青年危机？

隔了两年，今天再次登录这个账号，看见两篇打了一半便搁置了的draft。其实嚷了很久，要重拾写作的习惯。回想起之前自己擅长以文字抒发情绪，不晓得是否最佳，但确实最合适。之前低迷了一段时期，接下来开始崭新的职业生涯也无比艰巨，希望可以保持以书写宣泄心情，控制情绪。

这段日子，经历者所谓的quarter life crisis，青年危机。对于一切未知数和未来很焦虑，很迷茫。知道自己想要什么，又似乎不懂自己的决定是否正确。道理似乎都懂，却又时常把自己逼到墙角想不通。

对于一切未知，自己着急的想要有个版图或确认，很难，更可以说是不可能。别人的建议可以给你多个想法，别人的经历可以让你借鉴，但没有人可以告诉你该怎么过你的一生，更没有人可以担保你怎么做才万无一失。“以后的一切，时间会给你答案”，我慢慢开始放缓自己，告诉自己每一个去体验每一个经历，随遇而安。

今天跟中学同学聚了一会儿，聊了聊近况，谈了谈以后，发现这个年龄这个阶段，大家都很迷茫。聊到未来发展，有个朋友说挣够钱才是王道。“那些说简单过的人们其实是没有选择，所以将就。”
当下我回应“如果他做的一切是他觉得有意义的，是自己喜欢的，也没问题啊。” “对啦，每个人有不同的看法” “嗯，每个人的价值观和prioritise的东西都不一样啊。”
我之前也领略过每个人会有不同的价值观和觉得对自己重要的东西，也同意以前师兄告诉我的“做什么都好，最重要开心”。

但过了许久，这句话还一直回荡在我脑海中。是因为我在想留在英国工作这件事。对于独自漂泊异乡，我确实觉得英国不适合我，自己不是很喜欢。但也不想以后自己有机会后悔，所以还是毅然多留一年，先考执照。但qualified之后，若继续留下，确实是比较多机会挣钱，储经验，也有更好的机会发展。但觉得也自己不会过得开心，所以之前打了个90%的信心自己一年后一定会回国。今天听了朋友这么一说，有点过不去，一直在想，我有得选择，那自己是不是没有捉紧这个机会？

终于想通了，当考虑了一切因素才做出的决定，便是最适合自己的选择。理解自己的决定之后会有的差异，衡量过对自己重要的因素，对于之后的一切后果，都是自己乐于接受的，那便不是将就。只要适合自己，又何必介意别人怎么说怎么过呢？

我不敢保证不会有变数，也不晓得决定是否正确。但我不常后悔自己做的决定，希望自己可以做自己觉得有意义的事，好好体验每一个经历。愿大家都可以找到自己向往的未来，以自己喜欢的方式过一生。

廿一

二十一岁，正值青春旺盛的花样年华。本应是朝气蓬勃、积极有干劲的标志。反观自己，又是一个失眠的夜，躲在被窝里辗转难眠。而所谓的失眠，其实不就是一个自己不愿入睡的执着。到底是为何，自己也说不上理由；那像是一种恐惧，似乎入睡后便会跌入万丈深渊永不超生。每一个夜里，都无法安稳入睡，千万个念头在脑海里奔腾。或许这造就了不安，所以说不了晚安。

不得不承认，你把仅有的二十一岁过得一塌糊涂。说不上最大的问题出在哪里，也提不了什么真正引以为傲的创举。可能就是这种不上不下的尴尬吧。你似乎每天都在忙碌，为了大小事操心，甚至觉得一整年来没有试过一个晚上可以安稳入眠。无奈的是，你看起来不过就是白忙一场。你依然没把事情处理好。

你清楚知道，也最懊恼的是，你迷失了原本的自己。那个积极上进、开朗健谈、处事圆滑、不屈不挠的你。现在的你不擅表达、木纳呆板、慵懒怠慢。你清楚知道，原来的你不会是这个样子。你活成了你曾经瞧不起的样子，有着你最厌恶的性格。可这又到底是为何。

 你曾想过或许你终于领教到现实的残酷。随着年龄的增长，以及面对更多的事情，渐渐为你披露残酷的现实。你一直坚守的信念，你发现是那么的脆弱不堪。你口口声声的原则和底线，其实有多不可理喻。你伟大的理想和抱负，是多么的不堪一击！
还有更多更多，你不愿承认，不想接受的事实一一揭露，赤裸裸的展现在你面前，你不得不啃下。你曾经将一切归咎于无情的现实。

可是近日，终于觉醒。其实一切的弊端正是因为自己。当头棒喝。其实你一直都在逃避。你一直不愿承认，问题出在自己身上。那一天，你流了好多泪。自责的泪、羞愧的泪、懊悔的泪参杂着一种自己终于重获希望的喜极而泣。

你开始激励自己，重设目标，改变心态。你领悟出，一切好坏取决于自身的态度。纵使现实无比残酷，生活多么糟糕，靠的不过是自己的诠释方式。你选择把一切看得最坏，把最阴森的那一面展示出来。你一直认为处于生活上的瓶颈，对人际关系的厌恶和一切负面的看法，皆是自己钻牛角尖的任性。 而事实是，你跨不过你自己设的那道坎。

以前开心或不开心的时候、烦恼的时候、忧虑的时候，你总习惯在本子上一笔一画道出脑海里的想法，或是在键盘上敲敲打打，一字一句发泄解除所谓的忧愁和痛苦。不晓得什么时候开始，你不再动笔。也依旧没把心房打开，没有任何人能让你诉说一切担忧。而最终导致的是你无法抒发自己的情绪。没有让你发泄的管道。

你似乎曾经想尝试再次找回迷失的自己，可是屡屡失败告终。原因便是消极的你依旧逃避，为自己找更多的借口。

你庆幸自己似乎终于顿悟。现在的你，只想劝劝自己，既然一切得来不易，那就不要重蹈覆辙。正面对待问题，重回轨道，指日可待。

Sunday @Broga Hill

Broga Hill also known as Bukit Lalang due to its speciality of having lots of couch grass instead of tress along the hill is a well known place for people to hike. It is located in Broga, just a stone's throw away from my university. Thus, it is even more popular for students from UNMC to hike there.

Me as an UNMCian for about three years, had the thought of hiking Broga Hill since I knew the place but never really do it. However, two days ago I was invited by my housemates to hike together this weekend. To be honest, I consider it more than twice before I promise to go along.

For a non-sporty person like me (if you want to categorise people from the scale of 0-10 on how sporty they are, frankly speaking I might even fall into the negative caterogory), this is undoubtedly a challenge. I rarely go for sports and never hike. If you mean walking up and down through "slope" or something like Perkasa Hill back in the little town Tenom then yes I did it quite a few times especially during my childhood period. But talking about the real 'hiking', I have no experience, at all. I even did research on Broga Hill from the Internet, all the reviews, the pictures of the trek, the "must know", the "do and don't", the "N things to prepare" etc. Many of them define it as "beginner level" for hiking which made me feel a lot relieved. In the end, I decided to join as I do not want to have regrets before leaving this little town during my last year here.

I worried a lot the night before. We promised to leave campus at 4:30am so that we are able to enjoy the breathtaking sunrise scene from the peak. It is already a challenging part for me as I don't usually wake up too early, I mean ya I can be awake till 4 it seems normal to me but when it comes to sleep early and wake up early, I am not so sure if I can do that. However, I managed to get up before 4am, with three hours of sleep.

I went there with another four young and ambitious (I am not sure why I chose this word but it suits,anyway) girls. We started hiking once we reached there. Only about 15 minutes later, I started to feel defeated and do not want to continue. They kept encourage me to continue hiking. I couldn't remember how many times I stopped and asked them to go without me. I felt bad for needing them to stop with me and wait for me to get my rest before continue. These beauty souls kept motivate me to continue and did not want to leave me behind, alone. They helped me a lot and cheered me up over and over again.

After all the fights between my poor stamina vs the steep trek, I finally got to the first peak, which I originally intend to reach.

It was still dark before the sunrise. The first empty space that can have a view from top where we only see nothing but rocks, clay and some trees with thin barks before reaching there.

Then, we decided oh no, I mean they decided to hike to the next peak. If you asked me to choose I would say just stop here. But since all of them are still so energetic and I seems like a bit used to the tempo and still can cope with it, I joined them to hike to the next peak. 

 

It was also still dark up there. We didn't actually take much time to get there as the distance between peaks isn't that far. 

And I guess this is another reason to push the girls once again, to hike further, to the summit. It is indeed harder to hike but we still made it.

 

It doesn't leave good impression to me as there are a lot of smokers smoking up there made me suffocated with the carbon monoxide all around. To make it worse, it was actually kind of crowded with limited space. I randomly took the picture of signboard showing 'Puncak Bukit Broga' then we left together as it was approaching dawn.

We went down the hill simultaneously with the daybreak. Upon reaching the second peak, it was already shining bright. 

 

We somehow managed to witness the sunrise, but not a really clear one. The panaromic view on top is attractive. We stopped by and took a lot of pictures together, and selfies of course. I told them I gonna take as much as possible since this is the first time, and might be the only time I ever hike. 

 

We then continued to go down the hill. Forgot to mention about the crowd went for hiking today. A lot of people were there together, cheering each other up, warning each other to be careful at dangerous steps and helping each other out. I am not sure if the pictures speak for me but the crowd was referred as 'a happening bazaar over there' by us. We even trapped and forced to sit on the rock waiting because we could not go down since people are hiking up and it is a one way route.

 

 

Going down the hill is comparably easier for me, it went smooth and we reached safe and sound. After breakfast at Semenyih we head back to campus, and I continue sleeping for three hours straight after bathing. And now I guess I really need to get back to my awaiting assignments and works. I had no intention to blog this initially but it is definitely a precious experience which worth a little bit of my time to be sacrificed. 

Hiking is just like our lives, we may face a lot of challenges, obstacles and temptations. We often feel defeated, demotivated or wanted to give up. There will be time others overtake us, or drag us behind. What we can do is only keep our targets straight, leave the worries and negativity aside, then work for it. Do not stop until it happened.

For me I often endure all emotional stress, but the physical one is rare, but I did it today. "Conquer your fear", I remembered I was told by one of my teacher before. This is the attitude we need to apply on daily life, I guess.

So yeah this wrapped up my memorable first hiking experience with the girls! 

 

全辩15

辩论绝对不只是对方辩友来对方辩友去的比赛，更像是一种语言的表演。辩论比赛也不是单看场上的交流，当开始筹备、搜集资料、设架构、攻破架构、再重设、定站场、备稿，每一天都已经是比赛。再到场上的交锋，从铺陈、盘问设陷阱、自由辩要攻要守、要留下的印象、要结的站场，每分每秒其实都在较量。懂我们辩论辛苦的人，谢谢你；不懂的人，没关系。

我们诺丁汉大学的辩论队，才成立了半年。队友都说当时是因为有一个“好事之人”去找老师召集人参加全辩。对，就是在讲我。一开始我们陌生，是辩论让慢慢的熟络起来。我们队伍的阵型很少见，4个研究生，2个undergrad。队友年龄经验差距悬殊，依然这样莽撞冲进全辩。然而，无可厚非，他们是我最棒的队友。也很幸运，遇见很棒的教练。

来到大学继续参与辩论，对辩论有了截然不同的见解，同时也学到了更多。从老师身上，和senior身上。他们从不吝啬一起分享心得和窍门。更棒的是，他们不会摆架子，不介意大家融在一块。讨论辩论的时候，我们认真揣摩；其余的时间，我们谈天说笑。虽然大家会互相吐槽，开彼此玩笑，可同时也奠定了深厚的感情基础。

说真的，刚开始和他们一起会有压力。沟通起来担心会有代沟，辩论的时候怕扯他们后腿。可担心真的只是担心。我们可以闲话家常，聊个天南地北；辩论方面他们也常常给我信心，跟我说“就算你不相信自己，也要相信我们是相信你的”。他们知道我因为交通问题常常困在同个地方所以集训后总会带我去不同的地方吃东西。再加上我们辩论队成员几乎都是吃货，渐渐的我们的重点都放在吃东西上。到后来辩论队宗旨好像有点走火入魔了。无论如何，和他们同队真的让我感到无比庆幸。平时可以相处自如，因为知道他们会照顾我；辩论场上可以放心去打，因为知道后面会有人帮我撑着。

这一次比赛更让我看到每个人为这支队伍真的都花了心思。当我们全体在等小组赛成绩的时候，一起筹备的整个过程，真的很棒。当我们16强遗憾败北的时候，大家一起的那种心情。放下比赛包袱后，开始疯狂，似乎不断的在比看谁说的笑话比较好笑，然后就是我们不断的大笑声和各种讽刺的话语甚至模仿。听过别人谈他们队伍的分歧，真的庆幸自己有的这支队伍。原谅我不善表达，可是真心觉得有他们好棒。

我可以骄傲的说，我们和别人不一样。场上场下，我们都有自己的特色。虽然16强止步的确遗憾，但我们从中得到的，已经够多。

或许以后再也听不到，
“有的很老，有的很小，诺丁汉大学 向大家问好”
这样的开场了
不被看好的三线队，升上二线。也让一线的他们记住了我们。已足矣。

我们被迫苦笑说辩论队的命运终究是瓦解，但我们不言弃，只要我们还在，诺丁汉大学辩论队，也还会在。

无论以后我们辩论队的方向会是如何，都再也见不到我们这样的阵型参加比赛了。这种心情的确不好受，但我可以很肯定地说，即使再来一次，我依然会做出一样的选择，因为我们得到的，真的更多。


全辩15，我们的旅程已经落幕。但我依然不愿为这一切画上句点...

 

 

小时候爸爸和姐姐看辩论比赛，我不懂，只静静坐着看八位辩手口若悬河；
中学我开始参加辩论，开始觉得自己喜欢辩论，这条路要走下去；
大学先修班，兴致勃勃参与辩论组，无奈了无音讯，总在懊恼怎么我大学没有辩论队；
升上大一，机缘巧合之下，辩论队成立了，更难以置信的是，我正在筹备全辩。

常常有人问我，你怎么会喜欢辩论呢？嗯，或许存粹因为我喜欢说话，喜欢辩论时候的那种感觉吧。

热爱辩论的人很多，热血的人也不少。我曾经自以为我算是热血，可其实我不是。只能说自己有兴趣，喜欢。中学时期，我羡慕西马的辩友可以常常参加比赛打辩论，有更多机会接触种种与辩论有关的活动、资讯。碍于处在东马，华语辩论比赛少得可怜，幸运的话一年两场，否则只剩国会辩。一年一度的国会辩，其他学校可能会考虑是否要参加的一场；却是我们所期待 。只有州赛胜出，我们才有机会参加国赛。我的中学母校辩论组虽然曾经风光，可参与的人总是寥寥无几。看着别人学校需要透过校内比赛征选辩手，比赛可以换人上场，还有一班智囊团、教练，更不提大批支持者。而我们，全员人数屈指可数，能组成一队已经很棒。只有一位指导老师，而辩手是我们，搜集资料是我们，连练习时的计时员也是我们，模拟赛对我们来说简直就是奢望，还记得当时老师会说“站起来讲话的是正方，其他的做反方，不要忘记打岔啊” 。那自由辩呢，不就是我们站站坐坐，三四个人互问互答，有时候还得自己反驳自己的问题。参赛时，由于资金有限，有幸的话就可以带一位候补，不过通常都是三位辩手加上一位老师，四个人的阵型。

尽管如此，所幸中学时期每一年依然有接触辩论，可说获益匪浅。我们辩论实力和别人相比自叹不如，可那份热情却无可厚非，无奈种种限制下热情没得运用。

上了大学情况依然如此，我的大学华文本来就不受欢迎，更别提辩论。我们的辩论队和我中学时期非常相似，可庆幸我依然可以从学习。
全辩，我是从爸爸和姐姐口中得知，他们称它为大专辩论赛。那只是一个我曾经期盼憧憬的舞台，没想过如今实现了。我们自嘲是以“鱼腩队”身份出现，参与此项盛事。这次，我没有抱有任何野心，存有任何奢望；只自在于参与的过程，和从中所学到的。

对辩论的兴趣，始终如一；可对辩论的热忱，大不如前。
或许之前隔了几年没有接触辩论，或许觉得自己力不从心，又或许这些都是借口，我其实根本不算喜欢？或许。我也不解。

可我始终没有后悔参与辩论，更没有后悔继续坚持辩论。因为我知道，若我放弃，那将会成为我的遗憾。

无论这条路的终点站会在哪里，结果将会是如何；我依然庆幸，现在我正走在这条路上。 :)