just unbreakable. I'm sorry, hopefully I'll have the courage to tell you soon.

Perhaps this is who I am. Perhaps this part of myself is unchangeable. Everyone has a plan in life, I guess this one just isn't for me. I'm not going to blame You for it instead I hope You give me the strength to live out this life and in time learn to love again.

I'm sorry, please give me time...

Avoiding the very thought of you...

Please don't make me miss you yet again. I really don't need this, not today.

Sigh, i miss you.

Just maybe...

Thank you for taking this dormant heart on an adventure. She's slowly beginning to believe that she might actually matter.

Thank you.

Missing you terribly...

Read your letter today.

Told myself not to get emotional but I guess it's inevitable. Damn it. I'm so utterly worried. I wish I could be superman (or supergirl) for a day and rescue you if ever you needed an escape.

It's heartening to know that amidst everything you're going through, you still take the time to ask about the very things that I struggle with currently. I guess with you, I never had to utter a word, you know me so well. I miss you so much right now.

I guess distance really does things to people. It made me realise just how much I depend on you and need you. Also how you were always there for me. It made me question if I ever was that for you. Looking back, I doubt I gave enough and I'm so sorry for this.

I keep a picture close to serve as a reminder that we're all very much together regardless the distance, the troubles and uncertain future ahead of us. And it believe it or not, it helps me get through the day a little bit more.

I love you sayang & missing you terribly...

karebear

Giving up...

It's funny how I've never been good enough..even after all these years. I hate myself for trying so hard. Now, I just give up.

p.s. a picture isn't gonna make you any more proud of me. So let's just quit being fake.

Broken...

It's funny how I thought about you just moments ago amidst the hectic schedules, the numerous expectations..with the plectrum in hand. Other than your friendship, I guess I've never told you how grateful I am for this small but significant gift. In many ways, I am completely dependable upon this tiny object though how silly it may sound. I think about the numerous occasions where I've almost lost it, left it behind, lent it and after all this years I still have it very much intact. I think most importantly, it's the remnants of what became of us and how much you used to care - that you believed in my talent way before I even did.

This post, by far seems out of place with my lack of writing and the abandoned state of my blog but really even if I explained the recent events of my life...would you believe me? Sometimes I look back and think, "Is this really happening?". Life just seems so surreal and very much out of my controlling power. I wonder what you would think of me now if you only knew...and I try imagine how you've been all this while and the person you've grown into. But most importantly, I hope your content with life and that it has treated you well.

I hold the plectrum in hand now, as I type these words. I shudder at the thought that I'll never use it again and I'll never have you in mind or feel the same ounce of confidence that little object some how transferred unto me. That's pretty much me being all desperate and very much exaggerating...but yeah, I guess that's how I feel. Perhaps it's a sign that I really have to put this behind for the sake of the both of us.

I think back and even to this day, I think you never truly understood the person that I am. I try to hide my disappointment but I guess I can't blame you for thinking of me so. I wasn't that girl then, and I'm not that girl now...that much hasn't change. I wish you knew that. I had my reasons for my actions and no, I didn't do it because of anyone else.

If I could have one thing back, I yearn for our friendship. More than anything, more that the relationship, more that the distance, that simple F word that you hate, meant the most to me. It's a shame that after all these years, it's the one thing we've withheld from each other. I think we only have ourselves to blame.

Sure you may think regret has got the best of me, or perhaps I'm getting what I deserve but I had reasons for my actions, that much I don't regret. I guess what I really wanted to say is that I miss you..and albeit my silence and non-existence, I've always cared. And though it may be hard for you to accept this, but the one thing I truly fell in love with is our friendship; the late night chats, the silly messages, the lame jokes, the annoying teasing...and just how much we relied on these simplistic gifts to get us through the mess called life.

I'm sorry for the late posting...I wonder if you noticed