today is the last day of 2006.. as well as the last day of stanley staying in CPCC.. i organise a farewell party for him.. maybe it dun seem like a party.. but i just hope he can be happy la.. i feel sad.. kw why?? becoz i tot i can never celebrate this day with him.. coz?? javier is bringing me out for a celebration.. but now.. everything gone to thin air.. no celebration for me now..


i still dun believe it.. my eye still twitching today.. and know why?? haiz.. i just left myself all alone in my room crying.. on the way back home.. i control my tears.. once again.. u break ur promise.. since u like to break promise so much.. den must well dun give me any.. if u like to disappoint me.. congrate.. u did it.. why even the this special day also wan to disappoint me??


early in the morning.. i saw ur msg.. i was so touch.. knowing tat u are the right person for me.. but now?? what is this?? on the 29th.. u should have met up with me.. end up?? dun have.. nvm.. i told myself.. nvm... since cannot meet up.. i just have to wait for new year countdown.. waited and waited.. finally this day is here... ytd, i fill with hope and happiness.. coz i can really spend a long day with u.. end up?? u smash my hope.. really thank you so much ar.. i didn't kw u like to smash my hope again and again.. remember what i said before i put down the phone?? "can i trust your words??" u said YES.. but end up?? slping.. seem like u like slping more ar?? nvm.. disappoint me one time.. i take it as a nothing.. disappoint me the second time.. i take this as a excuse.. but.. what excuse can i give myself to help u stop disappoint me?? i can't find any excuse today.. u wan to help ur mum.. i respect ur mum and u.. i try to understand... but pls.. respect me too.. dun keep smash my hope..


no matter how hurt i am.. i just dun wanna admit it.. keep telling myself.. is ok.. nvm.. he got something on.. nvm.. is ok.. but how long can i continue to bluff myself?? i not a superwoman.. i not a 100% wei da understandable woman.. and i can never be perfect just for u.. i give in.. i let u.. i let u do whatever u wan.. dun disappoint u.. dun make u sad.. but.. i got a limit.. i can't always like this.. stanley told me.. if u wanna this relationship to last.. u got to control ur temper and ur emotion.. yes!! i trying.. and i never give up trying.. but.. u once again.. hurt me and hurt me.. i dun kw what to do den.. izzit my problem tat cause all this?? izzit my emotion?? izzit my temper?? no.. is not.. problem lie in u.. do u understand?? u got ur stress.. but i got mine too.. how am i going to handle my stress and the disappointment i got everyday?? all the problem i face everyday.. already make me headache.. i dun kw what to do anymore..


u tell me.. WHAT SHOULD I DO??? i feel so happy.. like the most happy woman in this world.. coz i kw.. finally.. i can really spend time with u.. and a long long time... not 1 hour.. but a few hours.. at least 6hours.. but tat msg.. thx you.. i dun feel like countdown anymore.. i feel dead.. do whatever u wan.. u wan slp.. u wan go out.. u wan help out ur mum.. u wan play ur com.. u wan do ur programming.. go ahead.. i dun wish to get hurt.. i let my hand out to u.. u didn't hold it.. everytime i take back my hand.. so pain... but i still let my hand out.. hope someday u will hold it and never let it go.. but seem like.. i am hurt again.. should i let my hand out?? or should i just keep myself in tat dark room?? is up for u to decide..

i am very very worry... javier fall down.. he hurt his back.. he already hurt his back once.. and becoz of tat injury.. he cannot play wu shu liao.. this time.. he hurt again.. den he got breathing difficulty.. man!! i so worry abt him.. i bet he is hurt...


how is he now?? where is he now?? where his dad bring him to?? which doctor he see.. how is his injury.. i all wan to kw.. i so scare.. what is he doing now?? is he in pain?? i very very worry... i dun care if he didn't find me today... even if he did promise me tat today we will meet.. i dun care anymore.. so long as he is ok.. i dun care anymore.. pls god.. keep him safe...


no wonder the whole afternoon i feel something bad is like going to happen.. why does everything just wun go rite?? why everything is getting so bad... why nothing good will happen to me??? why does all the bad thing happen again and again this year?? i dun kw.. i feel confuse.. i am scare... T.T pls... dun let anyone hurt again.. is too hurt.. T.T

today is stanley birthday wor.. firstly.. i must wish him HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! one year older leh.. anyway.. at least today is quite happy.. haha.. well.. he spend.. $400 bah.. today.. aiyo.. we went ktv.. sing untill.. aiyoyo!! i give the first shot.. i sing the song i share with my darling javier de.. weeee... shiok ar.. hahaha.. just love the song so much.. muahahha...


sing till.. i very giddy sia.. dun kw why.. really very giddy lo.. like wan faint like tat.. haiz.. but.. lucky never faint la.. haha.. hmm.. gave stanley a surprise.. hehe.. stanley always dun like birthday song.. HAHAHA!! also tio sabo la him.. hahaha... but better den last year la.. last year he more jialat.. hahaha...


after that we go play bowling.. hmm... i got 3rd.. yiyi got first.. stanley got 2nd.. den the last.. is qi feng lo.. aiyo.. i play untill so lousy.. almost fall down also.. liew.. but also got clear the pin la.. hahahahahha.. not bad not bad..


javier come look for me leh!!!!! yeah... before he come.. my heartbeat is so fast... den when sze peh say my phone ring.. sia la!! my ball go down the drain.. liew.. T.T anyway... javier came down to safra to look for me too... weeee... this time.. i keep staring at him.. muahaha.. if not he keep say i dun dare to look at him.. well.. i stay with him for a while.. den ask stanley they all go first.. hehe..


hmm.. javier send me to the bus stop.. well.. is raining.. hehe.. hmm.. i dun wan to leave him so early.. so i said.. erm.. we wait the 2nd bus ok?? hehe.. yeah... he agree.. ^^ yeah.. so happy.. lucky the bus take long time to come.. awww.. but when the 2nd bus coming.. i sad.. awww.. we wait another bus hao bu hao?? haha.. yeah.. he agree.. hmm.. just love to be in his arm.. hmm.. love his kisses too.. weeee...


he just love my jacket so much... hahaha.. but really la.. my jacket.. i love tat a lot too.. hehe.. hmm... he gave me some words sia.. he is serious sia.. omg.. man.. am i xin fu?? haha.. love my javier so much.. hahaha...

guess what.. first time... we fight wor.. haiz.. man.. i really.. dun kw what to say also.. do this also wrong.. do that also wrong.. even write a line inside a show also wrong.. “我只会傻傻的等” this line.. i suddenly feel that her thinking somehow same with me.. we all love to wait.. no matter stupidly waited for someone.. or full of hope waiting for someone.. everything.. still got to wait right?? i being waiting for someone to find me.. to love me.. i tot i found the right person but it was wrong.. he was not the person finding.. den... end up... hurting him so much.. every single time when i saw his msn nick... i filled with guilt.. every single words he said.. just like million of needle pocking my heart.. no people wan this to happen.. and because of this.. i think.. i should always stay single.. single still suit me.. that what people say.. i am meant to be single.. right?? having a relationship is hurtful... but everyone just wanna have one.. why?? coz they like the pain?? or just simply the love they seeking..


i am seeking for a love.. a person... a person that can accompany till old.. someone that will understand me.. can tolerate my temper.. tolerate my stupid thinking.. understand and love me with all his heart.. everytime, when i filled with anger.. or even my eyes filled with tears.. no one is with me den my friends.. i hate.. i complaint.. why HE just wun appear sooner.. everywhere i am scare.. whenever i am down.. whenever i am happy.. i just wan to share with him.. every single little thing tat happen.. i wan him to know all about it.. share my happiness, anger, tears and also sorrow.. haiz.. this guy.. this person.. my prince for my whole life.. where are you??


when i met javier.. i really fall deep in love... even love sick... haiz.. think.. i really in love leh.. 爱情往往在你不知不觉的时候出现。当你发现时你只能陷进去。所以叫做 Fall In Love... i can never forget this phrase.. seem like.. i already fall into the river... javier is the rite man of my life... izzit?? it is so hurtful to find the rite person..


i really happy.. happy tat i met javier.. he gave me something tat no one can give.. the love he give.. is differnt from others.. the love we shared.. make me wan to keep it forever.. a forever no ending love.. between us.. i found something.. something tat will make us feel so terrible.. "what are you thinking".. i wan to know this most.. every single time.. when he dun wish to reply my msg.. this phrase will appear in my mind.. i dun kw what i have done wrong.. what i did that make him dun wish to reply?? i just dun understand why.. reply a msg.. izzit tat hard?? reply a msg from someone special to u.. izzit tat hard?? i really dun understand.. last time when xiong(my best fren) dun reply my msg i can cry a lot.. can u imagine.. when javier dun wanna reply my msg.. how bad i feel?? what did i done wrong anyway?? can someone tell me??


joanna told me this.. "did he treat u as a gf?? did he tell everyone that u are his gf?? if not, it just mean that he dun wan to prove this relationship.." he treat me very good.. that what i can say.. telling everyone tat i am his gf.. think.. if impossible bah.. understanding.. is the most important thing in a relationship.. some relationship fail because they dun understand each other.. but for us?? i understand him.. i put myself to the worst to understand him.. i put myself in his shoe to understand him.. everytime we chat.. i understand him even better.. but.. everytime i understand him a little bit more.. i wondering.. did he understand me?? when i am down.. did he try to cheer me up?? when i am scare.. did he calm me down?? when i am angry.. did he find out what happen??


we fight in the middle of the nite.. for what?? i dun kw.. i just have this anger inside me.. i start to hate him saying brb.. coz everytime he said that.. i kw.. sure very long.. but den.. i willing to wait.. no matter how long.. i still wait.. coz i love him.. that why i wait.. after waiting for nearly one hour.. he is back.. all becoz of this word "haiz".. we fight.. hao ke xiao.. i always haiz.. when i sad, disappointed i always haiz.. only when i am happy.. den i wun haiz.. come on... put urself in my shoe sometime.. what am i thinking?? do u kw?? i can't always be the one tat understand you rite?? sometime.. we got to take turn.. if not.. i will feel very xin ku de.. i not scare of this xin ku.. becoz is u.. u the one i love.. this kind of xin ku i dun mind.. but sometime.. i do need ur understand too.. pls.. hao bu hao?? try and understanding me too.. i waited for so long... and becoz of this haiz.. u just simply say.. gd nite.. bye bye.. i was so shock.. i almost burst into tears.. fine.. i said.. fine.. if tat is what u wan.. fine.. i head to my bed.. i keep myself awake.. why?? just to hope u can msg me and say one sorry.. but u never.. i waited.. and waited.. over 30min.. i waited.. nope.. not a single msg.. i tears to slp.. i got work.. yet i willing to sacrifice my slp just to talk to u.. but it end up like tat..


i dun like to fight.. and one thing.. i think u better kw.. in my whole life.. i hate ppl say bye bye to me.. i dun kw why.. i just simply hate it.. bye bye... is like gone.. wun meet again.. i rather dun wan to have bye bye.. i never willing to say bye bye.. but i have to accept it.. when i woke up.. another blow from javier.. seem like.. i am in the wrong.. coz i haiz.. tat why i wrong.. izzit?? i dun wish to quarral with u.. and.. u never reply back.. i try to cool down.. think for u.. and take the blame myself.. msg u.. yet no reply.. every single reply mean so much to me do u know?? but u didn't.. is like.. every 3-4 msg i send.. u reply once.. feel so hurt u kw.. u can say i am emotional.. i always emotional.. bla bla bla.. u hate me being emotional.. but den.. me is me.. and i am emotional.. u have to accept it.. i always emotional inside me.. i act as happy as i am a millionaire in front of people.. end up?? i crying alone in the middle of the nite.. u think i like to be emotional?? coz everyone around me.. no ppl teach me how to be happy.. how to NOT be emotioanl..


i try to act as nothing had happen to me.. still be the understanding ruby u wanted.. but... nvm... i use to it being like this.. no matter what happen.. i just wan u to be happy.. when u cold.. i try to keep u warm.. kw what i told dorrie?? i told her.. i rather dun wan to have surprise from u.. what i wan is just u.. can talk to u anytime.. can reply me when i msg u.. all this is just little wish from me.. kw what i dun dare to call u?? and keep sms u?? coz i scare.. there is nothing to scare abt.. rite?? remember i told u tat i scare of rejection too?? i scare when i call u.. u will reject my call..


i just wan some attention from u.. see.. i very ma fan hoh?? i like keep on disturbing u.. tat make me feel real bad u kw... when u never reply.. i wonder if there anything happen to u??? i so worry... but.. i dun dare to send another msg over.. scare u might be sleeping.. scare i will wake u up.. or scare u will hate me.. can i say.. i feel unsecure?? haiz.. think.. i really need to think thru leh.. let me tell u this.. if one day.. u really cannot find me.. pls.. dun cry.. i dun kw if what u said is true.. "i will cry like hell".. even if is a lie.. i still believe u.. i believe in whatever u said.. just dun cry... just be happy...


hmm.. today work... ok ok bah.. nothing special happening.. still becoming the middle man.. haiz.. so much burden being middle man.. anyway.. almost doze off while i work.. maybe not enough slp bah... energy too low leh.. haiz.. if not i think i can wait for yiyi to knock off.. hmm.. tml is stanley birthday.. i hope this is not the last birthday we celebrate with him.. i really hope tat javier can come with me.. but den.. he seem like dun wish to.. haiz.. cannot force him also.. but.. really wish he could go with me.. a tiny little hope inside me.. keeping me believe tat somehow.. he will go.. even if is only a TINY little hope.. but it still burning big inside me.. hmmm.. i still cannot be selfish.. well.. i did ask him to watch Death Note with me.. but he said that 4 of his friends ask him to go watch too.. oh well.. is ok with me de la~ hahaha (*^-^*) if he feel like going with his fren.. is alright.. i just have to ask others... tat all.. so simple.. awwwwwwwww...


hmm.. walking under the rain just now.. think gonna fall sick soon leh.. haiz.. saw javier online.. i say hi to him.. den.. he offline leh.. coz he say he wan go slp.. oh well.. since already so bad leh.. i just have to keep positive!!! I AM A POSTITIVE PERSON!!! muahahahha... feeling better saying everything inside me out.. phew.. feel so nice.. hmm.. tml gonna meet stanley at yishun safra ar 2.30pm.. haiz.. sian... JAVIER!!!!!!!! go with me neh!!!! sob sob... let me selfish one time.. go hao bu hao.. hehe.. tell me the answer when u saw this wor.. i kw u will feel sad.. or even angry.. but.. tell me leh!!! i am positive de wor.. hahaha..

this post.. i write just for javier.. i am really very touch.. today, i did get emotional a bit.. but.. i am fine leh.. today, i msg him, he did not reply.. haiz.. but!! he did call me!! we chat over the phone for... 3 time today!!! and each time.. MORE DEN 2MIN!!!! well, just now.. he called me.. haha.. he asking where am i.. well, i at home la.. i use my hse phone call him ma.. of coz i at home.. where else could i be?? haha.. den he say.. "u believe i now at ur hse downstair??".. well.. i dun believe lo!!! his mum so strict.. and already so late leh.. is almost impossible for him to come lo!!! haha.. i just say.. i dun believe la!! since i think tat way... den he say... "haha.. bluff u de la.." liew.. den i tot.. he really not there.. haha.. den he say.. "what if.. i really at ur hse downstair??" gosh.. my heartbeat went fast.. can run marathon leh... U ARE KIDDING!!! hahaha.. i kw he is bluffing la.. but den.. he said.. he really at my hse downstair.. the place we sit tat nite on christmas... he den ask me to look out the window.. i look out, i saw no one.. den i run to my parent room.. den i look down the window.. also cannot see him.. well.. den i went back to the phone.. i said.. dun have!! where got!! den he said.. got!! u go see again.. well.. this time.. i open my hse door and look down.. and i saw a guy in yellow shirt down there.. i went back to the phone and ask him.. u wore yellow shirt?? TAT IS HIM!! omg.. IT IS HIM!!! i was so surprise!!!


so far.. in my 18 years of life.. no one surprise me before.. he is the first one.. it is cold out there.. very very cold.. i should have bring extra jacket down for him.. i rub his hand again.. to give him warm.. he feel warm with me in his arm.. awww.. but he still got to go.. haiz.. well.. i still shy in front of him.. still dun really dare to look at him by his face.. but den.. i try to look at him.. i think i kw why i scare to look at ppl face leh.. maybe tv show watch too much... coz everytime when 2 person look into each other eyes.. they will end up kissing!!! liew.. maybe i scare of kiss bah.. tat can explain why i a bit avoid javier.. ^^


well.. is not tat i wan to avoid his kiss.. i like his kiss.. coz i love him.. but.. SHY LA!!! liew.. cannot help it.. maybe.. after a few weeks.. i can get more.. open?? haha.. but.. thx.. i really surprise.. love you.. (*^-^*)

merry christmas.. hohoho.. christmas mean a lot to me.. when i am a little girl, i love christmas than any other day... not the present tat make me like it.. well, if it is the present, den i think i will like Chinese New Year more.. coz got more pocket money.. but.. CHRISTMAS.. i still love most.. too bad singapore dun snow.. i got one wish.. and that is to see the snow.. but in singapore.. it is 200% sure that wun see it.. maybe in the future.. we can see... since the weather is getting from bad to worst...


well, christmas mean a lot to me.. i still remember, i always help out in the RC event.. well.. christmas.. sure got me.. but now.. i all grown up now.. i stop attending those event.. is a good memories.. a childhood memories.. every year christmas.. i always celebrate in the RC event.. but when i getting older... things change.. well, previous 2 years de christmas.. i celebrate at orchard.. let me see.. 2 years ago.. i celebrate with yiru.. who is my neighbour.. i still remember we last minute went to orchard de.. if i not wrong, we walk from somerset to orchard.. but too much human.. we hardly move.. we haven reach orchard... den reach 12 midnight leh.. well.. get spray untill quite badly.. we stink too.. haha.. den last year christmas.. i celebrate with mui.. a good friend of mine.. also at orchard.. also got spray.. but not so bad la.. so.. ok ok lo..


sorry mui... this year cannot celebrate with you.. but.. the wish u make.. think wun come true so fast.. coz i found the right man in my life.. i wan to spend with him longer.. no matter u and joanna say what.. i just can't put it inside my ear... i think.. i am really in love.. anyway, unless really something big happen and make us apart.. i dun think i will leave him alone.. so.. support me ok?? (*^-^*) i need support more den cold water... hehe..


this year christmas.. i celebrate with a special person in my life.. my bf.. javier.. at 1.11am, 24 dec 2006, javier send this to me.. i not sure if he do this his own.. or someone copy paste give him.. but i am very happy to recived this..


☆　°οο０ˍˍ▊ˍˍ☆ˍˍ
．　．★／＼︽﹨︽﹨︽☆︽＼．☆
☆．　／祝　＼︽﹨︽﹨︽★︽＼°
　☆　│聖　║﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌│．▲
★　　│誕快║　田　╭┬╮田│◢█◣
　＠　│　樂║　　　│││　◢███◣
　║╓╥╥╥☆ ●　 ● ╥★╥╥╥╥▊╖
╔╩╬╬╬╬ _/█_/█_╔╩╬╬╬╬╬╬



well.. while we were chatting.. got this picture.. a picture that he draw for his ex gf.. well, coz it is his dream.. so he draw his dream out.. well, dun kw who is that gal in the picture.. but, hope it was me.. well, that gal in the picture tat he drawn, actually is the dream girl he always looking for.. well.. he also told me his wishes for x'mas.. well.. i dun kw what to do when i know his wish... is kind of shy you know.. anyway.. i told him.. what i wan is just hope that i can chat with him more, talk to him more and see him longer den ever.. that is all i wanted.. well.. i was very surprise when he said that "tml lor" which is on christmas eve.. a short time spending with me will be nice.. i feel so blessed with him.. i told him that i wish time will stop at that time.. coz i am really very blessed.. den.. haha.. dun kw is angry or not leh him.. but i kw he is joking la..


well.. he said.. before x'mas tat nite, he wanted to bring me to a place.. i feel weird... coz.. i did ask him out to celebrate with me.. but.. he said that his friend book him long ago.. well.. i was very disappointed.. but den.. when he said he wanna bring me to a place.. i of coz.. shock la.. den he told me that.. he rejected his fren.. and the whole night.. he going to spend me with me somewhere... when he told me all these.. i tears... i am very very very touch... well.. he did say he like ferrero rocher.. so... i decorate his present a bit with the chocolate lo.. but den.. he told me that the shirt i buy for him.. too small!!!!!! gosh... really very disappointed...


anyway.. i met him up at northpoing.. he told me he was at arcard.. so i thinking of surprise him.. den i went to timezone.. but i cannot find him there.. den i called him.. he say he at GV there de.. well.. he said that he will look for me at northpoint.. but.. i can't wait to see him.. so i went over to GV.. hmm.. i dun dare to go inside arcard.. hmm.. i manage to spot him inside.. i saw him with some other people.. den i more scare to go in leh.. so i waited outside.. starting i wait outside the door... but den.. too much people walk in and out.. den i feel kind of scare scare... den i walk over to another side to wait for him.. i waited and waited.. well.. i saw him.. hehe.. i hide behind the pillar... he did spot me.. and he was kind of shock... we went to take mrt.. i keep asking where he wanna bring me.. but he dun tell me.. well.. in the train i saw many many people.. we end up standing... well.. he keep staring at me.. gosh.. tat make me shy leh.. i keep look else where.. hehe..


well, we went to cineleisure.. hmmm... on the way there.. there is lots of people.. hmm.. i dun like crowded places.. so.. i grab his hand when a lot of ppl around me.. but i didn't hold long.. coz.. was kind of shy and scare.. hmm.. we decided to watch a movie.. well.. we watch "Charlotte Web".. well.. was kind of cold there.. when i feel the cold.. know what thing appear in my mind?? javier.. haha.. he is just beside me.. but den.. he appear in my mind.. do u kw why?? because he told me before that he scare of cold.. hmm.. when we get our seat.. after a little while.. i felt cold.. so i put the jacket over me.. well.. he help me... but den.. i cannot concentrate.. coz.. "he scare of cold" keep appearing in my mind.. i keep ask him.. are you cold?? are u cold?? even he say no.. i still think that he is cold.. well.. i just cannot let this go on.. so.. i put my jacket over him.. share with him.. well.. i did touch his hand.. omg.. it is so cold.. i try to give my warm to him.. hehe.. i rub his hand to keep himself warm.. well, the ice between us has broken.. we getting more closer to each other now.. now.. i can really concentrate the movie.. really very happy.. the sweetest movie i ever had.. the best movie i ever seen..


well.. after the movie.. it was like.. 11 plus.. well.. den.. he said that he wanna bring me to esplanade.. well.. so we headed to the mrt station.. man.. there was a lot of people.. well.. i was kind going to get seperate with him as too many ppl le.. den.. (*^-^*) the very first time.. he hold my hand.. (in cinema de not counted!!) well.. i feel.. happy.. someone is protecting me wor.. ^^ i am very very very pleased to have javier at my side..


when at esplanade, he said one thing.. "what if other girls take me away.. what will u do??" man.. i feel sad.. is not sad over what he said... is sad that i dun have an answer for that.. my mood kind of weird.. i keep thinking and thinking... he did notice something weird in me.. but i just simply say i was day dreaming.. haha.. what i will do?? even if there is other girls wanna take him away.. i dun have the confident to keep him at my side.. kw why?? coz.. if this thing happen.. it mean that the love we share is not strong enough to keep up together.. and i will blame myself for tat.. but den.. i wun let this happen.. coz i love him..


well.. one thing tat really DISAPPOINT me.. is that.. 12 midnight.. just pass like tat.. without me knowing it.. haiz... well... we ate mui give me de chocolate there... he did feed me.. well.. he also told me.. when a guy feed a gal.. tat mean that he willing to feed the gal for the rest of his life.. and he told me.. he willing to.. there is this touch inside me.. i did met the right guy right?? after so much of bad thing happen to me.. heaven did give me someone good to me.. thx you god.. i love you for giving me javier... oops.. tears coming out.. haha..


but den.. at that time.. i kw.. javier was sad and maybe angry??? well.. he wanted to kiss me.. but.. i rejected.. coz i am shock.. i dun kw what to do.. i not prepared.. i dun kw what to do.. i think.. tat really make him real sad.. and it discourage him a lot.. we took a walk down the bridge.. we remain silent for tat walk.. tat long 10min walk... i feel hurt.. my heartache.. but i dun kw what to do.. i feel like holding his hand and say i am sorry.. but i dun dare to... i keep looking down.. and walk... i walk behind him.. look at his back view.. man.. i really very sad.. den i think.. why i reject the kiss anyway.. i should accept it rite?? my heart wan me to accept it.. but.. i just.. scare suddenly la.. man... i dun kw what to do... i just continue to follow him untill the traffic light.. there is lot of guys.. den i feel kind of scare too.. when the green man shine.. we cross the road lo.. looking down.. looking sad.. but den.. he held on my hand.. and cross the road.. i held him close to me... i dun wish to let go.. den we went to raffle... den find a seat there.. den we start chatting lo..


man.. i really wish time can pass slower... i really wish to stay there longer with him.. he told me his story... man... i so sad... i can feel tat he is very very sad when he saying his story... i dun kw what to do to make him feel better.. i just put my hand on his face and say.. dun sad... after he told me his story, i kw how hurt he is.. i dun wan to be another one tat hurt him.. but because of his story.. he forgot what is love.. i really feel like crying on the spot.. why this guy is so hurt.. haiz.. we went to mrt station and going home.. haiz.. really dun wish to go home.. coz i wanna spend more time with him.. in the train.. i continue to hear his story.. first time in my life.. i feel that the train gone so fast.. maybe is because i no longer alone.. hmm.. when reach yishun.. he said that he will accompany me a little longer.. well.. we walk the route i always take.. den.. hehe.. i bring him to mac.. coz i wanna take some stuff.. hmm.. after tat.. he send me home..


well.. i didn't really go home.. we find a place to sit where is just below my block.. hmm.. but before he can sit down, someone call him.. well, i can't really hear what he is saying.. so i just sit down and wait for him.. he came down and sit beside me.. man!! i getting more shy lo.. he keep staring at me.. den.. i just look else where.. haha.. aiya.. javier ar.. dun anyhow think hoh.. i just shy.. den dun kw look where.. haha.. when u say ask me to look at u.. man.. i really dun dare.. but.. i was so surprise when u hug me tightly.. i dun really know what to do sia.. *shy* well.. before u go.. tat kiss.. gosh.. i cannot forget.. u say.. i seem like giving u a feeling like forcing me.. haha.. but den.. really la.. is nth la.. just tat.. i feel lost and dun kw what to do only.. but really.. i was a little stunt and stone... untill i saw u in front of me.. den i awake.. well.. see u run away to find your brother.. i look at that direction but cannot find u.. i stand outside the lift.. stone a while.. i dun kw why i stone at there.. i stand there... for abt 5min?? i dun kw why.. den i went home lo..


the christmas i have this year.. is the best so far.. thx for letting my dream come true.. i make a wish when we were sitting at esplanade.. tat wish will last forever if our love still there.. i love you javier.. i cannot promise to be with you forever.. but so long our love is still there.. i wun give up on u... i dun know what to do to make u feel that u are being love by me.. but so long i can see u.. i am very happy leh.. i love you with all my heart.. next year christmas.. will you still be with me?? awwww... muack.. u the best.. dun feel that u are useless ok?? ^^ so long u with me.. everything is gonna be fine.. hehe.. merry christmas to you.. my love..

well.. ytd was a gd day... at least.. all those disappointment and hurt i got.. pay off le.. the very last msg he send to me.. let me slp peacefully.. i didn't dream anything much.. i really very very happy ytd nite.. he keep appear in my mind.. again and again.. at least.. the story.. did start already.. enough of the introduction.. now is the story began...


was sms-ing while on my bed.. tat very msg.. really sweet me deep inside.. and i fall a sleep.. all the way sleep till morning... everyday, i will wake up in the middle of the night.. but this time.. dun have?? izzit becoz i fully let my heart off... ytd, i feel very secure.. all the love.. i got it.. really feel so blessed... just how wish time would just STOP at last nite.. never get tat happy before.. but.. time wun stop just because of me.. awww... really wish time can STOP!! T.T


i saw a missed called from him.. i so happy.. he called me?? am i having blur vision.. he did called me.. i check the time.. i abt 10min after i fall a sleep... i msg him.. asked.. why he called?? well, he said.. he wanna called me before he slp.. man..... i feel so sad... WHY i so fast fall a sleep.. if not i can hear his voice.. he sure take great courage to make tat phone call.. awwww... haiz...


well.. we were chatting ytd ma.. surprise.. tot he really will give a surprise to me today.. maybe appear at mac while i working.. gosh.. but dun have la.. aiyo.. surprise ar?? liew.. if he really did give me a surprise.. i sure very touch de.. i making him my first love.. my first and only one.. he is just so cute..... is a shy little cute guy.. and this guy is my bf.. omg.. :x


i start to look forward for his called everyday... whenever my phone rang.. i always hope is his name tat appaer.. and when is he tat called, i really very happy.. every single second mean so much to me.. well, every time, our phone chat not more den 2min.. is true tat will a bit sad la.. i always wanted to chat with him more.. talk to him more.. haiz... but i just got to bare with it..


tat msg... i wun delete away.. ^^ very precious to me wor.... hehe.. oh ya.. i heard this on tv just now on tv... Christmas is the day that u spend with your love one.. gosh.. how wish i can spend this christmas with him man.. haiz.. who knows.. he not free?? haiz.. anyway, on christmas.. i still got to pass him the present.. dun kw if he will like it.. but i still got to give.. hmmmm... dun really have christmas mood leh.. maybe.. i know where i can go to.. since everyone is so busy.. den i shell go alone lo.. tat time went to chek jawa.. the beach is so beautiful.. well.. if xiong, i think he will where i will go... haha.. tat time i ask him bring me go.. end up, NEVER BRING!! haiz.. what a disappointment.. but this time.. i not going to disappoint myself.. even if no one if going with me.. i will still go myself.. enjoy the sea breeze.. hehe.. go where de?? i dun kw.. see first bah... anywhere all got flood with couple.. sian.. i just dun like places with so many people.. haha..


haiz.. my cousin bf msn me.. asking if i wanna join them for christmas this year.. man... they couple.. den me?? lightbulb.. T.T haiz.. see first bah.. only if he will go with me... haiz... anyway... my dad.. buy 2 more box of chocolate give me.. tat make up 5 box!!!!! man.. he really wan me die... mama also nag him.. buy so much give me eat.. FAT FOR SURE.. maybe sick... haiz.. aiya.. dun kw la.. haiz..

well.. today got work.. so go work lo... haiz.. do some magic trick at work also.. today kanna shoot like crazy by stanley and xiao ming.. haiz.. keep on saying me and javier.. somemore call me Mrs Tay...... GOSH!!!!!!! but got lots of fun today also la.. but time pass so slow today.. haiz.. start to hate working liao.. maybe become more lazy??


gosh.. if a gal read my blog.. sure wanna kill jaiver.. first date... let me wait for more 1 hour... nice hoh???? the movie end late.. make me waited for so long.. haiz.. den i got no choice but to call mui for help.. not really for help la.. just entertain me.. and have a chit chat with her lo.. aiyo.. mui wanna kill javier liao.. haiz.. this time gonna make sure mui wun see javier.. if not he sure die untill very sweeee... :x hahhaa...


waited and waited.. stand at one spot for VERY long.. and when he finally appear?? know what?? i tot is a ghost.. and i SHOUT!! i shout in cineleisure!!! I SHOUTED!!! loud le.. i think mui ear wanna break also le.. hehe.. coz really loud ma.. AIYO!!! stupid javier.. scare me like tat.. he just stand beside me without making a single noise.. NO SOUND AT ALL... how can i dun scare sia!!! aiyoyoyo.. scare the hell out of me.. phew.. warn him not to do that again.. but his reply was "yeah.. will do that again".. faint sia.. hahaha...


at least he still GENTLEMAN a bit.. help me take stuff.. haiz.. today.. $80 gone le.. buy some of the christmas present ma... haiz... jialat.. money fly away..... T.T oh ya.. saw javier present.. man.. making me feel like.. haha.. nth.. this kind of stuff just keep to myself.. dun kw he will like it a not le.. not very expensive le.. liew... like what he say.. buy so expensive for someone different de... man!!!! den he is my bf.. den am i buying something very cheap for him?? gosh.... tat really make me feel weird le.. T.T


hmmm.. head for MRT lo.. but den.. he walk.. really very fast le.. if i never wear high heel.. i sure can walk his speed.. T.T but can't la.. leg pain le.. T.T hehehe.. nvm... hmmm.. his friend say today he wear untill very handsome.. den i wondering.. how handsome?? LOL!!! not bad la.. the sense at there.. handsome too.. :x lol... thick skin!!!!!!!!!! piggy!!!!!!!! lol...


well.. whole day.. meet him abt 2hours plus nia.. haiz.. a bit too short le.. sob sob.. wan to talk to him.. already so hard le.. wan to meet him.. even hard.. haiz........ den meet le.. time spend so less nia.. haiz.. today whole day best is in the mrt liao lo.. chat chat chat... hehehe.. i told him.. at least need apologise rite?? for being late!!! LOL!!! den he did say sorry to me.. aiyoyoyo.. so cute!!! :x


thick skin piggy!!! so bad never send me home... :x lol... never blame u la.. i understand... :x LOL!!! love to bully him so much!! so cute and fun.. :x we are 2 tall creature sia.. in mrt.. like catch a lot attention.. :x hahaha.. aiya.. nvm de la.. gd ma like tat.. :x wonder... when is the next time i can see him le.. haiz...

let on our way to chek jawa... see... they all chatting so fun... lol... den left me at one side.. liew...

we now on the bum boat.. hehe.. i am the student leader.. plus teacher 12 ppl.. hmmm.. bum boat not that bad... well.. i wun sea sick sia.. lol.. but den.. when reach goign to get off the boat.. TAT den is really giddy.. so shaky... blur sia.. lucky never fall inside water.. lol...

oh ya.. also quite near air port... so... we can see lots of plan flying over.. this is one of them... well.. is very very big!!! but in photo become so small... hahaha.... but is nice to see the plan take off.. and in the air.. (why like i so sua gu ar..)

i not sure if tat is pulau ubin... but is at the opposite on the bum boat... haha.. so.. shun bian take the photo lo... the cloud very very nice wor... hahaha.. i just love the cloud... hehehe.. lucky today no rain... if not we gonna go indoor activity le.. but... YEAH~! no rain~!~!

this is my boots.. well, we rent at there de.. $3 each sia.. haha.. quite ok la.. lucky got this boots.. if not.. sure die... hahaha... well.. seem like my leg is very long ar... hehehe...

well.. gonna wait for the bus to take us to chek jawa... so.. hehe.. while waiting.. why not take a photo.. kekeke... look so weird le... haiz...

oh ya.. while waiting.. i saw this tree.. it is so tall man... haha.. since it is so tall, why not take a photo of it.. oh ya.. we also saw some children playing leave.. well.. somehow they can shoot the leave high up.. den a couple of us try to play also... well... got one.. i went laughing like crazy.. wanna know why?? well.. i try shooting my leave.. muahaha.. and it shoot high.. but... muahaha.. there is ony lorry on the way coming towards us ma.. den my leave came down at the same time.. den.. muahah.. stuck in front of the lorry window.. LOL~!~! den xiao bu bu say "ruby.. u very zun le..." i went laughing... hahaha... so funny.. i also told mrs lee abt it.. she also laugh.. den i also teach mrs lee son calop(i think like this spell) how to play the leave.. hmmm.. not bad la.. he play...

see... they all also wait till sian sian liao... LOL..

yeah... now we at chek jawa... this is the very first thing we saw... haha.. this mini tiny little crab.. look so cute rite???

this is another happy crab.. haha.. can u see it is waving to u?? lol.. well.. we notice a few small crab around the area.. but.. when u look out, gosh.. tat is a amazing view... LOTS AND LOTS of crab crawling... so tiny.. and cute... hahaha.. u all should go take a look..

well.. here is a lots of oyster on the rock.. haha.. well.. on top of the rock also got other living stuff.. normally we wun care abt it... so.. remember.. dun step on the rocks at chek jawa!!! coz u might be killing lots of living things... every step u make.. can kill lots of living things.. awww.. so be EXTRA careful... oh ya.. and.. purple colour de stuff, is the egg is one thing.. i forgot the name le.. purple colour is already hatch... whereas yellow colour haven hatch.. i saw both purple and yellow colour de... so interesting.. hehehe...

oh.. this one.. A LOTS!!! this is called the Carpet Anemones... it do look like a carpet rite?? this one not tat big.. haha.. well.. i got the chance to touch it.. well, it feed on small fish.. how?? it can paralyze them.. well.. we touch it, nvm.. coz is too weak to paralyze us.. hehe.. it got a very sticky feeling.. like it wanna stick to u... i dun like the feeling... lol.. there is a lots of Carpet Anemones there... so careful and watch ur step.. u dun wan to step on it rite??

well.. this is eddie.. hey hey.. i mean the hand is eddie hand.. not the crab.. LOL... can u see green plastic on eddie.. coz it rain.. quite heavy.. well.. we have difficulties walking.. coz.. very hard to pull out our leg from the mud.. hehe.. this crab.. big rite?? but too bad.. cannot eat.. know why?? coz is just a shell.. coz crab got to abandon this shell coz they growing bigger le.. we found a couple of this kind of shell there.. big and small.. and.. for this photo, haha.. ask eddie to hold it lo..

this one is another HUGE Anemones... very clear hoh??? haha...

aiyo... this is the only FISH we found at chek jawa.. but den.. is a dead fish.. maybe because is low tide.. that why the fish is dead.. maybe this fish cannot run away in time or what bah.. haiz.. poor fish...

hehe.. this is the place we step on now.. can u see the beach.. awwwwww.. so beautiful.. hehe.. is a nice place indeed...

can see how wet my hair is??? haha.. becoz of that rain... haiz.. very very wet.. well.. cannot forget to take a photo of me at the beach right?? kekeke.. look weird... and!!! that guy behind me!! is cheng boon.. hey!! he end up in my photo!!! xiao bu bu so bad sia.. sure wanna peek at me right?? lol... see my eyes so small.. T.T

this photo is much more better.. haha.. now really can see hair very wet... hehe.. cute ma??? lalala..

this is another photo of me....... weeee.... another side of the beach...

this is another photo of the anemones... this anemones is on the beach de wor.. not in water.. haha.. look very weird le...

haha.. this is called the Sand Dollars.. look very weird also right?? not very sure what kind of marine life is this... haha.. coz i never go touch it.. haiz.. but from look, it should be hard de...

very familier rite?? is this the star fish.. but den.. they said that.. this is not a fish.. so we called it the fish star.. haha.. first time i saw fish star le... so special.. LOL..

well.. the yellow de, is the back of the fish star.. hehe.. interesting hoh??

can u see the right hand is kind of turn a bit?? well.. when a fish star is being turn upside down, they will try and turn themself back to normal.. LOL... but this fish star took very long to turn sia.. den we never wait lo.. haiz.. cannot torture it right?? so we turn this fish star back... hehe.. when a fish star is out of water, they will become very hard.. lol.. but cannot out of water too long la.. coz they will die.. lalala..


this is the Sea Cucumber... lol... is this a living thing???? omg.. i dun kw sia... look so special rite?? LOL!!! dun really dare to touch it also.. hehe.. who ask me so timid..

Sea pen... this is an animal wor... i dun believe it.. this is an animal???? omg... THIS IS AN ANIMAL!!!! haha.. look so weird again.. omg.. marine life is all so weird and special..

this is the hermit... lol... inside got some living things staying inside lo... hahaha...

this is called.. WORM!!! lol.. who also know... not very sure what kind of worm is this.. so.. just call it worm!!! hahahha... this worm.. nothing special... still the same... lol...

this is the very same hermit.... coz got water.. tat why they crawl out... hehehe.. can see it clearly ma???

LOL!! guess what is this??????? i think no one can guess it right?? is ur answer rock?? CONGRATE!!! you are wrong... this is the shit... shit from the worm... LOL!!! worm shit?? omg.. is shit!!! is really SHIT!!!

hehe.. tat is not my finger!!!! oh well.. the red red de... is called the Red Sea Cucumber... den below it.. those white white de... is the sting ray.. but is dead de... haiz... sting ray... killed the who de... sad sad...

hmmmmm.. i found this!!!!! what is this??? durian?? lol.. no la... this is the Ball Sea Cucumber.. it do look like a ball dun u think so?? hehe.. why does everything de name got one cucumber de ar?? so weird...

this is the Peacock Anemones.. well, dun look very nice rite?? hmm.. i forgot why le.. but when it open, is very nice.. very colourful.. tat is what the book show la.. haha.. i got peek at that book a little.. hehe..

wee.. this is called the Bristle Worm... well.. the teacher say cannot touch it.. coz.. i think is posionous de.. haha.. cannot touch it... this one.. super hard to see it de.. so.. WE ARE LUCKY!!!

do u all know what is this??? Egg of the water snail... omg.. snail egg.. first time see.. so... INTERESTING!!!!!! muahahaha...

holala.. like pokemon rite?? haha.. this is called the Horse Shoe Crab... this is the what u see inside.. when u turn it over..

this is the front view.. hehe.. really very special rite????? LOL!!! really look like pokemon...

SEA HORSE!!! this is the van we in.. it took us there and back... well.. this sea horse is REAL de... so.. must take photo la!! but den.. dun kw how to see if the sea horse is male or female.. dun kw how to differentia.. hahaha... even the people there also dun kw how to differentia..

well... HAVE A NICE DAY.. that is what u see when u on the was step out of pulau ubin... i took this photo first before going to chek jawa.. coz i thin by the time we going back.. it should be dark soon.. so.. take it first la!!! hahaa...

man....... really got lots of fun there.. got darker also.. haiz.. coz i wear my wrist band.. tat why 2 colour!! haha... really very enjoy seeing all the marine life... hehe.. i kw is super muddy there.. and leg got stuck a few time.. but.. is fun.. also get the chance to walk under the rain le... hehehe...

stupid javier.. stupid javier... wa liew.... say it simple.. mean me fat lo.. sob sob....... u so bad..... arghhhhhhhh..... TAO YAN NI LA~!~! i tot u so good.. will call me.. liew.............. stupid la u... T.T so bad so bad so bad.......... T.T

javier went away to chalet 1st day... and yet.. today is a terrible day for me.. as well as him.. i so excited.. when he say u wanna come overmy hse and find me b4 he went to chalet.. but i got work today.. so instead, he said that he will come to mac and find me.. from 12nn.. i waited and waited.. hoping to see him appear in front of me.. every single second pass like years.. i didn't see him turning up.. maybe he is sleeping and over slept.. so i continue to wait.. i check my phone... dun have a single msg from him.. so i continue waited.. all the way till 5 plus.. he didn't turn up after all.. no sign of him anywhere, not a single msg from him either.. well, since is so late, maybe he forgotten?? maybe he forgot what he said to me the night before.. while working, i sneak to give him a msg.. well, surprise to see what he reply.. "i am piss off".. seeing this few words at the start... i kw.. i shouldn't have msg him at all.. followed by "ur msg is another blow again".. den i start thinking.. what did i do wrong?? he did say tat he wanna come find me.. when he didn't turn up, he didn't even msg me or even call me to tell me he cannot make it.. started to feel unfair.. but i just have to understand him.. putting myself to the one to be blame, i asked him what happen?? yet he said he dun have the mood to say anything.. well, maybe he didn't know i feel hurt when see that... he wun kw since he was so angry and piss off.. end up, knowing is his mum dun let him to go chalet early, and his fren was kp him to go help him bla bla bla, den.. mine msg saying he lie when i never even ask why he didn't come look for me.. he felt sad and piss off.. but at that moment.. i also feel sad.. izzit my fault for saying he lie for never come and look for me?? but is true that he did not turn up.. not even try to explaint to me.. and does he kw how much i wanted to see him?? i so looking forward to see him.. and yet, another disppointment.. and also a blame too.. his mum dun understand him, his fren also dun understand him.. and now?? even his gf dun understand him... how wonder he so piss off.. but did he understand me when he was piss off at that moment?? i tried my best to chill him down.. and he did feel better.. but i am not.. i feel hurt.. another scar in my heart... he might be thinking "i am his gf.. i should understand him.." ya.. i really should.. but at the same time, only i understand him, and i hope he can understand me more.. i feel scare.. after he feel better, i told him "if something had happen, tell me.. let me share with u.. ok??".. i keep on go check my phone.. hoping him will reply a "yes" or "ok", but nope.. not a single msg.. another blow for me again.. izzit he wanna test weather i can endure the blow?? or what?? i have no idea.. "maybe he is busy, he is always a busy person.." i tot this way.. try not to let negative tot take over my mind.. i waited and waited.. no reply.. oh well... when i finish work, i sit in the manager room chatting with chin wee and yiyi.. do feel fun chatting so much.. but, i still wanna give it a try... i msg him again.. asking if he was having fun after all the things tat had happened.. haiz.. once again.. no reply.. man... start to feel myself like very pathetic.. at noon still happily waiting, working and chatting.. den now?? also dun kw who is me...


ytd, he read my blog... and he cried.. i feel kind of touch.. he said.. coz i keep on waiting for him.. ya, i am waiting.. even so much os disappointment i get from him, i still waiting.. i make a promise to myself.. i not gonna let this love to fail again.. i do all my best to love him.. haiz.. but in return, tons of disappointment and more disapointment.. after all these blow.. how i kw.. the worst is coming towards me.. shawn... he is making me going insane.. sooner or later i might just jump down from my hse.. i dun kw what he still wan for me.. we are over.. and that mean the end.. dun wait for me anymore.. i had enough now.. ur love now become knife cutting me into pieces.. no matter what u do, i just cannot forgive u for what u did to me.. i feel hurt enough.. just STOP IT~! just let me go..


the song... this is the song shared between me and javier.. and what u doing is hurting me.. dun get the wrong idea.. u can never become my romeo.. or liang shang bo.. when i kw u are listening to this song, or whatever u are writing in ur nick, i feel ton of hurt... u must well take a chopper and chop me into pieces... why do u wan to see me suffer so much?? like that den u happy izzit?? dun ruin this song and its significant in me.. is not something that u can replace with... and it will never... my mood went even bad... sad song play again and again in my head.. even if yiyi lappy song is outdated, the song just can make me feel better.. all the sad song.. is what i need.. things getting from worst to even worst... my blog.. i think i shouldn't let anyone know my blog address.. how i kw thru my blog, i can hurt?? seeing what shawn wrote in my cbox.. i really very confused.. what do he wan from me?? i dun kw what to do.. i am lost.. I AM LOST~!~! i feel fear.. i feel scare.. i feel lost.. i feel like "gosh.. why this kind of thing is happening on me??"... whole day.. i try to control my tears.. but.. i just simply can't control it anymore.. is too much.. why i have to overcome all this blow by myself?? what did i do wrong?? why no matter wat i do, it seem like WRONG?? i am such a failure?? haiz.. why my day become like this?? is not wat i wanted... i dun wan this.. T.T


after all this.. i really cannot take it anymore.. i ran out of mac.. 11plus.. no one is outside.. i hide myself there.. walking alone.. crying alone.. it was so quiet.. i only can hear my footstep and my heartbeat.. and the tears coming down my cheek... till, i stand outside, a place where no one can see me crying.. i wanted to msg javier so much... but i dun kw what to do.. i wan someone to be with me... i dun wan cry alone in this world where no one kw... so.. after so much disappointment i got today, i msg him... i just wanna make a bet.. see if he will call me or even reply me.. i msg him "what to do.. T.T".. he didn't reply.. he didn't call.. i tot... i really break down.. i cry hard.. alone.. outside.. i dun wan to let yiyi know.. after i control my emotion.. i went back to mac.. sitting on my favourite seat.. lie on the table.. i dun kw if i am alive or dead.. my gastric hurt.. haiz.. i try to think of other thing to prevent me from crying.. i play my game in my hp.. after playing a while, javier called.. i ran out of mac.. i dun kw should i pick up his phone.. will he say "i call u back later?" i scare.. but.. i still got to pick up... i pick up the call, i hear his voice.. my tears came down again.. i cannot stop crying.. i got so much i wanted to tell him.. tell him how scare i am.. how lost i am.. but.. everything just stop at my throat.. preventing me from saying a single word.. knowing that i am crying, i also dun kw what he thinking or feeling.. why can't i just tell him what happen.. i dun kw.. my heart telling me dun tell him... izzit becoz of all the disappointment?? i dun kw.. he said "why are u crying?? tell me what happen.. izzit becoz i never contact u??".. i am crying~! i dun feel good... i wanna tell u what is happening to me.. every single thing i wanna tell u.. but i just can't.. not a single word is coming out from my mouth.. my heart feel so hurt.. "izzit becozi never contact u", well.. since he said that.. i also wish to kw.. why he didn't contact me.. but even if i ask.. i scare i will be an unreasonable person in this eyes.. but i wish to kw.. but i still can't make myself to ask.. i very confused.. i just cry.. cry... and cry... i think he hate me being so emotional.. but, javier.. i am sorry.. i can't make myself to change.. is already a part of me being so emotional.. i am still crying while writing this blog.. well, end up, "call me back after 5min".. i start to think that it is impossible for me to use my finger to call u... after hanging up the call, i went crying again.. chin wee and yiyi somehow kw i am crying.. yiyi try to comfort me by his cheerful character.. taking a tissue, wipe all over my face... i kw he is trying to cheer me up... why only yiyi show me his hand when i am down?? i am sad.. really sad.. i can't make myself to call him.. coz what i might do is just started crying again.. instead of letting him hear how i cry.. i chose to msg him.. saying i am alright.. but i am not alright.. i need him by my side... how wish he will just pop up by my side.. i dun care how disappointed i may get in the future.. i just wish he will be with me now.. but den.. what i msg him.. seem like nothing is happening... he didn't reply.. so i send another msg over to him.. saying that i can't speak when i hear his voice.. yet again.. no reply.. no reply.. NO REPLY~!~! his gf is here crying.. hoping for some comfort from him.. but no reply.. since that is the case.. i dun wan to let myself get another blow... i stop msg him... i have enough blow today.. he maybe busy??? oh gosh.. now i really think that i cannot use tat same excuse to make me think that there is reason for him not replying me at this period of time.. i scare of calling him.. coz i scare tat he might think i am just being too emotional and he hate me being emotional.. or even saying that he will call me back later.. enough blow for today... my heart is bleeding.. too hurt..


u said that i am the first gal that cry for u.. and hearing u cry ytd... i really touch and heartbreak.. but, u just more of online chatting.. but me not.. when u chose to put down the phone and asking to chat online... i kw... i cannot chat with u on phone for long.. even if i wanted so much.. i kw.. can't... haiz... can't see u for the next so many days.. wan to talk to u also so hard... haiz... who is me now?? who can tell me.. am i just a passer-by?? i dun kw.. maybe only god know...


and also... yiyi forget to help me buy dessert... liew.. and hoh.. after i feeling better, we went supper.. it started raining... i am wet too.. well.. i am so cold.. the wind is blowing big.. we went to 110 coffee shop eat lo.. coz i am really hungry.. hmmm.. den we 3(me, yiyi and mak chin wee) chat chat lo.. chat till nearly 4am.. well, i feel a terrible pain... my gastric is acting up again.. is so hurt man~!~! i cannot really move at that moment.. but ok la.. still can make it.. den when i home, i still feel the pain la.. but i never take my medicine... hahaha.. lazy la hoh.. :x


well, den i wanna try my luck again.. yeah... javier reply back.. i went everything Woooo better... :x hahahaha.... seee.. now time is 9.26am,18 dec... lol... come edit and update yiyi part.. coz forgot write he FORGOT BUY MY DESSERT~!~! and hoh.. when we go eat supper at coffee shop, HE FORGOT BUY my drink again.. WA LAO EH... he bad sia.. T.T hahahaha... k la.. i 4 plus den slp.. den now.. got to prepare go work le.. 10am start till 3.. DIE... so tired.. T.T

well, woke up today, take a bath.. haiz... waited for him whole day sia.. he didn't msg me sia.. end up find him myself.. haiz.. gosh.. i also dun kw what to do also le.. den saw him online.. tat is when i really sad sad sia.. haiz.. maybe.. he busy?? dun kw la... haiz.. nvm... must understand... that what he said rite?? need to understand him... if not will feel like i am a worst gf..


well.. blogskin got problem.. now i change a new one le.. haiz.. i got a cut on my finger.. just now got eat steamboat ma.. get cut by the crab lo.. haiz.. so painful.. oh ya.. playing arcade there ok.. seem like i only feel happy at that time sia.. i play the drum game.. this time i try more hard de.. gosh.. i almost die sia.. phew.. lucky i never die.. but den... hand and leg.. cannot make it sia.. but having gd fun la.. eat a lot also..


i bought a christmas present today.. also also something for myself la.. haha.. haiz..... sad ar.. today on the way home.. asked javier to call me.. but den, without him reply, i also kw he cannot call de.. haiz... den bo bian.. alone walk down the dark alley.. haiz...

let me see.. today suppose to have a lot to write bah.. but my brain now is kind of blank le.. anyway, i make a bet with yiyi just now.. yiyi~!~! dun worry.. i wun let u laugh de.. u can laugh.. laugh for my happiness... hehehe... i gonna make sure u overcome it.. coz i wan my yiyi back also ma.. hehe...tat tat javier.. really can slp... slp more den 12hours.. maybe 15hrs?? and i think more den that... haiz.. waited for this piggy to wake up, really can make me dui.. hahaha.. but nvm.. use to it le.. i meant to wait in my life de la.. lalala.. anyway, he went to malaysia liao sia.. and he said that he will be staying overnight there.. liew... let me see.. he so far.. make me disppointed 2 times... and make me cry 1 time.. heartbreak?? eh... 2 times... hahaha... like a bit... weird hoh?? but... i wun allow this to defeat me.. lalala.. yiyi.. dun try to laugh hoh... u are not the winner yet... next year christmas... u will see~! hahaha...


hmmmmm.. went to mac just now... the way to mac.. is a very scary road le.. everything so dark.. maybe becoz i wear my spec?? haha.. keep feel like somebody is following me.. anyway.. i am safe la.. went supper with yiyi.. but i eat only la.. den yiyi send me back home lo.. well.. long chat with yiyi sia.. i can see the sadness in his eyes.. those.. cannot put in words de feeling..ytd, i hurt my leg.. now.. blue black liao.. haiz.. i went to popular ytd... well, since i bring enough money.. i thinking of buying TSGS... but den.. the Q is so long... somemore.. the cashie machine is down.. den everyone is using their HANDs and write down the code and something like tat de la.. man.. really dun wanna wait lo.. ma fan... den.. i accidentally.. hit the corner of the table.. the table was abt my knee height.. tat why i hit it.. my skin came off... it didn't bleed.. but, was in pain.. den now blue black.. haiz.. why i always hurt myself de sia?? i dun kw le...haiz........ a guy will never know what a girl is thinking de la.. haiz............


gosh... i suddenly feel.. so weird.. feel so uneasy... can someone tell me what to do?? why everything was like.. PROOF.. change le.. all different liao?? or am i just not use to having someone by me side?? i cannot hide anyway... and one more thing.. whoever is reading my blog.. pls kindly keep all this as a secret.. coz i dun wish to let anyone kw abt it.. if u cannot promise to keep it as a secret.. pls leave my blog at once.. i dun wish to have more trouble...


i feel very uneasy now.. i take this as a true one.. my very real First Love.. but den.. why some bad thing keep on going thru my brain??? things like.. a relationship becoz have a bet with fren, or like.. wan to target one person den play a while den break off... why do this kind of stuff appear in my mind now.. and i really letting too off towards him?? why do i feel that anytime will get 2 timer.. oh come on.. what the hell is happening.. i lost the sense of secure??? well, is kind of unfair to think like this rite?? but den.. i really feel very uneasy.. izzit becoz i dun kw him long enough?? i feel blank now... i not getting emotional.. but den.. girls ma.. sure very sensitive de.. gosh.. what to do.. what a gf should do is just understand what their bf wanted right?? know what is more important for them.. why do i feel like.. i letting him do all his stuff his wanted, but.. like letting his heart go away too.. freedom - a sense of freedom.. since i was little girl.. i always tell myself.. my bf.. i will give him freedom.. well.. i think i am giving him now.. haiz.. and.. he really too guai liao.. coz what i say he all listen.. how wish he will sometime dun listen to me.. what does a bf mean?? what does a gf mean?? a person tat is special?? ya.. is true.. but i feel scare scare now le.. T.T this is the very first relationship i getting serious in.. maybe that is why i feel scare??? den all the negative stuff all appear in my mind.. see too much failure eg le.. i will do get affected also...


he wanted see my blog.. i dun allow.. coz i scare what i said on top might hurt him.. well.. cannot run away from it too.. but.. when i decided tat i wanted to tell him what my blog address is.. he went offline le.. that really feel bad.... gosh.. i getting emotional again.. hahahahahaha.. he got to tolerate my emotional side.. coz i am an emotional person.. if he like me, i wan him to like the way i am.. i used to change myself to what others wan me to be.. but i found out that i not happy at all.. i dun kw what to do le.. i feel lost.. newbie in relationship, do make me feel like i dun kw what is love.. dun kw what is relationship about... but i dun wanna run away... why it is like, i wanna tie him to me.. tat is selfish rite?? guys wun like to be tie.. bla bla bla...


ok... think in 2 shoes... what will he feel?? simply feel that his gf, is too sensitive, over react, think too much... what will i feel?? lost, scare, lack of secure.. haiz... all this is a MUST to overcome.. if something must do to this.. start from me bah.. let me ask myself.. did i really think too much?? i am a newbie(excuse), that why... haha.. see.. a gd excuse.. liew.. where can like tat de sia.. sian... wait a minute.. why do i think so many stuff anyway?? maybe i really getting too serious that i dun even kw it.. i did feel hurt sometime.. but i just have to bare with it.. just hope he can just pay a little bit more attention to me... haha.. that what all gals wanted rite?? since now my heart have being reformated, and now occupied... i just make sure the person staying inside will be a gd one.. someone that wun anyhow take a knife and play inside..


Can we last?? that what u ask me just now.. i feel hurt to see that.. but.. why do u need to think abt that?? a phrase "in the couples world, the time... is STOP..." since time is stop.. how long do u think we can last?? have confident in urself.. let the confident in u give me confident to really fan xin jiao gei ni.. i will be waiting for u to come back.. i kw i being waiting for so long... do u think remember?? thursday?? starting u were saying u wanna come and find me.. but u said that u were tired.. so i asked u to go home rest?? haiz.. do u kw.. how much i wish u to appear in front of me when i was sitting in starbuck at the particular seat?? but u didn't appear.. hahaha.. it did disappoint me.. sitting there, wondering have u reached home?? have u feeling better since u say u wan faint.. well... the whole thursday really disappoint me a lot wor.. but u dun have to feel bad.. u not worthless.. u are priceless.. u not useless.. coz u are someone important.. but till the end of the day, i still hope for u to appear.. but i kw u wun... but at least got june pei wo.. well, i got plan de... actually i wanna surprise u by pop up from no where in school to fetch u from school.. but den.. somehow i dun have enough courage to do that.. den... i dun kw what to do when i just meet u like tat.. so i ask june to pei wo till u pop up from somewhere.. coz u said that maybe u will meet me up the day before.. 50:50... well.. end up it fall towards the 50% tat wun come... all the worry i have, seem like nothing... why i need to worry so much anyway... wan give surprise... yet dun dare to.. wan to meet him.. yet scare dun kw what to say when face him.. i was so nervous when u was about to come find me... nervous till i also dun kw what to say... haiz.. but end up u didn't come.. why it seem like i keep repeating the same thing??


lalala...is 3am in the morning now.. i can't slp... i haven really get to kw what is love yet... i dun wan all this negative tot to overwrite what i dream of.. all the happy stuff, only in my dream den can see.. knowing what surprise he wanted to give me.. i already very touched.. he dun really need to do tat anyway... tml will be a long day... got to go out with sze peh... after that in the evening go marina south steamboat again.. everytime steamboat.. june always cannot make it.. sure got things pop up.. so suey... haiz... tml keep me out of all the negative tot.. from noon play all the way to nite.. maybe i can go to yishun pond tml?? after i reach yishun.. so long never being there.. miss the view there.. there is a place tat i love most.. sian.. feel like going now.. but sure get scolded by my parent for going out now.. going out now is not a problem.. the problem is alone... i dun like to be alone.. i am scare to be alone..


haiz.. feel better now... after letting out all of what i wanted to say.. phew.. feel better le.. sry javier.. if u feel hurt.. just dun care what i wrote here.. haha.. (*^-^*)

haiz... today.. i feel very sad.. the reason... nvm... haiz... i just drank vodka.. aiyo.. now a bit drunk liao sia.. haiz.. so lonely.. no one chat chat with me.. what can i do?? i only can build sandcastle in the air.. man.. the sense of secure a bit lost liao sia.. T.T


haiz... sian.. dun really kw what to write..

man........ my mood went down down down down down... sian.... today most happy de thing is that i can walk under the rain.. hmmm... it feel very nice walking under the rain.. but everytime will have something with me that cannot touch water.. haiz.. if not.. how wish i can walk under the rain for few hours.. T.T


well.. when reach home.. i dun really care abt me hair.. just change my clothes.. and left my hair wet.. haiz.. think wun sick bah?? everytime when come to exam.. i sure have high fever de le.. maybe burn midnight oil too much that why... haiz..


gosh...... i have no mood to study at all.. for 2 days liao le.. ytd... 12 midnight plus plus.. den i can study... but den.. now.. DIE LO.. cannot study.. haiz... tian ar.. holiday mood??? sian... miss lazy come find me le.. how sia.. getting more and more lazy.. where is the motivation... i need some motivation to keep me awake and working.. gosh.. if this continue to go on.. i might become just like my brother..


well.. i thinking.. should i accept him?? let me see.. he do hse chores.. can cook.. bla bla bla.. can drive too.. this kind of guy.. extinct?? haha.. and one thing very important.. he super THICK SKIN... more thick den xiong.. more thick den elephant skin.. man..... he really.. can make me go bang wall.. REALLY..


oh ya.. hosan.. i love talking to him.. hehe.. he very nice to bully.. school work also very gd.. i like to disturb him a lot sia.. disturb him super fun.. hehehe.. he is a very nice teamate.. and also a very good fren.. anything dun kw.. can ask him de sia.. den he sure got answer to reply back.. haha.. so pro de fren.. MUST HAVE~!~!


haiz................. i am dead..........

well.. i got another book.. to write some feeling inside.. maybe.. some stuff.. is not good to write in here.. so.. i write in tat book.. and also.. i can write all thing inside... at that period of time.. haha..


oh well... today EL tech exam.. i die at the superposition rule.. coz i blur.. and stuck.. gosh.. 9 marks question.. T.T oh well... when i get out of the examination room, i recieved a sms from acer.. it said tat i can collection my lappy.. well.. i went to acer lo.... i took bus 52... and guess what.. i sit over stop... man.. got to walk super far le.. T.T


glad that my lappy is ok now.. haiz.. now i haven even started studying my math.. gosh.. what to do sia.. haiz..... nvm..... die lo.. T.T


oh ya.. i went northpoint today.. meet up yc.. we go took neoprint also.. maybe will uplaod the photo tml?? haha.. well.. coz my scanner is not working now..... coz need to restart computer den can use.. but den i downloading games.. so cannot restart.. need to dl 4hours plus le.. wa lao.. so long.. T.T


hmmmm.. surpise... somebody wanna jio me.. gosh..... what the hell.. what to do le..

i got a dream today.. very super weird dream.. i dream that tamahome is my bf... haha.. and i got a fight with him.. and i was so sad.. and dun kw why.. end up i crying in his hug.. aiyo.. dun kw what the hell is happening.. anyway.. after that.. got a super duper weird dream... was like some kind of adventure.. and.. ONE super funny and cannot forget thing happened.. know is what?? horse~! well, what so special abt the horse?? i tell u what... the horse.. wash clothes... oh man~! super funny lo.. the horse sit down and than den its mouth and hand to wash.. omg.. what a weird dream..


aiya.. today i pon sch.. haha.. lazy to go school for the just 2 hours math lesson where i dun kw what the teacher is talking about... well... asked eddie to come over to mac and study lo.. but dun kw why very noisy... haiz... feel kind of sorry abt it lo.. coz normally dun have much ppl at that time de lo.. haiz... haiz.. anyway, eddie didn't talk much today.. i wonder why... haiz.. anyway, i got no idea wat is happening anyway.. haha..


play basketball with uncle martin.. i play pressure with him.. man.. i lost him.. i win him 1 round.. he win me 2 round.. liew.. i still owe him one drink le.. so bad... gosh.. really sian now.. so much stuff to do.. haiz.. never really study today.. end up i go watch happy feets with sze peh and mark.. wa liew.. but the show is very nice la.. got touch me.. haha.. funny also.. buy so much stuff also... man.. today spend a lot neh.. haiz..


sian.. a part of me is like gone missing.. oh man..