it's go time

Well tomorrow is the big day. Surgery. Hospital arrival time is 5:45am so it's going to be an early day, and for that I am thankful. I think God knows I can't handle any more waiting and He wants me to be the first case of the day to limit my anxiety ;)

The plan is for surgery to start about 8am. They say it will take anywhere from 6-8hrs.  If you're my friend on Facebook, keep checking my page because Andy will be updating while I'm in surgery & after. {If you're not my friend on Facebook, find someone who is. J/K! I'll have him update the blog eventually too!}

Some specific prayer requests:

• pray for peace for my anxiety. I'm submitting this all to the Lord for Him to take care of EVERYTHING.
• pray for my Doctors and their wisdom 
• pray that the cancer has not spread to my lymph nodes. This is the most important factor in the surgery and will determine what stage it is and what further specific treatments I will need. We are praying it is NOT in any lymph nodes and they're all clear. 
• finally, please please for my mom. She is coincidentally also having a lengthy surgery tomorrow, on her back. I'm sad she can't be here with me but we're hoping she has a smooth surgery too.

Thank you so much for all of the love, prayers, concerns, phone calls, and emails. I've never felt so uplifted in my life.  Keep the prayers coming, we can definitely feel them! I love you all and I can't wait to update my blog as CANCER FREE!!

It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect.

2Samuel 22:33

heartbroken.

It's taken me a few days to process this news to be able to write openly about it. Heartbroken feels like an understament for how I feel; in fact I'm not sure there is a word that can accurately depict my emotions.

My oncologist has decided that it is unsafe and too risky to perform the egg retrieval. This was our one and only hope at having another biological child. Due to the hormone medication I'd have to take for the procedure, it could potentially fuel any remaining cancer cells left after surgery. He says it would be like playing with fire and is just not a wise or safe choice. We knew this was a possibility going into this but hearing the final decision was not easy to process. In a lot of ways I feel like it is harder to comprehend than the cancer diagnosis itself. The cancer is temporary; it will be removed in less than a week. My body will be cleared of it and I will overcome. But not being able to have another child of my own is a very permanent circumstance.

I always pictured myself as a mom to many children; we would go back and forth about whether we'd have 2 or 3. I fantasized about having our daughter holding her newborn brother or sister. I have thought about ways to foster sibling relationships and how much fun family vacations would be. I see our friends with their children interacting & loving on each other daily. All of this is now so difficult to swallow and I will never understand why things played out this way. I think that by far the hardest thing in life is having to submit to God's will, especially when it is not what you at all expected or were prepared for. What a humbling experience He is guiding me through.

The silver lining in all of this is the sweet baby girl that God has already blessed us with.  She needs her mama to be healthy for years to come; I don't want to jeopardize my health in any way for her future. She is my everything and is a beautiful & perfect distraction from the pain of this battle. I love her with ever fiber of my being and getting to be her mommy is the biggest blessing I have ever received. So amongst the heartache of this journey I will choose joy, because that is what she brings me.

We may look into pursuing adoption later on; who knows what the future could bring. Right now we are going to focus on my fight and getting well. God has already shown us He is in control of all of this and we feel confident that He will continue to bless us in unimaginable ways.

"Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name"

a new year

I realize the New Year is a few weeks away, but my new year starts today. Today I turn 29 and say GOODBYE to 28. What a terrible, horrible, no good very bad year: infertility, deployment, the loss of a baby, cancer diagnosis. I'm ready to close the book on 28 and I'm thankful it's over. 29 isn't promising to be super 'fun' either -- it'll be an entire year of battles, but I'm ready to fight them head-on.

My dear friend Emily gave me this as a birthday present today, and it couldn't be more spot on. Thank you Emily, I appreciate your love & friendship more than you could ever imagine; you always seem to know just how to meet me where I am in my faith at any given moment!

*So maybe I am still working on the last part about laughing without fear. But I'll get there!

before the storm

Today when I walked past my refrigerator I noticed that I had not updated our family calendar since October. It's now mid-December...woops!

There's a reason I haven't updated it; I was extremely busy & stressed. It's ironic that I unintentionally skipped the entire month of November -- it was the worst month of my life.

But here's to October, the last awesome month we had before this storm hit. I like that it's still there as a reminder of good times. If I could go back to that month and live in it forever, I would. But now I look forward to NEXT October, when I can say that I survived an entire year in this storm, and beat it.

Your beginnings will seem humble, 

so prosperous will your future be. 

Job 8:7

check your tatas!

Let's just get this out there -- self breast exams are not fun; they're creepy and uncomfortable. Who does those anyways? Why would I need to do that? I'm so young!

I'll be the first to admit: I never did these. Ever. I ignorantly thought that because there is no cancer history in my family and I'm under 40 {heck, still under 30!} that I was immune to this.

How did I discover my lump? I accidentally found it myself in the shower. By the grace of God. I brought it up to my OB and had him check it. Because I was actively trying to get pregnant, he decided to follow up on it and have it ultrasounded. He also sympathetically said "Anne, I'm sure it's nothing. Probably just a cyst". The radiologist's report came back "Solid mass, suspicious, follow up with biopsy".

So away to the breast specialist I went. He also told me "This doesn't look like cancer to me, if I thought it was, I'd tell you. But it has an odd shape, let's biopsy it just to be sure". Well I'm here to tell you that after 2 different doctors told me I'd be fine, and it was nothing -- it WAS something: a 7x9mm cancerous tumor.

Women need to be their own best advocate when it comes to their health. If you think something is weird and aren't sure about it, follow up! Have it checked out. Don't let anyone tell you that you're too young. It's better to be safe than sorry.
 

Here are a few excellent resources about self breast exams:

• BreastCancer.org
• SusanGKomen
• Be Bright Pink

So many of you have asked about this process, how I discovered it, how I was diagnosed, etc. Please keep those questions coming; I don't mind answering them at all. This is such a "taboo" topic to discuss but the more we know, the more empowered we are!

bad news & good news

Wow .. what a whirlwind week. I've had 8 doctors appointments in the past 10 days. We've received a lot of news, mostly good, but some bad. Here's the huge update everyone's been waiting for:


Let's just get the bad news out of the way first, because I want to get it out and not dwell on it. When I was diagnosed, my breast doctor gave me the genetic tests for the BRCA1&2 mutations. These are the highly genetic mutations that are linked to breast and ovarian cancers. Unfortunately I am positive for the BRCA2 gene. What does this mean? First & foremost it solidifies my decision to have a bilateral mastectomy. That ensures that my possible reoccurrence will be as low as possible. I feel even better about making that decision now. In addition, I am now also at a higher risk for ovarian cancer and can choose to have a surgery to have my ovaries removed in a few years.  Unfortunately now my daughter has a 50% chance of having this gene as well; she will need to be closely monitored & checked when she is of childbearing age. As much of a downer as it is, I'm glad that we know about this and she will be monitored. 


Ok, so on to the good news!

• My MRI was clear -- they did not see any other masses in either breast. Whew.
• I met with my plastic surgeon and I really like HER. I'm glad she is a woman and will be handling my reconstruction. Don't get me wrong - I love my male doctors but I'm glad someone who understands a woman's body will be handling such a delicate task!
• I finally got my surgery scheduled; it will be Dec 28. It is later than we originally thought, but it is because my plastic surgeon and breast surgeon are having to work out their separate schedules to accomdate me and operate at the same time. I'll have the mastectomy & reconstruction done all in 1 surgery.

And the best news of all comes in the form of an amazing fertility clinic in Dallas. This clinic offers a program called Fertility Rescue. It is free egg harvesting for young cancer patients wanting to preserve their fertility. Due to the chemo I will be receiving, it will most likely damage my eggs. By harvesting my eggs before I start chemo, it will allow us a way to have children in the future. The process is much like IVF and the costs are very expensive. The Sher Clinic offers the entire process for FREE, yes I said free. It's almost too good to be true! We're now in a race against time to get this process done before I start chemo. Unfortunately after chemo, I will have to take an estrogen blocking drug for 5 years, during which I cannot get pregnant. So our options will be to wait those 5 years, thaw our eggs and do IVF, or use a surrogate before the 5 years is up. Whatever we end up doing, I am just so incredibly thankful for this opportunity. I had my first consult with them today and it went very well. I was so happy sitting in that Dr's office that I had tears in my eyes; what an amazing gift they offer someone in such a dire situation.
*The best news out of all of this is that they will be able to test my eggs for the BRCA2 gene and they will NOT use any eggs that have it! Praise the Lord!


"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
*This verse will forever remind me of Eric Schmidt, who I know is cheering me on from Heaven.

He is in control

I have really struggled with whether or not to make this part of my story 'public knowledge'. The more I've thought & prayed about it, the more I've felt the need to share it because it is now part of my faith & testimony. Albeit very personal and saddening, it is a pivotal way in which God has showed me that He is indeed in control, He will carry me through this.


November 11 was supposed to be a joyous day. I was nervous with anticipation of our first ultrasound for our 2nd baby. We'd hoped for and prayed for this baby, and after a year of trying, we were ecstatic at the news of its impending arrival. To make things even more exciting, my OB speculated that he thought it was twins, which is why we were having an early ultrasound. 

Unfortunately that ultrasound did not provide us with good news; they were unable to detect a baby. My Dr was not in the office, so I was sent for bloodwork and sent home, being told my Dr would call me later. Shocked, saddened and dismayed, we waited for some news and clung to what little hope we had left. Later that afternoon we were told my Dr wanted me to come back in for another ultrasound, he wanted to check for himself. During that ultrasound, things took a turn for the worst. He did in fact find the baby, in my fallopian tube, and I was bleeding internally. I was rushed into emergency surgery and my Dr literally saved my life. I was having no symptoms of an ectopic pregnancy or internal bleeding. God was working through my sweet Dr who felt the need to have me come back and be checked. Had he not called me back into his office, things could've ended very differently.


I remember very clearly lying in the hospital that night, crying and being so angry at God. How could he let this happen? We'd tried for so long for this precious baby, why was it taken away from us? I was bitter and devastated because I didn't understand.


2 weeks later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I now know why God had to take our baby. Suddenly the anger that I felt subsided and the fog cleared. It was all so apparent to me now that he had my best interest at hand. Being pregnant and fighting cancer would not have been an easy road to face. God definitely knew what he was doing, even when I didn't. Even though I hate that our sweet baby had to be sacrificed for this awful disease, I am comforted in knowing that I have a precious guardian angel rooting for me in Heaven. I will win this fight for our baby; it was not lost in vain. 


That Sunday at church, my favorite worship song was sung. It's like God was reinforcing any doubt I had and telling me "It's all going to be ok, Anne, I've got this" 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

what cancer cannot do

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot corrode faith.

It cannot eat away peace.

It cannot destroy confidence.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot shut out memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It cannot reduce eternal life.

It cannot quench the Spirit

thank you

We have been overwhelmed (in the best way possible) by all of the love & support that's come our way. This is just the beginning of a very long journey and we truly appreciate everyone that has committed to praying for us along the way.

Here is what we know now, and what direction we're going in ...

The "good" news is that my tumor is one of the least aggressive types. This was the best possible scenario for us to hear and gives us a lot of hope/comfort. My oncologist even gave me a smiley face on the notes he was writing down for us -- saying I have good tumor biology. Who knew?! He explained that most young women diagnosed with breast cancer have a very aggressive tumor. For once, I am relieved to be the medical anomaly!

Type : Invasive Ductal Carcinoma -- means the cancer cells inside of a milk duct has broken out and spread to nearby tissues. 50-75% of breast cancer patients are diagnosed with ductal carcinoma, so I have the most common type.

Grade: Mine is a grade 2 out of 3. "intermediate". Tumor grade relates to the structure of the cells and is different from tumor stage. In general, the more the cancer cells look like normal breast cells, the lower the grade and the better the prognosis.

Stage: They do not know this yet and won't know until surgery. It goes along with how far it's spread, if it's in the lymph nodes or not. At this point, my doctors do not have a reason to believe it's in the lymph nodes or spreading.

Ultimately the final outcome will be a double mastectomy with reconstruction. Only 5% of breast cancer patients are under the age of 40; being under 30 makes the risk of recurrence unknown. Reducing future risk by having the radical surgery will help ensure I get to live a long life. Surgery will sometime in the next few weeks. I will then begin chemo a few weeks after surgery. We are not sure on the specific chemo plan yet, but they suggested an aggressive treatment because I am so young; most likely 4 months or so.

How are we doing with all this? Once the initial shock subsided, we have found comfort & peace in having a plan. We know that God is walking with us the entire way; He's in control and He'll keep us safe. We firmly believe we'll come out on the other side of this as better disciples of His love. I refuse to let this diagnosis define me; it is not who I am, it is something I'm going through and will overcome!

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10