Let me, let go...

I wanna let go. Trust me I do..I hate these thoughts, distractions, imaginations I have. I just gotta stop telling myself that and actually do it! God help me stop...if only...sigh*

'Lie to self'?

Two public holidays, 25 staff members and 15 days equals 3 weeks of my life as an intern. I'd like to think those 15 days have passed by effortlessly. I'd like to say I've enjoyed every bit of it but then I would be lying. I wish I could say things are starting to look up but honestly I'm scared to say even that. Good days at work never do stay long. They vanish as soon as a smile shows on my face. So what am I left to do? Persevere...Promise myself days will pass and the next day would be a better one. Or in the words of Jerrie, 'lie to self'...LOL

Christmas draws near and I pray I have renewed hope to receive Christ this year. As much as I want to look forward to this festive season, I just don't feel all that cheery nor excited. I hate myself for that. I should be passing the Christmas cheer around and await His coming and yet this is the time when my spirit is at a low. Lets hope this phase passes soon.

One thing interning has done to me is miss my friends owh so much! I miss Sundays with my girls, Fridays with the RYM peeps and not forgetting spending late nights chatting with my close friends. I just miss the social life I had, even tho it wasnt much to begin with.

I miss having time to myself; being alone at home. Working means having a dozen people who don't necessarily know you or even like you for that matter, around you. I must admit I feel most alone at work even with the dozen around me. Im an outsider to them as they are strangers to me. Having them speak in a language I cant converse in doesn't help either. I just hope I persevere long enough to see that light at the end of the tunnel.

Drastic changes...

It's strange how drastic life can change, one day you're on holiday; bored out of your mind, and the next day you're so busy working you wish you were back home snuggled up in bed. I guess that's the working life. You wake up early (or after several attempts at snoozing), think of what to wear or what to pack for lunch, then dash off to work.

At work, time seems like the enemy. It moves ever so slowly that you'd think you're never gonna get home. Once you eventually do, you wish the day would never end or that time would stand still. You try to hold on to every minute, try to make the most of it and push out the very thought of going back to work the very next day. It seems like a never ending cycle of torture..Well, it almost is...

Dying, slowly but surely

I wonder wheres' my youth gone to? Where my child-like joy has vanished? Year by year I feel it slipping from me and now i'm my worst self; sad, lonely, numb, restless, in tears... I stare at these four walls surrounding me. They edge out like claws; big, monstrous - reaching out, grabbing the very life out of me. The computer screen stares back at me, filled with jargons and data my mind does not know how to decipher. I try to scream but no sound leaves my lips but yet I hear them ringing for they fill every inch of me. People around me go about their very existence, but no ones hears my screams. The screams I so cleverly hide. The irony of it is theres' no where to escape. I'm alone in this...

In a mess...

I finally passed up my huge 3,500 word final assignment. I don't know what I wrote or if I even answered the question. I just stopped thinking after reaching the 2,000 marker. Somehow I thought I would feel relieved to finally pass it up, be done with classes and finally leave college for good...but I have to agree with Jacqkie, I wasn't and I still don't know why. I don't know why I feel this unsettleness like I'm in this huge mess just like how my room has been this past few weeks. I wonder if cleaning it up would help..LOL.

Maybe I'm just overthinking like how I always do now with internship close by. I'm forced to think about my future, whether to work or pursue further studies. Owh how I wish I could run away from all this, just escape my future for a while but I know I would be foolish to do so. Once again, I feel so lost. I wish things were easier, choices were easier to make and my judgement wouldnt be so clouded with doubt. I feel like I'm on this pedestal with expectations and hopes of others riding on my shoulders. I just wish everyone would stop expecting anything from me and just accept the choices i make. Sigh...

This time you're wrong!

I can't believe just hours ago I was filled with emotions; anger, frustration, sadness...Yet I was numb, forced to succumb to your words. Helpless and teary eyed. What did I do to deserve this? What did we all do to deserve this? Our only crime is that we care too much, that we loved another. We didnt choose this and surely we never encouraged this! Though I may be boiling with anger as I find the best way to express my unsettleness..my sadness is overarching. Of all people, I expect you to know me best, you who I've spent my life with..but you always let me down, always. Honestly, how naive do you think I am? I'm not some stupid slut, I can differentiate between right and wrong. All of us can. I hate it when you talk down to me, especially when this is not my fault. I hate the fact that you guys think it alright to do that to me. Who ever gave you the right? Just because you have the authority? FU! Worst still, you never even tried to understand, let alone hear me out. I guess you feel contented making me feel bad, knowing that you let out all you're frustration on me. You make me sick. You're only making this worse. I just pray that she has the strengh to do what she has to. God knows the hell shes' going through. One thing I'm glad about is that we are somehow in this together. We have each other and thats how it always will be. We are each others stronghold, with God as our guide. I pray and hope that this only makes us stronger and draws us closer.

Wrong seems so right....

Is it wrong for me to want something I shouldn't?
Why am I playing by the rules when no one is?
Why can't I be the bad influence for once?

Is it wrong, if I said I miss you?
And sometimes I cant help but think of the times we had?
Would that make me downright selfish?
Wanting you when I know I shouldn't...

Call me fickle, unrealistic...
I probably am all those,
I never know what I want,
I probably think too much to allow myself to want all the same things you do.

I'm never gonna be that ideal girl,
Someday you'll just have to accept it.

A lil of everthing...

Lately, my mind has been utterly restless with countless thoughts going through it almost non-stop. For instance, being sleepy or tired. You would think, hey its the same thing. You feel tired, hence you have the urge to sleep. But let me tell you, in my world its not that easy..hehe. Firstly, tired doesnt always lead to sleeping as I would wish it would. Sometimes being tired is a torture especially when I know that I need to work on numerous assignments or that my restless mind would not allow myself to fall asleep.

And what about sleep, well thats a problem too. Not only because I have difficulty sleeping at nights but because everytime sleep comes to mind, so does every other thing. For instance, the new Nicholas Sparks book Mandy lent me, or my internship concerns or most commonly temptations from the internet. In the end, I only succumb to sleep in the wee mornings, and wake up late feeling groggy. Curses!!! (I can't believe I wrote two paragraphs on this, my apologies..LOL)

Random rantings aside, I guess I have a few things to look forward to. I'll be finishing my degree in a month or so and soon be starting my internship (*fingers crossed*). Though many have told me that I should be eager to end my college life and start working, however I guess I have mix feelings. While, I am excited and eager about starting a new stage in my life, I also am scared and sad about it. Like most people, I hate change, or rather am too comfortable being where I am. Sooner or later, I know I would have to embrace this change whether or not I'd like to.

Not forgetting, I guess I have something to look forward to...AAR live in Malaysia. I've always been a fan of the band and though at first I did not plan to attend the concert, I guess one thing led to another and things just fell in place. More than anything, I guess i'm going for the company of friends tagging along and also to feel the concert environment (ofcoz, seeing Tyson too). Like past AAR concerts, I hope this one turns out great with loads of energy (God knows thats what I need). I hope they bring their carefree spirit (not to mention, good looks) on stage! They aren't called 'REJECTS' for nothing..heres' what I mean:

Interviewer: What's one piece of advice you would give viewers to overcome heartache?

Tyson: ...just go to bed, eat some Oreos for about a week and shut the blinds down. You will emerge a new person.

Chris: Stay drunk for a good month and a half. When you sober up, you'll be fine!

All I can say is, great advice guys..definetly AAR quality! LOL

Your healing grace...

Lately, I've really surprised myself in ways I never could have imagined. I've never been very artsie, most who knew me since young would agree. I suck ass at art..hehe. As much as I always wished I could make art that I could be proud of, I never came close to acheiving it. Like many of you, I just accepted it as fate..Maybe I just wasnt born with that talent. My recent undertakings have really taken me by surprise. I'm sure no artist but I seem to appreaciate my work more and more.

I guess art to me is a gift from God. In a way, its His healing grace. Art no matter if its doodling, sketching, painting, or even strumming my guitar (occasionally singing) is a channel for me to express my hidden emotions. The words, thoughts and deeds I could never share with the world. I'm never one to show my true emotions or make a scene. Silence is my best friend..hehe. I guess art gives me that solace, or rather closure from all the things I try to hide away. In a way you could say its like therapeutic healing.

Other than God, I guess I owe my gratitude to a few people who actually inspired me to start. Richie Valens who first got me really excited about music and guitar playing. Michelle branch who eventually inspired me to pick up the instrument. As a young teen back then, Michelle portrayed a strong figure as a female singer/guitarist. And lastly, (I dont think shes' a person but..) Peyton Sawyer, I loved her artwork so much that I was inspired to try it out. Her expressive artwork is really something.

Just love the sight of a girl with a guitar in hand.

So, if you ever feel down or just have something you have to let out, why not turn to art? And I so take back what I said, 'people are not born with it!'..it is an acquired talent. Which means, its comes with great passion and practice. Well, thats what I believe in?? So don't be taken aback if you think you suck (most probably you dont!). If you have the passion for it, just go for it. Promise me you'll try???hehe...

"Your art matters, its what got me here..."
Peyton Sawyer

Starbucks anyone?

Those close to me know how much I adore Starbucks or rather their Java Chip. Its simply better than sex!!!...hehe..Recently, Starbucks had their 'Good Coffee' Day and gave out free coffee throughout Malaysia. My friends and I saw this as a great opportunity to spend our endless 4 hour break without wasting a dime on good coffee! I had to take home their paper cup and this is what I came up with.






Hope you like this messy little sketch (blame it on my shaking hands!). This is specially dedicated to Chloe, my personal Starbucks barista and my other fellow Starbucks drinkers..hehe. Luv you guys!

How desperate can you get???

I don't mean to sound discriminating but I seriously do not get guys(well most) these days.
How desperate can you get?, like seriously.
I don't know if I should feel angry or just feel sorry for you.
Just wondering, does shame even exist in your vocab???

Twenty-one...

Listening to: Aqualung - Something To Believe In

What does it really mean to be twenty one?
Whats' the fuss about the big 21 that some how I don't seem to get?
Do we really enter 'adulthood' or is that just an idea our parents try to instill in us to grow up?

So what does being twenty one mean?
Freedom? Late curfews? Endless partying?
Or is that just an excuse to party, drink and get wasted...
Then look back and think "Goosh, that was a hell of a night".

I wonder how this misconception ever came about,
How an age could be associated with adulthood,
And how we celebrate it as if we've reached a pinacle point in our lifes,
When in truth, were just embracing ourselves for more responsibility.

So heres' to being twenty one,
Heres' to everything you've ever said to me,
Heres' to the ways you've made me feel,
Heres' to the times you made me feel sorry for myself,
And the times i promised myself i'll never let you do that again.

Heres' to the lies, curses and bad intentions,
we never said out loud,
Heres' to silence,
The burden I carry effortlessly.

Heres' to trust,
And the many times we never did,
And forever never will,
Heres' to hope,
One I've held on far too long,
And gladly let go of...

Heres' to love,
The mystical being we never see,
But suppositly its like the wind,
Do we ever feel it?
Or is it just our thoughts getting the better of us.

Heres' to brokeness,
How we'll never trully admit it,
Yet, we live our lifes in its presence,
Fooling ourselves to think we're whole.

So what does twenty one really mean to me,
Nothing, nothing at all.

Yes, I know shes' disporportionate. Most of my artwork are too.

Done using watercolour pencils & paint.

" Turn out the light
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty."
Aqualung

500 days of Summer!!!

Read post at your own risk. You have been warned.

A while ago, I remember looking down a list of movies and spotting this very movie title. At that time the only thing that attracted my attention was the lead actor, Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I always admired his acting and his choice of movies to star in, (which are mostly indie films) which is why I decided to keep this movie in mind. Eventually, I saw the movie due to a friend's recommendation and it exceeded my expectations.

Personally, I don't care much for romance flicks because they always have a similar happily-ever-after plot which is fairly predictable. This movie some how had a different approach to love, a more genuine approach. This made the movie shockingly relatable to me which is why I'm so hooked on it. God knows the countless times I've done the same things Summer has(though none done with bad intentions in mind). I guess you could say Summer's idea of love is a mirror image of mine. Shes' very pessimistic when it comes to love and even questions its very existence.

I also loved the fact that the comedic approach was subtle and yet it seem to fit into everyday situations unlike most hollywood movies.

Here's a short clip thats' cute but yet funny.

And ofcourse, Joseph's acting was great. This movie actually showcased many of his talents, some I didnt even know he had. What I always love about Joe(other then his acting) is his many expressions, especially his smiles; his boyish smile, the smile he gives off when shy, his sarcastic smile, his seductive smile..the list just goes on (in short: i love guys with infectious smiles). Goosh, how he has grown. I love the fact that he hasnt lost his boyish charm and yet has grown into a man.

Joseph Gordon Levitt through the years...

The music used in the film is also another plus to the movie. I loved it so much that I had to download the whole album. I think my family must be complaining behind my back because I keep listening to the same damn songs over and over again..hehe.

Though, I've watched the movie twice already, I had to watch it again when I heard it was out in the cinema. It was worth the while, I must say (well, except for the censored parts...WTF). And...I still can't get enough of the show!!! I AM SO GONNA GET THE DVD!!!:)

Heres' a little something I bumped across..:p

A little last-minute sketch

Done with acrylic paint + loads of water..:)

Still a work in progress

PS: sorry the post is longer than usual. In all fairness, I did warn you!

Rebellious me??

I guess I've been feeling utterly rebellious this past few days. You could say recent events are to be blamed for my unsettled emotions. I don't know how long this will last or what circumstances I will have to face at the end of this. I just feel this intense apathetic-ness (don't think its even a word) for anything, including my assignments which is going to be a problem as the due date draws near :s.

A blog post I read not too long ago comes to mind. I especially related to it as it made a lot of sense to me. What's the point in what we do? Does it add up to anything at the end of the day? Some questions come to mind...

• Why do we aim for paper qualifications when we know nothing will ever prepare us for the real life?
• Why do we care so much about a certain someone when we know the feeling isnt mutual?
• Why do we try so hard to be nice when people just take you for granted in the end?
• What's the point of smilling when you know its totally fake?
• What's the point of hoping when you know its never gonna work out?
• What's the point of achieving perfection when nothing you do is ever good enough?
• What's the point of you believing in me, when I don't believe in myself?

Then comes the most important question; What's the point of living? Well I guess that's a pretty hard question to answer. That's one answer I'm still searching for and probably still will to the day I die. Its kinda ironic in a way, being that one of the reasons we live is to find a reason to live for?

Its funny the things you come up with when angry...:)

I forgive you...

Listening to: Strays Don't Sleep - For blue skies

This ones' for you. I forgive you.

I'll never say goodbye...

Call me stubborn, but i'll never say goodbye. We only part to meet again...

Updates! Finally!

The semester has officially kicked in. I'm finally feeling the busyness and rush of assignments, work, sunday school and not forgetting my recently-acquired hobby..hehe. Recently, I decided to support my friends and join a camp organised by them. Turns out it was unexpectedly awesome.

Fr. Danny is by far one of the best speakers I've ever had the honour of listening to, other then MJ ofcoz..hehe. I doubt any of us actually fell asleep during the sessions even though we were clearly exhausted. Still cant believe he managed to con the others into thinking im Hawaiian..LOL(seriously ppl, i look so so Asian).

The other fellow participants were great too. We had such fun bonding and playing very, very silly games(dip-hair-into-bucket-&-squeeze-into-bowl)..hehe. We even had Christian clubbing (Alan's smart idea) which was kinda freaky as the "club" was literally pitch dark. All in all, it was a good escape from our normal mundane routines. It kinda opened my mind to a few things I find essentially important and of which I hope I will follow closely to *fingers crossed*.

Aside from the camp & retreat, we celebrated Mummy's 21st bday..hehe. We had a mini school reunion, which was as awesome as the party itself. I just regret not taking pics with everyone (yes, I know its strange that I said that). As expected, the b'day girl got really high in the end, which led to us coming home at 5.30am? Lol( we still luv you..hehe). Heres' a lil photo update as well, enjoy??:)

My very random artwork, purely to test out my new acrylic paint!

Mandy's cool birthday invites

I love my "rock star"

A little overdued project that I helped work on.

Still waiting for more photo uploads!*hints*

These thoughts of mine...

Why I wonder sometimes...
What is it that you see in me?
Am I even that worthy to have you see me in that light?
I who feel so small, so insignificant, so insecure...
And yet you see me as strong-willed, independent, unique..
What do you see in every gaze?
I wonder if you see the same image I sometimes dread staring at?

The story of her...

Lately, my blog has been the last thing on my mind. Its not that I've lost interest in it, but rather I cant seem to ever finish a blog post. Theres' either too much to tell, too little, or too complicated to put down in words. I guess you could say my minds' in a mess. So, instead of writing anyting that might mess your mind up too, heres' a little project I worked on.

The unfinished product

Finally done!

PS: Thankx & credit goes to willowing for her tutorials!!!

Call me a student, one last time?

Final sem began last week signalling the start of the college environment yet again, assignments and the one thing i dread, the end of my term as a student. I never really thought this day would come so soon, and honestly I didnt want it to. Though many might feel otherwise but I love being a student. I love the privileges of being a student; not having to worry about money all that much, staying up late just to finish assignments, attending lectures, exams (I kinda miss them..LOL) and best still the privileges of my student card!!!lol.

I never really thought I'll be graduating at 21, its just so soon. It still seems sureal. I used to think I would still be stuck studying till i reach 24 (guess I should have opted for medicine instead..LOL). I guess it scares me knowing that by the end of this year, I would need to start looking around for a job or plan to further my studies. As of now, both options seem very hazy. I just hope when the time comes, I'll know exactly what to do.

College as expected, is very much dull and boring. I guess as last sem students thats all we can expect after spending a fair bit of time in the same institution. College environment seems so uninviting and needless to say subjects are far worse. I guess you cant stay a student forever, you have to move on and hope for greener pastures. Well, thats what I hope for...

Feels like I lost a friend...

Hours pass and I'm wondering,
How much longer can I bear this?,
For once we were friends,
But now nothing at all.

I reminisce the times we had,
Far too often that it kills me even more,
Where did it go?,
And why did it have to...

My mind is filled with questions,
All of which; unanswered,
How did things become so complicated?,
How did it become so tainted..

Is it me who is to be blamed?
Blame me then,
For my pride cannot withstand this agony,
But who ever gave you the right to judge me,
Your words linger on deep down,
And though I'll never admit it,
I don't know if I can ever look at you in the same way.

Thinking it over,
Did I ever mean that much to you?
Or was I the foolish one,
Naive from the start.

You're the reason I now hold back,
Any new friendships I frown upon,
Any such closeness I quickly disattach,
For one time seems one too many,
How much more can the heart take?

You said being closer hurts,
Being strangers hurts even more,
For that is all we are now,
And I cant help it,
Because it feels like I just lost a friend.


I miss her...

I'm sorry...

Listening to: Zee Avi - Someone you used to know

Please try to understand.

I wish I could change this.
I wish I could make this right again.
I'm sorry.

My random scribbles...

Holidays gave me alot of free time so I had fun entertaining myself with random artwork or rather my doodles..lol.

Sorry for the typo

Don't really like this one...shows how much I suck drawing human figures..LOL

Decided to experiment with colour!

Luv the effect on this one..all thx to photoshop!

Work in progress...

Two weeks...

It's amazing how two weeks can pass so fast without me even noticing it. I know I haven't updated my blog in awhile, frankly I've been so lazy. Holidays have been great so far, the occasional outings, Sunway Lagoon trip, even staying at home has been bliss aside from getting bored now and then. I almost don't want this holidays to end (almost)..hehe.

By the way, I finally got the Manchester United tickets and merchandise promised and will be meeting Bryan Robson a former MU midfielder tonight! Sadly, I'm also gonna see three wonderful friends off today..how ironic. Jacqkie, Carmen and Cindy will be leaving to Adelaide, I'm gonna miss them alot. Deep down I'm so envious (take me along, plss...) lol. I'm so fortunate to have known you three and will absolutely not say goodbye. In no time we will see each other again and have many more gatherings, laughs and smiles. Always take care, lots of luv!!!

Jacqkie: I'm so gonna miss your cheerful company. Thanks for being a listening ear especially when I needed someone to hear me out.

Carmen: I'm gonna miss your smile and your expressions. Now, I'm gonna be the only underweight person for the rest to tease??

Cindy: Thanks for your company during the many ADV major classes we had to take. I think we were the most quietest ones in class..hehe.

The bag of goodies!!!

"Now how am I gonna sneak the cam in?LOL"

Another familiar pic missing one familiar face..:(