The date has arrived again. 30th July. It holds many memories. Almost every year, I'll update this blog when this date comes. From passing my driving license on my first try when I was 18th to my very first heartbreak the year before. I was naive, misled and felt somewhat betrayed then. It took me about 1.5 years before I could go over it. Yes, it was the most depressing moment I have had in my life, before last October's tragedy. Many years have passed since that fateful year of 2003, but it seems I've still not learnt my lesson. I am still naive, easily misled and betrayed as last year's episode proved. In that aspect, I guess I haven't really grown up. Every heartbreak always leaves me with questions more than answers. Ahh.

I feel so shagged right now. Still feeling the tiredness from yesterday's baking session probably. Spent 9 hours with the oven. Feeling some sense of achievement after managing to bake two types of cookies for hari raya, yet feeling very tired too. Kept yawning the whole morning shift earlier. And felt asleep a couple of times too while watching the movie in the cinema.

Things at the workplace is somewhat different now. The mood isn't that great. Even though there may be laughters and jokes at certain times, the atmoaphere isnt the same as before. This sucks and I don't like this. 

Maybe I should be less concerned about the things happening around me.

More often than not, I'd quickly and readily lend my listening ear, whenever I got to know that my friends are troubled, sick or feeling down. Even if I'm preoccupied with things myself.

I'd try to comfort and offer whatever advice I could give.

I'm not sure if any of these helped to cheer them up or make them feel better but that's how I would react when the people around me don't feel so well.

Maybe it's a mistake to do so.

I know that when you do things, you shouldn't expect anything in return. But sometimes I wonder, I've been trying my best to make the people around me feel better when they are down, when it comes to my turn, will they do the same for me?

Recent experiences tell me no.

Sometimes, I'm tired of this being a one way street. The phrase, "Do unto others as you would have them unto you," has somewhat lost its meaning.

Maybe I should care less. Or maybe, I'm expecting too much? I don't know.

Can't wait to meet up with my colleagues later for some games of football, hoping that it will rid off some of the negativity that's residing in me.

Ciao.

I really needed a hug now. I used to be able to get one when I'm feeling down. It used to give me comfort, letting me know that things will be okay. But now, I can't. A major relapse is happening. I can't stop thinking about the past no matter how hard I've tried.

Feeling depressed.

A few days ago was the farewell for one of my colleagues. Had a little makan session to commemorate this event. It's sad when the person you've been working with for quite some time departs to somewhere else. The bond that you've shared with certainly counts for something. Furthermore, I'm never good with goodbyes, be it for myself or for someone else. Well, this time it's his turn. Who knows, it'll be my turn soon too. I'm not sure what will happen during my own farewell (if there ever is). Probably have to prepare some tissues, just in case.

Had another one of those good-dream-but-all-it-is-is-just-a-dream dream last night. The dream that we were back to our mischievous selves, doing the things we sometimes did, together. In the dream, I had a hunch that I was dreaming, so I tried to pinch myself. When nothing happened, I thought it was for real. The harsh realisation came when I finally woke up to the sound of my alarm clock. It's just another dream. It didn't stop me from shedding a few drops of tears though. :(

One of my colleague teased me about something the other night. A year ago, that would have brought a smile on my face. Even though there wasn't anything official, I was always happy when my soccer buddies or other friends mentioned or teased me about it. Not this time though. I had to force a smile, but inside, I could feel the pain.

It will be year since that fateful day, in a few months time. Half of me has improved and gained acceptance, while the other half is stuck in limbo, not knowing what to do. Maybe I should stop pretending to myself that everything is fine. That everything is all right. Maybe, I should seek help...

I feel like a song without the words
A man without a soul
A bird without its wings
A heart without a home
I feel like a knight without a sword
The sky without the sun
cos you are the one

I feel like a ship beneath the waves
A child who's lost its way
A door without a key
A face without a name
I feel like a breath without the air
And every day's the same
since you've gone away

I gotta have a reason to wake up in the morning
You used to be the one that put a smile on my face
There are no words that could describe how I miss you
and I miss you everyday

I know I had planned to start writing some stuff for my project while waiting for this IPT to start, but since I'm not in the right mood, I've decided to update this blog of mine.

Went to the Teachers' Investiture Ceremony at NIE on Tuesday that marked the milestone of beginning teachers as they embark on a meaningful journey of teaching. Met up with Christine as well as bumped into several friends from sec sch and NUS who were graduating too. I was fortunate enough to be able to view the ceremony from inside the auditorium due to last minute availability of tix. Thanks! I think the speakers made several important advices and shared some meaningful quotes on teaching. One of which is something to do with teachers not being an educator but an awakener. Wow.

Somehow, the ceremony made me remind myself of my undergrad days. I realised I miss being in a school. Sure, there are constant stress that you have to deal with when deadlines of assignments and projects are due. But I guess this, together with the friendships that you have forged and the time you spent with your close ones, are ultimately what made the journey a meaningful one. I've worked hard during the 4 years in uni and needless to say, that is what brings me to where I am today. I'm not shy to say this but I'm proud of myself that I was able to achieve my desired goals, in terms of education. I'm happy that I was able to make my family, especially my parents, proud.

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Rumours, they are never a good thing. Mainly because you never know whether the content is true or otherwise cos they are, well, mainly rumours. If there's one thing that I've learnt from my previous relationship is that you shouldn't doubt your own ability and that you should not think that you're not ready. You'll never know until you've tried it for yourself. I didn't, and till date, it's one of my biggest regrets in life. Well, I don't know how true this rumour is but if and when the time comes, I'll make sure that I'm ready to take up the challenge. If it's fated for me to move on to other places, then so be it. I shall not complain.

Friendzone - a term that I discovered a couple of years ago while browsing through 9gag, FB and other parts of the internet. I used to always laugh whenever such term is used in pictorials or sketches, especially those on 9gag as I find it funny. The humour is lost when one falls into the exact same situation as described in the posts at 9gag, i.e. he becomes friendzoned. Well, this is probably why I don't surf those sites anymore. I know that instead of making me laugh and humouring me, I will feel down instead as I browse through the friendzone posts, as well as those NSFWs, as they brings back painful memories. They aren't funny anymore.

I wasn't having the best of mood and I made the big mistake of looking through our exchange of smses for the past one year. Without a doubt, while scrolling through, there were tons of things that I missed doing. From the nicknames that we called each other, to the things that we did with one another. Needless to say, the mood plummeted 10x further. Damn. I guess what my friends have been telling me is true. I'm just a dumb and stupid person.

Sesungguhnya aku sedang berpuasa.

Sometimes, I hate to have good dreams. Especially the ones you know you'll never have them in your life again. Yes, as the title of this post suggest, that's the dream that I had. The dream that we held hands again. It felt so real and all but when you woke up, you have to face the harsh reality that it's nothing but just a dream. Makes one emo when he wakes up only. Oh well. What to do. LLST. Haha!

Things aren't that rosy at work. There are issues to be addressed. Well, human relationships are complex. Different people reacts differently to the same situation. Being good at man management comes with experience. And I guess you could say that it's a "good" experience I'm having now. That being said, I still feel bad that I don't seem to be able to do anything to improve the situation. Ahh, this sucks.