haiz.. gonna get more and more stress.. project getting lots and lots.. as usual need to handle schoolwork.. but now... due to exam.. i did to help out at mac.. haiz.. getting more stress.. how.. my house.. now think ar.. finance think gonna have problem soon.. with a dad tat dun kw how to think.. keep anyhow spend money.. think.. i got to cut down a lot of stuff to cover up for him.. i still got books need to settle.. mac cant earn really much also.. den dad keep spend money.. take it as just now.. i tell him dun buy my food.. he go and buy.. JUST DUN UNDERSTAND!!! haiz.. i should stop using money from now.. and phone bill as well.. haiz.. *cry*


i feel stress... really feel stress.. just hope my 2 brothers can just help me with some of the burden.. they both not working.. slacking like hell.. dun even wanna go find job.. say got find got find.. but everyday see them go out play games.. wth.. if this continue to go on.. i think.. i need to work everyday leh.. rite after sch.. or what.. to help family liao.. one day.. i think.. i will die of this.. haiz..


stress.. WHAT CAN I DO!!!! knowing what mother did.. making me feeling so lots of stress.. coz of my study.. she try to get more money for me.. haiz.. i think.. i go school.. better not eat la.. just ate tat little can leh.. can save mean save.. hungry a little wun how.. ^^ i will get over it.. i will.. dun need worry abt me.. T.T i hope so.. haiz....

i can't believe i was crying now.. doing wat i was told to?? end up having this kind of treatment?? wth.. what for crying over it?? this is the 2nd time he make me cry.. wtf he wan.. why can't he just change tat attitude.. i endure and endure.. but why much i let him call a DUMMY!!


wolfy told me to create room coz he may be late home today.. so i did.. and i got room 1.. tat is so nice number.. so i put in my msn to tell them to come room 1.. but none of them see it i bet.. ask them come to my room.. got tat hard?? they just need to click click.. room 1 is so easy.. just enter like tat can already.. end up?? let him say "just move ur butt to this room.. i create long time ago.. dummy" wtf!! hey!! u are too much ok.. i just do what i was told to?? do u need to call me dummy.. i ask him why need call me dummy.. he said.. "everyone is waiting for u for so long.. so dummy.." WTF!! did he told me he create this room?? when i online.. NONE OF THEM ONLINE OK!!! i was the first one tat go into audition.. so i just create.. how can he say HE WAITED SO LONG!! and say he create LONG TIME AGO.. how he create tat fuking room when he not even online.. room 1 is nicer.. just click their mouse and come over got tat hard?? i ask nicely.. saying ask them to come.. end up he saying.. i dun care abt tat room number.. can play can already.. HELL!! a nicer number got problem izzit.. do i need to be treated like this?? end up i crying so badly here.. no one even care wheather i there or not.. so what for playing anyway?? oh well... i cry till got sound.. those kw me should kw bah.. i cry no sound de.. and now i crying with sound..


MY ENDURENCE ALSO GOT A LIMIT!!! why must i be treated like this.. if u think u r the king.. so be it.. i not going to entertain u.. u got problem.. i listen to u.. i help u.. u angry.. i hear u.. lend u a listening ear.. and yet?? treat me with this kind of attitude.. nb!! what is this!!!!! i kw ur attitude.. but this cannot go on forever... i can endure once.. twice.. even many many time.. BUT HAVE A LIMIT WUN U!! i also got feeling.. izzit so fun saying ppl dummy?? so fun making ppl heartbreaking.. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!! why else can i do other den keep slience and cry in my room alone..

today school start leh.. should start lesson at 11am.. but lesson cancel.. is tutorial.. but without any lecture.. there is no way we can have turorial.. so.. cancel lo.. well.. since morning lesson cancel.. the next lesson will be math.. and tat will start at 2pm.. well, there is books i need to buy before i can have my lesson.. so.. i met up with eddie early today.. well.. he said that he will reach school before 1.30pm.. but!! gosh.. when i just board the bus like 5min.. i got a call from him.. he said.. "i at KAP leh".. i went shouting in the bus.. kinda ma lu u see.. well.. i sweat a lot when i reach school.. kinda hot and warm.. i headed to the bookshop first.. well.. saw robin inside.. just saying hi to him.. haha.. den i bought my math book for $14.. and also my japanese book.. tml i having japanese lesson.. haiz... see inside.. think i gonna suffer quite a lot for my japanese leh..


today school was ok lo.. the teacher is funny.. and guess what!! i finally understand math.. last year was like a terrible year.. totally cannot understand what the teacher is talking about lo.. and now.. i understand leh.. seem like female teacher is much more better compare to the male teacher.. the way they teach is totally different.. at least i understand..


when i in school.. i saw javier.. whenever i went to library there.. i kw!! i kw somehow i will saw him.. haiz.. and guess what.. tat feeling came true.. i did saw him.. i dun kw what to do sia.. i walking behind him.. so i try to keep as far as possible.. den try to do stuff to keep him away from my head.. so... i headed to my class.. surprise to kw that the teacher is the one send me home when i go for the CIP trip during the holiday.. haha.. so coincident.. den.. when i on the way home.. i told root-be-er tat i saw javier.. but.. the reply was "see den see lo.. no big deal.." somehow.. when i saw this.. i got kinda heartache.. inside me.. i hope for come care to keep me warm.. javier did hurt me real bad u see.. so whenever i saw him.. the feeling will hit me.. i need someone to support.. but seeing that reply.. my heartache.. i dun wan what to reply.. i just daze in the bus..


and now?? haiz... crying crying crying.. thx to the anime.. haizzzz.. silent thru out the air.. see the time.. my heartache more.. i dun kw what i can do.. what can i say?? anger filled at the other side of the phone.. i afriad that i will say wrong stuff.. knowing that next few day i wun be coming online.. coz i send my lappy to my boss for maintainance.. and hope to spend more time.. but.. i got to wait.. so i waited and waited.. see the time pass so quickly.. knowing tat the time wun stop.. it just fly away~~~ i left no choice.. i cannot online.. cannot msn.. cannot audition.. cannot watch anime.. cannot talk.. so.. i thinking tat maybe watch a few anime before i send my lappy to boss.. but... haizzz.. who knows.. things become so bad.. no longer crying for the anime.. but crying for heartache.. the air is so tense.. and i cannot do anything to help it to smooth.. every single minute pass so quickly.. everytime.. even just hear his breathing.. is enough for me.. but i dun wanna just to hear the breathing to keep as a memory for the next few day.. this is not wat i wanted.. i dun kw what u r thinking now.. i cant think when i am crying.. everything i do will just be wrong.. 1min pass again.. what can i do????


every single minute pass like a million knife pocking my heart.. it hurt so much.. i cannot stop crying.. 2min pass.. the time is running out.. am i going to wait till the time run out??? heartache.. heartpain.. i dun kw what to do... another minute had pass.. what are u doing?? i dun dare to ask.. what r u thinking?? i also dun dare to ask.. 15min left to go.. time can u just stop.. stop my heart from aching.. i really dun know what to do!!!!

haiz... now i wondering.. why do i always like to say things opposite of how i feel.. maybe i should learn to be selfish a bit.. haizzzzz.. watever.. ache ache ache.. haizzzzz.. nvm.. xi guan jiu hao..


oh well.. boss told me to get a compliment letter within the next 1 week or not.. and.. i kanna gap buster.. since i got both 100% for the past 2 time.. this one sure can.. but.. haizzz.. since like.. i gonna say bye bye to my gold service awards this year.. is not easy.. i only get 96.8%.. reason?? service time.. my service is ok.. no problem abt it.. 100%.. is just.. the food.. delay a bit.. coz.. kitchen never maintain.. haiz.. time.. 80sec.. haizzzzzzz.. i really.. affected so much.. maybe i set too high target??? haizzzz.. i always so proud of what i give to my customer.. where i can see them leave with a smile on their face.. but.. haizzz... if this gap buster.. i can get 100%.. tat mean tat gold award.. i confirm can get in leh!! oh well.. 1 year 1 time.. and.. i spend one year for this.. oh well.. everything go down to drain.. FLY AWAY~~~~~~~~~~~~


my mood is greatly affected when ping ping send me the score.. wat keep me in mac is the service award.. i wanted to reach star award.. coz tat one is long term.. whereas silver and gold only can last for 2 years.. i dun wanna repeat everything.. haiz.. effort dun pay off tat well ar?? nvm.. no ppl will kw how much it mean to me anyway.. ha.. bla bla bla..


i got work on sunday.. the last day.. very last day for me to earn a compliment letter.. and there will be the end of my working life.. haiz.. suan le bah.. dun care anymore leh.. why can't i see the stars tonight.. wat can i do to make myself feel better??

oh well.. trouble hits me.. i being eating snack!! my gastric problem getting better now.. and now, my mouth can't stop!! gosh!! i think i put on another 2kg.. haiz.. i dun believe it tat i finish one BIG BAR of chocolate... aiyo!! i hope i wun be tat kind of keep on eat to release stress.. coz i dun even kw i got stress a not.. i just eat coz i feel like eating..


ok... next.. herman ar.. haizzzzzz.. i dun denied tat it do affect me a little when u start giving up.. haiz.. dun kw what u thinking abt.. i kw u being liking me since 1 years ago.. this 1 year definitely torture u a lot.. at start.. the very start.. when u tell me u like me.. i was like.. run!! coz dun really got ppl tat told me tat like me.. i dun kw how to do.. or what to do.. i just run.. but i just got to come back.. coz it will be unfair for u.. i just try to live in a world tat having u likeing me.. i am just a totally noob.. tat what u all can say abt me.. i dun kw what is love.. how to love.. coz what i got is just hurt.. i knew something was wrong when u start saying age doesn't matter.. ok.. i kw tat.. age really doesn't matter.. u younger den me by 1.. but.. i tell myself.. after u turn 18.. den we talk abt it.. coz 18 can turn one guy mature.. hope tat fit to u too..


i am happy with u by my side all along.. when i am deeply in hurt.. u were there with me... helping me.. when i am sad.. u also there.. when i am lonely.. u chat with me even when u need to go school.. u r one important person to me.. dun kw what happen to u.. why u being so selfish and just say go den u go... it was a very childish act!!! haizzzz.. i kw.. u r hurt.. and keep thinking abt what to do is best for me and for u.. but!! oei!! how can u just like tat walk off.. come on.. haiz.. knowing u is not a wrong decision ok.. i dun wan u to become someone tat i know.. i already hurt someone badly.. i dun wan u to be ther second one.. and i dun wan to be the second gal tat hurt u badly.. 2month.. just give me 2 more month.. after tat.. den we talk abt it.. haizzz..

i really so angry with myself.. stupid audition.. lvl 19 licence.. i took 20 times!! all failed!! wth.. i was so angry!!! i tears lo.. wth.. stupid games.. STUPID RUBY!! cry for one damn audition game for what.. 35k only ma.. cost u 35k!! and tat the end.. how long u took to earn tat 35k.. and it just went to drain.. really.. haizzzz.. nvm... nobody will care anyway.. just dun care..


i didnt slp for 1 day.. dex came to find me.. he being chase out from home.. well.. since i can, i accompany him lo.. he is a guy younger den me tat call me jie jie.. one thing different abt me this jie jie is tat.. i am taller.. can give him sense of security.. haizzzzz.. seee.. whoever stand beside me.. sure got sense of security.. arbo is another sense.. which is.. think ownself too short.. haizzzz.. i just hate it when ppl compare me.. being tall is not what i wanted.. as if i wan like tat.. if i can choose.. i also dun wish to be so tall.. i dun wan die so early u kw.. try every time take bus ur head kok tat handle.. or mrt.. haizzzzz.. tat is what u need to pay of being tall.. i already so stupid leh.. kok some more.. i think i really can be super dumb dumb liao.. everytime kanna kok, i will gone super blur.. wth sia.. T.T


VEXED AR!!!!!!! where can i throw all my anger.. where can i throw all my trouble away!!!! why all the suey thing all happen.. this thing spoil la.. tat thing spoil la.. play this lose la.. play that lose la.. WHY I SO SUEY TODAY!! what did i do wrong to deserve this.. haiz.... being a good man is not easy.. no wonder so many ppl choose to become bad.. if i continue to like this.. dun worry.. i dun be bad.. i just will continue stare at my wall.. zhi bi?? depression?? haiz.. gosh.. why must i under go this 2!!! haiz.. the feeling of being zhi bi is not gd.. when got depression is super bad too.. i hate being alone.. and now?? i all alone in this quiet hse.. i like my hse to be quiet.. cos without my 2 brothers voice, my mind at least can have some peace.. so.. who care anyway.. haiz..


i wanna be independent.. so tat no ppl need to worry abt me.. but den.. this thing suddenly cross my mind.. independent and loneliness.. it seem like.. is just a line different.. i trying to be independent.. but does tat mean tat i will be lonely?? why instead of being independent.. i feel tat i am more lonely.. frens.. yes.. they do can accompany me.. but the lonely.. haizz.. who knows anyway.. haha.. i am just a silly gal tat get cheated easily.. dun even kw the one i talking to is a nice guy or bad guy..


haiz... why am i always the one tat make everyone unhappy.. haiz... i dun kw already.. i dun kw who is me.. all the bad things just happen.. why must i always got to tackle all the stuff by my own.. the 2 person.. tat make me become so heartless and throw away so long de friendship.. all appear in front of me on the same day.. and yet.. they can act like nth had happen.. stranger.. tat is what i feeling.. a totally stranger.. i just simply try act like never see them.. but..... 2 on the same day?????? WHY MUST WHOLE WORLD DE COINCIDENT FALL ON ME!!!! i just dun get it.. what can i do den my life will be a lot more easier?? bad stuff.. one by one.. all fall upon me.. gosh.. i now totally have no confident for sch reopen.. i really feel like find one place.. hide myself from this world.. no one can find me.. got no trouble.. everytime there is a trouble.. I WILL FACE IT.. coz i kw i cannot run away from it.. but each trouble is like double the previous one.. i really.. feel like.. run away bah... ruby.. run away.. find one place.. no one can find u.. if i can.. i really wish...


ok.. cry finish leh.. feel better leh.. now look back ruby.. what have u done?? causing others unhappiness is not what u should do!!! *slap slap* 2 slap for u!! wake up wun u.. stop being so naive and think tat everything will have a miracle.. u believe in miracle.. but so many thing tat happen, NONE got miracle.. no more miracle.. no more hope.. u just being a stupid gal sitting here crying alone writing ur blog.. look at the time now.. u still haven slp a wink last nite.. haizzzzzzzz.. DUN KW LA!!!! i simply just hate ppl forcing me do things tat i dun like to do.. if i dun wan slp.. mean i dun wan.. no point u can force.. wan me slp dun wan see me online.. the most i just dun on my lappy.. i kw u all is for my own gd.. but if i dun wan.. den dun force me.. end up will only have bad outcome.. haiz..


VEXED!!!!!! fan ar!!!! how am i suppose to live like tat??????