Motherhood and the Long Dark Tea Time of the Soul

Since becoming a mother, something most profound and unexpected has been happening to me, and this from someone who didn't want to have kids for quite some time.  Needless to say i was quite nervous about the whole endeavor.  A few years before the birth of my daughter I entered my own spiritual "dark night of the soul" or as Douglas Adams calls it "the long dark tea time of the soul".  What to do when doubts and difficult questions surface and God is seemingly silent on issues that haunt the deepest regions of my heart and mind?  If this terrain were to be conquered with intellect and academia I would certainly be a victor by now.  No, this was much like any experience I've had overseas in foreign terrain. I don't know the rules anymore and find myself helpless and vulnerable for a time.   All the senses take on new life as I both mature and yet simultaneously find myself becoming more childlike in my spiritual knowings.

Oddly enough at the time I find myself in this altogether strange season with God, he gives me a daughter to care for and love.  As I'm questioning God in a thousand ways about his nature and his goodness, he comes to me not in the most intellectually engaging books and conversations I can engage in but rather in weakness.  As I watch my baby girl roll around the floor and babble incessantly, God comes to me through her little helpless presence and tells me he is good.  Samantha: my little baby girl who I love more than I can say.  Nothing makes me feel more vulnerable than loving something so completely.  Samantha: the conduit through which God teaches me about his love for me.  I have to smile at the irony.  My greatest teacher is a little being who cannot even speak yet.  I love you, sweet girl.  

Turns out God is not as silent as I thought he was.  That's the thing about spending time in the dark.  Eyes fail but ears come to life.  And it takes time to learn a new language.  I'm still learning and know not yet all that it entails, but this I know.  Something powerful and profound is happening inside me.  It's like discovering that some of the most beautiful music actually resides in the seemingly mundane.  And motherhood looks really mundane.  Diapers. Drool.  Dishes.  Laundry.  Baby talk and Dr. Seuss.  And underneath it all is this unmistakable voice of God and its everywhere telling me that I'm deeply loved and that my life exists only for a short time to love God in return in all that I do.  And in that place I find tremendous internal rest....even in the dark.

The Birth Story

Baby S arrived two weeks early.
September 11: My water broke at 1:45am.

Ann:  *turns on bedroom light*  "Bruce, wake up.  You need to drive me to the hospital.  I think my water just broke."
Bruce:  "What?" 
Ann:  "You heard me.  Wake up."
Bruce:  "Ok.  Head to the car.  I'll get your suitcase." 

It really wasn't very dramatic at this point.  Bruce later told me he was so tired that he felt really ill when I woke him up.  In his defense (and for those who do not know our situation) his mother had just passed away a few days before this point.  We had spent the week helping make funeral arrangements.

We arrived at the hospital at 2am.  I didn't realize it was September 11 until I signed in at the emergency room.  And honestly at this point, I really didn't care what day it was.  I was going to have a baby!

Nurse:  "You're dialated to a 4.  Are you having any contractions?"
Ann:  "No. I don't feel anything."
Nurse:  "Wait."  *looks at monitor*  "Actually, you are having contractions, you just can't feel them yet."

After checking the baby's position, an ultrasound confirmed that she was breeched, and since I'd already lost so much fluid there was no way to get her turned around.  I had a c-section, and Baby S arrived at 4:05am.  And it was that quick.  I arrived and two hours later my baby was born. I kinda felt like I was cheating or something.  Bruce was so glad that it happened so fast because he was physically and emotionally exhausted from the tragic happenings of the previous week.  After we ooh-ed and ahhhh-ed over the baby for a few hours he went back to sleep.

It actually was a blessing I had the c-section because afterward the doctor told me that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck four times and was tight enough that they had to cut it off.  Since I had the surgery right after my water broke, the baby wasn't in any distress.  Had my labor progressed naturally I probably would have ended up in surgery anyway and by that time the baby would have been in distress.  So even though I didn't initially want the c-section, I'm grateful it all played out like it did.

I remember the first time I saw my daughter.  It was the best thing in the whole world.  I don't think I've ever been so deeply happy as I was at that moment.

When I finally made it out of the O.R. and back to my room, they brought me my daughter, and I looked at Bruce and said that I just wanted to hold her forever.

I never thought I'd love being a mother so much, but it's the best thing I've ever done.  Four months later and I still feel the same way.  I just want to hold her forever.

Life is good

I fell off the face of the blogging earth for a year and a half, and now I'm back.  Much has happened since my last post.  Much.

For starters, I'm now a mother of a beautiful three month old daughter.  Wait, no.  Make that four month old.  My, my, my! Time is flying by.

In October 2011 I took at job at WSU teaching ESL at the language center.  My dream job!  I loved working with international students.  I taught a Reading/Writing Class, Grammar Class, and an Orientation Class to beginner English speakers.  Possibly the most challenging and fulfilling job I've ever had. 

January 2013 I finalized my decision to be a full-time mom for the time being.  Not a difficult decision.  Let's face it.  I waited a long time to have kids and now that it's here, I don't want to miss anything!  I'm really thankful Bruce has a job that allows me to be a full-time mom.

Life is good!

Tour De Nursery

When I initially found out I was pregnant back in January, I was dreading the summer months for two main reasons: 1) I'd be in my third trimester in July/August. 2) We have no air conditioning (like most people in the Pacific Northwest).

However, things have turned out quite differently than I expected. Thankfully, we generally have mild summer weather around here, no humidity, and once temps hit the 90s we bought a portable air conditioner on Craigslist (read:  relief!). Not to mention I took the advice of some friends and found a swimming pool, and let me tell you, for about an hour everyday I swim and feel like I'm not even pregnant. 'Tis marvelous!

My pregnancy has been great and I've enjoyed sharing it with family and friends.  The baby's kicks are getting stronger, and it makes me smile every time over the little miracle growing inside me.

Yes, we have a name picked out but it is top secret and will not be announced until after she's born. Sorry folks!   Due date:  Sept. 24.  This summer I've had a break from teaching and have greatly enjoyed working on projects for our nursery!

And now for a little tour....

My first sewing project back in May was to recover some bumper pads.  Our cat Miles was a big help as you can see.  I found some bumper pads at a thrift shop for $5, and made my own cover.  I designed the owls myself and think it turned out really cute!
 

Since then I've also made three baby quilts and knitted a couple of stuffed toys.  Our other cat Moses is also a big help (see below)!

I'm not into themed nurseries, nor do I want a room filled with pastels.  That's not me.  So, back in Febuary I must have bookmarked a zillion nurseries online that I liked.  I ruled out painting the walls because we are renting this year, and let's face it, I really don't want to have to re-paint the walls back to white before we move out.  So I went with primary colors. 

I found the wall decals online, and I love them! 

I used the leftover fabric from the bumper pads to make a caddy that hangs on the end of the crib.  Soon it will fill up with lots of baby things.

And here's me at 30 weeks.  Baby's growing fast!