Of letting go & moving on...

Saw my long, over-the-bra length hair one last time before heading off to the hairdressers. Guess my mind already knew I was getting a few inches off my hair, the next time I take a look at it in the mirror.

Not many people know how troubled I get every time I cut my hair even to the extend of tearing when the hairdresser gets a little too scissor-friendly. Perhaps, it's one of the numerous weird antics I have. But then again, everyone's weird..one way or the other...I'm just pretty obvious most of the time..:s

Small talk aside, I guess even a small, insignificant thing like a hair cut needs some getting used to. But more importantly, whether we like it or not, or perhaps whether we accept it or despise it, sometimes we are left with no choice but to move on. Some things are just out of our control.

I guess I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with how things have turned out, even more so as 2010 comes to a close. Some of which seemed simple, uncomplicated before have clearly turned into the complete opposite. Letting go seems like the only option now. I find myself questioning these circumstances, refusing to give in to the reality. Guess, I'm only fooling myself.

With Christmas close at hand, I hope these next few days away from work and home gives me time to clear my head and make the right decisions. But most of all, help me come to terms with the mess that is year 2010.

So here's me wishing everyone a blessed and joyous Christmas. I hope you'll let Christ find a home in your hearts this 25th.

Btw, presents are more than welcome..Thank you in advance. Muaxx:)

PS: RYMers are having a Christmas party. If you're free on the 26, give Alan a call and come join in the fun!

Acceptance...

I wonder if anyone else shares this same feeling I get every time I'm back from a church camp. This beaming, 'nothing can bring me down' feeling. It's as if your defenses are at its highest. If I were a spaceship, you could say my shields would be impenetrable, my force fields would be so strong that radiation from the sun, cosmic rays or even the typical black hole would be nothing compared to it. But of course, I would have to be in Star Trek in order for this to be possible...hehe.

I guess what I'm saying is camps have this profound effect on me. You spend the weekend away from the world, away from worries, away from your routine life. It's amazing how being away from life makes all the difference. How suddenly life seems manageable, how problems you thought were big seem insignificant and small and how much more in tune you are with yourself.

I've been to so many camps in the past...I guess I should rephrase that..I'm fortunate to have had the opportunity. There's always something different that I take back from each. This time I guess camp opened my eyes to struggles I carried but of which I never took time to acknowledge. Perhaps in my eyes I saw them as insignificant or rather I thought ignoring them would help make the burden lighter. I guess that didn't work.

I would normally just brush them aside. In my eyes, how can someone who has no severe health problems, no deformities, no huge family issues, financially stable, normal in most ways call this little worries - problems. I look at Nick Vujicic and I tear wondering what the hell is wrong with me. He may be disabled, incapable of so many things but as a person he is so much more capable, perhaps even more whole than I am. I admire his confidence and his joy for life.

I guess the most significant struggle I face is acceptance. Accepting ones self. It's probably one I've been struggling with for almost as long as I can remember. Gosh, this blog is getting too personal..hehe. It's funny but sometimes I pray to be normal just like everyone else. Perhaps have an average sense of confidence, or even act like most others or may be not stumble in my words every now and then. I feel silly now looking back. What is normal anyways?

Camp enlightened me to my own faults but mostly the thought of 'Am I doing enough?'. This is not one of those,"What am I leaving behind in this world?" or "Owh, what would people say about me when I'm dead?". No, no..hehe. I would be happy to die without a eulogy. I'm glad my family doesn't practice it. But I guess it's a personal thought.

Am I doing enough as a child?
Do I appreciate my family enough? Have I let my parents down?
Am I doing enough for my friends?
Do I genuinely care? Have I been there for them?
Am I doing enough at work?
Have I put in enough effort? Have I put in any thought to moving forward in work?
Am I putting in enough in my faith?
Have I really put my whole body and soul to search for God? Do I really know my faith well? or do I wait for others to question me and tear me down when I can't stand up for it?

Am I doing enough in life? Am I?

No. Disappointing much but true. I don't really know where to start in mending all these areas. I don't even know if I can. I guess the first step is accepting me. I know I'm going to most definitely fail..but for You, I'll try. I'll try.

Failure is not important, how you overcome it is...
Nick Vujicic

Where do we go from here....

Listening to: The Scientist - Coldplay

Left the blog vacant for a bit..again. Sigh, I guess life really takes a toll on you. I guess I can't say I haven't had much time in front of the computer, but rather I've had plenty. I can't also say I've been busy with work because lately work has been treating me well. The only excuse I can put together is that I've been so utterly lazy. Then again who isn't.

I recently watched an episode of One Tree Hill..Yes, the show is still on for the eight season. Episode 8.08 kinda put this question to me, "What comes next?". And it seriously got me thinking..Shit, I don't have an answer to that.

I'm past being a teenager, I'm done with my studies, I've got a job..so what comes next? Where am I heading towards? Where do I see myself in the future? I guess it's not surprising that I don't have the answer to either one of these questions.

I've heard so many comments from friends, lamenting about how hard studying is, how stressful assignments can get, how exams are just about the worst thing one can go through..but I can't help but be envious. I might sound silly, but I like being a student. I like knowing that I've got time to figure things out. That I can work harder the next time, or do things differently every time I fail.

I guess when you're out there in the world, life hardly gives you second chances or perhaps 'trial rounds'. You are judged as soon as you make the tiniest of mistakes or if you don't perform up to the given standard. And somehow your failure will be what most will expect of you in the future. It's scary and nerve-recking all at the same time.

Same goes for relationships. At first everything looks hopeful, things are simple and uncomplicated but after awhile the honeymoon is over and the real relationship surfaces - the problems of dealing with one another, tolerating each others' wants and needs, coming to terms with decisions each one has made...coping with regrets and past actions. Before you know it your view of your partner changes and vice versa. At first you don't notice this but sooner or later, changes become evident. Suddenly you find yourself hating qualities you first fell in love with in that person. It's sad but so true.

So what comes next?
What comes next when you don't see a future?
What comes next if you've discovered the limit to your talent?
What comes next when you have to move on and let him go?
What comes next when relationships, when friendship isn't fulfilling?

What is your next move? I guess we fickle-minded, complicated mortals just have to move on. Pick ourselves up and just hope for the best. That what ever choice we should decide to make will eventually lead to a better, more secure outcome. That what ever relationships we let go of, will eventually lead to newer and closer ties with others. That what ever love we lose, we earn back..stronger and lasting. Well that's what I hope for as November comes to an end and I have one more month left before 2010 closes on me. And I hope for my sake, I find the answers to these questions...

Introducing...Midnight Revolution

I suppose everyone has a list of things they plan to do or achieve before they leave earth. Some of us have even had the list planned out since we were kids, even took the time to jot it down on paper and save it so as to check on it from time to time. For some of us, we're made mental notes, our personal list of aspirations and dreams, frequently changing as we progress with age. And for some of us, well we've thought about making that list...but perhaps never really sat down to think it through. I guess I fall into the second category - the semi-lazy category I suppose..hehe

You see I've always had the urge to push myself to do something I know I would never do. It used to be easier to trick myself into doing these things when I was a kid but now that I'm much older I try my best to stay on the safe side - do the norm & avoid taking risks. But I guess I've always had this need to prove that I could do it one day..just didn't know that one day would come so soon.

I guess this thing I'm talking about is performing..and not just playing the guitar, I think that wouldn't be much of a challenge but really performing with the whole band scenario, instruments and actually daring to face an audience with my amateur, timid voice. Lucky for me, the perfect opportunity arose and I still can't imagine why I said yes without much hesitation. I do think I freaked out a little everyday. Facing a crowd of 500 people including my parents, students and closest friends is nerve-recking. I guess I felt more sympathetic for them because they were forced to hear my voice whether they liked it or not...hehe.

My bandmates were great. Alan; who first pulled me in, really got his act together which to most of us can seem pretty surprising..knowing Alan. We had so many practices that we hardly had any jitters as our performance day got close. And Devon..well his voice pretty much says it all..He practically carried the band when it came to our vocals. I love his harmonizing..(i'm so jealous) I dare say this guy is going far with his talent.

For a whole week, we got really serious. We practiced till our hands were sore, voices were strained, we had the lyrics almost memorized..hehe but what we didn't have was a name. You could imagine all the silly, corny names we came up with..Alan keep insisting on 'sweet Bejibies'..which thank God was not a name we settled for. In the end, Devon saved us with 'Midnight Revolution', pretty cool name...though I don't know if there's a meaning to it. Perhaps it has something to do with RYM & practicing till midnight? lol. Well, it's definitely better than 'Sweet Bejibies'.:P

Performance day came and we didn't suck too bad...lol. My parents were pretty syched that I was actually stepping up and doing something I normally wouldn't. In their own, weird way..I'm grateful and touched by their support. I must say, I have really awesome friends..they calmed my fears and cheered us on. Not too mention their families too. I'm very touched.

I've attached the vids courtesy of Devon below. This is another thing I wouldn't usually do and trust me, i tried to talk myself out of this. But I think this is the best place to share my work, with people who care about me the most. Just note that, I cringed every time I heard my voice....it was shaky, pitchy and yes..I played way too fast..lol.


3.09, Did you notice the look Devon & Alan gave each other! I wonder what they were thinking.. *Slaps self for not smiling at all!*






Think it's about time I put myself out there. I hope that was a little entertaining. Thanks for listening. Muaxx. Forehead, CSD & chayang..next performance is ours!

Going the distance

Been awhile since I paid a visit to the cinema. In truth there haven't been any good shows worth watching after 'Inception' (*reminds self to get the DVD). So for the fun of it, I decided to give in and watch 'Going the distance' (after constant ranting from my sis).

The chick-flick come romance comedy proved to be not bad after all. It didn't hurt that Justin Long was acting in it and I do love geeky, smart, funny guys..How can you not love a guy clad in converse & checks...ahhh.
I should probably mention if you didn't already know, the movie revolves around a long distance relationship and all that fuss that comes with it. Seems like an all too familiar situation for me.

One thing's for sure, long distance relationships are never easy. You spend a lot on phone bills, traveling costs and not to mention have to adjust accordingly to the time difference. But most importantly, you spend most of the time apart missing one another instead of building on that relationship.

From time to time you get that rare opportunity to be together, spend those few days in each others company. That time together is both wonderful whereas on the other hand it leaves you anxious. Perhaps, it's just me but meeting someone you love after a long time apart leaves you wondering whether either one of you have changed from the last time you met. Whether things will just fall back to place like no one ever left the other. For a person who over thinks everything, I guess I thought about it a lot.

But more than missing your other half, or having to spend a good amount of money just to keep the relationship going..having to say goodbye over and over again is what hurts the most. Knowing that neither one of you can stay with the other indefinitely is frustrating. You meet this great person, spend a short time together then have to be prepared to let them go again and again.

In the end, is it worth it? Truthfully, I can't say. I guess it really depends on the individual and on the relationship itself. But perhaps what I can attest to is never to begin a relationship being separated from each other. That is no way to start a foundation.

Long distance relationships aside, the movie was really good. Kept me laughing and kept my friends teary-eyed (not to mention tightly snugged to their other halfs). Did I mention I was yet again 'tianged'...the gf left me to hang out with some guy..pfff. I dare say, I kept my eyes focused on the screen and the screen alone..if you know what I mean..hehe.

Hey there, stranger...

I've missed you. I've got so much to say, so much to put down in words but where do I start? I guess I should start apologizing for the lack in postings or the fact that I've abandoned you for months. Guess blogging took a backseat while a new stage of my life began.

I started blogging awhile ago, amidst friends telling me otherwise, not because I wanted the world to know the 'going ons' in my life but simply for my own viewing pleasure. It's perhaps an assurance that I have my life under control, everything is detailed accordingly, memories are remembered. I guess the lack of postings just shows how much I've let life take control of me.

The past few months have been quite eventful and for the first time in my 22 years of living, they passed by way too fast. Actually everyday seems that way right now. Time is the essence I'm always trying to prolong but sadly it never seems on my side.

College has far ended and it has been four months that I've been Karen Pasqual, Account Executive. Though, I'm grateful for the opportunity given but I must admit the job hasn't really sinked in just yet. It just seems surreal to wake up each day and have to get ready for another day of work. It's such a change from being a student and all the freedom that comes from being one. And boy do I miss that...

So what has the working world taught me? Well firstly, its really a doggie-dog world. People are generally only looking out for themselves and I don't blame them. Any smart person would do that. You meet all sorts of people. Some nice, helpful even. Some fake and inconsiderate. One thing's for sure, as a newbie, most get the idea that they can treat you however they like to because of their superiority or perhaps seniority in the industry. Its sad..but that's the truth.

During this past four months, I think I've never turned to God as much as I do now. My prayer is always the same."God, Help me...Help me get through today..or Help me see You in everyone I meet". He's a constant assurance that someone is always there for me, unconditionally. And that's what I need now...stability.

Being a Catholic or even a Christian in today's world is such a challenge. Especially when the industry requires you to do things that go against the religion. Sometimes I wonder why You put us here. Why submit us to these meaningless rules the world upholds? After all we're just passerbys on earth. We're all going to die someday... and yet we have to succumb to worldly things, whether we like it or not.

To friends, whom I haven't spoken to in what seems like ages. I'm so sorry. I've hardly forgotten any of you but rather I'm trying my best to keep you close if not closer. Most of all, I've missed you and I hope you know that too.

Sigh...Let's hope I get a hold on life and there will be more postings yet to come..*fingers crossed*

Karebear

Just a silly piece of paper...

A day is alike a piece of paper. No, not those fancy ones with glittery sides or fancy detailing but rather a simple parchment from any blue-lined notebook.

As morning starts, the piece of paper is white and clean. You straighten out any bends at its sides and brush aside any debris on it. It's new, simple..non-complicated, full of hope.

As the day goes forward, you note down simple details all in while preserving the paper's almost perfect look. Each note is written neatly, numbered accordingly. Once done, you stand back and admire the effort put into detailing. You feel safe, secure..stable, like the world is yours for the taking.

The evening brings with it changes and suddenly the notes made seem irrelevant,plans and aspirations made seem unachievable. Little crosses and scribbles are made. A splash of red and blue ink spreads all over the once pure parchment.

You cancel out prior details made and add on new detail after detail. No longer does the paper look neat and tidy, white and new. Pen marks are clearly visible, messy handwriting and doodles start to appear.

The paper now looks bent and the white spaces are barely apparent to the now ink-filled paper. It holds no structure, no order. Now the crippled document holds no purpose but rather is filled with confusion and complication. It finds no need, nothing to look forward to..nothing to hope for...

As the day dies, so does the silly blue-lined parchment as it finds rest, crumpled and torn in the dustbin; never to be used again.

Hey you...

Listening to: Zee Avi - Someone you used to know

Hey you,
I thought I lost something of you today. I looked all over and still lost it remained. Though this is probably my fault, taking it for granted by leaving it around, assuming I'd never lose something as precious as that. Serves me right.

Today, it struck me that I'm losing a little part of you everyday. I thought I lost your gift, I can't remember our talks, I forgot the things that drew us close instead I remember all the little hurts we left on each other. Pretty soon all I'll have left are these messages on my phone.

Gosh, I wonder why it had to be so difficult. Why we couldn't over look the past and move forward. Sure, you'll blame me. I think I'm past being sensitive about it. So, go ahead.

I still think about it but I'm gonna respect your wishes. If its what you think is best for you, then great. I'll live by it. But just so you know, I'm done with your games. So don't expect me to play along.

I'm done being angry. I just want you to know, it wasn't easy for me too...

From,
Someone you used to know...
*finally found it..sighs*

Waking up...

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

Stephanie Meyers

My mind is ready to let you go, but my heart just wont let me.

Hardly dreaming...

I once dreamt I was running through a sea of people. Their faces were a blur, as was the fact that I seemed invisible to them. I pushed myself through the crowd and with each step I took my heart pounded hard against my chest.

Pressed for air, I was forced to stop in my tracks. My hands gripped tightly onto my knees. I gasped for air but it did nothing to calm my now aching heart. I felt pressure spread all through my small-built stature.

Bent and weak, I drew in deeper breathes but my throat felt sore and dry. And for a moment there, panic swept through. This is it. Something has got to give, was it going to be my aching heart or perhaps my troubled mind?

Then I thought to myself, this must be a dream. I have to be dreaming. All I need to do is wake myself up from this nightmare. At least that was what I tried to convince myself with. But this was no dream. Panic attacks don't count as dreams, not these ones especially.

I clasped my palm tightly to my chest and with the next breath, I closed my eyes and prayed the hurt away.

I guess now I fit the girl in your story?

Untouchable

Listening to : Untouchable - Taylor Swift

Mum brought back a small bag of freebies full of CDs and guess what was in it.....Taylor Swift's Platinum album..OMG..I've been replaying the album over and over..and I only sleep at 3am so just imagine how many times I get to replay it a day!Lol. I don't care...I love her songs......

i especially adore, 'untouchable'. I got hooked on it a while back when I first heard it. Then it didn't seem to relate but now listening back to the full version of it...I feel like it some what relates to me...I love the song. This sketch is inspired by the song itself.

It actually reminds me of an anime sketch, probably a darker, brunette version of Hagu from Honey & Clover..hehe.

Used the basics for this; watercolour pencils, water and a tint bit of paint.




And this is what I call 'jamming'..hehe. Awesome stuff..Needs company tho..what you think?Lol. Anyways, I'm gonna leave you with Taylor and 'untouchable'..just maybe you'll love it as much as I do.:p

A little of everything...

I haven't been blogging much lately. Think the complacency from staying at home has made me too darn lazy and frankly in no mood to blog. I guess life's daily routines leave no room for excitement. But I love this blog too much to leave it dormant for too long. So here's an update.

I guess the past weeks have been rather good to me aside from almost getting into an accident and my saree incident. Sometimes I wonder if these things only happen to me..gah! Think the past week has been an eye opener in some ways. The phrase 'only time will tell' seems almost believable now. It's funny how time brings out a person's true persona, or clears up a situation which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I guess that's why rushing into anything or making rash decisions isn't advisable. I'm glad I stood my ground and I had You to direct me.

And yes, I've put myself out there. I've applied! It's kinda intimidating now thinking about it. I guess I over think about the smallest matters; 'what they think?', 'if I'm any good?'. I just have to stop stressing myself out and pray that things will work out in the end. (coughs* future cg leader pls pray for me k! muaxx)

Just in case you're wondering, my mum isn't 88...yet..lol. My grandmother is though. Dad decided to surprise her by showing up in Penang. It's good to know that at least some part of my family is some what...normal...hehe.

'M' represents...hmmmm

Other than that, we girls had a hell of a time dressing up for 'Bollywood Night'. I don't think we get to dress up enough..lol. We should do it more often! *(grandma would be so proud of me, 'if only'..lol)

Think I look like I'm wrapped in a whole load of cloth..lol

All of us..:)

Me and mama Mandy

Me and the best dress male for the night..:)

Me and the gf. Your all mine, chayang..muaxx.

Here's a funny skit that will leave you in stitches. I can't get enough of it..hehe. Enjoy..muaxx.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=387907983644&set=vb.610783644&type=2&theater

In a perfect world...

It has been a while since I posted any sketches. I think its either rants or sketches for me, can't have the muse for both at the same time. So since I'm all out of inspiration to write, I thought maybe I should give sketching a go?

Here's a cover of a beautiful sketch I found online. I'm kinda scared of painting it just yet, in case I end up ruining it.:s

Below are a few incomplete sketches/doodles. I never really had the intention to post these up really.

I realise how random this one is. Has just about everything..lol

Singapore photo update

Finally, as promised here are some of the pictures taken from Singapore.

All 5 of us at the hotel room..plus Sukh..lol.

Yes, I got a tattoo..Don't believe me???

Tadaa...hehe..(hair kacau :s)

We girls even had time for church...We made it just in time..hehe.

Clubbing at Clarke Quay. Vanessa had her eyes closed in almost all the pics..lol.

The crowd at the concert.

Hayley with her 'minor threat' t-shirt & leopard print pants...so cute.

The concert group shot.

I love how they look like band pics..now all we need are instruments..

Our hotel, Royal Plaza.

The room we stayed in, or rather the aftermath. Its funny how all 5 of us managed to rough it out. I guess now you get an idea (pic below).

*looks around suspiciously*...Jules don't find my blog..lol.

All in all we three had a great time. Definitely one of the best trips. I miss it already!!!

Sacrificing in vain...

I came home to find closed doors, a darkened house and glancing up at the clock I note that it's only 11.30pm. Though its no surprise to me as that's how my house always looks like after 11 or sometimes even after 10. Today though, it reminded me of something familiar, or rather someone...me. Closed, darkened...one could mistake me for a shadow any day. Sigh.

The Lenten season started a few weeks earlier and with all the buzz going around about sacrifices and penance-making. I thought why not sacrifice something really hard, something I've been struggling with, something that takes a lot of effort...And, I'm glad that I made that attempt. Its sure better than nothing.

Sad truth is, I'm failing...badly. If there is an F in Sacrificing then I would have got it too many times already. I guess you never realise how hard sacrificing is until you do it yourself. Sometimes I feel like I'm sacrificing just for the sake of it and that's not right. I'm suppose to make that effort, to push myself to be better...but sometimes all I want to do is give in. Its owh so easy to just give in...

Sometimes I wish God would give us direct answers to all our questions; gives us the words to speak, tell us what to do... But then I think to myself, would we necessarily want to follow everything God tells us? Most of the time we're stubborn, self-centered individuals who think we're always right. Well that's me, guilty as charged. I guess that's one of the reasons God gave us this huge freedom.

I get so envious of others sometimes. Why does it seem so easy for them while I have to struggle with this problem? It kills me sometimes to think about it or even the mere mention of it. I just don't know what to do anymore... Sometimes I just wanna give up...

Process. Fail. Break. Wake. Reset. Love. Life. Live.
I'm still trying to...

I'll Never Let this Go

I don't think words can truly describe how Singapore really was. It simply was......AWESOME! A whole different experience and it definitely exceeded my expectations. Though at first nothing seemed to work out as planned. There were parent issues, transport issues, and accommodation worries. Worst still, just a few days before the holiday we had passport problems (passport in washing machine..LOL) that ended with two friends excluding themselves from the trip. What a bummer, seriously. Then I thought the trip might just end up sucking.

Surprisingly, Singapore proved us wrong. I guess we were lucky enough to stay within Orchard Rd or rather on Scotts Rd where the city life is clearly evident. I swear you can find malls at every corner you turn. And where there are malls, there are sure to be crowds bustling around. It was definitely a shopping haven for us girls. It reminded me of Bintang Walk, but a more up-scale version of it. Everyone seemed dressed to the nines; fancy dresses, high-heels. We actually felt a lil under dressed in our tank tops and jeans..hehe.

I would have to say, we walked a lot. I guess it's because everything was a few blocks away, so walking made a whole lot of sense. And even when it wasn't very close.....we still walked! Thanks to the guys, who kept assuring us it was just over the bend..liars..lol. As part of the Singapore experience, we saw it fit to check out the clubbing scene. Clubbing there sure was an experience for us. I have never seen so many clubs/pubs located on one street. The great thing about clubs there is the array of people that you see; asians, foreigners, gays. And the fact that it stayed open till 5.30am didn't hurt either..hehe.

Paramore was....everything I thought it would be! They performed well and the crowd that turned up knew they deserved the applause they got! Hayley's voice was incredible. Love that they played 'The only exception', that's my song!hehe. It will definitely be one of the concerts I will always remember! We are such lucky kids..lol.

Singapore was a whole lot to take in but we enjoyed every bit of it. I guess the fact that we all went there as friends left us with no expectations, no strings attached but just pure fun. We could do exactly what we wanted to, fully liberated! I'm so thankful for the friends who made this trip a wonderful one. For taking us around and trying to make sure our three days were fully utilized. We owe you BIG TIME! Best part yet, I think I'm cured..hehe. No more insomniac zombie. Lets hope it doesn't come back! Will definitely post up photo updates as soon as I get them pictures!

In short, Singapore rocked!!!! (whatever happened in Singapore, stays in Singapore ok, guys..hehe.)

Holiday from real

Listening to : The Only Exception by Paramore

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...hehe. Well actually their not but I love singing it anyways. The thought of actually packing and leaving on a holiday with friends seems unreal right now. And not just any holiday but one that was fully paid, (yes I'm proud to say) by me, myself and I.

Going to Singapore for the weekend may not seem like much but I'm quite excited about it. I like Singapore amidst all the dissing I got about it. I'll just have to see the place for myself I guess. I can't wait to catch Paramore live. I remember going crazy over them when Misery Business first came out. And I even remember signing up a petition to get them to come down to Singapore a few years back (remember, Audrey??). The concert is gonna be awesome, for sure. Hayley's voice is to die for. Can't wait!

Planning a holiday is not funny at all. Its quite a lot of work even if its just a weekend trip. There's still loads of things to be done and still loads of things unsettled, mishaps here and there. Hopefully things work out just in time (prays hard*). Though it looks like we might have to find our way around Singapore much on our own, I guess I'm kinda excited about that as well. God knows my life need some excitement..I do foresee us getting lost though..hehe.

A holiday would do us good. A temporary escape from reality. That's what I need for sure. Sigh. I owe it to myself to not think about things while there and that's exactly what I'm gonna try to do. fingers crossed*

Though I hope our paths cross,
but don't ask me, I'd lie...

Swings, kisses, friendship...

Listening to: Darren Ashley - Huff Puff

Where do I start? I'm so conflicted with these thoughts that I can't even put them down in words. There's just too many things that mere words could never fully justify how I really feel. So, I resort to my oldest friend; silence. Tell myself that soon it will all pass. Soon... I guess its easier to run away than face the music. Aint it?

It's funny how many post drafts I even have. Nothing I write seems good enough to truly bring honesty to the matter important to me. Or used to be...I guess you expected me to rant about this sooner or later? Yes, I noticed you.

I thought I'll never have to say this but friendship is so complicated. It never knows what it wants, never settles for just anything and most of all its conditional. You can never truly just be friends with anyone these days. Its a shame really.

You're probably reading this now and I can't stop you. Truth be told, I'm never gonna be able to please you. I can never give you what you want and I guess I noticed that you cant either. And I know your probably angry at me, you're not wrong but you're not right either. So, being upset isn't going to solve anything, nor is being blatant or bitter. Lashing out at me won't get you anywhere. I think you know that.

For the first time, I'm all out of words. You should be happy knowing for once you left me speechless. I know my faults, my weaknesses. I'm trying to change but somethings are just hard to ever change. I hope you understand. I guess I hoped you would.

And you, I guess 10 years of friendship don't mean a thing if its so hard for you to share the simplest of things with me. I was the fool to think we were close. Stupid me. But I'll keep my word no more annoying self of mine, I promise. As for you, the fact that you can't even talk about your past makes me question what a relationship would be like. Who would you imagine I be...your secret? Or the fact that you prefer not meeting my friends? You tell me.

So you do what you must. What ever it takes...but don't turn it on me. Don't make this my choice, it never was. If you think its best for you then be man about it and don't make me the excuse. Though you may not believe this but I always want whats best for you. Just so you know, I don't think you're helping yourself.

And you, friendship doesn't automatically mean FWB privileges..especially not with me. A NO does not mean I'm playing hard to get. It simply means I'm not interested. Being single doesn't necessarily make me available. I seriously think you need help.

As for you, I guess I never saw you as you would have liked me too. I'm probably a hypocrite in my own ways. I always had this ideal image of how things would be but I never accepted the fact that we are two different individuals. Truth is, I'm afraid to because some how I think our personalities would clash. I guess that's why I never had the guts. To me, you'll always be my 'what if'.

What is friendship? I think somewhere along the line it lost its true meaning. I wish I was back at 6 when friendship didn't seem so difficult. Back when we were just foolish kids who knew nothing more then swings, innocent kisses and unconditional friendship. I miss us then. I guess I was a fool to expect the smallest of things; friendship. I shouldn't have expected anything at all.

i miss us...messy haired, huge glasses & elf ears

Let's play truths...

Listening to: Something Corporate - Konstantine

The truth is I've never been any good at this,
I'm always the lamest one in the lot,
Reason being theres' nothing I've got hiding thats' worth any attention.

Truth is I miss who you used to be,
I miss your sincerity and selflessness,
Most of all, I miss our friendship,
But I guess thats unfair of me considering I've changed too
I guess change is the only constant..

Truth is I'm scared to talk to you,
I'm scared of feeling dejected..
Because thats' how you make me feel..

Truth is I wish you didn't make all these promises,
Because deep down I wish you'd fulfil every one of them
Though however impossible they may be.

Truth is I'd love to spend time with you,
Instead I make up excusses.
Because the truth is sometimes I'd rather be alone
Than let you see me this way.

Truth is I want to let you go,
And in some ways I think I have,
Just that in all other ways I'm still desperately holding on...

Its always been YOU...

I don't know how you do it. How you can take this broken down self of mine and make me feel whole again. How you make the simplest things touch me and heal me again and again. So, thank you. Thank you for making me feel worthy to stand in your midst. For always giving me a reason to live when the world gives me none. And for the times I feel defeated, you give me the strengh to touch someone elses' heart. Thank you my Lord, my Lover & Friend...

sore and physically defeated but so in-love with YOU...

Never easy being the enemy...

I'm so tired. So exhausted that my eyes look teary and swollen like I've been crying the whole day. I should probably think of bed and trust me thats' what my body is telling me. But my mind just won't have it. I may be physically drained but emotionally I'm on a mission. " I will not sleep until I have this out of my chest".

I wonder why people do the things they do. Maybe I should re-word that. Why do people who supposedly care for you, love you or take you as their friend, do the things they do.

It's something I can never understand. How someone can belittle another person or say or do things just to spite the other. All the while, supposedly 'being friends'. Theres' a saying that a person belittles another just so they can feel whole. Well maybe that could be it, but wheres' your conscience in that, if you know it's a friend you're hurting? Or perhaps you weren't a friend to begin with?

It's this little dilemmas that make me hate growing up. I still don't understand how enemies can emerge like mushrooms after a rain shower especially when all you ever did was care for the other. What makes you an enemy then? because things didn't go their way, because they expected more? I'm still trying to figure that out.

I've never been outspoken or extraordinary. In most groups, I would gladly just fade into the background. I don't expect to be treated special or even be the main attention of the group. All I ever want is to enjoy the company of the people around me. Try to be as best of a friend as I can be. Some probably think I sound like a fake. Boo hoo...it's my freakin blog!!!!

God, how do I be the grown up in this situation when all I want is to have none of this. How do I put up with this any longer? All I want to do is leave this part of my life, walk away and act as if it never existed. But how can I? Doing so would only hurt friends of whom have been nothing but good to me.

So what do I do instead? I give you a smile, say its nice to see you. And even after you hurt me, i say take care, see you soon. All the while, I'm hoping I save no grudges against you or that I don't sound unsincere in my words. I act the fool, as if I am so stupid, or slow to catch or know what you're doing to me. God only knows how much longer I can take your crap!

A little photo update...

Was itching to do some painting so I jumped at the chance to design a poster for dad's BEC thingy. Basically, the task was to design a poster that reflected on the BEC community of my area. So this is what i came up with. The effect isnt as nice since it was done on manila cardboard. Had no choice since I was stuck in Kedah and my parents were too lazy to drive to a proper art store..:(.

Yes, I know I forgot to draw the lines on the palm!:s

Rationale:

The big heart basically represents the whole community and it is thus made of many individuals; smaller hearts. The hands lifting or holding it up represents God.

As individuals we may be different and unique in our own ways but in a community we beat as one heart with God as our guide.

I'm merely a puppet....

Listening to: Zee Avi - First of the gang

If I was a puppet held by thin, invisible strings, I wonder who my master would be. I refuse to believe it is You. You wouldn't leave me troubled, nor make life seem so unmanagable till I feel pushed to the edge. You wouldnt forsake me...

God, where am I? Where am I heading to? I feel so disconnected, so unbound like gravity has no effect on me and I'm floating endlessly. I search for stability within me but all I'm left with are these unanswered questions.

Everthing feels like a blurr; days, months, faces, places. I'm merely a stranger looking into a life thats' not mine. Sleepless nights are to be blamed for this I guess (I hope...).

How am I to be there for you when I'm in a mess myself? How am I to wear this smile when all I feel is the opposite? How am I suppose to be the shoulder you cry on when I'm aching on the inside? I've never been much of a friend. Never had the right words to say nor knew how to comfort you if ever you reached out for me. Neither am I calm and collected as how I would seem. On the inside, I'm panicked stricken and doubtful.. I'm a walking catastrophe....

Do you have enough love for the both of us?