Gone too soon

I lost my high school classmate a month ago to muscular dystrophy. The thought of it still seems surreal. I remember telling a fellow classmate, this is the beginning of age truly catching up with us and I said this with fear. 

If anything, his passing has really taught me to make the most of the time I still have. Waking up everyday and loving those around us while we can, are the blessing we take for granted. Striving to be the most we can in our relationships, our commitments, our careers...grabbing opportunities for growth, taking risks and never letting life get the best of us. That's the strength his death has given me. We owe it to ourselves, while we still have breath in us. 

To Albert, your legacy lives on. You will always be remembered. 

And they say it'll get better...

I was walking along Orchard Road with my bestie a month ago. It was surely by some stroke of luck that we were able to even meet in Singapore without any network on our Malaysian line but I'm glad we found the time. You can just imagine the hustle and bustle of shoppers as they hurried by to get Christmas presents. We on the other hand were more like observers, breathing in the atmosphere and taking in bits and pieces of the Singaporean culture.

On our little adventure, we were stopped by campaigners gushing with enthusiasm to spread their message of hope. She must have thought we were quite young because she targeted us right away. The campaign had been to promote ambitions among the young..but not just that, it was to encourage people to pursue their dreams - even how far fetched it may seem. So you can imagine how speechless we were when they asked us what our dream was....(nada). No dream for me. It just seems naive to have dreams at this age. A complement though, that she thought we were younger than we seemed.

2013 was a difficult year. Turning a quarter of a century isn't easy. Sometimes easier to hate all the experiences the year had to give than to look at them as lessons. As with every new year, 2014 gives new hope - a fresh start to a more meaningful year. That's if I can get all this disappointments out of my mind. Disappointments in myself, in people, in situations..in wanting more. I think this year, the theme that has stuck with me from last year is not to expect too much, not to be too hopeful but rather to accept things as they come. I guess it's my force-field shield to protect me against more disappointments. (I hope).

To a year of less disappointments!? Sighs.

Strength please...

 It gives us the idea of a man suffering shipwreck. The vessel in which he has been sailing has sunk. He has been plunged into the mighty ocean; and there he is buffeting the waves, struggling for life, panting for breath, and just about to give up all for lost. Suddenly he discovers a rock towering above him. If he can but climb up to the top of it, and get sure footing upon it, the billows will not be able to reach him, and he will be safe.

Fountain Elwin, 1842

I stumbled upon this verse while browsing the endless, random updates on Facebook and it grabbed at me. Perhaps it had something to do with the fact that I was terribly overwhelmed that very moment or perhaps I'm at a point in life where contemplating my next course of action has overwhelmed me.

In short; (whispers) I'm lost.

Been reading more lately since I have all this time on my hands. I guess it's a consolation to know that I don't go through this situation alone. So many 25 year olds have been in the very same situation and have survived! Perhaps I could draw strength from that?

I look at my peers and I feel like a failure again and again. What have I got to shout about? What can I proudly talk about? People talk about progressing, moving forward, taking life by the horns...but I just feel stuck. I look at better job prospects and the constant thought enters my mine - I'm not good enough. I want more for my relationships but am I worthy of it? Confidence - I wish I had you!

I'm still weary and afraid. I need STRENGTH...pleading for it earnestly.

Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.

I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.

I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God. Psalms 69

Sweet nothing...

Listening to: Ellie Goulding - Wish I Stayed

 

I've never looked forward to October for many years now..mostly because it's the month I reflect on my life especially when the 12th arrives. At 24, I'm nowhere. Don't get me wrong, I've got a lot to be thankful for but I guess we all have expectations of where we hope to be at a certain age. It's the time of the year, I think back and regret overwhelms me. A friend told me it's okay to be open so here's me letting you in my foolish thoughts.

I question God often these days. Am I not worth it? Don't I deserve some happiness? Has life truly become so meaningless? Lately I feel so disappointed, betrayed even. I've held back for years, kept myself..hoping for the best...played by the freakin rules. He's brought me so close and just when I finally allow myself to lay my fingers on it, He takes it away from me. If this is meant to be humourous, God, this time I refuse to laugh. 

Being the fool that I am, I'm still holding on to...nothing. I want to scream, I'm so angry yet can't help feel so used and downright stupid. I actually thought I was worth it. So silly. 

My birthday wish this year is the courage to move on, look ahead and try to be a happier me. And I hope You'll make it easier on this fool. I hope I'm deserving of atleast that.

happy birthday fool 

Confessions of...she

She didn't need words yesterday nor did she need any poison to soothe her. I wish I could tell you, she just needed you to hold her and tell her it'll all be fine, lie even if you have to. But where were you...fuck you! I hate you for this..Where are you? Where?

Hate is a strong word but I really hate you. Over the years, its been easier to just hate you. Most of the time it's the only thing I can do...

I wonder sometimes if the only thing I am to you is a joke. Another opportunity to break the girl who always seems so sad. What do you want from me? I want to tell you how fragile I really am, how fragile you make me and how this 'ego' I have is the only strengh I have in me. How can I when all I am is a joke?

I'm tired of listening to how tough you have it, how difficult life has been, how my problems are nothing to yours..It's always about you..I'm just tired..do you seriously think everthing has been all roses and sunshine for me? Really? Skrew you! So don't ask me if I'm fine...I'm not. Let's just leave things at that.

I wanna tell you that I'm scared. Boy, I might be a coward to all things supernatural but really, what I fear is reality. I watched Revolutionary Road and I'm downright scared because I'm fearful that it just might become reality...Damn, I wish you were here again..sighs. 

Leave me alone, please. Thanks.

Picking up the pieces...

Listening to: Cameron Mitchell - You could be happy

I should really call this a monthly blog. My postings have become so few and far between that sometimes I wonder if I should even go on. For now I guess I still have a few more words in me, so till then I'll keep writing.

It's funny and yet cruel how life has certainty been a bitch! Juggling two jobs, RYM, sunday school, church, friends..is no easy business. I'm ever so exhausted from work and even weekends are starting to lose their meaning. Right now the only consolation of being employed is the paycheck at the end of every month, aside from the lower workload that came with Ramadan. (which I am thankful for.)

I look at the four of us, each slowly but surely heading to different paths. Gosh, we surely never thought this would be the future. We're definitely trying our best to work through the distance and problems to keep this relationship strong, I'm glad for that. One thing I pray for is that He binds our paths - that no matter how distinct they may be, they'll always intertwine. I couldn't bear losing you gurls...I hope I never do.

Over the years, I admit I've lost quite a few friends. But really, if having these friends mean you have to try so hard to fit in or perhaps even exist, then is it worth it? I'm glad for this great handful I have and although few, we are strongly knitted..that's surely a rare find.

The past months have been a rush with work commitments and most importantly RYM whilst making sure I have 'me' time which mostly means retail therapy..lol. Shopping although is utterly enjoyable has become somewhat dangerous especially now that I'm earning. Some how being employed seems to make it okay to splurge more every now and then..lol. Really bad, I know!

Now for the juicy bits. The scandals, relationships, boys...lol. Errmm, well I don't think I have much of an update for that...lol. But I guess it's okay. Attended the recent RYM 'First Love' camp and it really helped me come to terms with my current situation. Looking past the perceptions of the world and peer pressure, it's more than okay to be single! I enjoy it, I love being inclusive rather than exclusive and most of all, I have the luxury and time to do God's work...which I love. I think, this is the best time for me to find true friendship especially in boys and hopefully learn to trust them and perhaps break down my walls when the right one comes along.

Till then, I'm gonna enjoy being single!(sings Cameron's 'Love Can Wait For Me')
ps. enjoy them photos!:)

my fun colleagues & ex-colleagues

RYM camp participants, all 50 of us! (nice t-shirts?)

Got bullied as usual...thanks, boys

This poor boy got his underwear stolen at camp. Srsly...(tho he does look happy about it) LOL

The RYM family - we are not perfect but I love you guys nonetheless.

I miss us... I miss Sundays, I miss our silly jokes, I miss our drunken adventures, I miss rides in your car...*come back, sygs!*;(

Can you make it all better?

Gonna need a whole lot to calm her down today.

Missing you more than ever.

Wish you were here.

wish you were here