It's not about me

Last month was Breast Cancer Awareness month, and it completely skirted by in the blink of an eye! {This whole working-mommy thing is tough.}

The month did not fly by without some awesome, note-worthy happenings. My school's cross-country team put together a Race for the Cure team in my honor. I was shocked that during a school-wide ceremony the entire school- students, faculty, staff, and parents- wore pink in for me. I've always been moved to see people wear pink, or the pink ribbon, in honor of breast cancer. But to have an entire school do it just for YOU is extremely overwhelming & humbling. I was honored to briefly speak in front of the school and share my survivor story.

The next week I received a very unexpected phone call. "Hi Anne? This is Ellen Degeneres Show and we've selected you to be our Survivor Of the Week". What?! I was in complete shock for the next hour! When I submitted my story a few weeks prior, I definitely did not expect to be picked. The fact that they took the time to read my story and chose to highlight my journey was just so exciting. {I was secretly waiting for them to say they'd fly me to LA for the show, but no such luck!} It felt so surreal that my story was being shared to millions in Ellen's fan base. Wow. Just wow.

As exciting as these events were,  it was several other happenings that were far more important. Two friends went in for a mammogram because of a concern and after hearing my story, they wanted it checked out. I was put in touch with three random strangers, young women, who were newly diagnosed and lost & scared. I was connected with another young survivor who told me "I think that you are my soul mate!" after we poured our hearts out to each other about our very painful struggles. These women are why I share my story. This is what this awful disease is about; not pain, loss, hurt. It is about touching other peoples' lives and reaching out to those in need, it is not about me. I am merely the messenger for Jesus, helping other women along the way and ministering to their hearts to help them through their journey. And I am blessed and honored to do it.

"Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other" 

Ephesians 4:2

What's new?!

Wow I can't believe it's been 3 long (..or short?!) months since my last post. It was completely unintentional and life just got busy! The summer was beautiful & wonderful and I'm sad to see it go. But with the end of summer comes another new chapter in our lives-- I have gone back to work!

a girls' trip to Oceanside, CA

Remember how funny God is when we think we have our life all planned out? Yeah, He likes to laugh at us. I thought I had my life all planned out: we'd have two (or three!) kiddos and I'd stay home with them until the last one went to school full time. Then I'd return to work. Well considering I don't have a babe at home right now, and my daughter is now in Pre-K five days a week, I'm left a little empty. Sure it's nice to have alone time; I love all the "me time" I can get! But the reality is all that alone time isn't good for my soul. Staying at home thinking about not having a baby right now is just not what's best for my heart. I decided that I need to be out, doing something, being productive with my time.

 

 first day of school

Enter my daughter's amazing school. We made the careful decision to send her to this outstanding private school for many, many reasons. And now I'm honored to be able to say that I teach there! It has been such a blessing to me to be in a positive environment, around wonderful people, starting a new chapter. I could go on and on about how blessed I feel to have this opportunity in my life right now. I never knew how badly I needed this change until it happened. God is still sneakily working in my life when I least expect it, I see it all the time!

my BRCA story

With all the whirlwind media lately surrounding Angelina Jolie's decision for a bilateral mastectomy I thought I'd share a lil bit about being BRCA positive. It's been over a year-and-a-half since I found out I was BRCA2 positive and I realized I haven't talked much about it on my blog.

For the record, no one in my family, immediate or extended, has ever had breast cancer or any type of cancer for that matter. This was the main reason no one suspected that my lump was actually cancer. Once I was in fact diagnosed, at the age of 28, the first test they ran was the BRCA test. Less than 20% of breast cancers are genetically linked to the BRCA mutation, but typically when a young woman is diagnosed it's often because of BRCA. I remember my oncologist saying to me "If you come back positive, I'm betting it'll be BRCA2". Sure enough, I was.

Everyone is born with the BRCA gene in their genetic makeup. Less than 1% of the population has a mutation on the BRCA1 or BRCA2 (yay me, awesome odds!). This mutation causes a malfunction in tumor suppression, thus allowing tumors - mainly in the breast & ovaries - to grow. I had no reason to think that I had this mutation until I was diagnosed. Many young women are now proactively being tested because of a family member having cancer, and they are opting for preventative surgeries. I've found an awesome group of women, called Young Previvors, who provide an excellent source of support for BRCA+ young people.

I've been humbled to have several friends come forward and talk to me about their family cancer history and get tested for the BRCA gene themselves. I cannot even tell you how happy this makes me that they're taking their health into their own hands. It is so important to know your family history and make wise choices regarding your future health.

There is a process called PGD where you can elective to have your embryos screened for a variety of genetic diseases and mutations. Many people who are BRCA+ choose to have this done so they do not pass on the mutation to their children. While this is an amazing option for many people, we feel like this is not something we will do for any future children we may be blessed with. Our daughter may or may not have this mutation, we won't know until she's 18, but she did not get a choice in her genetic makeup. To us it would not be fair to genetically screen any other children we may have-- they all deserve the same chance at life. When I brought this up with our daughter's pediatrician, his reply was "There's now a vaccine for cervical cancer, I'm sure by the time she's old enough there will be a vaccine against BRCA". I was so relieved; what great optimism to have! When our own daughter does get tested for the mutation, I will fully support any decision she decides to make to prevent herself from getting cancer should she carry the same mutation that I do.

The largest hereditary cancer organization for BRCA+ information/support for YOUNG women is Bright Pink which was started by Lindsay Avner, 22yr old woman who elected for a preventative mastectomy. It is such an amazing organization and I love all of the awesome information and support that they offer. There is also another national group called FORCE who offer valuable resources and research about BRCA. They are actually helping members of my own immediate family to get testing. They've also recently partnered with the Basser Institute, the first and only research center for the BRCA mutation. I've spoken to the director of the Basser Institute for advice on my own diagnosis and they are truly doing awesome ground-breaking work there.

So the bottom line is know your family's history, and if you don't know, ask! And if I can answer any question for you too, please ask me! I'd love to help in any way I can.

the best gift ever

Are you ready for this? Are you ready to read about the most amazing act of God's grace? Because I'm lucky enough to be living it right now.

If you've been a reader of my blog for a while now you know I've always said that I feel like I've gone through this process because I was meant to pay it forward and help others. I've had several awesome opportunities to counsel other young women who were diagnosed and it's warmed my heart to be able to lend a helping hand or a smiling face to someone who is struggling with a scary diagnosis. To me, this was God's sign that He was using me as His servant. I had never felt so blessed ... until this past week. Something happened that topped all of this.

A week ago I joined a Facebook group for adoptive mothers-- women who have adopted and are looking to adopt. Since we are exploring all of our adoption to expand our family, I decided "why not?" and joined the group. I introduced myself and shared my diagnosis/story & also my blog. Well a few days passed and a woman from the group contacted me saying she had an adoption opportunity for me. She said that a baby boy was due May 7 and wanted to know if I wanted the baby. I wish someone could've taken a picture of my face at that moment because it was pure shock. Was this a sign from God? Was this child meant to be our baby? A million thoughts were running rampant through my brain.  After talking to my husband, we decided that we're just not emotionally (or legally) ready for this so soon. It's less than a month away and it was just too soon for us. We'd barely scratched the surface of just discussing adoption and here we were with the possibility of bringing a baby home. Things got very real very fast!

So unfortunately we decided to decline the adoption offer, but we graciously passed it off to some dear friends of ours. They have been trying to have a baby for 5 years now with no success. They recently made the decision to adopt and started the legal process. Basically they were one of many couples out there "waiting on that call". We immediately thought of them and called them to offer this up to them. After they agreed, we hung up and hoped & prayed for the best. I was so torn about whether or not we'd just snubbed God. Did we just turn down His one and only offer for a baby for us?! My awesome husband reminded me "Anne, God uses people as His servants everyday. Maybe we are being use to give them their baby that they've been waiting for". That's when it hit me. We were the means that made it possible for them to become parents. Once my friend called me back to confirm me that they were indeed proceeding with the process, I broke down bawling. God truly did use my painful, ugly, horrible struggle to produce something beautiful for our friends. We never know what He's working on, or how His will is going to work out, but He is always faithful and never forgets about us or our wants. We are so excited for our friends and their brand new baby boy!

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."  

1 Thessalonians 5:18

survivorship: 1 year!

You know, I've never asked my doctor what he measures survivorship by. Is it when the cancer was physically removed from my body during my mastectomy? Or when I finished chemo exactly one year ago? I like to go by when I was completely FINISHED with all things treatment related. So I'm basing my survivorship on when I finished chemo a year ago.

So what has happened in the past year? A lot of soul searching. A lot of re-building. A lot of praying. A lot of helping others. I have dedicated myself to reaching out to other young women who have been diagnosed. I've made it my mission to make sure they know they are not alone, and that they will be JUST FINE. To me, that is the most important part of my life now: God using me as a faithful servant to serve others in need. During my treatment I witnessed the love of Jesus in real-life through the women that helped me through. So it is my honor to do the same for other women now.

Living life as a survivor is a delicate and confusing journey. There are so many things that should be "normal" again that unfortunately are not. Learning to step outside my comfort zone and work on my insecurities has been a huge challenge. But with the love & support of friends, and through much prayer, I've successfully gotten to this point by the gift of troubled grace.

Along with a lot of spiritual growth has come the exciting growth of my hair. Guess who has a cute, new (& normal) haircut now?! I could not be any happier with my new 'do!  

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

  Deuteronomy 31:6

Happy Hair-aversary

Wow. I seriously cannot believe it has been a year since I shaved my head. It feels so long ago, but it also feels just like yesterday. Time is such a tease like that!

Unfortunately (& fortunately) this is the one and ONLY reminder that I had cancer. Most days that word doesn't even enter into my mind anymore-- hallelujah! But when I walk past a mirror and I catch sight of this short hair, it's a glaring reminder that yes, you did have cancer. You lost your hair, you were bald. I hate that it's a constant reminder, but I'm getting better about accepting it.

I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to everyone who has complimented my short hair over the past year. It has meant SO much to me, and you'll never quite understand what it's done for my psyche. I've literally had to rebuild my self confidence back from the ground up-- something that has been so foreign and painful for me. This hair growth journey has taught me patience and humility in the most extreme ways possible. I've said it before and I'll say it again: losing my hair was way worse that undergoing a double mastectomy. That was hidden and can be concealed. Hair is such an outward sign of who you are; public for everyone to see at all times. I know people say it shouldn't "define" you, but to me, it really has.

So here's to 10 months of growth (it didn't start growing back until I finished chemo in April). Here's to funky hairstyles, faux hawks, and fun hair products. Here's to many more months & years of growth to come!

And just for laughs-- I found a picture of my new hair meme. Until now I used to think it was a Justin Bieber style, but I'm happy to report I'm feeling more like Carol Brady everyday ;)

defy the odds

When I made the decision to pursue fertility information, I literally had NO idea where to start. Until now, my trust had been 100% in my oncologist. To make a deliberate leap of faith and go against his advice has been a huge challenge for me. Once I was able to separate my emotions from my diagnosis, I methodically decided to move forward on my own.

Ironically enough it was Twitter that provided me with a path to start on. I follow many breast cancer organizations and research groups on Twitter. One of them posted about the new Basser Research Center in Pennsylvania. It is the first & only BRCA1/2 research center in the United States and just opened this fall. I could not believe it -- a research center just for my specific problem. If nothing else, it gave me HOPE for my daughter's future {as we will not know for many years to come if she is a carrier of my same mutation}. I decided to go out on a limb and email the executive director. I gave her the cliff-notes version of my case and asked for some {any} fertility advice. I didn't really expect her to reply, but felt better knowing I'd shared my story with someone who has the ability to make a difference & help others like me. Much to my amazement, she replied:

"Anne,

Thank you for your email.

I am out at a conference, but will call you by the end of the week. Neither your breast cancer diagnosis nor your BRCA2 status alone is a contraindication for future pregnancy."

I must've spent a good 10 minutes just staring at that email in complete disbelief. Was this really happening?! A nationally renowned expert in my specific case was telling me not to be discouraged. Well she kept her word and called me the very next day. After a 30-minute long conversation, her final words to me were emphatically "You WILL have another baby". I thanked her profusely for her time, hung up, and collapsed into a pile of sobs. It was such a relief to release those tears; bitterness, confusion, and hurt that had built up over the past year. I could not believe what I had just heard-- finally, a ray of HOPE! Someone giving me good news. Not just anyone, the expert with intense knowledge in the subject. To me she was a guardian angel sent by God.

Her advice to me was to seek out a second opinion from a colleague of hers that she trusted. She told me that when she got my email while at the conference , she then stepped into an elevator and ran into this colleague she had in mind to refer me to. She proceeded to tell him about my email and said she'd be sending me his way. Is that not at God thing?! I don't think it's a coincidence. So I met with this other oncologist at UT Southwestern in Dallas. He echoed in her same sentiments that it would probably be okay to attempt a pregnancy after at least 2 years. His words to me were "Well no one wants to get breast cancer, but if you're going to get it, you had the best case scenario". Again, more hope. 

In addition, my gynecological oncologist admitted to me she could not give me any answers regarding fertility {as it is not her expertise}. She agreed to put in a call to an OBGYN at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Hospital in New York. His expertise is women with the BRCA mutation & pregnancy. She presented my case to him and his advice was to wait 2 years, but that I was probably ok to carry a pregnancy. His recommendation was to meet with an RE to discuss the best way to attempt to get pregnant.

This led to a consultation with a reproductive endocrinologist to look into my current fertility situation after having been through chemo. Apparently my body is nothing short of a medical miracle because after every test was run and every procedure done, I am in complete working order to get pregnant. Everything is working just fine!

So the bottom line is: it's not a question of CAN I get pregnant, I can. It is more a concern of taking the {unknown} risk of carrying a pregnancy and what that could mean for a future recurrence of cancer. Unfortunately that is where I fall into a gray area-- there is little to no research for my circumstances. 

That's where faith steps in and takes over:

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

-Hebrews 11:1 

Month 9: Hope

"One of the secrets of life is to make stepping stones out of stumbling blocks" -- Jack Penn

The past month has been a very eye-opening one. I had a random stranger contact me, via a mutual friend, because she was 29 yrs old and had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. She'd been led to my blog and was reading up on all that she'd need to know. I cried while reading her email to me, and all I could say in my head was "Thank you, God". Thank you for bringing her to me. Thank you for showing me that this is what my journey was all about -- helping others through their own battle. She's no longer a random stranger, she's a new sister to me, and I am so blessed to be able to give her hope her through her journey.

About this time last year I was told that I could not preserve my fertility and I should not ever try for another pregnancy. At that time I was running on adrenaline and fumes and had no decision making abilities left in my head or heart. So I just went with the flow. Well now that that battle has been won and is long over, I am now focusing on overcoming another obstacle: having another baby. If you know me, you know how persistent I am; I don't take no for an answer. I have spent the past few months researching, educating myself, and reaching out to experts/specialists/doctors to seek advice for my future. I have received A LOT of positive information and encouragement. Hope that I can - and hopefully will - someday have another child of my own. It is actually less risky that what was originally presented to me; however there is definitely still a small risk in becoming pregnant. But I have renewed hope in this process through all that I have learned. I truly believe that God is now leading me faithfully through another journey so that I may continue to trust in Him and His plan. I have no idea what the end of this will look like, but I know that He will guide us through it just like He has once before.

And of course I have to update my hair -- 9 months post chemo. It is now finally long enough to highlight (with foil!) Trivial, I know. But exciting to me nonetheless! It is starting to look more like an intentional haircut - albeit a "mini bob", but it is definitely feeling more & more normal to me!

And just to top this month off, I love the fortune from my fortune cookie tonight. It pretty much sums up what my {new} journey is all about. I refuse to back down until every door is otherwise shut! I will keep fighting!