4 July 2017, my grandma passed away.
4 Aug 2017 I lost my baby due to ectopic pregnancy.
2 important love leave me. I am grieving for the past few days and crying on my own. Nobody know, nobody care, nobody even bother.

Whenever I saw a baby or I see news about others people being pregnant or give birth, I will remember about my lost baby. When my grandma passed away, I am not aware that I am pregnant. I had menses for 3 weeks straight and visited 2 doctors and none found out that I am pregnant. There is no way to prevent it but how I wish the baby is fine. Somehow I just felt that it is my fault that the baby had to be taken away.

On grandma passing 7th day, I dream of her. In my dream I asked her to hold my hand like how she always did. She didn't and just smile at me. On 14th and 21th day, I also dream of grandma. One of the dream, I actually pass my baby boy to her. I believe grandma is taking care of my baby boy, at least she got a company.

My mother-in-law actually went to the temple to request for a ritual done for my lost baby. However, we realised that we mess up the date and did not attend the ceremony. If I calculate the date of the ritual, it actually coincide with the dream I had. The day of the ritual is the day I pass my baby to my grandma. During grandma 49th day, I was bar from attending the ceremony as I am still in confinement. However, during grandma birthday, I went to bright hill, insisted. My mom ask me to ask grandma whether my baby boy is with her, and grandma said yes. I really hope grandma and my baby boy is well up there. I do miss them.

Recently, I went to Japan for vacation with Charlton and Hiang. Sad to say, I am not happy at all. The way Hiang behave seriously piss me off. I endured throughout the trip on his nonsense and ill manners but I cannot endure further when he cross the line. What sadden me further is that Charlton did not say a single thing to protect me. Hiang say things without thinking, did not spare a though for others and take things for granted. Since Hiang is Charlton best buddy, I endured.

On the last day, we took plane to Taiwan for transit before heading back to Singapore. After we board the plane, I took my seat at the most inner end while the guys place all of our baggage on the top compartment. I saw that the things are going to fall off and I tell Hiang "the things is going to fall", he look up and saw the baggage and choose to ignore. The things continue to slip down further and is actually going to fall. So I told him again "the things is slipping down" but he choose to ignore again. Since the compartment is above at other people seats, I thought it is better to be safe than it dropping down and hit other people. So I tell him again "the things is falling down!" and guess what I got in return? Hiang shouted at me on the plane so loud that even the guy sitting behind me peek through the gap between the seat to see how I look like. I look at Charlton hoping he would say something, but he did not. I am so disappointed.

In Taiwan, I asked Charlton, your best friend shouted at your wife like that on the plane in public. Why you did not react? He replied "you know Hiang, if I say something, things will get worst". What else can I say? "So meaning as your wife, your best friend have the right to shout at me like that in public. So your best friend is more important than your wife? So as your wife, I find myself very pathetic."

Disappointment yet again..