Hello 2018

While I have some catching up to do, I thought I would start right where we are!

I looked back through my old posts and was so thankful that I documented our life. I want to do more of that. There are little memories that fade when they are not written down, and I do not want to miss these moments. 

This morning the twins were sitting on the counter in their pink and blue bumbos, looking out the window, and occasionally looking over their shoulder to smile at me. Lola was eating her oatmeal and listening to Preschool Songs on Alexa with a big smile on her face. I was making eggs, and singing along and making my kiddos smile and laugh. I realized that this stage in my life is not going to last very long. I know one day soon I will long for the days when my littles were home with me, all safe and snug on a raining morning. As I washed my pan, I noticed a knife in the sick with some peanut butter on it, and realized that Kate had gotten herself dressed for school, and even made herself breakfast. Part of me cheered at her independence, while the other other part of me felt a sting of regret that I had missed out on yet another morning with Kate while I caught up on sleep. 

In this stage in my life I feel stretched in so many different ways. My kids all need me for so many different purposes. Kate needs a listening ear, rides, teaching, encouragement, praise, reminders, deodorant, money, hugs, and help with Math! Lola needs snuggles, boo-boos kissed, endless snacks, hair combed, shoes tied, car seat unbuckled, middle of the night legs rubbed and scary dreams chased away. Ruby continues to stretch me in ways I never knew I needed stretching! I continue to learn about love, grief, priories, the gospel, and parenting from our little angel. Jack requires warm bottles on the double, clean diapers, tummy time, tickles, showers with Dad, smiles, and lots of attention! Emma wants snuggles and kisses on the face, nursing, warm relaxing baths, swaddling, tummy time, and lots of attention. They call, whisper, shout, yell, sing, laugh, and cry my name, "Mama!" what feels like all day long. While I would like to say that I always come running happily to their pleas for me, but I catch myself at least once a day responding, "WHAAAAAAAAT?!" It can be overwhelming most days to feel needed by so many people. BUT, I can't imagine my life in other way. I wouldn't want them calling anyone else. Well, maybe besides, "Daddy." They do plenty of that too!  This is the life I dreamed of, signed up for, and made happen. Matt and I work every day to have a happy home, with happy kids, a happy marriage, and a happy life. It's the goal, and I fall in bed exhausted every night in pursue of it! 

So to sum up the January 2018 Ani in four words: needed, exhausted, busy and happy! 

Kate is 8

I can't believe my little girl is 8 years old. In our religious community, turning 8 is a big deal because children can choose to be baptized once they have turned 8. Kate has been counting down the years, seriously! When she was 5, she started to ask how many years it would be before she could be baptized. 

Kate has proven that she is made of pretty tough stuff over the course of her young life. She has been through a lot, but has learned at a young age how to cope and deal with a lot of deep emotions. We moved a year ago, and she has had to switch schools 3 times since the end of 1st grade. She has quickly made friends and made herself comfortable in her new surroundings. She is definitely a social butterfly, and wants play dates every single day! 

She has been awarded a few times this year for her character and her awesome job in school. She has increased her reading level by a grade and half this year and worked so hard for that! She does awesome in spelling and math, and loves to write in her journal. 

Kate usually plays "Family" at recess with a big group of kids in her class. If they are not playing "Family", then they running from the boys! According to her, she is the only child in her class that hasn't "clipped down" on the behavior chart and she is very proud of that! 

She is quiet and meekly mannered at school, but at home is most often a different story! She runs in the house after school and goes straight to the swing in the backyard or the bars and spends the next hour or so "unwinding". She and her sister are either best friends or worst enemies! I can hear them playing/fighting from any room in the house. There are lots of giggling and screaming in the Taylor Household! 

Kate has been practicing Taekwondo for the last year and has some serious skills. She is currently a purple belt. She hopes to earn her Black Belt in the next 2 years. She evens out the weapons at TKW, with makeup! She loves to wear mascara, glittery eye shadow and lipstick when I am not looking!

We are so thankful to have Kate in our family. She has been our constant for the last 8 years, when everything else has changed. She loves and lives fiercely. I am so excited for her to be baptized. She has a really big heart, and is going to do amazing things in her life. I am grateful I get to teach her and lead her along while she is still my little girl. 

Swinging in a hammock with Lola

I have these moments with my kids that feel so perfect and full of love that I tell myself there is no way I could ever forget it. But I have learned that my mind does not store these perfect moments as crystal clear as I would hope. 

This afternoon Lola found me, grabbed my hand, and lead me to the kitchen and asked for a snack. Realizing it was lunchtime,  I told her we would have a picnic in the backyard. As I made our lunch, she looked around for "banket." I sat down on the blanket outside and she said, "Jus a minute Mama. I need ta geta water frum the wittle fwige." I heard the little outdoor fridge open, and she rounded the corner with a huge smile, water in one hand and Diet Coke in the other. Surprisingly she handed ME the Diet Coke and said, "For you Mama!" She was excited to see our lunch was a hot dog, chips, and blueberries. She said, "Mmmmm, soo soo bery good!" 

After our lunch she wanted to play Hide and Seek. She always says, "I count to 4 and you hide, ok Mama?" We ended up in the hammock together for the next hour. We went from hiding from each other, to hiding from the dog, to rowing our boat, and watching the bird and bees fly overhead. She kept laying on me with her chubby little arms around my neck. 

Both the girls love when I make up stories about them wearing fancy clothes and high heels and usually having some super powers and glittering wings.  She asked for a story and when I told her what she was wearing in the story her eyes lit up and she did a quick audible inhale and long exhale and then kissed me! After my story she made up a story about her friend named "Mama friend" who could fly and got all the purple ice cream from the ice cream man and shared it with everyone. Then Mama was eating cotton candy and Lola started to act like I was the cotton candy and tried to "eat me all up!" I didn't mind that at all!

These little people are exhausting, they really are. This morning when I felt the tap, tap, tap on my shoulder, I wanted to turn over and keep sleeping. Moments like today with Lola make the endless diapers, dishes, chores, and carpooling fade to the distance. I want a thousand more of these moments and will trudge through the exhaustion and dishes to get them when they come! 

Lola the NUT

 My Lola Bloom is 2 and 1/2. She is the biggest nut I have ever met. I wish there were words to describe the straight up crazy fun that she is. 

She wakes up around 7 and yells for anyone who will listen. "Mom and Dad! Dad, help me! Ana? Elsa! Elsssssaaaa! Ani! Annnnniiiiii. Mama? KK? Kaaaattteeeeee!" It is the best way to wake up, because every morning is something different and it cracks us up. 

She is obsessed with clothes. After we say goodmorning, she always says, "Got to get dressed." She picks a shirt, pants, bow, and a diaper. And that is just the first outfit choice of the day. Yesterday she changed her clothes about 10 times. No joke. Each time she takes off ALL of her clothes and diaper and wants a new diaper with her new outfit. Her hair also needs to change every time. She is currently in love with tank tops and shorts. Which is fine, except it is February. I've tried to tell her they are "Summertime" clothes. Which didn't help, because now she just cries, "I want myyyyyyy summertime clothes!" One of my favorite outfit choices is a diaper, hat on backwards, and a backpack. 

Lola wants to party all day. She is constantly asking me, "Where we goin' mama!?" She is excited to follow me everywhere, even just to the laundry room or bathroom! Her favorite part of the day is when we pick up Kate from school. She always runs, screams her name and gives her a big hug. Then she spends the next 10 minutes trying to talk to all of Kate's classmates, their parents, the teacher, principal, or anyone who will listen to her stories. She loves to dance, especially naked. She has a pretty good "nakey dance" routine! She gets her moves from her Dad!

She wants to snack all day. A true grazer. Obsessed with yogurt and skinned apples. She is a big fan of gum, and asks for it constantly. She usually eats her lunch on the go, and if we are ever at home for lunch, she still wants it in her special tupperware she uses in the car. She is a true On-The-Go girl. 

Her personality is so strong. She is adventurous, curious, daring, and really funny. She is kinda sneaky, and gets into everything. Everything is AMAZING to her. She hears sirens and she runs to the window and under her breath says, "Fireworks!" When she hears the trashtruck she gets a little fired up because she knows they took her pumpkin and Christmas Tree. But today she said, "There it is! He is takin' all our poop!" And speaking of poop...she learned how to potty talk this week. "What is on your face Lola" "Poop! HAHAHA!" "What do you want for lunch?" "Poopy Diaper!" Diaper Head is also a favorite. She is tough. She both legs and feet are covered in bruises and scrapes. She barely slows down when she takes a fall. Usually she laughs!

When it is quiet, that means she is being naughty, 100% of  the time. She is putting on lipstick, getting into paint, playing with scissors, unwinding the TP, eating dog food, coloring on the walls, etc. At the park if you can't find her, it is because she has climbed up the rock wall and is hanging 4 feet up. If her eyes are open, she is on full speed.

Lola is so sweet. She has brought our family so much JOY. I wondered if I could ever feel that again after we lost Ruby. While I don't feel like it is full joy, there is JOY and it is great. I say not full joy because in those moments that just feel so perfect and full of love and everything good, there is always a little tugging at my heart telling me that someone is missing. I know that Ruby is with us a lot. But I know that one day, when I am reunited with her psychically , there will be a full measure of joy. I can't wait for that day. In the meantime, these little people I am raising keep me so happy and so busy! 

Lola has been talking about Ruby a lot. She was over the moon about celebrating her Birthday. She sang "Happy Birthday" 50 times that week. She talked about her, sang to her, picked out flowers for her, wanted to make "pupcakes" for her. She knows that Ruby is her sister and includes her in naming her family members and I LOVE that! Lola was playing in the playroom the other day and when I passed she said. "Mom! Ruby come home and give me a hug!" Definitely stopped me in my tracks! 

I am so thankful for this crazy girl that is keeping me on my toes! She is the best little thing ever. 

 

Starting again...

I let 2015 pass without a single post. How did that happen? This space has been confusing for me. I use to blog so much when Kate was a baby. I love looking back on her every milestone. And then it was my outlet when Ruby was sick. I have gone back looking for something twice, and read entries from when Ruby was sick, and it really sent me into a tailspin. I am almost afraid of opening these "pages" in my book. The pain of losing Ruby will never go away, but reading about the details of her struggle are often times too much for my heart. This blog became hers in those 7 months. I am happy that I was able to share her story, to write down her stories, to preserve her memory from her mother's perspective. 

I would like to start writing here again. I want to chronicle these years I have with my little girls, because they are fleeting. They will never be this little again. I want to bottle their childhood up as much as I am able! 

Ruby is always with us. She is with us when we have big family events. She is with us when we watch the sunset every night at the beach. She is with us when we have crazy dance parties in the kitchen. She is always there, even if we can't see her.  She wants us to live fully, dream wild, and love fiercely. Now, I just need to start recording it all again! 

Potty Training

It's a big day for Lola Bloom! Kate has been trying to months to get her excited about potty training. She has spent a few minutes sitting on the little potty chair, but mostly asking about the Sesame Street Characters on the seat. Today she stood up while eating breakfast and declared she needed to go potty. We went in, she sat down and wanted to get down immediately. I told her I would go get my phone for her to play on. When I got back, her eyes were huge and she screamed, "I pooped!" And sure enough, she had. We did a lot of clapping and dancing and hugging! She followed me into the kitchen so I could give her two M&Ms, and then said, "I poop again!" I turned around, and yup, she had pooped again, on the rug, and then proceeded to step in it! She might be out third kiddo, but every milestone is just as exciting as the first time around. Even when it involves poop! I never want to forget how proud she was of herself.

She should have...

She should have started preschool today. We should have gone school shopping and picked out the perfect outfit, probably a dress. I would have put out the “You Are Special Today”, plate, and made her her favorite breakfast. I don’t even know what that would have been. Pancakes? Waffles? Oatmeal? I would have given her a bath, and made sure she was squeaky clean to meet her teacher for the first time. I would have combed her hair, and put a pretty bow in. She would have stood on our front porch, holding the chalkboard. It would have read, “1^st Day of Preschool”. I would have taken pictures, one with me and her, one with her and her dad, and one with all three girls. She would have put her little dimpled hand in mine and we would have walked across the street to the preschool. She would have been nervous, and probably a little excited. I would have been a nervous wreck, wondering if she would be ok out of my care for those few hours twice a week.  I would have watched her sit on the floor, with the other kids, listening to a book, and probably glancing back every so often to make sure I was still there. She should have started preschool today. But she didn’t.

Every day I miss her, but it is days like today, that I know exactly what I am missing out on. I know where we would have been, and what we would be doing today. So today, instead of crying with the other moms that our babies are starting preschool, I am at home, crying that she isn’t.

Serve Together

From:http://www.linesacross.com/2013/05/free-printable-albert-einstein-quotes.html

I have started a project that is all about service. I wanted to share it here, and invite you to follow the project on Instagram, @servetogether. There is also a blog: www.projectservetogether.blogspot.com
Here is a little summary about what we are doing.

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We have found a lot of happiness by serving others as a family. 

Serving together has amazing power to strength relationships and heal broken hearts. 

We want to see love and service spread. 

Each week, we will be suggesting an act of service, and challenging everyone to participate.

We want to SEE the service happening!  We want to see pictures, videos, and stories! It is inspiring to see other serve around us, and far from us. We are all able to serve in someway. Let's share our experinces, and learn from eachother.

 Love and kindness and joy will increase in our homes and in our families.

Most of the acts of service are things you will be able to do with children. Each week will be a new idea. It would be fun to see these acts of service being performed all over. 

Follow @servetogether on Instagram, and use the hashtag #projectservetogether

We will be going through the pictures and would love to share a service experience each week.

As we share our experiences with friends and families, we will help spread the spirit of service!

Somedays are just hard

Some days are harder than others. But to be honest, any day that you have a child in Heaven is a hard day. It might not appear that I am having a hard (or harder) day to others, but it doesn’t mean I am not having one. I have just gotten really practiced at hiding the pain. Why hide the pain? Because it makes people uncomfortable is the simple answer. I mean, can you imagine casually asking someone, “How are you?” and having them reply honestly? My honest answer would be something like, “My heart is aching and my throat feels really tight today when I think of my daughter.”  For whatever reason we all try to act like everything is fine, so that is what I try to do most days.

But then there are the days when I can’t pretend it is ok.  The day I saw a rant on Facebook about someone’s misbehaved 3.5 year old…The day we met with the headstone company…The day I cleaned out the pantry and found baby food covered in a layer of dust pushed to the far back…. Those days feel like I got sucker punched in the gut. Literally, it physically hurts.  Those days leave me doubled over in pain and with deep sobs coming form the part of your soul only your child can fill. Those moments feel like panic, and anxiety, and fear. And then usually my sweet 6 year old pulls me out of that place with insistent questions of, “Mom, are you crying? Why are you crying? Do you miss Ruby? I do to. It is ok! We will see her again someday. Please stop crying mommy. Your mascara is running!”

After those moments, (and I have wiped my mascara off!) I feel more connected to Ruby. It is necessary for my soul to feel the raw anguish of losing part of it’s self.  I don’t like to get to that point of grief very often, because I don’t like to focus on the “death” part. I have really been able to separate her life and her death in my mind and in my memories of her.

I wonder about Ruby a lot. I wonder if she feels the longing for us, like we do for her? It must be different where she is. She must see the bigger picture and have more patience for our reunion. I wonder if she misses me holding her? Her sister playing with her? Her Dad talking sweetly to her? I have to think she does.

I know all things will be made right one day. I hold on to that. My loses will be returned to me.

Until then, we have faith. We have hope. We have memories, and we have a perfect little daughter watching over us, and waiting for us. And we have two more little daughters keeping us in the present here. I am so thankful that God has given me these three girls. I feel the deepest amount of appreciation to be their mother. 

Grief is...

Grief is unexpected. 

You can never be prepared to handle grief. It comes sudden for some, and for others is looms in the shadows; creeping in slowly. However it arrives, it is never welcome. 

Grief is physical.

 It is not just the emotion of intense sadness...it actually physically hurts. It feels like a ton of bricks pushing down on your chest. It feels like the moment you lost your child at the park, but it never goes away. It feels like a nightmare, but it is real life. 

Grief is to be endured. 

There are no short cuts. You can't go around, under or over grief. It is there, like an unwelcome guest, that will never go away. Grief cannot be escaped. 

Grief is lonely. 

There are thousands of books, talks, and suggestions...but none just for you. Grief is personal, individual and different for everyone. No one has lost what you have. You can grieve along side someone, but there is no sharing your portion of pain or heaviness. 

Grief is love.

 It is because we love so deeply and intense that we then grieve so deeply and intense. The only way to avoid grief is to not love. The love we have for those we have lost, outweighs the grief. Always. 

Happiness

Kate is off at school. I just laid Lola down for a nap. Matt is at work. The sun is shining and the wind is blowing through my bedroom window. I am happy. I was just making my bed and I just had an overwhelming feeling of happiness and my first thought was to thank my Father in Heaven for the prayers he has answered, and the blessings I have been given. And then I felt like I needed to write. So, here I am. 

Those things I am thankful for today, may seem really insignificant, but for me it is a big, fat, deal. It means that life is returning to our {new} normal for the Taylor family. To me it means that I have a healthy, smart and joyful Kindergartner that loves to go to school, learn, play and be social. It means that I have been blessed with a perfectly healthy, happy, and darling baby girl that gets to be with me all day long in my home. It means that my husband has a job (after 7 months of being unemployed!), a promising career, and is providing for our family. 

After the trials we have been through, we are happy for anything at this point! We have learned to find joy and happiness in the small things, and feel extremely blessed for the bigger things. We are able to recognized that everything, EVERYTHING, is a gift and a blessing from Heavenly Father. 

We are also able to recognize that the things that have been taken away from us, are not a punishment, but a trial, given to us from a loving Heavenly Father. He loves us, he does not leave us, and he will always, ALWAYS, bless us. God is good. 

I am thankful for today.

Milestones

Lola Bloom, 7 months old

Milestones. They are always there. They haunt. They creep up, they linger, and sometimes they scream in your face. 

I have been dreading this milestone for a long time, even before I was pregnant with Lola. Lola is older than Ruby was when she passed away at 7 months and 1 week. It might sound silly and insignificant, but I thought about that date creeping up on us a lot. The anticipation of these dates are usually harder than the actual day. 

The past couple of months as Lola has reached the size that Ruby was, I would be bathing her, or changing her diaper, or lotioning up her little sturdy body, and my heart would just break. I would look at her perfect tiny body and without any warning I would have flashbacks of Ruby's precious little body. When I think of all that she went through physically at such a young age, I just want to curl up into a little ball and cry. Ruby has been gone for 2 and half years, and sometimes she seems larger than life. Does that make sense? So when I really look at Lola, and think that Ruby was here just like Lola is now, and she was as small as Lola is, and went through so much. It makes my mama's heart break over and over again. 

When we woke up to Lola's 7 month, 1 week, and 1 day birthday, I felt gratitude. It was an  unexpected emotion. I was bracing myself for fear, for regret, for longing and pain, but it was just gratitude. That day was a day I never got with Ruby. It is a blessing that we have our Lola. WE KNOW how precious each day is. So the fact that we had this extra day with Lola that we missed with Ruby, was a big deal for me. 

We went to Disneyland as a family. We had fun together, watched the fireworks, and thought a lot about our 2nd little daughter that we wished was there.

We have been through the first of a lot of things now, and that feels like a big accomplishment in our grief. We survived the first holidays, birthday, angel day, the birth of a new baby, and this new milestone.

Every day I miss Ruby, and every day I look at Kate and Lola and know just how lucky I am to have them here with me.

3

Today is my Ruby's 3rd Birthday. 

The anticipation of these hard days seem to be always worse than the actual day. 

The past two birthdays, we have celebrated with the Run for Ruby. We have been so busy and stressed with the big event, that we had little time to feel sad. 

This year was different. We didn't have any grand plans, but I knew that I wanted to do something to celebrate on Saturday. We ended up going to Islands for dinner, and we brought along Ruby's picture, at Kate's request. We even told the waiter we were celebrating a birthday, and had a yummy treat and sang to Ruby('s picture). 

 

We decided that Ruby would have liked to go to Chuck E Cheese, so we spent the rest of the night playing games and winning tickets. As we were getting out of the car at Chuck E Cheese, I realized that we had taken Ruby and Kate there when Ruby was about a month old. I like to be places that she has been before. It just felt right that we celebrated there. 

Last night I made a quick run to Target alone to get a few things for a picnic for today. I started to feel a little sorry for myself as I was picking out some party plates in the birthday isle. I don't often feel like that. I am sad that things happened the way they did. I wish it were different, but right then and there I felt so sorry for myself. I felt pathetic. I was really hoping no one would asking about the party decor in my cart. I felt embarrassed, but why should I? It is my baby girl's birthday, and it will be celebrated! I even went to the toy isle and picked out a birthday gift for Ruby with the intention of donating it to another 3 year old. After a stop at the grocery story to pick up a "3" balloon, I asked Matt to get the birthday box down, and then staid up decorating! It felt good. It felt right. Ruby is part of our family, her birth is worth celebrating! I went to bed feeling a little less sad by going through the motions that I would have normally done, had she still been here. 

Today was very peaceful. I know that there were many that were thinking about our family, and praying for us, and I truly felt those prayers. We visited Ruby's place, and had a picnic. We brought flowers, and balloons, cupcakes and candles! We had our very own little birthday party, in the middle of the cemetery. After we sang "Happy Birthday", Kate was making her way over to the candles to blow them out for Ruby, when the wind (read: Ruby) blew them all out!

Usually I am ready to leave after we have been there for a while, but today was different. I didn't want to leave. I just felt so peaceful at her place. I think I must have felt her near. It was such a different feeling than I normally have there. The sun was setting, and the breeze was blowing her balloons around, and I just wanted to stay, and keep that feeling. 

I am so thankful for my sweet Ruby girl, and the gift that she continues to be to our whole family. 

Happy Birthday Ruby!

XO

Missing

Two years. Two years since I have cuddled my baby. My Tiny. Two years ago was the darkest day of my life. It felt like the darkest day that could have possibly ever been. Ruby was back and forth from this world to the next, and we could feel it. It was a terrible, gut wrenching experience to see life slipping from my infant child. I wasn't ready. I had not given up. Selfish? Maybe. But, 7 months is too short. Any amount of time would have been too short to be with my Ruby girl. I have tried to live in the present, especially since Lola joined our family. I have been able to reflect on the happy times with Ruby, but today is hard. Today, two years ago is hard to forget, even though I have prayed and prayed to forget.  

Ruby Lous for Ruby Jane

I am really excited to announce a special project that has been organized for The Ruby Jane Foundation. Two amazing ladies, Sharee from the blog A Piano Teacher Revealed and Abby from Sew Much Ado, have put a lot of time and effort into this great project in honor of Ruby during her Angel month. 

Abby is the creator of the darling Ruby Lou Doll Pattern, and Sharee made one of these dolls with her daughter, and couldn't stop thinking about our Ruby as she made it. From there, this project was born! Throughout the entire month of August, Abby at Sew-Much-Ado is going to donate the full profit of all Ruby Lou Doll Pattern purchases to The Ruby Jane Foundation!  

This is a great project for beginner to intermediate sewers. My daughter Kate and I will be making one together this month. It is the perfect project to do with your child! 

There is one last part of this project, one that I am the most excited about. If you would like to make your doll, and then send it to us, we are going to be donating them around the holidays, to the sweet girls that are in the hospital where Ruby was. 

We are so grateful for these amazing ladies, and their talent and time in making this project happen. Continuing Ruby's legacy is something that brings us so much comfort and peace, and it is so much easier to do this when we have earthly angels here to help us. 

 

I hope you will join us this August, in honor of Ruby, and spend some time making a Ruby Lou Doll, for your child, with your child, or for a child that would sure love a darling little doll to cuddle while in the hospital.

If you keep your doll, we would love to see a picture of the finished product! Abby has also made it possible to purchase the pattern as a gift.

You can purchase the Ruby Lou Doll Pattern(for $9) at: Sew Much Ado

Our Mailing Address to send finished dolls is:

The Ruby Jane Foundation

PO Box 505

Trabuco Canyon, CA 92678

Photos courtesy of Kyla Beth Photo Studio.