here i am again, up at this unearthly hour.
renaissance giving me a headache.
eyes are hurting, shoulders are aching.

but i must stay awake and finish this.
by Your strength, i will.
as people one by one fall asleep, i know You're here with me.
You never sleep, You never slumber.

because of You,
i will survive yet another gruelling week.
i will survive year 1.
i will survive till graduation. and beyond.
and even if i fail, i won't question.

because everything's crafted into Your perfect plan.
You,
the Potter, the Artist, the Creator.
our Father.


there she goes
3:41 AM



sitting in an empty 179A on a tuesday morning at 8.25am, seeing one crowded 179A after another zooming past me towards ntu..
somehow all these seemed kinda surreal to me.
those movements were so mechanical, so regular.
like a daily occurence.

makes me wonder how many of those people in those buses actually looked forward to school.
or was the action of taking the bus everyday just a meaningless routine that has to be followed because they have to?

but i bet hardly anyone takes the bus out of ntu on a normal school day like i did.
it's like something different.

*

have been leaving school at 9/10plus for the past few nights.
thanks to silkscreen printing & our bodycover project.

but somehow i kinda like working in school at night.
so relaxing and peaceful,
in the company of just a small group of classmates.
and it's nighttime when we start seeing people getting high on fatigue.
super hilarious.
(okay fine i'm one of them)

all the little memorable fishball moments..

like fareez exclaiming "i want to do something CRAZY!" in the middle of can A carpark,
which left a poor passerby looking severely traumatised.
like the three of us anyhow singing a range of songs from classical to oldies to country to rf's favourite WANG LI HONG.
we are versatile okay, can switch station one.
like azman and his plan to make announcement (with me humming canon in d as background music), which never happened & hopefully will happen later.

s3.1 is so freaky at night!
i'll NEVER stay in there late alone.

glad i finally finished my silkscreen,
so much more work to do though! (as usual)
but i'm very cui now so shall go to sleep.
zzzz....


there she goes
2:24 AM



"solitude is different from loneliness."

thank you my dear.
talking to you has always been a refreshing experience for me.

*

last night, i made my way to VCH for a concert.
i was surrounded by hordes of youths my age, all dressed up and ready to soak up the atmosphere of the night. they were chatting away merrily with their peers & immersing themselves in one another's company.
i could have been one of them in other occasions.
but last night, i was all by myself.
i didn't care, i didn't mind.
in fact, i think i kinda enjoyed it. (:

overall, it was a night well spent.

being alone sometimes gives me space to think.
it creates room for reflection, for consideration, for inspiration.
it's so easy to lose oneself sometimes when amongst people.
especially for a person like me who is weak at heart & mind, and very easily distracted.
(unlike Elizabet in Persona)

but being alone,
it's like a different world all together.
i can be who i truly am, without having to put on a front i want people to see and agree with.
it's only when i'm alone when tears flow most naturally.
when ideas come tumbling in like nobody's business.
when i can actually feel my surroundings.

to me,
solitude is not merely an absence of human company.
it's something more than that.
it's like another avenue to living life you know.

and somehow it seems to put one's self to test.
you may give up your seat to the elderly when you're with friends, but will you still do that when you're alone?
do you feel small, insecure and lost amidst the crowd you hardly know?

sometimes i thank God i don't have an active hall life. (other than with my beloved roomie, which is enough for me actually)
it gives me the peace i need at times.
boy am i happy no one from hall ever jios me out for supper, outings & birthday celebrations.
i was never a people person anyway.
even more so at night, when all i want is some space & time alone.
in peace and quiet (sometimes disrupted by inconsiderate noisy smoking lesbian toiletmates).

i can't imagine myself like that years back man.
i think i'd die. haha.
this trying experience has definitely opened my eyes to many things i was once oblivious to.
i thank You for this maturation. (:
time to give all honour to my King.


there she goes
2:18 AM



angst-ridden.
feel like smashing everything i see in sight.
hurt.
just like a cutting board.
jaded and worn.
tattered and torn.

everywhere i turn i see an ugly face.
perhaps seen through ugly eyes.
from an ugly heart.
it angers me. the ugly me.

i don't want to care anymore.
everyone in this glass globe seems to fade away for the moment.
the solitary figure stands alone.
i'm not alone.

but the world doesn't stop for your grief.
life walks on,
whether you can keep up or not.

sometimes i just wish i was.. better.
more useful.
more able.
anything i'm not.

unable to control my emotions, this is scary. =X

these feelings are like poison.
Lord purge them from me.
please.

it will come to pass.
morning brings renewal and hope.
it ends here?


there she goes
12:12 AM






there she goes
1:30 AM



i want to cry.
i don't know why.
it's nothing blue.
it's just so true.

perhaps a clash of many many emotions?

seeing the light & deciding to move on with life,
reading those emails which made me smile,
thinking about G4 class issues,
pondering upon interpersonal relationships,
reflecting as usual,
stressing over homework as usual,
missing the people i love,
feeling optimistic/sad/hopeful/lonely/loved/frustrated/guilty,
yet feeling God's presence & His love embracing me.

it's nothing emo.
it's just... i don't know.




maybe i'm just tired.
and sick.

i miss sajcband.




there she goes
3:30 PM