Brushing the Luggage

My dad just came back from his honeymoon a week and a half early because he threw out his back. My dad said that he was moving luggage and pulled it out. His bride claimed that he threw out his back while brushing his teeth. Hmmmm
These are the possible reasons for the lies:
A- My dad did hurt his back brushing his teeth and tried to lie to cover it up. (I can't imagine how vigorously someone would have to brush their teeth in order strain their back.)
B. My dad hurt his back doing something else and they didn't have the time or forethought to work on their story. (This would make his wife an idiot if the best lie she could come up with is him brushing his teeth.)
C. My dad is telling the truth and Tanna misunderstood him...toothbrush and luggage do sound similar. (This is the least likely of the three.)

Honestly, I wish I didn't know my dad strained his back on his honeymoon. The only thing worse than knowing your parents are sexually active is knowing that they are breaking themselves in the act of copulation.

I'll Be Back...

I have piles of grading to do before tomorrow, which means that it’s time to procrastinate and write another blog.

One of my New Year’s resolutions was to start making myself go to the gym a minimum of 4 days a week. Yes, this was one of my more shallow goals. I promise that all my other goals were about giving money away and helping needy children.
Anyways, back to the gym. There is a guy at the gym that makes it near impossible for me to attend 4 days a week. I know what you all are thinking, and no, this isn’t because Virginia embarrassed herself in front of yet another guy. This is a guy that I affectionately refer to as The Juice Monkey. You’ve all probably known a guy just like him at the gym. I’ll describe him to you so you can get a better picture. He’s tall, freakishly large muscles, creates his own tank tops using old t-shirts and scissors, walks around like the owns the gym, has horrible weight lifting form, and grunts when he lifts anything over 50lbs. There’s always at least one or two of these guys at every gym I’ve been to, and, up in till now, I’ve been able to politely ignore them. The problem with The Juice Monkey is that he doesn’t just grunt, he practically screams when he starts lifting heavy weights. It is so loud, I kid you not, that I can hear him 20 yards away over my death-metal music on my iPod. (Okay, I don’t listen to death metal, but it sounds better than saying that I’m listening to Brittany Spears or Beyonce at top volume. Don’t judge me!) I’ve met people at parties, church, and on airplanes (okay just one plane) that find out I work out at the Trolly Square 24-hour Fitness and they ask me if I’ve seen the guy that screams when he works out. He is famous around here.

So now when I work out, I can’t stop obsessing about him. When he screams, I want to hit him in the face because it is so annoying. It interrupts the only de-stressing time I get in my whole day. I once even got the courage up to walk by him and put my finger to my lips and shush him. I think he called me a bitch under his breath and went on screaming. I’ve taken to thinking up various ways that I can silence him. I’ve become really obsessive about it.

Possible Juice Monkey Silencers:

1. The Nice Approach: Tell him I’ve noticed that he’s really big and working hard and I’d appreciate it if he’d just tone it down a little. (This is my least favorite)

2. The Peer Pressure Approach: Tell him that his behavior is so outrageous that everyone is constantly talking about what a tool he is. People call him The Juice Monkey behind his back and some even go to the other 24-hour fitness to avoid his screams.

3. The Cheerleader Approach- Make small posters for everyone in the gym that say SHUT UP on them. When he screams, I’ll give the go-ahead and everyone in the whole gym will stop what they are doing and raise their signs in his direction. (This one will take a lot of planning and convincing, but I think it would totally work.)

4. The Modeling Behavior Approach- Get a bunch of really small guys to go lift the exact same amount of weight he is doing, but have them all do it quietly right next to him.

5. The Copycat Approach- When he is on a machine screaming, I’ll go up and ask if I can work in a set with him. I’ll set my weight at something like 10 or 20lbs and then scream really loudly, just like he does. I’ll also try to make the veins pop out in my neck while I’m lifting and screaming. (This is my favorite!)

Please let me know if you can think of any other suggestions that I’ve overlooked. I’m seriously going to do one of these in the next few weeks. It is driving me beyond distraction at the gym and I must get skinny before spring break.

Here Comes the Bride........reluctantly

Do you know how shocked we all were when Brittany Spears went crazy? Okay, I wasn’t that surprised about her going crazy. What astounded me was that Brittany went SO nuts that she made Kevin Federline look like the normal one in the relationship. That is kind of what happened at my dad’s wedding this past weekend.

Tanna, the bride, fainted before the ceremony backstage, causing the whole thing to start about 25 minutes late. Finally, it got underway, though Tanna couldn’t seem to stop crying. The man officiating/priest asked them the final question. My dad said “yes” and then it was Tanna’s turn. She was crying so hard that she couldn’t speak. The priest then asked again….long pause. She barely managed to squeak out a “yes,” but it felt like she wanted to say no. As everyone left the room in the church, Tanna clutched family members and friends sobbing.

We waited outside the church while she touched up her make-up and hair…for a FULL HOUR! When she finally emerged with my dad, she looked like someone had lit her house on fire right in front of her. She was shaking like a Chihuahua left in the backyard overnight. It was so pitiful to watch. I tried to hug her and welcome her to the family, but I don’t think it helped.

We went to the reception and she looked much calmer by the time she got there. I hope the Zanex had kicked in by then. All the while, my dad was shaking hands, giving speeches, graciously accepting congratulations, and hugging everyone. He looked so normal. It was amazing to see the transformation in the dynamic.

Sidenote: Luckily, my brother and sisters chose to sit in a table in the rear of the reception hall. The piano player was from Tanna’s congregation and regaled us with such tunes as “We’ve Only Just Begun”, “Lady” by Kenny Rogers, “You’re the Inspiration”, “I Want to Know What Love Is”, and “Feels Like Heaven”. It was like the movie The Wedding Singer. We had to eat and try not to look at each other or we'd break out laughing and snorting.

PS- My friend Eric said that Tanna was just afraid that my dad was going to "drop the hammer" later that night. I asked him to please NEVER refer to my dad's member as "the hammer".

New Year's Resolutions

So today I went into work about 10 minutes before the bell rang and realized that I had no lesson plan for the day. I quickly made something up. I decided that my kids were going to write New Year’s resolutions. I wrote a bunch of categories on the board to spark some ideas: service, character, talents, friendship, health, family, spiritual, school, and money.

These are some of my favorite responses:

(I have not changed any wording or spelling)

• I will start saving money for collage.
• I will enjoy nature for 1 hour every week.
• When I’m hungry, I won’t eat.
• Ill cheep my grades above a C.
• I’ll eat baked chips instead of fried chips.
• I’m going to play with the elderly.
• I’m going to stop smoking so much pot. (this from the kid that just moved into my class from Juvi)
• I’m going to be more spiritual by going to church a couple of times.
• I’ll talk to that kid that just moved in across the street unless he’s a dork or annoying.
• I won’t have a negative attitude about service, act as if I like doing acts of kindness for free.
• I’ll build up my scrapbooking talent by scrapbooking more.
• I’ll work out by playing DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) every day.
• I’ll eat a salad for the first time and lose 5 lbs.
• I will be nicer to people I personally think are pathetic and desperate.
• I want to color my hair lighter so people stop thinking I’m goth instead of just a kid that happens to have black hair.
• I will be more interactive with my passion for hunting.

I take it back. My students are hilarious!

SWF Seeks Normal Human Being

So I have been contemplating moving to California recently. I even went so far as to post an ad on Craigslist looking for a place to live in the San Francisco area. My ad mentioned that I’m a teacher, outdoorsy (as long as it isn’t cold), not a drinker or smoker, a big movie buff, clean (not counting the inside of my car), and always pay bills on time. I also posted this very professional looking picture of me in a sweater set.

I received a few dozen responses, 90 percent of which scared me into wanting to stay in Utah.

Here are clips from my top 5 favorite responses:

#1- Great picture. I have a 5 bedroom home in Menlo Park all to myself and just a couple of miles from Palo Alto, since my wife moved out this week it’s basically empty.

(Wow, I can pretty much take a guess at why his wife moved out.)

#2- I have a room just outside of my home with a private access which may be what you're looking for....I'm asking $800, so pretty close to your price range. You would have your own 1/2 bath but the full baths are on the other side of the house, so shower is shared with my kids. While the room itself doesn't have a closet, you can put one in. (I’m betting $10 that she put a bed in her garage and is calling it a room )

#3- Looking to share with responsible and openminded, drug and drama free, creative, healthy lifestyle, bicycle friendly Silicon Valley computer industry professional seeking similar. Basic house attitude is that we're each others' guests so let's keep the common areas reasonably clean and respect each other's privacy and possessions accordingly. Birds and fish are ok, cyclists and vegetarians welcomed, sorry but I'm allergic to most Republicans and 4 legged pets, and my otherwise docile cockatiel squawks louder when a cat is nearby than a tribble in the presence of a Klingon.
Open for male or female, but if female, need to state in advance I'm looking for a housemate, not a gf.

(I’m sorry, did you just say that your cockatiel squawks LOUDER THAN A TRIBBLE IN THE PRESENCE OF A KLINGON? Yea, I don’t think you need to worry about your housemate becoming your GF.)

#4- One small room available in a two bedroom apartment. Hoping you will be absent on weekends. No kitchen privileges. No overnight guests. I go to bed early and hope you do the same.

(Wow, are you looking for a houseplant or a roommate? I forgot to add that it is $800 to rent with this crazy person.)

#5- MY FAVORITE:

Hi,
My name is Jeff. I'm a 28-SWM. I have an offer that might work if you are interested. I have a newer, 3500sf home and am looking for someone to live with me. You would have your own bedroom (15x12) with a WIC and a private bath. You would also have full access to the rest of the house (kitchen, laundry, big screen, hot tub, etc.)

You would pay nothing to live here, in fact, I would give you $1,000 per month in 'shopping money' for your own needs.In exchange, I would ask that you spend a few hours a week with alone with me in my room.

I'm not really crazy, I just work a lot of hours and am not looking to be committed.
Anyways, if you are interested, please let me know and we can talk. If not, I apologize for bothering you.

Thanks,
Jeff

I promptly wrote back to Jeff the following letter:

I'm a teacher, not a prostitute. Thanks for the offer, but if I were selling my "services", I'd get a lot more than a free room and a $1000 a month.
I suggest you try spending your money on therapy; it would probably be a lot better spent.

After reading the responses from the posted ad, I started to feel really good about my current living situation. Yea, I live in the basement of a funky old house, but my rent is only $400, I can use the kitchen, don’t have to hear my roommates speak Klingon, and I don’t have to sleep with anyone to get my 'shopping money'.