Well, as it turns out, I'm not the
best blogger since it's already been two weeks since I last posted. But I guess
time flies when you're having fun. I thought I'd give everyone some
details about my days here and my duties as an intern. I'm living in the guesthouse
at Back2Back ministries with the Fudge family (the on-site directors) and the
Munafo family (the new site directors). I'm rooming with Allie, the other
intern, and Courteney, the Munafo's nanny. We have a mission trip team
come down every other week. When a team comes down, our week is spent helping
the Fudges host the team and facilitate their projects. When we have a gap week
our time is spent helping with odd jobs, teaching English, connecting with kids
in the partnered children's homes, and helping with support groups with the
kids in the children's homes. The first team came down a few days after I
arrived. We did a VBS, built shelves, and poured concrete for a potential
partner. We also prepared the home for another missionary family that is
arriving Monday. This week my duties revolved around teaching English,
helping the new staff family settle in, and connecting in deeper ways with the
kids our partner children's homes. I enjoy connecting with the teams, but my
favorite part of this internship my time working with the kids in the children's
homes. I have been learning so much.
To be honest, the past 2 weeks have
been full of ups and downs and contradictions. There have been days of
difficulty and extreme exhaustion and there have been days of strengthening and
deep fullness.
But most days are an odd mixture of both.
The struggle and beauty of the past 2 weeks
has grown me in such lasting ways. The word that sums up my learning so far is
ABLE. God's been showing me in much deeper and more tangible ways that I'm NOT
ABLEBut most days are an odd mixture of both.
But that He is "ABLE to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Eph 3:20).
Living with these two missionary
families, Allie the intern, and Courteney the nanny has proved to be one of the
biggest blessings and one of the biggest teaching tools God has given me. I
went to Haiti expecting to be changed by the relationships I formed with the
children I'd be working with. And trust me, I have been. But the individuals
I've been living and working and serving God with have had such a deep impact
on me.
For starters, my two roommates are
simply wonderful. Our friendship flows naturally and is being forged strongly
and deeply from working together, talking together, studying the Bible
together, eating together, breathing the same hot, Haitian air together… day in
and day out. I didn't expect to gain two such good friends from my time here in
Haiti, but God keeps proving to be ABLE and excited to do more than I can ask
for or even imagine.
Doing life with the two families that
live their life for God so beautifully and uniquely has also taught me so much.
As a young, inexperienced college girl dreaming of a future on the mission
field, watching the ins and outs of a missionary family's everyday life is both
beneficial and sobering. Living overseas with my family, I experienced the sacrifices
made on the mission field. But before, living overseas was a glorious
adventure, a dream come true. And Yes, I am still a dreamer and my heart
beats just as strongly for this call. But now, for some reason, I see
it all in a new light. I guess it goes back to the sacrifice I was talking
about in my last blog post. I see the sacrifices these two beloved families
have made, and are making everyday.
And I see myself in their shoes. Now my dream is now not just a daydream, but a call that is being refined by the roughness and all-sufficient grace of learning that I'm not ABLE.
As I sit and ask a million questions, the Fudges and Munafos are gracious enough to share their wisdom and stories without leaving out the hard spots. They are open and real and brutally honest about their journeys. But this honesty has served to be one of my most treasured gifts. As I sit and listen, I realize once again, that I'm so incapable, so inexperienced.
Just not ABLE.
I see these families sacrifice and
serve in ways I know I am not selfless enough to imitate. I lay down on my bed after a long day of pouring concrete and know I'm not physically able.
I see my own character flaws and lack of skill.
I see the pain and struggle of the kids in the children's home.
I see the pain and dysfunction of families living in this neighborhood.
I see the enormous gap between brokenness and wholeness, between heaven and earth.
And I know that I'm not ABLE.
The call in my heart is to DO
something about all the brokenness I see. I want to be God's agent of healing
and wholeness.
I want to see Heaven on Earth.But that's just the thing.
I cannot do anything about all this brokenness.
I can pray the prayers and take these blind leaps in the dark and trust that these seeds I'm planting will produce a harvest of righteousness.
But God already did something.
He already won.Jesus is heaven on earth.
And He is revealing the face of heaven to us in every little thing.
On my worst days, when I'm just sick and tired of pouring out and not seeing any results.
Not seeing the wholeness I long for.
God is faithful in reminding me that I am not ABLE.
It's not my job to be God.
Not my job to fix or heal.
It's my job to be another vessel through which God reveals his heart to his people.
Another way God draws his children to himself.
James 4:14 says that my life is but
"a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes."
For a long time I never understood
verses like this. I thought of myself as God's masterpiece. His beloved child. And I
know that I am all of those things. But after reading Francis Chan's explanation of this verse and
it has taken on new meaning. Like the mist, I have no power of my own.
I am not ABLE to change anything on my own.
But through God's Spirit inside me, I am ABLE to give this mist of a life wholly to Jesus.
Jesus is the wind, the Holy Spirit breath that blows this mist where He wants it.
God's Spirit in me makes this mist into a fragrance.
So on this earth, I am ABLE to bear the fragrance of heaven to all who are near me.
I’m learning that being a vessel of Jesus' heart, being an agent, a tool, being his mist, his fragrance means that I am content with being UNABLE, that I am content with my own weakness.
Because I am not God. I am not the force of healing. I am not the breath of life.
I exist to display Jesus, his glory, his power, his victory, his beauty, his gentleness, his heart.
When I am weak, when I am bowed on my knees, when I am a cracked and chipped vessel for God's Spirit, it is then that God's power is made even more evident in me.
When I am not ABLE, it is then that he
shows me all the more that He is ABLE.
2 Cor 12:9-10
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, SO THAT the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, SO THAT the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
“For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us."
