Sleeping at last - Touch (LYRICS video)

on surviving

for the past three weeks i've been in survival mode.

after a lot of thinking and praying and talking it out with loved ones, i decided to come off antidepressants i have been taking for 13 years. 13 years! that means i started it when i was 17, still a baby. so much has happened in my life since then, both trauma AND healing and even the physical make up of my brain has changed.

the medication i was on (i switched from paxil to cymbalta when i was 20) has only been on the market for 12 years so i am one of the people in the country that has been on it the longest. not only is it prescribed for depression, but also for nerve and back pain. the FDA doesn't have many studies done on the effect of the drug if you've been on it more than 2 years, because a 2-3 year study is their typical requirement. so needless to say, no one knows what could happen or how i could feel.

usually being on an antidepressant for more than two years at a time with out some kind of re-evaluation is bad practice. our brains don't always need that extra help all the time, just for major episodes of depression that occur, unless otherwise decided by a psychiatrist. some people genetically suffer from depression so being on this type of medication is essential. however, that is not me. at this point in my life, i really don't need it.

in my case, no one actually followed me on the medication, i guess i got lost in the system. i've had a few doctors and finally have a primary care doctor locked in and he continued to prescribe me the medication with no follow up. i don't fault him, because he didn't really know my whole history and i could've been more educated on this as well. it's just a lack of knowledge i suppose.

the withdrawals make me feel like a drug addict. dizziness, hot/cold flashes and chills and sweats (sometimes happening all at once), nausea, diarrhea, etc. the "restless legs" feeling that hits me is terrible. my sleep cycle has completely changed; i stay up late now and i have to fight myself to get up in the morning. i was used to going to sleep early and waking up early, i've always considered myself a morning person, but now i don't know.

then there's what's going on in my head: irritability, moments of extreme rage, very low lows, self deprecating thoughts. my highs are just my normal, happy self. i think i am a naturally happy person but now i have to work extra hard to be happy and that's probably the hardest part. hard days at work are the worst because when i get home i have nothing left in me to take care of myself--my head, my heart, my body. it's really hard going from really in tune with yourself to not knowing what to expect next.

because i started this medication when i was a teenager, i have no baseline as to what normal happy adult drea is. i try not to think about the what ifs...what if i had a doctor/psychiatrist/friend who could've brought this up earlier? i've spent so much time in my life telling myself that i wasn't crazy even though i had these "weird thoughts" (anger, anxious, etc), which have turned out to be a scientifically proven side effect of cymbalta. when friends in the medical field have found out i was taking cymbalta they've asked me how it made me feel--if i had these "weird thoughts".

vitamins and supplements have helped me get through this and thankfully i've already developed healthy habits and coping techniques. the times i experience feeling like my normal self give me hope, those happy moments assure me i won't feel so all over the place forever, but i know this will probably be a very long process. my brain is getting stronger and learning how to be independent, it's remapping itself and i think that's a good thing.

i wish i had some kind of timeline but i like to think i'm getting better every day, even if it's two steps forward and one step back. i know i will eventually come out of this and i will be just fine but for now it's survival mode as i try to sort this all out.

source

“But life isn’t something that should be edited. Life shouldn’t be cut. The only way you’ll ever discover what it truly means to be alive and human is by sharing the full experience of what it means to be human and each blemish and freckle that comes with it.” Iain Thomas

Mumford & Sons - Below My Feet - HQ Studio

love letter to utah

i've traveled a lot in my life and have lived in a few different cities. utah is my home now, i've lived here longer than anywhere else. it has treated me well throughout the years and every time i leave, though i love exploring wherever i go, i'm always happy to be back home.

i love the four seasons and the lack of bugs. the constant improvement and the kindness of the people. farmers markets and the hard working people that make those happen. farmers and fresh produce. the lakes and mountains. the list can go on and on and on.

lately i've met people who are appalled that i've lived in provo for so long. apparently it has this "peter pan" connotation---if you live here as a single adult, it means you don't want to grow up. i don't believe this is true because i feel like i am an adult. i have a job, a nice place to live. car and phone payments. i set goals for myself. these things happen in other cities across america so i'm not sure what the difference is.

i'm super grateful for the beauty that surrounds me, what God has created. the mountains supply me with hikes and runs and mountain biking. flora and fauna. adventures.

all in all, utah is a pretty great place and i'm so glad i live here.

this week

two things on my mind this week:

--when was the last time you did something for the first time?

--"we are what we repeatedly do. excellence, then, is it not an act, but a habit." -aristotle

first day of autumn

i have so so many posts that i've started but never finished and maybe someday i'll get around to finishing it all. i'm looking forward to fall and the changes of the seasons, it seems like autumn goes so quickly and winter lasts forever. every time it starts to get darker earlier, it's like i have to relearn that that's a thing, that the sun starts going down sooner and i can't run or be outside as late as i'm used to. it's time for tea, and staying in and reading, enjoying rain storms, and maybe taking a nap or two.

the mountains are changing, too, the plants and animals know without our help that it's time to slow down, let things take a time out, so they can regrow in the spring. i get a lot of hope from that.

everyday i am grateful for all of the wonderful people that surround me, the joy i feel, the creation i get to look at and experience, and all of the other things that God has blessed me with. gratitude is something i plan to never lose my grip on. i mean, i'm not perfect, so maybe i will, but i don't expect to.

there have been a few times in my life when i've looked back and seen how everything has connected to get me to where i am.

The Head and the Heart - Josh McBride

the summer of drea

this summer has been the BEST. let me tell you why.

first, it started with an epic trip to southeast asia where i saw and did things ive never seen or done before. also fell in love with cambodia and i can't wait to go back.
lots of trips to the mountains and we all know how i feel about nature.
exploring jackson hole. how lucky am i that i got to go twice?!
consuming at least 5 watermelons
running and yoga. yunning. roga.
THE OLYMPICS
visits from family and friends
guitar for my birthday=guitar lessons and i am in LOVE with playing my guitar
rafting two different beautiful rivers
figuring out what's going on with my guts
also figuring out who i am, which i feel like is a continual process, but i grow and grow and grow into the person i want to be little by little every day
learning that we accept the love that we think deserve...and what that really means. and i deserve the best.

heart heart heart

sometimes i feel like the state of the country's political system mirrors my mind. i don't mean in the way that i feel the same way morally, economically, immigrationally (is that a word?), etc. but that my mind is somewhat chaotic and it's hard to nail down exactly how and what i feel. there are the constants--exercise, eat, work, sleep, repeat, and then the sporadic chaos thrown in the mix of those. i never stop moving because sometimes i feel like if i stop and take a nap i will never get back up. i need that momentum, moving moving moving, don't stop, don't give up.

but at the same time there is something to be said for resting, for taking a moment to feel peace and stillness. nature brings this, and everyday i am grateful for God's creations.

The Head and the Heart - Let's Be Still [OFFICIAL VIDEO]

poetry and music and art fill my blog these days because that is what fills my head. i've had this need to create and express myself in other ways than what i usually do. so i'm exploring ways to do so, through music or art or words.

how i'm feeling (please read)

Ben Howard - These waters (Lyrics)

"Expect nothing, live frugally in surprise." -Alice Walker

summer anthem

lately

i've discovered that i get stress related stomach aches during work, which have been increasing in regularity. i'm not happy about this and have resorted to taking zantac, but if you have any suggestions on how to get rid of these, i'm happy to oblige. i don't really know what triggers these but i hate it and i just want it to stop.

i got a hair cut and she cut more off than i wanted. i'm on day 4 of said hair cut and finally off of meltdown alert and i may or may not have snapped at lindsey and had to apologize. i'm not sure why i'm letting my hair affect me this much but i am working on just letting it go. 

i've been spending at least two afternoons biking and running in the mountains every week. those mountains really get me. timpanogos takes my breath away every time i see it and i feel really lucky to be surrounded by all this beauty. the other day someone corrected my constant use of "lucky" and i should change it to "blessed" but i guess to me maybe they're interchangeable or maybe i'm just using it wrong.

stop the hate, start with love

"As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world–that is the myth of the atomic age–as in being able to remake ourselves." --Ghandi

the parable of the barbeque

last week was a rough week. work was really hard (cried in the bathroom) and i was feeling really sorry for myself in general (which normally isn't like me so it made it even harder because i felt like i couldn't shake it). i've wanted a barbeque for a while and planned on buying one once i financially recovered from my trip to asia. last thursday i dropped dr. b's wife off at her house and was heading back to work when i saw that someone had left an old grill on the curb to be picked up by whoever wanted it. i immediately knew it was meant for me and i felt God's love for me and i stopped feeling sorry for myself. it might seem kind of a silly thing but it was one of those instances where i was reminded that i'm not alone. i couldn't fit the grill in my car so i walked it to dr. b's house and after work ljo was kind enough to go with me to pick it up and put it in her car. i worked hard over the weekend gutting it, painting it, and replacing the parts. it works like a dream and i had grilled steak for lunch this week. God lives, He knows us, and He definitely loves us.

i'm just not a lukewarm kind of person

Matt Pond PA- Specks Lyrics