i am old.

i am old because i can no longer eat cookies and donuts and candies without getting sick. i now get hot flashes, and sugar shakes, and stomach aches after two of any of the above mentioned items and it is lame but also probably good for me.

thanksgiving is this week and LJO decorated our house for christmas and it looks so good. i am a fan of getting ready for christmas early, i love the spirit and joy that comes with it. i am excited to go to texas to see my family for the holiday this week, it will be the first time we've all been together for three years and i CANNOT wait. i feel really lucky that i get to call those people my family.

i love flying on planes. sometimes when i think about it too hard or too much i start to panic about the physics of it all and/or that i put my life in the hands of two men but then i do a little bit of self talk and i'm fine. that's normal, right?

Imogen Heap - Half Life

s l o w

things on my mind:

fortune telling. i wish i knew someone could tell me what the future holds for me. i don't need to know every little detail, just if a deal i was recently offered is a good idea to take.
music. ljo and i had a jam session yesterday that included a clarinet, ukulele, and harmonica. it also included a lot of laughing.
cold weather. my toes are freezing and my bedroom is an icebox.
traveling. in less than a week, i will begin my end of year travel extravaganza. and also a good friend that i've taken a liking to leaves today and won't be back until january 7 and i am excited for him but also it is a real bummer.
culture. some friends and i have recently began to go to the international cinema at byu and then eat the type of food based on the culture of the film. this is only week two but so far i am loving it. we tried an italian restaurant that i had never been to before and it was divine.
mexico. i need to get my butt in gear. i am going in less than three weeks and i do not feel prepared.
money. no money, mo problems.
family. my little brother got his army assignment/job for after he graduates in may. i am really proud of how hard he is worked. i really love my family.

and that about sums up my brain at the moment.

today.

today i had to run to the ups store for dr. b and on my way back i was singing at the top of my lungs and hysterically laughing at myself. this is what i've become and i'm pretty happy about it and i'd like to think it means i'm comfortable with myself.

today it snowed. and it stuck. and it's really cold, so cold that i can't run outside without my lungs freezing and i'm not sure how this happened so fast. on saturday i went on a walk in a tank top and i was still sweating...i mean i know it's november and snow is to be expected but it just came on so quickly. i feel really grateful for my car because i have a working heater and working brakes.

today i saved $50 on two shirts (the grand total after discounts being $16) and my co worker brought me chick fil a for lunch and dr. b got me a ukulele from hawaii that i will be receiving tomorrow so i can start learning to play (LJO is in for a real treat) and i am just weeks away from my end of the year travel extravaganza and i've been working away on homemade christmas gifts jesse (spoiler alert! we even have our own brand and logo this year).

i like these kind of todays.

Sego - "Wicket Youth" official video

on living a life you didn't expect

sometimes i wonder how i came into this life. not in the birds and the bees kind of way, but more like, did i choose this life or did this life choose me? 

last night i was talking to a man with very kind eyes and we were talking about life and faith and love and how weird everything is and how connected and disconnected we let things be. at this point in my life i feel more stable than i ever have at anytime. i had a very traumatic childhood and experienced a lot of things most people will never experience. i know my parents did the best they could with the resources they had and the older i get the more i realize that they are human beings trying to figure things out and they never had and never will have all of the answers. but i love them so so much for being brave and having courage despite all of the fears and uncertainties and unanswered questions. and for raising me to be brave and compassionate and adventurous and kind. i can never express enough gratitude for that. ever.

and i know that because of the grace of god, i turned out to be a well adjusted human person.

i never had any expectations for my life, but i still feel like i am living an unexpected life...and i don't know what i expected my life to be like. i wish i could go back and ask my child self what i thought i would be doing at this age. 

sometimes i feel homesick for a life i never had. i don't know what this unknown life is or what it entails or who would be in it or how it would be different. but sometimes i pine and long for it and imagine what it could be. but those feelings go away when i realize how good i have it in this real, human, feely, adventurous, brave, compassionate, life.

MisterWives - Reflections (Official Video)

le sighhhhhhh

what to say.

this week has been slow and uneventful. i'll take it though. these kinds of weeks rarely come around so i appreciate when they do. but since i am used to doing so much all the time, sometimes it feels like time drags on. #firstworldproblems

Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.

-C. S. Lewis

First Aid Kit - In The Hearts Of Men

happy national cat day?

yesterday was the best day. after work i went to DI and bought a pot and some other things for a project. i came home and painted the pot then worked on my project (no spoilers here--they will be christmas gifts) then ROLLERBLADED then went on a good run, then ran errands (costco/target), then watched netflix/poured scalding hot tea on myself. i love days like that when i get to do fun things and still get stuff done. it makes me feel excited to be alive.

today is national cat day and the older i get the more allergic i become to them. also who makes up all of these "national" days?? i mean i don't hate national pancake day and apparently yesterday was national chocolate day which i don't hate either but seriously who's idea was this? also side note i feel like there have been multiple national pancake days this year so who failed on that one?

and an update from monday: my neck is doing much better and the popcorn smell is gone but my bangs are still in my eyes and that needs to change asap.

i got some bangs cut last monday. i like them except they've already grown so much and they're in my eyes and i can't handle it. i feel like a sheep dog/dutch boy (see below).

(via)

my left eyelid started doing this twitching thing and i can't turn my head to the right or look up. am i stressed?

that's enough complaining outta me.

The Paper Kites - Bloom (Official Music Video)

John Mayer - Stop This Train(with lyrics)

a stomach's rebellion

my whole body hurts today. but not in the way it does when i have the flu or a cold. i didn't sleep enough and yesterday i didn't eat ANY vegetables which isn't like me (unless you count a fry a vegetable but i don't and i can't because my body just says no). all i ate this weekend was sugar and i'm sure you really wanted to know that but that is why it hurts today and my stomach is rebelling.

because of that and the state of my house i just generally feel kind of gross and crusty. but in other news, i went to cedar city for the weekend and my best friend ruby turned 1 and i just can't get enough of those orange//red//yellow leaves and even though it's cold the fall is magical and i guess everything is gonna be ok.

"...it is a serious thing to live in a society of possible gods and goddesses, to remember that the dullest and most uninteresting person you may talk to may one day be a creature which...you would be strongly tempted to worship...it is in light of these overwhelming possibilities, it is with the awe and circumspection proper to them, that we should conduct all our dealings with one another...there are no ordinary people. you have never talked to a mere mortal."
-c. s. lewis

b e t t e r

i think i figured it out.

yesterday i woke up without my shield. i was shieldless. all of the little things that i don't normally let get to me did because i didnt have anything to deflect all the terribleness.

and all the little things added up to make one HUGE thing. one big huge GINORMOUS ball of negativity that finally dissolved once i cried and let it all out. i may or may not have cried because i got yelled at by a very angry woman (i let her win and i'm trying to be ok with that) but once i cried everything changed and whatever i was holding in was released and everything got so much better. shout outs to my coworkers for putting up with me, and all those drivers on the road that i yelled at (sorry), and to my friend eric for being a good listener, and for all the prayers in my behalf. thank you.

my shield is back. sometimes i have shieldless days.

h e l p

i feel so angry this morning.

like, WHY IS SOME RANDOM PERSON'S DENTIST APPOINTMENT SHOWING UP ON MY GOOGLE CALENDAR?!?!?!

ok that feels better, i'm glad i got that out.

i feel the anger in my heart and it is seeping out into my arteries and i wish that my veins would just return it with the old used blood so i could flush it out of my system. or i wish that it wasn't there at all.

i just couldn't get out of bed, and so and so didn't text me, and everyone on the road as i went to work this morning were TERRIBLE drivers, and the internet was down when i got to work and no one had done anything about it. RAGE

i snapped at dr. b when he asked me for a pen.

will someone please say a prayer for me??

another dog another day

this morning i laid in bed eating the driest, crumbliest cookies i've ever made and i was two and a half hours late to work but i don't regret a second of it...someone even knocked on the door and i pretended to be asleep. the air outside of my bed seemed so cold and unwelcoming and the thought of my toes touching the cold hardwood floor just seemed so unbearable so i fought it as long as i could. i finally forced myself to get up and go running and i think i may be developing late onset asthma because it feels like someone is sitting on my chest and they won't get off. hopefully my lungs are just going through a phase because asthma will not be appreciated, no it will not.

the fall colors are here but hurry because you might miss them. pumpkins are everywhere and it's beginning to freeze at night and i thought i was ready but i take it all back. i don't miss shorts or flip flops but i do miss being able to have the windows open without my toes turning to icicles.

this year's garden harvest is coming to an end and it has been so bountiful. i don't technically have my own garden but i have gone to help some elderly friends' in their garden and with their yard every week this summer and as my reward i get so many vegetables that i can't even handle it. i love everything fresh so it has been so awesome!

Rubblebucket - "Carousel Ride" (Official Music Video)

sometimes i just want to say everything and nothing all at once.

"Everyday, think as you wake up, today I am fortunate to be alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others; to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings. I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others. I am going to benefit others as much as I can."
-Dalai Lama

i have witnessed a lot of suffering in my short life and i easily and naturally experience empathy for those who suffer. most days it is a normal amount of empathy, but on days like today, i feel it in my bones, my achy back and shoulders, my heavy heart, my weepy eyes.