Thursday, October 31, 2013

Don't blame me when I'm gone.

 

One of my pet peeves is when someone tried to put words into my mouth. I mean like seriously, the first one or two times you may have meant it as a joke, so okay, fine. But if you keep going on and on about it, despite having shown my displeasure, then it starts to get very irritating especially since the words didn't come out of my mouth and you're just drawing your own conclusions. Damn.


One of my reservist mates yesterday commented on how I'm different than the rest of the group of similar race to mine. I don't know should I be happy or sad about this.

While another mate pointed out that it must be sian to have your phone being silent all the way with no one contacting you. He said he feels the same as how I'm feeling now before he got attached. Wow, I was just speechless.

Interesting things do happen when you're away on reservist..

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 9:55 PM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Maybe not today, but one day.

 

Sometimes I do wonder, what does the future holds for me? For instance, what will I be doing 5 years down the road? Will I stay in my current job but at a higher level, or will I be doing something else instead? Will I go home to the arms of my newly formed family, or will I still be going home to my single sized mattress? Age is catching up and I suppose it's kinda natural to think about this thing. The talks with my reservist mates further provide food for thought on this matter.

Life is too short and precious to waste. I'm no longer young. It's time I take things more seriously.

Of course, all these ultimately lie with the answers to what do I really want, and if and when the right person appears in my life.

Even if I don't have all these now, I believe I'll have them in time to come. I must continue to believe for that's one thing that will keep me going in life.

On a side note, I have promised myself that no matter what happens, no matter what shit life throws at me, I will try to keep on smiling, even if it's killing inside. For I believe, if you force yourself to smile, after a while, the anger or hurt inside you will relent and you'll eventually become better, and happier.

Maybe not today, but one day..

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 12:00 AM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Saturday, October 26, 2013

One year has passed

 

26th October 2012 - The day when my heart was shattered into pieces, where for a moment, I can't find a reason to live anymore.

Today, one year later, I'm a much better person. So much has happened between then and now. The sudden emptiness in me, the trying-hard-to-compromise situations, relapses are some of the things which have accompanied me during this period. And today, I'm happy to say that I have moved on. I've actually told myself that one year is the maximum time I would give myself to get over this, after knowing that there's no way of going back to how we used to be. Thus, I've met my target. In fact, I've achieved it few months before it's due.

Well, this is all possible mainly cos of the people I'm surrounded with, with their ever so encouraging words and advices, and trying their best to distract me from thinking about stuffs which I shouldn't. To all these people, you know who you are, and I'm very very thankful for that.

I never thought that I could do this. I was a little skeptical that I'll be able to move forward after everything that has happened. Now, I want nothing more than just to see you happy. We may not be destined to be together, but you'll always remain the person who taught me how to love, how to appreciate the ones you love and how to be a man. You are, and will always be, my first love. Whatever the things we've gone through together, good or bad, they have helped me to grow as a person. And for that, I'm thankful to have met you, even if we are not ending our life journey as lovers. Whatever happens, I'm glad that you have once come into my life, letting me have a taste of what it's like to love and be loved. 

I used to have much questions and hatred within me. But then I think that things happen for a reason and I've accepted that. Now, I want nothing more than to see you happy with the person you love. Whoever you are with in the future, you can be rest assured that I'll give my utmost blessings to you and your partner. And this comes from the bottom of my heart. For, after all that have happened, you'll always be a very good friend of mine, CS.


After all that have happened the past week or so, and after taking time to relax the mind at a couple of incredible places, I've told myself that I shall remain positive to whatever shit life throws at me. Even if I have many flaws, even if I'm being accused of one thing or another, I will still proceed to do the other things that have been known to be good in nature. I will and I have to, for I want to make the most of whatever time I have available here. If I leave, I would want to leave in a positive way, and not the opposite.

Lets be positive!

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 6:51 PM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Friday, October 18, 2013

Apabila matahari tidak lagi bersinar di dalam hidupku..

 

Mistakes made, one after another, is costing me a friendship which I've valued very much.

The previous matter has affected my r/s with another dear friend of mine.

Maybe it's true, that I'm nothing but a liar.

That I just say out craps and bullshits to the people around me.

Well, maybe this is prove that I'm not a nice guy as what some people had believed.

It seems that I'm losing friendships one after another. Maybe I'm really fated to be forever alone. If I can't even keep the friends around me, how can I ever hold a romantic r/s with someone?

The feeling of losing this friend, though, somehow feels more painful than a normal break-up.

I'm sorry for having failed you, as a person and as a friend.

Sampai disini sahajakah kisah kita berdua?

:'(

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 10:35 PM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Despair

 

Well, guess what dear diary, shit happens again on this very day one year on my heartbreak. It seems as if the curse of raya has strike again for me. It's already bad enough that I'm unable to spend this day with my family cos of work and now this shit happens. Maybe it's a mistake that I did not push hard enough for my leave on this day.

Why do people like to jump to conclusions? Why do they like to assume? Why do people think I'm lying when in fact I'm not? Why didn't they clarify before thinking otherwise? Why do people forget that I have feelings too? If I keep taking care of others' feelings, who will take care of mine? Siapa akan jaga hatiku ini? I'm sensitive too, so who will then care about my interests and this little heart of mine?

Trust, for me, is a very important aspect in any relationship. If you couldn't trust the very words I said, especially when you have a chance to clarify and you didnt, then there's no point in this.

I'm confused, hurt and feeling despair.

I'm depressed.

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 1:43 AM 2 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Monday, October 14, 2013

Home sweet home, or maybe not.

 

Yes, I'm back. And I'm tired. Tired that I could lie on my bed and fall asleep within a few minutes.

Came back to Singapore yesterday, and went out of it again to play paintball with the colleagues at JB earlier today. It was quite a fun day with many hours of playing time and laughters. And fortunately, I didn't have much bruises as souvenirs.

The erratic weather wasn't as nice though. I mean, it's better from lunch time onwards after the short spell of rain. But I started to feel giddy and have blurred visions after the first few games in the morning when the sun was scorching hot. Luckily, I managed to cool myself down and survived.

When people starts to notice your behaviour, I'm not sure whether that is a good or bad thing. I mean it can be good cos it means they care for you. But bad cos it means you're not able to hide whatever thoughts you have on your mind. I got that today. I was said to be very quiet today. Maybe I'm just tired, both mentally and physically with not enough rest. Maybe, I'm just thinking of what happened the day before.. the mistakes I've made. I'm sorry that I keep making you upset. I never meant for this to happen..

Now that I'm back, I have this even stronger feeling that the time is ticking down on me. That the time will be up soon for me. The rumours keep on coming and I hate that. Can I don't go? :(

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 12:09 AM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Ending..

 

With a blink of an eye, it's my last night here in Bkk. Time has passed so fast when you're occupied with things.

I'm not ready to go back; not now. I came here hoping to relax my mind, hoping to get some peace and serenity inside me. Yes, I did some shopping and sightseeing which was one of my goals for this trip. But other than sleeping, I haven't had much time to myself to just sit/lie down and relax while enjoying the view and straightening out my thoughts or reminisce about the good and bad that have happened recently. Somehow I don't have the time to that. Cos me being me, thinking about every other ppl other than myself first. Sigh, when will I ever learn.

Despite my reluctance, I have to go back tmr, for one reason or another. But the next time I'm going abroad, no matter to where and when,  it shall be a promise that I shall dedicate some time to myself just to relax, take in deep breaths and just enjoy the surroundings. I really need that. 

The break that I really sought and was looking forward to, continues to be just a dream. I'm tired.

Every good thing does come to an end. They always do..

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 2:12 AM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Something is missing..

 

Sawadika! Greetings from Bkk! Heh

Didnt have the ideal start i would have hoped earlier in the day. Spend half and hr trying to find/call a cab to the airport. Was advised by the Sats that the name on my flight ticket is not correctly reflected (like wth! not even my fault. lol.). The steward forgot about my meal on the airplane until i reminded him (how sad!). 

Nonetheless, reached bkk at about 2pm local time. To the complimentary transfer to the hotel and then head out again for some sightseeing. And now back in the hotel with nothing to do. Feeling a little boring. Lol.

There's one good thing though. Ms laugh-a-lot is here with me to keep me company! Weeeeee! Lol 


The same sun is observed by everyone in every part of this earth. But somehow, the sunshine here feels different.

3 more days...

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 12:00 AM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Tuesday, October 08, 2013

Nice surprise

 

Earlier today, I received one of the most wonderful surprise I've ever gotten. It's a care bear! Hehe. To the person who gave me this, you may not be reading this blog of mine, but this was very sweet of you! The bear, the meanings and the reason why you bought it for me.. means a lot to me. I'll promise to treasure it for as long as I can. Thank you, you. :)


I think I've iterated in several of my posts on how I've always valued friendships and my reluctance to let go of them until for some reasons or another, I couldn't. Besides family, friends are what that keeps me going every single day of my life. Each and everyone of them do bring me smiles from time to time. Well, some provides more than others, of course. But everyone of them makes my life more interesting and meaningful.

So, I suppose it's no surprise that I'll feel emotional about it whenever I feel that I'm on the verge of losing one. When friendship is put on the line and I had to make a choice, most of the time I would do my best and do whatever it takes to hang on to them. But sometimes, I am presented with a very difficult choice, especially if it concerns the feelings of other parties.

I know you've been feeling bad, guilty and all. I'm sorry that you're feeling that way. I didn't mean it to happen. I'm someone who believes in fate. Maybe it's fate that has brought us together. And experience has also taught me not to live in the world of "what ifs". It will only cause sadness cos you know that you can never rewind back the time to find out if indeed the "ifs" can become a reality. So, as far as possible, I've always tried to distant myself from imagining an alternate world of "IFs".

I have always treasured every second that we have shared in this friendship. Each and every thing that you've done means a lot to me. You've made me happy, made me alive again when I didn't believe that I could. You, have saved me. But if it indeed comes to the point that you've made a decision that eliminates what we have, then I shall respect that. As your friend, I ought to respect your decisions, even if it hurts me in the process. But, deep in my heart, I certain hope that day never comes. For I love you, my sunshine friend, and I do not want to imagine the pain of losing a friend.. great friend.

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 12:56 AM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~

Thursday, October 03, 2013

Control my emotions, I must.

 

Sometimes, you need that little punch to the chest, that little hurt in your heart, to wake you up from your fantasies and face the reality.

I received that earlier today.

Probably it's for the best that I was made to realise early. Rather than immerse myself with fantasies and what not, and then got drown that I might not be able to save myself.

It has been a wonderful a couple of months so far. I had never thought that I could be happy again.

But I must remember that there are boundaries to be observed.

As I've promised you earlier today, I will try to be happy even when you're not around. Be it today, or in the near future.



Kau adalah mimpi, 
kau adalah cinta abadi walau tak harus aku miliki.

 

 

posted by AnDy AriEn at 12:59 AM 0 comments ~~Love is the emblem of eternity; it confounds all notion of time~~