Lord, I need You.

my husband and i went to his family's cabin for summer vacation with his immediate family in june. june was such a fun month for us- we celebrated one whole stinkin year of marriage and celebrated by flying to san diego! 

after our anniversary getaway we packed up everything again and left for the family's cabin to celebrate summer with my husband's family. 

while we were at the cabin, something was different. my emotions were crazy, i was feeling overwhelmed, tired, irritated, tired, angry etc. i thought wow i'm still PMSing. that's a lonnnnng period.

so i made myself a doctor's appointment for when we were back in town because i had been spotting for about two weeks and i knew something wasn't right. i picked my husband up from work and we went to my doctor's appointment, trev sat in the waiting room with a new dad who was trying to calm his new baby. i remember me and trev just watching this new dad and this new baby and i just smiled and thought, "one day.."

i was finally called back to see my doctor and trev stayed in the waiting room. i sat down with my doctor and explained my cycles, dates, all that fun stuff with her and she wanted to prescribe me birth control. 

(i am not a fan of birth control-i am actually not a fan of taking any kind of medication in general ;)

she walked out to get some samples and came back in and said, "alyssa, your pregnant." i immediately became overwhelmed with a rush of emotions. i started crying and saying, "i'm not pregnant, that has to be a false positive" i asked my doctor to retest it and so she left and did. she came back and said, "alyssa, you are still pregnant."..i started crying. uncontrollably. the ugly kind. i was so overwhelmed with emotions and while my doctor is explaining to me that i have options if i don't want to keep the pregnancy, i looked down at my stomach and placed my shaky hand over it and laughed. my doctor obviously didn't know me very well because that was not even an option. 

i went to the bathroom and tried to calm myself down before i walked to the waiting room to tell my husband that i was pregnant. as soon as i felt like i had control over myself i walked out and as soon as i saw trev, i started crying again.

he asked, "what happened? are you ok?" and i said, "not here. let's go."

we walked outside and trev just looked at me and i said, "babe, i'm pregnant."

(if any of you know me well, you know i can NOT keep a secret.)

Trev's face immediately was covered in this huge smile and i just kept repeating, "i'm pregnant. i'm pregnant. 8weeks." 

the drive home we talked about waiting to tell family and friends until we reached 12 weeks. so i knew i couldn't call or tell anyone.

(again, SUPER hard)

we decided that we would tell Trev's family and my family on Trev's birthday because that would be our 12th week. we planned it all out. i was getting excited..still VERY nervous but very excited to be able to bring such joy and happiness to husband's heart. 

..........

then one day.. i went to work. i was feeling tired but good! i packed up the two little ones that i watch and we headed to my mother in law's house to have a play date. while playing in their living room with my sister in laws and the two little ones, something happened, i started bleeding.

 i know enough about pregnancies to know that, that's not a good sign. i immediately called my doctor and he told me that i needed to come in and see him. he made me an appointment for three or so hours from when i called.

 i called my husband who was driving into town from work and as soon as he answered the phone i started crying. all i could say is, "i'm bleeding. i'm so sorry. i'm bleeding." 

i could only imagine what would be going through his mind and i don't quite remember what he said besides that he loves me.

i was so nervous that trev wouldn't be back in town for my appointment and i really really really needed him to go with me but obviously there was only so much that can be done. so i prayed that even if  trev wouldn't be able to make the appointment with me that i felt the Lord's presence regardless.  i dropped off the two little ones that i watch and my sister in law said she would watch them. as soon as i got to their house my husband called and said he was in town. there was such a weight off my shoulders during that phone call. 

i picked Trev up and left for my doctor's appointment. as soon as i got there they gave me another pregnancy test and we waited for the results. my doctor came in and said, "well, you are still pregnant according to this test but there is still a chance it's a miscarriage" 

my heart broke. shattered. crushed. in a million pieces.

my doctor's ran all kinds of tests and finally told me to go home and wait for the results. 

i had some hope but not a lot.

  deep down i told myself to be prepared. 

be prepared for the words to come out of my doctor's mouth. 

...you are miscarrying. 

i found myself on my knees and crying. praying that our baby was safe. 

doctor's orders were to rest for the next few days and lots of blood work. i had another appointment to read the results of my blood work, to check my HCG levels and even though my husband couldn't be there, i wasn't alone; my dear friend went with me.

And as my doctor said those words ....."you are miscarrying"

i cried. he talked about a whole bunch of important stuff but all i could think about was how can i feel sooooo attached to something that i didn't even want a few weeks ago?!??

i got in my car and cried. i cried so much. i couldn't breathe at one point and this song came on the radio...

bowing here, i find my rest. 

without you, i fall apart.

you're the one that guides my heart.

Lord, i need You.

oh, i need You.

Every hour i need You.

My one defense.

 my righteousness

 oh God how I need You.

in that moment i started worshipping, "bowing here, i find my rest. without you, i fall apart......"

i started slowly taking deep breaths and i picked up my phone to call my husband. i couldn't remember all that super important stuff that my doctor told me but what i could remember were those words.... ......you are miscarrying.

in the midst of crying the phone call was silent. it was in that moment that i knew Trev was mourning. 

after the silence and still in the midst of crying and still mourning Trev tells me, "then this wasn't the Lord's timing." 

we finished our conversation and i drove home. all awhile resting on "then this wasn't the Lord's timing" and trying to understand that loosing this pregnancy was not accidental. by the time i got home i laid down on the couch and crashed. i was so emotionally and physically drained that i couldn't stay awake.

 the next few days were hard. i still had lots of blood work to do. every morning. 

my doctor told me it would take a few months before my body would completely recover and so i prepared myself for such. 

but as prepared as i thought i was each time i started bleeding i was being flooded with sadness, anger and frustration. 

each time we talked about it with other people i was flooded with emotions.

each time i received an email from what to expect, i was flooded with emotions.

each time i looked at my husband i felt guilty. i felt like a disappointment. 

each time a family member had a baby

each time a friend found out they were pregnant

each time..

each time i was flooded with such emotions i would go to my husband in anger and EACH time he would send me to the Lord. 

each time he would remind that this wasn't accidental.

each time he would reassure me that it's ok to mourn

each time he would send me to the Lord for understanding.

each time he knew what i needed...

...which was the Lord.

as angry as i was with the Lord i knew that's what I needed as well. 

so i would sing..

Lord, I need You.

Oh, I need You.

EVERY hour, I need You. ....

....

while knowing that i was angry with the Lord for allowing us to be pregnant, for it all to be taken away. i knew that my anger was not rightfully placed.  i knew that i couldn't dwell on the typical questions..why.

why did this happen to me?

why did you allow this? 

why me? 

why another painful chapter in my book?

why? why? why?

i knew that this wasn't accidental and that the Lord is with me through EVERY step and i needed to focus on that. 

i need to focus on the Lord. i need to focus on the truth, that without the Lord, i fall apart.

"Bowing here, I find my rest.

Without you, I fall apart.

You're the one, that guides my heart.

Lord, i need You.

oh, i need You.

Every hour, i need You.

My one defense.

My righteousness

Oh God, how i need You.

When sin runs deep

Your grace is more

Grace is found where YOU are.

Where you are, Lord I am FREE

Holiness, is CHRIST in me.

link

rambles from my heart..

this issue of modesty is very close to my heart. i could talk about this topic for hours. 
i will apologize in advance for my ramblings..
(sorry)


i feel a responsibility not only to myself but for as a follower of Christ.
a wife. 
a  sister in Christ.
to protect the eyes of my brother's in Christ.
to protect the eyes of my best friend's husband.
someone's soon to be husband.
to enjoy someone's body that is not your wives or husbands is wrong.


i just recently got married.
(best choice i have ever made!!)


he has a lot of qualities that stand out and against so many other people.
he loves Jesus.
he challenges me.
he loves me.
(and soooooo much more, that's for another post :)
but the issue of modesty is close to his heart as well.
when we first started dating he made it very clear that he didn't like to see me in a bikini, in public.
he didn't want other men and other brother's in Christ to stumble.
he didn't want other men to enjoy my body, especially if i could someday be HIS wife.
i grew up around lots of boys. 
three brothers and mostly boy cousins. 
i never saw the big deal to wear a bikini if i was around my "family"
although i usually always wore shorts with my bikini...
(i have stretch-marks on my hips..shhh!)
my husband to be (then) saw a HUGE problem in that.
guys are guys. regardless if they are a cousin. 
a neighbor passing by as you guys are swimming or whatever.
he made it very clear he did not like it.


naturally being as independent and stubborn as i am. i fought him. 
thinking he was just being selfish. he was only thinking about himself.
obviously over time-my heart softened. 
i realized i was wrong.
i also realized that he had every right to be selfish because we were dating not just to date or add another boyfriend/girlfriend to your belt.
we were dating with the idea of marriage ahead of us.


here i am now. almost two years later....i am sitting on the couch writing this blog and my new husband is laying right next to me sleeping.
(his fillings came out, he's in a lot of pain)
as i look back my heart aches at my desires to not get a farmers tan from wearing a t-shirt over my bathing suit instead of wanting to protect my brother in Christ's eyes. 


 i'm not angry but im soooooooo thankful for a husband who wants to be selfish and who wants to be the only one who is able to appreciate my body.
i'm thankful the Lord has softened my heart.






 the Lord has blessed me with a man who first and foremost LOVES the Lord. i am soooo thankful to be married to man who seeks the Lord passionately. 


with that said, my heart is still under construction. i feel myself healing.(that's a victory!!) 
but i also find myself dealing with painful part of being a victim of sexual abuse and being newly married. 
prayers are always appreciated.

i have a reason to worship.

something has been laying on my heart the closer the wedding comes.

i have always fought with feeling content not having a real relationship with my mom or a safe relationship with my dad. 

i fight myself thinking what my life would be like now if i grew knowing my dad and having a relationship with my mom.

i wonder if i would be as stubborn.

if i would put such a wall around my heart.

if i could learn to trust people in my life.

what my relationship with my fiance would be like.

if i would be as independent.

oh the list could go on.

"what would my heart look like right now if i grew up having a relationship with my parents and grew up with my brothers and sister?"

i can't help but to think if my birth mom made the decision to stop drinking. to stop using drugs. to stop being a door mat for disgusting men. 

to just be our mom. 

how would that have affected me? 

would i have a feeling of security? security knowing that my mom thought me and my siblings were worth fighting for?

or would that lead me and my siblings down a path of even more unhealthiness? 

not to say i haven't had any "moms" in my life.

i have definitely been blessed to have many women in my life who have loved on me.

invited me into their lives.

into their families.

and as much as i wanted to feel apart of that family my heart knew i didn't belong there.

to look back over my childhood-i have had my share of "dads"

i've had my share of men in my life who tried to step in and be a father figure to me.

 feels like too many men.

too many men who gained my trust and quickly took advantage of their role in my life.

biologically i have no clue who my birth dad is.

i know he is native american.

(hello-tan skin!)

he's tall.

(hello-long legs!)

and he lived with his mom in clovis.

that's it. 

that's all i know about a man who was in-trusted with a responsibly. 

a responsibly that is supposed to be treasured not thrown away.

with that said, i should be clear.

my birth mom was married to my brother's dad "tim"

my birth mom had an affair and became pregnant with me.

tim's name is on my birth certificate and for the longest time he was one of the only men in my life that i trusted. 

(besides my brothers, papa, and one of my uncles)

please know that even though i struggle with feeling content not knowing this man and as angry as i am sometimes with the Lord, i still know God is my VICTORY. and i have a reason to still worship. because he is STILL God.

i question EVERY relationship i have seen.

whether they are strangers off the street or a relationship i see from close people around me.

i question whether every relationship with a father and daughter is distorted.

as much as it kills me and shatters my heart i am constantly on guard. 

watching any relationship where a girl and a man are alone.

questioning the mans motives.

it's tiring.

i wonder if this was where most of my anxiety was coming from when me and my fabulous fiance  were talking about kids for our future.

please know as i bear out my heart right now that i have been aware of this for quite sometime and have been struggling to work on it.

it's been a silent struggle that i am being coached through it.

i havent struggled with this pain as much as i have the last few months. 

the closer the wedding comes.

i am finding myself surrounded by father and daughters.

i find myself crying when i sit to think about all the weddings i've been too.

replaying in my head all the fathers that have walked down their daughters and gave them to the man who would hold his daughters heart for the rest of their lives.

i have yet to decide if i am walking down the aisle by myself or if i'm asking someone to give me to my future husband. 

the meaning of being given away holds such a HUGE place of my heart.

it means the world to me.

but how realistic is that for me??

to have a man that I TRUST?

that's hard.

who would want the responsibility that so many men have thrown away.

how am i suppose to ask someone to pick up the pieces that so many men shattered.

i can count on two hands the number of men in my life who i can say i one hundred percent trust. 

in reality walking down the aisle by myself and giving myself to my future husband isn't what i pictured but a lot of my life is probably not how i pictured it.

the question is who?

the wedding is a month away. i need to make a decision. 

please be praying with me as i continue down this painful journey.  

please be praying that i first and foremost seek the Lord to fill me up.

please be praying that the Lord would shed some wisdom on my heart.

please continue to be praying that i find peace. 

my heart is definitely still under construction and though i have a wounded heart i know it's not broken.

praise be to the Lord and the Lord only.

a breathe of fresh air.

praise the Lord!

it's amazing what time with the Lord will do for the heart.  :)

after my break down on Sunday night i feel refreshed. 

refreshed knowing that i can break the cycle. 

refreshed knowing the Lord is bigger than all of this!

refreshed knowing that my "dirty secret" is out.

(somewhat, i told my brothers)

it's amazing what lies will creep into my heart when i'm not continuously in the word. 

those are the days that i seem to be under attack the most.

i forget how easy it is to take my eyes off of the Lord and to put them on myself.

 to tell myself that i will never find peace.

 my heart is continuously under attack and yet my relationship with the Lord is at it's highest!

praise the Lord!

i need to surround myself in truth.

truth that i am now safe.

truth that i am loved.

truth that i will always be loved.

 i can do all of those things when i focus on the Lord. 

when i put my hope in my Savior. 

please be praying with me as i began the journey of talking through details. 

 be praying that as i walk through this that my focus will continue to be on the Lord.

be praying that i continue to surround and remind myself of the truth thats in my life.

enough is enough.

i am sitting in my bed and i am sobbing.

sobbing because the family i was in-trusted with didn't love me enough to protect me.

to keep me safe. 

to want to keep me safe.

i am sobbing because after reading numerous studies....i found this.............

being a victim of any type of abuse is hereditary. 

meaning......

because i was a victim of child sexual abuse the chances of my children being victims of sexual abuse are ridiculously high.

 i remember just sitting there thinking after reading those studies.

thinking about my family.

and realizing that my grandma was a victim of sexual abuse.

two of my aunts were victims of sexual abuse.

(im sure the list could go on...)

being a victim of sexual abuse may have been passed down to me. 

it may have happened because i was an "easy target"

it may have happened because i was vulnerable.

because i was too stupid.

the reality is we don't know why i was a victim of sexual abuse. 

we don't know if it's just my crappy genes or if it was just the right place at the right time. 

BUT WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT IT WILL END WITH ME!!

enough is enough. 

i am sick to my stomach because i am completely overwhelmed with the statistics. 

i am completely overwhelmed knowing that on both sides of my family there has been sexual abuse leading up to me. 

i am completely outraged that families are ALLOWING something SO disgusting in their lives. 

in their families.

and instead of saying enough is enough they are sweeping it under the carpet and letting the abuse occur one after another. 

instead of choosing to protect their children they are CHOOSING to look the other way.

i am sick to my stomach.

enough is enough.

i am tired of constantly looking over my shoulder when a man walks into the room.

i am tired of the constant triggers.

i am tired of sleeping with a light on.

and i am sick and tired of making myself question whether i want to have children because im afraid to pass crappy genes onto them.

enough is enough.

as i sit in my bed, still sobbing........ this sentence keeps replaying in my head:

THE CYCLE WILL END WITH ME!! 

(enough is enough!!!!)

as scared as i am that i will pass the victim card to my own children.......

i know the Lord is bigger than that.

as devastated as i am right now..............

i know the Lord is working in my heart.

my heart is under construction. 

please continue to pray that i am able to find peace.

that i am able to put my hope in the Lord. 

AND rest knowing the Lord is where my peace and hope lay.

reality.

last year i had the opportunity to spend a whole week of my summer vacation with my best friend.

and a bunch of junior highers. 

i was asked to tag along that week because her church was short a camp counselor.

knowing, selfishly that i would get some quality time with my best friend and with Lord, i said YES.

i dont think it hit me till a couple days before that i was not only going to get quality time with my best friend and with the Lord BUT also with a bunch of crazy, energetic...junior highers. 

enough said right??

but i figured the quality time out-weighed everything.

i was kinda excited to see what it would be like to share a cabin for a whole week for six junior high girls.

i was also very excited for the time they allowed the camp counselors to have their time with the Lord.

i took advantage of every free second i had to do the two things that i LOVE to do and usually don't get a lot of time to do....

i spent time with the Lord AND with my best friend! 

it was great.

at this season in my life...i knew i needed to talk about my story and learn to accept it but i wasnt ready too. 

my best friend knew my story...well she knew part of my story. for the same reason why i didn't tell anyone else.

i didn't want pity.

i think the second night of chapel our guest speaker (who was AMAZING!) was telling us about his family. who he was. etc.

he told us this amazing story about this beautiful little girl.

he told us her story.

i cried.

he showed us a picture of her before and after.

before him and his wife adopted her and after they adopted her.

again. i cried.

later that night as me and my girls were walking back to our cabin.

all my girls were laughing. 

talking.

planning what they were going to wear when the cabin time was over.

i walked in complete silence.

completely heart-broken for that little girl.

i looked over and saw another group of girls walking back to their cabin.

they from the same church as us and were right next store to our cabin.

i could hear one of the girls crying and all the girls talking about what just happened in chapel.

i went back with my girls. 

tried to connect with them about what happened in chapel and make the most of our cabin time but my girls were not in the mood to have cabin time.

so i told the girls i would be back and i went next store.

not knowing what i would say.

but knowing that i needed to check on the girls.

(their counselor wasn't in the cabin)

i knocked and walked in.

the girls were still upset.

i asked how everyone was doing and they began to open up about how hard it was to listen to that beautiful little girl's story.

i remember in that moment of trying to comfort these girls. that i don't know.

i told the girls this...

"you just have to remember that even though something SO ugly happened to this little girl our Savior is going to make something SO beautiful out of it!"

not knowing where that came from i wasn't sure that would do anything but the girls tears went away and they thanked me for checking on them.

to this day i remember that exact conversation with them and they trusted me when i reassured them that our Savior will not leave that ugly mark on that sweet little girl.

and yet on a bad day i struggle to trust that the Lord will do just that.

He will take that ugly mark off of me and make my story beautiful.

a continuous prayer is that i be reminded to put my hope in God.

to understand that even though something SO ugly happened to me,  the  Lord will make me new and make my story into something so beautiful. 

He will use it for his glory.

i wanted to leave this post with a few statistics.

-a report of child abuse is reported every TEN seconds.

-more than five children EVERY day die from child abuse.

-more than 90% of juvenile sexual abuse victims know their perpetuator in some way.

-child sexual abuse is report more than 80,000 times EVERY YEAR.

-its estimated that two out of every ten girls and one out of every ten boys are sexually abused by the end of their 13th year.

lastly.

Sexual abuse is unwanted sexual activity, with perpetrators using force, making threats or taking advantage of victims not able to give consent. Most victims and perpetrators know each other. Immediate reactions to sexual abuse include shock, fear or disbelief. Long-term symptoms include anxiety, fear or post-traumatic stress disorder. While efforts to treat sex offenders remain unpromising, psychological interventions for survivors — especially group therapy — appears effective.

provided by: American Psychological Association 

every time i read sexual abuse statistics my heart breaks. 

 the truth is hard to understand sometimes. its hard to believe that their are people who live in the same world we do and could do such a thing.

my story.

my story is a little crazy with a splash of blessings on the side and a squirt of disappointment. 

when i was four years old i was taken away from my biological "birth"mom. i am one of the five kids she gave birth to. i am number four. 

number one is my sister.

 i never really had a relationship with her. she is 9 years older than me.

number two is my brother. 

we are close. he has always been protective. extremely. 

number three is another brother.

we are very close. he was my rock. he was my strength somedays. he gave me hope. he also always picked on me.

number five is my "little" brother. 

he is huge. super tall. i am just now starting to build a relationship with me. he also is protective of me.

here it goes.............

the night that cps (child protective services) and the cops came flooding into our two bedroom apartment still seems like it happened just yesterday. 

i was four.

it was late.

number one was gone.

number two was playing with number five.

number three was doing his homework at a table and using a candle for light.

he used the candle for light because we didnt have electricity. 

number four (me) was standing in the dining room area watching.

my birth mom was not home. 

her boyfriend was.

in the midst of hearing number five laugh.

number two make fun of number three we heard a huge bang on the door.

my birth mom's boyfriend jumped over. 

as he was looking through the peep hole the door was knocked in.

all i remember at that moment was running to number two. 

number two holding me. telling me he would keep me safe.

as a flood of police officers tackle my birth mom's boyfriend and handcuffed him. 

there was an army of other police officers with bright flash lights...........

knocking doors down. 

pulling everything out of every cabinet. 

flipping every mattress.

as the dust began to settle i dont remember that much.

by this time number two was still holding me and still reassuring me that he would protect me.

and there was an officer. a big officer. pushing a dinosaur in my face and making weird facial expressions all awhile trying to make me laugh.

if i had a cookie to give to him i probably would have given it to him, at least for trying to make me feel better. 

but the truth was all i wanted was for number two to hold me and for people to stop pitying us.

we were finally told to go outside. 

again, number two is still holding me. i was clinging onto him for dear life.

we walk outside and there stood two of my aunts and a van that we were told to get into.

we were taken to a local foster home. 

we were there for about 6-8months. 

i loved it there. 

it was so much fun.

they had food available for every meal.

i thought i was getting spoiled.

they had a room full of clothes for girls.

the only downside was that they kept boys on one completely different side than the girls.

which is completely understandable. except i had always slept next to or in the same room as my brothers as long as i could remember.

so the nights were EXTREMELY long. 

it was like christmas morning EVERY time i got to see my brothers.

i started getting used to my "new home."

then we were told that we were going to move in with my "Aunt Lue" and "Uncle Moe."

i was excited.

then i realized that me and number three were only going to Aunt Lue's house. 

and number two and number five were going with my "Aunt Sin."

i was disappointed. kinda mad. and really sad.

we moved in with Aunt Lue and the fun began. 

we had our own bed.

i felt so spoiled.

we were able to sleep in the same room.

loved.

we had meals at every mealtime. 

even though i got in trouble each mealtime because i was a picky eater. 

 i still felt loved. i felt so spoiled.

we took baths.

we were clean.

and most of all my Aunt Lue tucked me into bed each night and gave me a huge hug.

again i felt so spoiled.

after living with them for a few years my Uncle Moe got sick. 

he needed a transplant.

so my Aunt Lue and Uncle Moe decided that me and number three needed to move out.

we ended up moving in with our grandparents in coalinga.

these grandparents were my dad's parents.

we lived with them for about 6 months before my grandpa started coming into my bed and sexually abusing me.

i remember the first night it happened. i felt so numb. dead. empty. scared. betrayed.

after he left i went to my brothers room. (number three)

we never said anything to each other that night.

i walked in and stood next to his bed. i was sobbing. 

he rolled over. looked at me. pulled his blankets back and i crawled in bed with him.

still sobbing. he covered me. put his arm around. 

the next morning my grandma (a drunk) came into his room. saw us sleeping and called me a whore. slut. tramp. 

she said only dirty girls sleep in beds with their brothers. 

that was when i realized what i needed to do to survive. 

i became very numb. i learned how to "protect" myself emotionally.

i put a HUGE wall up.

when number three left for the weekend. it was WAY easier for my grandpa. 

 because my brother who would protect me was gone. 

my grandma was so drunk she was passed out.

me and my brother (number three) would take turns spending the weekend with our dad.

after about a month of when my grandpa started coming into my room. 

number two gave up his weekends with our dad.

to save me.

after about three or four years of living with my grandparents.

we moved in with my dad. 

it was the best day ever.

i had my own room.

it was decorated.

i had a huge bed.

most of all number two came to live with us!! 

it was christmas morning.

we lived with our dad for about two years then he was arrested.

number two took the reigns and took care of us until he legally couldnt anymore.

we moved back in with our grandparents.

worst.feeling.ever.

we lived with them for about 5 or 6 months then we were asked to spend Christmas with my Aunt Lue and Uncle Moe. 

after spending a couple days with them. they realized something was wrong.

i was extremely underweight.

my Aunt Lue and Aunt Sin pulled my brother aside. (number 3)

they asked him if we would like to move back in with them.

he said no.

he said he didnt want to because he was in high school and had a lot of friends.

BUT he did say, "take my sister. she isnt doing good. i cant protect her anymore."

being the noisy little sister i was listening outside the bedroom door and began weeping. 

after saying bye to my best friend. my brother.

i moved in with my cousin Kenya and her husband Ramon.

after about 6 months of starting to feel comfortable her husband, Ramon  started coming into my room at night and sexually abusing me.

i love to write. well i used to. i kept a journal. i wrote everything down. every detail of what he would do to me. i would question why i wasnt strong enough to over power him. 

it was my outlet.

till one day Kenya found my journal and asked me about it.

i remember feeling so relieved. 

and before i could say help me and yes your husband is a dirty pervert....

she said, "you have an inappropriate crush on my husband."

literally within hours i was moving back in with my Aunt Lue and Uncle Moe.

i felt lonely.

not having any of my brothers around.

started to feel comfortable.

and about a year after moving in with them my Uncle Moe started sexually abusing me.

he started sexually abusing me my freshman year of high school and didnt stop till i moved out of their house when i was 20. 

once i finally moved out my life began to feel normal. but its when my life starts to feel normal that its when my world begans to fall apart.

through all of this ugliness. disgust. pain. 

i know that this is MY story. there is a purpose for the ugliness. disgust. and pain that i went through. 

and i WILL be made new. not by myself. not by my friends.

not by my fiance. not by books. not by counselors.

but my Savior. 

my prayer for my friends who are reading this blog is that you would not become overwhelmed with guilt. 

guilt that you should have know.

guilt that you should have done something.

guilt that you saw the signs.

guilt that you were a good friend and didnt know. 

but that you would be overwhelmed by the reassurance that my Savior is healing me.

is teaching me.

and that he will make me new. 

i can put my hope in that.

and my prayer is that you can too.