Glory be to God

 Jesus said to her “Take heart, daughter; your faith has made you well.”

-Matthew 9:22

The sermon at church today was about keeping the faith and giving all the glory to God when His faithful promises are made good. It reminded me that I needed to update my little corner of the blogosphere about my journey of faith!

Our precious miracle, Stella Grace, was born March 20 weighing 7lbs 1oz and with a full head of strawberry blonde hair, she came into this world screaming wildly on fire. 

My pregnancy was nothing short of amazing and I felt absolutely great the entire time. I was able to workout up until the day I delivered her and I am so thankful for all the hard work my body did to prepare and grow her. After all the negative things my body has been through in the last few years, and all the time I spent cursing it for failing me repeatedly, I am grateful that it was finally able to function "normally".

However, at my 20 week anatomy ultrasound, it was found that Stella had several choroid plexus cysts on her brain. Although my doctor tried to assure me that it was probably not a sign of anything ominous, it landed us an emergent trip to the maternal fetal medicine specialist. After a more thorough ultrasound and a DNA blood test, they were deemed harmless and she was free of a speculated Trisonomy 18 diagnosis.  I was still closely monitored throughout the remainder of my pregnancy to watch the cysts and guarantee that they disappeared. What a relief it was to see them shrink each ultrasound until they were completely gone! 

While I was in labor on the day Stella was born, her heart rate started showing drastic decelerations on the monitor. The nurses could tell that this was due to a "cord issue", but that's all they said. They did a great job keeping their composure and assuring me everything would be ok. But when my doctor came in to check me, he went into frantic panic mode and said she needed to get out FAST. It felt like only about 5 minutes had passed and Stella was out. Not only did she have the cord wrapped around her neck, she also had a true knot in her cord. But she was completely fine. I was induced early, before my due date to control my bleeding issue. The day after Stella was born, my doctor admitted to me that had I gone all the way until my due date, she had a drastically increased chance of being stillborn due to the knot in her cord. Needless to say, in that moment, it was clear that this little girl was meant to be here on this earth with us for a purpose. Here she was, only 1 day old, and yet her list of God's faithful actions toward her arrival was already a mile long. 

Stella is 3 months old now and we are finally coming out of the "newborn fog". {Some people are blessed with perfect, non crying, always sleeping newborns. I was not one of those people!} Stella was an extremely difficult baby for many months. Her colic and reflux issues plus to her refusal to sleep made it very hard to praise God for this precious miracle He so graciously gifted us with. Somewhere amongst all the crying and sleep deprivation, I realized that nothing about "getting" Stella had been easy...the wait, the uncertainty, the fertility issues, her delivery, and now this cranky newborn phase. But you know what? All of those struggles made her worth it, SO worth it. 

 

God never promised it would be easy, He only promised that He would always be faithful. And faithful He has been. All the glory be to God!

They don't work ... like, at all

At some point in our society, it has become the "norm" to rudely question (& subsequently judge) new mothers about how they choose to feed their babies. We all know breast is best. But for whatever reason, i.e. nursing problems, babies with medical issues, mothers going back to work-- if/when a mom decides not to breastfeed, she frequently feels shamed & scorned by moms everywhere.

This issue became even more disturbing to me after reading this article from a young mother & breast cancer survivor. Now that I am pregnant and will be in her shoes very soon with a newborn, unable to breastfeed, I am completely dreading the stares, questions and ridicules from unknowing strangers. Namely, starting in the hospital when "well-meaning" healthcare professionals seem to bombard you about breastfeeding your new baby. I've already been asked, several times by several different people in the healthcare profession, if I'm going to be breastfeeding this baby. I know they probably meant no harm in asking, but it still astounds me how little is known about the subject. So just to clear up any future confusion-- the short answer is I would LOVE nothing more than to be able to nurse my baby, but sadly no, I physically cannot. A double mastectomy leaves a woman with absolutely no breast tissue or milk ducts, and most of the time without nipples. Yes, I look like I physically have breasts, but they are nothing more than shells of skin that hold silicone implants. And for those, I am extremely grateful because I am able to feel and look feminine. But they serve no other purpose, and never will.

I have researched many alternative options about how to best feed my baby, including milk banks & donor milk. I am so thankful that these options exist for women in similar situations like myself. I have also contacted Susan G Komen to see if they have any partnerships with milk banks or formula companies to help young breast cancer survivors like myself feed their babies. So far no such programs exist, but I am excited about the possibility to be able to help further this research and hopefully foster partnerships in the future. I feel like with the (unfortunate & alarming) increase in young women who are diagnosed before they start/complete their families, the more this will soon pose a greater need among survivors.

To be completely honest, I already feel extreme guilt & sadness over not being able to breastfeed this baby. I would love nothing more than to share that nursing bond with her! Additionally, I know those feelings will only be magnified once she is born and my hormones are in full effect; what a tough & delicate time for a new mom! But the reality of the situation is, because of my double mastectomy, I am ALIVE and I am blessed beyond measure. I was able to beat breast cancer to be here today, to even have the chance to get pregnant and bring this precious miracle baby into the world. So before anyone jumps to judgement, just know that my gratefulness far exceeds my worry about how my baby gets fed. My hope is that by sharing my story it will help others to be careful with their questions and judgements. Every momma has a story, and has walked a journey to get there, so let's all remember to be mindful of her feelings!