Dear Belle,

Don't be silly again. He is not serious to you. You are not in his mind, he just treats you as a toy that he can play it if he feel bored. He just playing with you, and he won't do anything for you even spending 1 hour time for you.

Don't be silly again, you know it clear, you can judge it by common sense. Even a kid knows that he never cherish you and never care about you.

Stop that Belle. Forget about him and not hurting yourself anymore. That's enough........

Be smart, be rational and behave yourself. Stop stupid, clear your mind and get back yourself.

Another 2 months since we contacted again.

Its an excuse to buy time for each other from the iPod.

We both deceiving ourselves, particularly me.

The logic is clear, 4 people hurts in a relationship.

All win in long run if it break, or 1 hurt........

The answer is clear.

But the problem is "when", when and how can it clearly cut and no more confuse.

To say goodbye to someone you love is never easy, particularly forever.

And who know if its forever? And the difference between the 1st goodbye and the 20th goodbye?

God, please give me guildline and direction for how to go. Please give me power for how to live.

Please.

God, can you hear? Why don't you give me feedback, I asked you so many times all these years. Why?

Here is the things to focus:

1. Keep positive mind / thinking.
2. Keep positive energy.
3. Keep the positive spirit.
4. Keep the momentum.
5. Don'g give up.
6. Be tough.
7. Keep improving yourself everyday.
8. Keep learning new things everyday.
   

Find some course to study for Saturday.

• Finance
• Yoga
• ?????

Keep Up!

"A Year Since Ending"
A very good post by somebody called Loulabelle.

It’s a year tomorrow that I ended my relationship with xxxxxxMM.

A year to the day that after months of umming and ahhing about what we should do, months of getting sad together at the thought of our relationship ending we decided to go our separate ways. A year since he started to think he needed to see if his marriage was what he wanted, to give 100% to it, so he'd know for sure what he wanted (ie he wasn't leaving). A year ago that I worked out he was a gutless wuss, who would have sat on the fence as long as I let him (even after his epiphany of needing to work on his marriage, why oh why did I have to end it ) A year ago that I walked away from the one I loved, so he could make his marriage work. A year since I set us both free to see if we could happy without each other.

Wow. A year since my world fell apart and I got off the rollercoaster of my affair.

So what have I learnt in that year

1. You cannot die from crying, if you could I would be dead

2. You can survive on diet coke, wine and cigarettes for at least 2 weeks.

3. Your hair really only needs washing once a week. It must be shampoo companies that lead us to believe it needs washing every day

4. Your friends don't care that you look like a raccoon/panda, they will still love you even if the only word you can say is brbbbplmn. But seriously the stuff that I found out that helped me through all the crap things that happened after ending

5. That one last phonecall to MM is not necessary, you or him don't say anything different in the 15th last phone call to the first last one.

6. As long as you are honest with him that you do love him, you would have a relationship with him if he wasn’t married, about what circumstances he can contact you (eg own house, wife knows they are separated and divorcing) then you don't need that one last phone call/SMS/email to remind him that he can find you if he's single.

7. If you can get past 3 weeks without contacting him you are well on the road to not contacting him again.

8. A relationship can end with OK feelings for each other, wanting to kill them is optional.

9. Not all MMs are assholes, some are genuinely confused but that doesn’t mean you’ll end up with them.

10. I am strong enough to live without him, I did it before and I am doing it after

11. Time does heal, and not having contact speeds up healing.

12. Life goes on for you too.

13. People that have been there before eg TOWers know what they are talking about even if the truth they speak hurts

14. His W finding out is not a guarantee that she will kick him out, if anything it makes him try harder to work on his marriage. Male ego perhaps

15. If someone is sending you smses anonymously, the best way to make it stop is mention the police

16. When you say NC, stick to it. Dignity rocks

17. I will always love him, but I love me more. His greatest gift was not contacting me when he knew he couldn’t give me what I needed. How can I hate him for giving me what I needed.

18. You can trust again, you will love again, your life is not over.

19. I am the amazing, fabulous person I was before I met him. The only part of me he has is a memory of me. He took nothing from me that I couldn’t get back.

20. Honesty is the best policy, even if it hurts. I will never hold back or settle just to keep the peace.

21. NC is about your healing, not hurting him. it has to be about you.

22. Baby steps are still steps forward.

A year ago, every day seemed like an eternity, but now that it’s been a year, it seems like just yesterday I made the hardest but best decision of my life to date. I feel free, and like myself again.....almost. I can be happy without him, and him without me.

Thank you all for your fantastic words. For the first few months I only read here. Never posted. I was too sad and lost in my own messiness. But by reading here my thoughts became so much clearer and I realised my R with MM was so similair to others, I had always thought it to be special and different to all other affairs.

And now that I feel I am reaching a time where I am I might take a break from TOW, to really move on from my relationship with MM, to put him firmly where he belongs, in my past, and stand on my own two feet without my security that TOW has become, I wonder how I would’ve made it through those first few months without TOW. I wonder if I would've made it.

To you all

[ October 21, 2007, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Loulabelle ]

I always think that I am an "extra person" in this relationship. I am nothing, my existence mean nothing to him. Or, he (they) will be better without me. That means if I can really disappear will be good for them for sure.

One day, when I disappeared, everyone in this relationship will be better off.

You will be more happy and less trouble because of my existence. Trust me, you will be better.

It seems that the story between us is not new.

Always, I can see the same story happened in the TV.

A girl in love with a man, then discover the man married.

The man trying to keep the 2 relationships, and hiding facts to both women.

In reality, I see a lot of affairs like this.

This afternoon, again see the TV programme saying that the girl involved in relationship with a married man. She innocently believe that the man divorced. Consenquently, the man's wife discovered what had happened, and find the girl, trying to negotiate with her and blame her for destroying her family.

The girl facing a lot of pressure from her family, the man's wife, the neighbours, collegues and herself. Everybody blaming her for doing bad things, destroying others family........

In fact, every man saying same excuse (nonsense) when he like another woman, I learnt it from the TV, from Joseph and Mr. T. No difference at all. What they say is the excuse that they have problems with their wives, they have no feeling at all.........almost same script.

But why they have family problem, and that they can do whatever they like because they have problems with their wives? And that they don't have consider others? The girl and their family.

Is that means that they have troubles with their wives, that they can have right to have both women? Is that make sense?

Luckily, this bad woman is not living in the same place with him, or she will be blamed by his wife or his neighbour.

Anyway, still I believe we are not in that stage, never recognised each other. Plus, I still calling myself "single".

Here is my funny dream last night:

I met him. We went to Macau to see the race of "Formula One. He contest area is surrounded by the beach.

We walked around, and he held my hands. We chatted happily. I told him that I used to go there with a friend (Falling) who approached me before and who intended to held my hand and rejected by me at that time (that's the true what had happened before).

Then the scene changed. We stayed somewhere, maybe a hotel or a house. Then the next morning, I tried to make breakfast for him, I tried to make egg with tomato when he was sleeping. After broken the egg, I wonder if I can make some other food. Then I went out and tried to buy some other ingredient to make a better breadfast for him.

I walked very fast, went to the supermarket and different place, and excited (nervious) about what to cook. And wondering if boiling congee with mushroom or buy some friend noodles so that he could eat instantly after wake up and before the congree cooked......So sweet.......

A very sweet dream to make, and I don't want to be awake, and hope it can keep seeing him in the dream.

Actually, in reality, I always hope I can boil soup for him, so that he can have a better health. Boiling soup, doing massage , or doing something for someone you love is a very sweet things to me....

But it's all dreamthat will never happen.........So stupid.

Exams finally completed. But didn't perform well, particulary Business Economics today. Here are my problem during the exam:

1. Poor Time Allocation - I used 15 minutes to study and select the question. Then the first question consumed 75 minutes, more than an hour.


2. Too nervous - Too panic seeing the questions with calculation, then scare again, can't keep calm, and skip the question when seeing those figures.


3. Wasted 15 minutes on the wrong questions - the calculation of elasticity. Confused in the middle, then cross out the answer and selected the other questions. Wasted time without contribution here.


4. Again too (more) nervous after what had happened in (1) to (3), confused and don't answer well.

End up, I didn't perform well in the exam, may be it's the worst one comparing to marketing and Finance & Accounting.

It's more worry after the exam finished than before........

Can I apply "Bygones are bygones" at this moment?

Depressed after the exam, and the most happiest moment today was receiving his call from Hanoi.

Miss him.

Tomorrow, Int. Business Economics, the last exam finally.

Ganbade! Ganbade! Ganbade! Ganbade! Ganbade!

Study Hard! Don't Give Up!

The same day 5 years ago, we first met in Shanghai. I woke up late, check in to the seminar late without breakfast. Many people in the seminar hall, I was wondering if I should sit at the side column or in the middle. Went to the side column, then middle, and finally the side, since I didn't want to be "too obvious", and just wanted to hide myself, so that I could be more relax.

I selected the seat next to a young man, who seemed "normal" comparing to those typical local mainland Chinese, then my life in these 5 years changed, and I changed, which never expected.

Always wonder if its planned by something i.e God or an accident. Why the story is so strange and that I always feel like being linked with him?

Still, thousands of question mark??????? between us, to him, and the future. One thing that can be assured is I really love him, very much.

God, tell me what should I do? Can you give me a clear answer?

I love you, Tetsuo. So love.....

Why you??? Why me???

Stupid Bel

Get headache since 4 p.m, till now, 5 hours already. Took panadole, antifast an hour ago, still pain.

How can I start the study of F&A tonight?

Tips from Dr. Bill Ryan:

1) Financial Ratio

- Performance

- Liquidity

- Gearing

2) Cash Flow Statement -----> Give Up

3) Investment Apprasial

- PP
- NPV
- ARR???

4) Contribution Analysis

5) ABC

6) Flexible Budget

7) ????

8)????

Tomorrow:

1) Study Gary's Leungs notes - Speed Read

2) Text Book - Ratio, flexible budget, investment apprasial, contribution (if possible)

3) 2006 & 2007 past papers.

Sleep.

Spent whole night studying the past exam papers of Finance and Account, and feel headache. Really wanna die! So many terms, calculation there, and how come all questions are so long, some even 2 pages for a question. After reading the question and selected, sorry, TIMES UP! Plus, all questions are so difficult, so scary. Will die after the exam for sure! Hate Finace and Account, very very much!!! Hate the long questions, so much algebra, and 1 compulsory question for the part of calculation, so much ratio, present value, cash flow statement, WACC, EVA...........etc, all I don't know what you are talking about!!!!

Fail for sure.

Sigh.........so scare, and heat still beating fast.

Going to be crazy!

God, at the time of 3:00a.m in the morning, I am doing the download work for the songs of his favourite singers - Jastine Timberlake and Neyo. It totally consumed 5 hours tonight, which I can't study the marketing textbook for the coming exam.

It's so time consuming to download from the web, doing the routine and stupid work, which you don't have to use your mind, but time and energy, which a 12 years old kid can handle it.

The point is I starting thinking that at the time I doing the stupid work for him, he is sleeping and having dream. And his wife sleeping next to him.

God, what am I doing? Why so stupid? Exam is coming, but still scarific the study time, and finding songs for him? Which he never appreciate and understand how much effort had I made for him for all these iPod stuff. And together with those 400 hundred songs earlier.

I am asking myself why in this relationship I am the only to give? Why still involved in this one way relationship? Am I deserved for that? Before, these kind of stupid things supposed is doing by my ex, he never recognised me, have a family, a wife and a kid, why again and again, keep doing things for him?

Actually its not serious issue for finding the songs, that I can't even get emotional like this. But the fact is I am angrying with myself, not him. Why still care about him? The other way round, I am nothing to him, he don't even remember me in the day time and after work with his family.

Yes, I really hate myself for lose all my mind. You deserve for that, no use anymore!

Anyway, good night. Sorry, its not your problem at all, since you never understand how time consuming is (cause you never tried by yourself), its my problem, emotional problem. sorry.

Good night and have a sweet dream, love you.

Read the old diary (the handwriting) last night. I didn't write much in the last couples years. Everytime, mainly about him, or what had happened between us when we seen each other. The founding is, we always argue.

We both have bad temper, easily get angry before. Now, seems we both change slightly. He may tired to argue. Me too, I will leave, since obviously, I am the one to go in this relationship. And there nothing for me to argue anymore, it's all my fault. Since 4 or 5 years ago, the same problems occured, I am the one who repeat and repeat the same mistake.

I deserve for that. Where are the problems from? So many. And so many question mark in my mind????????? I even wonder if he knows whats our problem? I would be so good, if I can read his mind or he can "openly", "honestly" and "directly" tell me how he think. Sadly, its a dream which will never happen...

Still, I love you.

Its also a fault to love you. Tell me what you want me to do to make you happy, and how to love you?

Today is the "Mid Autum Festival", one of the important traditional Chinese festival. As usual, all family member gather together and dine out in the restaurant. But I didn't attend and stay at home alone.

Got depressed, and don't want to see so many people and wear the smiling and exciting face. Who know what will happen tomorrow, will it be the last meal (of course and touch wood that I don't wish) that all the member can be gathered together? But I really don't want to face so many people, so noisy. What I need is again to hide myself, and to be disappeared.

Somehow, I find myself lose all the confidence. To the career, the relationship issue and to myself. Surely, I am not a good girl...., I just pretend to be smart, tough and happy. I don't want them to discover how bad and weak am I.

If someone have to go in this family, I am the one who go and leave this world.

Who know that I keep running tear by myself all these years? I, in fact is nothing........

Actually, when no arguement and his marriage being forgotten (temporiary), the time with him is comfortable and enjoyable.I like talking with him and kidding with him, match and feel comfortable.

But everytime awake, you will find that's not real like dreaming / an illusion.

Don't confuse anymore, clear clear your mind, no more confuse and don't dream!!!!

Stop that! Don't think about others husband!!! It's a dream, not real!!!!

2 days ago, an arguement with him about his family picture. He criticized that I shouldn't get his family pic from the internet, and shouldn't search his name on google.

I got angry. First I have no intention to figure out his privacy, and his family from the internet. How come I know his privacy there? It's a surprise to me too!!! If I could predict the little searching would make me unhappy and being penalized for 2 years, will I do that?????

Originally decide to let him reading my diary here, so that he could understand how I feel. But now, I changed my mind, since he may upset after knowing what I think, and get pressure. I don't want to make him upset by knowing how stupid I am. Second, I can't express freely in the diary if knowing somebody going to read my privacy. Here is somewhere to express how I feel, not to show and report to anybody. And I will feel embrassed to let others reading my diary, feel like being naked in front of others, no way.

So, I am the only one who can read this diary.

Sorry, Mr. Tetsuo.....

Here are the strategy for the coming exams:

1) Go through the past exam papers, find out the important topics and chapters.

2) Tip the hottest topics in the coming exam

3) Select 6 out of 8 topics which I get high confidence.

4) Go through the study guide, notes, and textbook for the 6 selected topics.

5) Make notes / diagrams / spidergram with key points for revision.

6) Review the past paper and test if getting enough points to answer.

7) Review the notes / diagram.

Schedules:

Date Subject Exam Date

23/9 - 29/9 Marketing 10/10

30/9 - 8/10 Finance & Accounting 9/10

11/10 - 8/10 Business Economics 19/10

Highlights:

1) Be concentrated

2) No lazy and dreaming

3) Clear mind and be smart

4) No nervious on the algebra for Finance and Accounting

5) Be Efficient

6) No wasting time on stupid things e.g TV, web browsing.....etc.

7) Be smart.

8) Work Hard!!!!

Good Luck....

Again, visiting the hospital. 2 times today.

Tony called this morning said that Dad again not feeling well and was sent to the hospital.

I went to the emergency and join Tony and Dad.

Not heart problem this time, Tony told the doctor said its "lack of moisture'.

"Lack of moisture"? How come? Maybe check with the doctor tomorrow.

Get well soon, Dad.

Tony called and told me that uncle, the elder brother of Dad passed away last night. Shocked caused I always beleve uncle's health is o.k, and few days ago I asked Mom if uncle's health is alright. Who know what is going to happen next?

The hard feeling is I worry Dad's health consequently, he may upset knowing the bad news, although the relationship between them is no good in the past years.

Discussed with Tony if Dad could attend the funeral of uncle due to his very bad health at the moment, he can't get depressed or excited. Maybe discuss with Ivy for how to handle it tomorrow, since his health with heart only get 20% function can't take any risk at the moment......

Life.....

Uncle, the flowers are for you, rest in peace.

Every time reading the notes wanna sleep, or switch to other things.

Efficiency is extremely low, only went through few past exam questions in couples of days.

So Stupid.

Sigh....Sleepy again.

Where are you? The good and industrial high school Annabel? How come you become so lazy now?

Please work hard, be serious and no more lazy!

Must plan the study schedule for the coming exams tomorrow.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Dear God,

I really don't understand if you hate me that much, why don't you take my life or offer me a final stage cancer a.s.a.p? Why you like to play me again and again, what so funny for?

Am I really disguised and deserve for what you gave me in these few months? If so, please, do take my life, kill me or assign a final stage cancer for me, so that I no longer exist in this world, o.k?

Why every bad things happen to me? Why you hate me so much?

I really don't understand. Kill me please, I don't like to live anymore.

Private - 2:47 PM

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Genuine vs Virtual

It is weired that I can never learn by mistake in this relationship, keep repeating & repeating the same fault all these 5 years, and totally lose my mind.
These days, 2 words in my mind "genuine" and "virtual".

genuine
adj
1. not fake or counterfeit;
2. not pretended; sincerely felt or expressed;

vir·tu·al
adj.
1. Existing or resulting in essence or effect though not in actual fact, form, or name.
2. Existing in the mind, especially as a product of the imagination.
3. Computer Science Created, simulated, or carried on by means of a computer or computer

network: virtual conversations in a chatroom.

I am living in a virtual life, everything by imagine.
I mean nothing to him, that's why no genuine relationship between us.

Idiot Bel

Private - 12:41 AM

Monday, September 17, 2007

Business Economics

Attended the lecturer of business economic by Dr. Catherine Liston Heyes on Saturday and Sunday. The Dr. is a very charming and nice lady. A French and Canadian mix. She presented clearly and with very well prepared materials. She taught "with heart". Unlike the lecturer of marketing last month, Catherine class is very worth to attend.

For the marketing class, I quited within 15 minutes the lecturer started. The lecturer didn't prepare anything, except the stupid agenda for the topic discuss during class, which I don't think students can get anything from her. The most stupid and meaningless class I ever attend for this MBA.

Should start and well plan the studying schedule for the 3 coming exams.

P.S. Don't ever think and have too much contact with the married man, he is other woman's husband.

Annabel Peale

Private - 3:42 PM

Friday, September 14, 2007

5 Years

I don't know how the feeling is after 5 years. Full of unhappiness, disappointment, guilty and tears in this relationship. From enthusatic, aggressive and rational to become a person lost all direction and dream. Always lose mind and confuse. Sometimes, I miss myself, the former Annabel, who lived 5 years ago.

What I get in these 5 years is a strange relationship with someone married, have a daughter and who never recognise me, and tears....

At this moment, all dreams lost, I don't even in position to dream anything in this relationship, unless " really ' dream unintentionally during sleep. Sometimes, feel guilty after real dream. when I wake up in the morning.

Sometimes feeling like a toy or an antique. Or worse than a toy, at least a toy being owned by a master. Me? He doesn't really need this toy, just play it "a while" and then put it aside, then forget about me for couples of month, then appears again, play for a while, and put it aside........again and again these years.

Why again and again making faults? And again and again can't do better and control yourself? What's wrong with you? Why don't you behave yourself and thinking someone's husband?

Stop that please, if you still have dignity. Its a sin, you wo't forgive yourself even you die.

Stop that, no more contacts, no more contact to others husband. Please.

Keep doing this if you want to be a witch!!!

Bad Annabel Peale

Private - 1:40 AM

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Exam

Exam schedule:
Date Subject
9 Oct International Finance and Accounting
10 Oct International Marketing Strategy
19 Oct International Business Economics

Work Hard!!!!!

Public - 2:08 AM

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Michael Helffrich from the states called. He told me that Joh Poersal said they are interested to work with me, and ask how I feel to their company, after meeting different people from Lutron.
It's a common question, but to me I feel shocked. Hold 5 seconds, and replied standardly and politely.....

The fact is, I have hard feeling to their strange and long process. Met 8 peoples in their company, keep calling me from the states, and Shanghai, send me ticket to Shanghai to meet / interview their staffs, doing a long caliper test.....it is really a nightmare. I told Natalie and Peggy what had happened with this company, they both queried if they are hiring a "CEO"......Jesus.
Wonder if the normal operation like their interview process which take long long time, and waste so much resources, and very inefficient. I really hate their culture, so inefficient, although people are nice (except John Poersal).

Remember when I met John Poersal in the Conrade Hotel, he asked me for the reason leaving Clestra, I told him that one of the reason is that they take very long delivery time. Then he proudly said Lutron is the same. But his attitude make me sick. He sticked on asking me what will I do if they really have the problem. Remarks, his attitude is poor and challenging me. Finally, I told him if the company know their problem, and really think their problem is acceptable, and if they are satisfy to their existing problem, then I think I can say goodbye to them.....I feel so angry that he is not a reasonable person and very impolite. And I don't expect I can work with a guy like this. Then we finish the conversation shortly.

A week later, Elibazeth from Shanghai called me asked me to meet Patrick Yam. I really wonder what kind of company Lutron is, very strange. They expect the candidate to meet every people inside their company, from bottom to top. Very crazy!

It's embrassed that Patrick Yam told me that we met before, and I can't recognise him, and asked him when. He work in Tarkett before, that means I met him 8 years ago with Danny Leung for the agency issues. And Vicky, my competitors before with Master Base for Amstrong products. The world is so small.

Anyway, let see what happened next. Mike told me that John will propose to the chairman. What's next? Maybe asked me to go to the states and mee the chairman......who know, it's a strange and abnormal company.....

Annabel Peale
Private - 2:02 AM

Monday, September 10, 2007

No class this weekend.

Tea with Peggy Sunday afternoon at the Regal Hotel.

It's comfortable to be with her, since we have similar way of thinking and similar taste.
And she is the one whom I can express myself most, even not much in reality.

And tea with Vivian on Saturday. She back from U.K again after the seperation with Ken in June, and back U.K in July by saying that she miss him, and back H.K again last week. Actually that happened 2 years ago, the same.

Wonder when is she going to tell me again that she decide to back U.K due to her Ken.

Annabel Peale

Private - 5:55 AM

Monday, September 10, 2007

Bad Days

Again, I am having hard time in my life.
Its normal, life always up and down and
full of troubles.

But when will it end in this cycle?

God am I really deserve that for everything in trouble?

Annabel Peale
Private - 5:32 AM

Saturday, September 08, 2007

Mom,

Happy Birthday!

Wish you happy and have a good health.

And full of joy everyday.

Love you always.

Bel, Yo Yo & Bon Bon

Public - 1:19 AM

Friday, September 07, 2007

So cool......

Public - 3:53 AM

Friday, September 07, 2007

Dinosaur

A collision 160 million years ago of two asteroids orbiting between Mars and Jupiter sent many big rock chunks hurtling toward Earth, including the one that zapped the dinosaurs.

That catastrophe eliminated the dinosaurs, which had flourished for about 165 million years, and many other life forms, and paved the way for mammals to dominate the Earth and the eventual rise of humankind.

The impact is thought to have triggered a worldwide environmental cataclysm, expelling vast quantities of rock and dust into the sky, unleashing giant tsunamis, sparking global wildfires and leaving Earth shrouded in darkness for years.

Since then, no more dinosaur.

Public - 3:41 AM

Friday, September 07, 2007

Life

Believe many people have thought about suicide, I, without exception.

Always, particulary these few years, since mid 2004, that time I even decide the date to kill myself.

These day, have the same feeling again, but I won't. Since I haven't finished my responsibility to live.

My responsibility is to be responsible to mom, Yo Yo and Bon Bon. I don't want mom to upset knowing that I suicide. I can imagine how hurt she will according to how she reacted before to Chi Shing's, my brothers death long time ago. I have responsibility to look after her.

For Yo and Bon, I am the one who bring them to this home, I should give them care and happiness.

I always think, if mom, Yo and Bon leave this world, I finish my work, and can leave as well. I hope I can follow, hopefully a.s.a.p, the next day I can go after they left this world.

It has no point to stay here in this world. What is it for? It may be a very big penalty for me to live here in this world, so many unhappiness and disappointment.

It will be so good, if one day I can leave this world during sleep, and next morning, no more new question.

What about if I can be a flower in the next life? No feeling, and don't even need to think. So cool.

Private - 12:03 AM

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Met Jan today when the way home, chatted with her for a while.

Haven't seen her for long long time, since graduated. So happy to see her again.

There's 4 years we used to be so closed, particulary in high school. She sat next to me, very silence. Very comfortable with her, unlike Jomand, Pat and Vivien, Jan is very silence, but with humour. I like to be with her, studied with her. We didn't speak much, we are not that talkative, but feeling good. A good school memory.

We exchanged phone no., and plan to have dinner next week. Told Vivien afterward, she seems unwilling to join but saying that she haven't met her for long time. Me too. But sometime, meeting old friends good, at least we used to grow up together, and have some good memory before.

Cheris called this morning. She starts her F&A assignment finally, but during work, in the office (my god, she always like this). She inform me that Wanyi advise us not to take "Asia Pacific Strategy"..........., but I registered already. Maybe tomorrow check with Samuel Chu if I can change other subject "Leadership".

Wanyi suspended the modules this semester. She took 4 subjects, Cheris 4 + 1 for this semster, I took 2 + 3 for this semester, that means we are in the same pace if I pass the exams this semester. Hope we can meet and graduate together. I don't want to be lagging behind, so stupid. And all fellows are going to be graducated this semester.

Keep Up!

Annabel Peale

Private - 10:58 PM

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

In fact, we never understand how each other feel.

I prefer to be more simple, direct and honest.

If he is single, not yet married, I could be more direct and to express more. But the situation not allow me to do so, I got to control myself and suppressed all my feeling.

I am not allowed to talk, to expess myself and to be close with a married man.
My forehead is chopped by a word "UNQUALIFIED".

Unqualified Annabel Peale

Private - 2:35 AM

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

He is suffered from Anal Fistula. Wonder why his health is not so good in these 2 years. Had operation last year and this year respectively, and always got flu. But he likes to be strong and look healthy, never accept my care. Or he don't need me to care about him. Anyway, wish him get well soon, and truely have a good health.

Last year after heard that he lives with his wife, I decided to disappear and stop the contacts with him. Once, during the way home, I thought, I never set any criteria for someone I love before, but now I need to set it as: A person honest to me. He don't have to tell me his past if he don't like, but he has to be honest to me for his "present". It is my only rule.

I don't understand why he appears again. Maybe feel boring. I won't ask anything about him and he won't tell. Even I ask, he is unwilling to tell. He don't like me to know anything about him. That's why he likes to escape. Sometimes I wonder how come he can pretend nothing had happened, or he beliefs that I like a child that I will forget what had happened as times go by? That's no true, I remember all things in mind. The problems just accumulating, more and more, and nothing solved so far. We never connected by telling each other how we feel.

I wonder if he know what's the real problems between us, or he just thinks the problem is due to my bad temper?

Anyway, wish he can get well soon and have a good health.

Putin is charm. I like his eyes, calm and wisdom.

Annabel Peale

Private - 1:55 AM

Monday, September 03, 2007

Attended the master class of Finance and Accounting by Dr. Bill Ryan these 2 days. Met Cheris. Haven't seen her for almost one year, s ince I escaped from the classes. Bill Ryan presented clearly and what he taught is more simple and precise. Gary Leung lecturer is fine and he is very well prepared for the classes and care the students much, he is a good lecturer, his effort speak for himself. He is very experience. However, his English (oral) is.........scary. Anyway, he is a nice person I belief.

I told Cheris that I expected to be failed in the exam. There is around 40% students fail in average in every F & A exam as statistic shown. I am weak in maths (algebra), my brain running slow and become handicap when seeing fugures, will fail without exception.

What make us surprise is Bill Ryan presentataion is clear and "too simple", that we can understand what he said in the class (unlike the lecturers in the previous local classes). Both I and Cheris is doubtful if it is so simple as he taught in the class. If so, why so many students fail in the exams before? Cheris kidding by saying that "the problem is we understand what he taught, that's the scary thing", I told her that "It may be a hint that we will die (fail) in the exam."

Even our fellow, Wanyi, who works in Standard and Poor's, a very hard working girl who read the whole text book failed in the exam in the last semester. I told Cheris that I won't spend much time on F& A, cos nomatter how hard I work, I'll fail. And spending time on F & A, may even make me fail in the other 2 subjects - Economic Strategy and International Marketing, since it sacrifice time for Econoic and Marketing. Sigh........

Finance and accounting, a very scary subject..........

Annabel Peale

Private - 12:52 AM

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Received his email 2 days ago mentioned that he had an operation. Don't know how I felt when reading his mail again after 2 months time. My eyes turn red, and tears drop. Replied by ask why and what happened, but he didn't reply.

Worry about him, what kind of surgery? Is he o.k? Wanted to call him that night and yesterday, but I didn't. I tell myself that don't ever disturb a married man, it will bring troubles to him if his wife around him, that why I never or seldom call him. Even as friend, its not good.

During the way home last night after the master class for Finance and Accounting, I thought that I am not qualiifed to give him a call, just because I am "not qualified". I don't even qualified to ask what had happened to him, why he had an operation, I made a mistake to reply his mail. I am not qualified to ask his privacy, cause he don't like me to ask "his privacy", he don't need me to know anything about him. So want to send a email again and tell him that he don't have to reply my mail, cos I shouldn't ask him anything. But I didn't cause it's so rude and impolite to a patient, who is sick and may need care. But he don't need my care............

Hope he is fine and no problem on his health. I prefer to hear that he is fine, good health, good family life, everything running smooth and he live happily. This is what I expected - just if I disappear. So he will be fine and no problem at all even after an operation, since his wife will look after him and give him cares.

Me? I am useless and had no value to him at all. There's no room for me. Who are you? It's very important to know where are you, who you are and what position you are in.

Please stop dreaming and don't look back, he has a family, a wife, a daughter, a new baby, and he is not serious to you.

Stop that, don't be silly again --- Idiot!

Annabel Peale

Private - 11:06 AM

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

What's life?

Public - 8:57 PM

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

These days, trying to be a good daughter.

Haven't face and talk to dad for such a long time, its kind of embrassed the first day he back home from the hospital. I am the one to look after her in this house, of course, we have Tini and Mom as well, but seems that they have no idea of what food can he eat.

I went to the supermarket, selecting the food with lower Cholesterol, lower fat and more vegetable. Act like a housewife, A vegetarian who bought meat and chicken. Cooking noodles, soup and chicken dishes for dad, selecting medicines for him, cooking wheat oat with milk for him in the mid night. That four days were the closest day with Dad in my life, maybe since 16 years ago.

Yesterday afternoon, he had a conversation with his friend over the phone, I heard. He told his friend that he couldn't find the person ( his girlfriend) and asked his friend to see if she is o.k and get back to him. Soon after the call, he changed clothes and decide to back Shenzhen. I asked him not to go due to his health problem, he can't even walk steadily. He said his friend will go with him, I call sister, Ivy, and she said we couldn't stop him if he want. That's true, he almost opened the door and left, who can stop him? He made the decision already.

I asked him to stay a while, and I go with him and bring him to the station to meet his friend. We took a taxi to the station which is only 5 minutes from our home. He can't even walk, but decided to go to Shenzhen by saying that he has couples of things to handle.

I kept reminding him (acted like a parent) to care about his health, his menu, don't eat greasy food, take the pills and injection, record the blood...........etc. How come I get so much to talk to him before say goodbye to him, but I didn't talk to him for couples of years before.

I gave him a bookmark with the picture of Buddhist and put it into his wallet by saying that it will "protect him", I really, truely hope the buddhist can really "protect" him in whatever condition, now and the future. I prefer to give my life & lucks to him and mom for protecting them now and their future if I can, if god and buddhist can hear that right now, I am sincere, please protect them, give them good health and happiness, you can consume my luck, my fate for them, please.....

Hope I can see him back safe and it's my first time all these year to call him this afternoon, to ensure that he is o.k. He told me that he is fine and I again remind him for the food and medicine issues. Fine to hear that he's fine, but why you didn't think about that before?
Dad, god bless you.

Annabel

Friday, August 24, 2007

Yeah, the last assignments - Finance and Accounting finished finally. No need to struggle anymore. So glad.

Next steps, revise and finalise the contents of the 3 assignments, make the cover page, tables of contents, reference lists and submit.

But take a short break first.

Good luck also to the coming exams.....

Public - 2:00 PM

Monday, August 20, 2007

Met someone from Singapore this afternoon in the Lounge of Sheraton Hotel. They are looking for a new G.M in H.K, but based on the discussion with that guy, so called COO / CFO, I am not interest to further deal with him, waste my time for him. Because of the company size, background, the potential of the business and the way of this guys presentation. I wonder how honest and realistic this guy is, and if they can really bring benefit to the potential consumer, or cheating them?

Anyway, what I want to say is, I was visiting the same place which I was asked to leave his room 4 years ago. Almost the same day 4 years ago, he said we shouldn't see each other again because he has a family, then he asked me to leave his room. My first and the only time in my life being asked by someone to leave. That day, the weather was bad, having typhoon......

I walked along the street, don't know what to do, being dumped. But what funny is I didn't mad about him but worrying. Since the day before he asked me to leave, he told me that his wife was sick and they separated. I can understand how upset and worry he was to his wife. He worried his wife, and I worried about him........

Worrying him, and kept calling him that day. I stupidly wanted to tell him that although he dumped me, I still there for him and willing to listen to him and share his feeling anytime if he need someone to talk to. But he didn't pick up the phone for once. See how stupid you are, Ms. Annabel.

Four years later, so many things happened. And I always feel that the night, the night he told me his background and her wife's situation was "the only" moment he express himself, his background to me. It was "the only" moment he let me understand him, "the only" moment he want to communicate with me. Though panic there, I truely appreciate that moment for his willingness to share the "real him" with me. Really appreciated. But then, I get no chance - to understand him.........

Annabel Peale

Private - 9:18 PM

Monday, August 20, 2007

Dad is in the hospital.

The surgery for his heart cancelled, caused his heart only get 20% function.
I received message from Dowson last Saturday saying that the doctor said he may leave anytime.

2 hours before I received the message, I bought a portable DVD player for him, so that he can watch film in the hospital, although I haven't seen him for couples of month. Keep receiving calls from Ivy and Natalie, and I didn't pick up the call. Cause I don't know how to face him, them, and myself for so many unhappiness before.

The weather was very bad suddenly, strange wind and keep thundering, like watching film. I went to the hospital at once, felt complicated. So scare that I can't see him again........I am not a good daughter.

Everybody were surprised to see me there, cos it was my first time to visit the hospital so far. Dad said its long time that we hadn't see, and I gave him the DVD player. We left soon.

Next day (yesterday), he called and said the DVD player got no sound, I told him that he can tune the volume at the side of the player and asked if he know how to use it, he said no. Then I told him that I go there later and make that for him. I went with mom and Tinny last night. And I brought some DVD diskes for him. What can I do and help?

Life.........

I just thought last night, can't down, depress and frustuated. I got to be brave and do something for him for his future instead. Should try to help and plan his future, even though I can't help anything. But I know, at some critical moment, its important. I found the old buddhist book called "The big issue in life". The feeling is so complicated when finding the book. No one want to read this book, who are willing to read? I am not an exception, and hundred of reasons reluctant to read this book. And it need guts to read, to read it for somebody, and for someone close, who want to read?

Please be brave, and read, and do something useful and meaningful for him.

Dad, sorry that I am not a good daughter, and with the strange character. But somehow, I really don't know how to express myself.

Anyway, I wish you can get well soon, and as happy as you like.

God bless you and all the best.

Annabel

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Last night, dinner time, Mom said girls from China speak loudly. I agreed and mentioned Shanghai girls speak loud particulary and many westerners like my former bosses and the guy I had teleconversation the night before.

Mom then asked if he also works in H.K. I asked whom, and how could I know? I belief whom she mentioned is him and she misinterpreted the "whom". The guy I mean is Mike Helffrich, from the States. These days, so many calls from Mike Helffrich from Global Search and John Poerstel from Lutron, almost the same times as his calls before. She misinterpreted all these guy are the same guy. The conversation stopped. I felt embarrassed and went to take a bath.

The fact is we never talk about this guy before, she never ask and I never say anything. What can I say, and how? It just someone who occasionally called me if he remember me, and with low frequency.

Feel guilty, how can you let your mom know that you had affairs with a married man, living abroad with wife and kids, who never recognized you and never intend to be in a serious relationship with you, and just see each other every 1 to 2 years? And this ridiculous relationship last 5 years? And make her daughter keep dropping unlimited tears? And now he forget her daughter and thus, no more call and contacts anymore?

What a chaos relationship. That's why my mind is so messy these years and never clear. You deserve for that, cause you stole other woman's husband!

You are so stupid!!!!

Nevertheless, you will go to the hell. Don't blame others, you deserve for that.

Annabel Peale

Private - 9:48 AM

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Finance and Accounting assignment - ABC (Activity Based Cost), will handle you in 2 days.

Thanks you so much for Yuker's generous support for the copy of your assignment. Don't worry, for reference only, I won't copy it, but the calculations part.You know my heart beat so fast when I see those algebra.....

Thanks again, you safe me.

Annabel Peale

Public - 1:02 AM

Monday, August 13, 2007

Lies

Hey lady,

Catch what it means?

It means a lot to you.

Annabel Peale

Public - 12:08 PM

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Brain Suck

Economics of Strategy asssignment. Just finished 5 questions, and 1 more Q.to go.

"What strategies would you recommend the industry use to reduce the "cover gifts" war?????"
God, brain suck.

Let's take a break. And finish it tonight.

Annabel Peale

Public - 8:22 PM

Saturday, August 11, 2007

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautifual hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.

Annabel Peale

Public - 2:47 PM

Friday, August 10, 2007

Without you, life seems peace and silence. Still with ups and down sometimes but not as fluctuated as before. Its not the first time, since we always repeat and repeat the fault. I don't want to repeat again, so many people involved in this relationship. There, in fact no space for me. And you never intend to give me space. I understand where I am. I just a temporary substitues, you don't need it, sick of me, and will forget me one day you find me useless. You won't agree it, as you don't want to face the truth, your subconscious mind.

It's not about right and wrong, it just about the real you that you never discovered.

But I still upset at the moment. Maybe you already forgot me in the same time.

Anyway, all the best........

Annabel Peale

Private - 3:39 PM