things are looking up for old liz lemon

if you would've asked me 48 hours ago how i was feeling about my life the answer would've been tired and overwhelmed. if you ask me now, i am feeling at peace and happy. everything is falling into place. and pretty fast. i'm so grateful for all of the answers to my prayers. i am just lovin life right now and i want to shout it from the rooftops!

one of my new faves

one of my all time fave songs

happy birthday

happy birthday to my grandpa. today he would be 88. he died last year on his 87th birthday. i miss him a lot. sometimes if i think about it too much, i cry. when i cleaned out my room a few months ago, i found a note from him. it says, "i don't need a card to show you have proud i am of you and how much i love you."

today has been a weird day.

it started with going into work a little bit later than usual. didn't have much to do when i got there. eventually i sat around for 3 hours waiting for dr b to call me back.

after that i went to the mall to finish up a gift card. then to the dr. then on a run. then to guitar lessons. that stuff made it kind of feel like a normal wednesday.

then my friends and i went to chuck a rama (his favorite restaurant) to celebrate him. i laid out pictures of him on the table and told his life story. i cried.

life is funny. life is weird. life is complicated.

for the past 5 months i have suffered from severe depression and anxiety. for the majority of this time i have kept it deep inside. only confiding in close friends, family, and healthcare professionals. some days i was hanging by a thread. some days i was so fragile i felt like i could break at any moment. i tried my best to not let it show.

after doing everything that i could for these past 5 months and feeling messed up, crazy and broken; a solution has come about. the answer to my question? mold poisoning. time to move out of my house.

i've witnessed so many miracles in my life. so many. so many i can't count on all my fingers and my toes together. tonight another one occured.

after being belittled by him, bawling hysterically in front of him, threatening him, and [Lindsey] arguing with him, my landlord let me out of my tightly bound contract, no strings attached. i truly believe that this old house, though quirky and beautiful as it may be, is the cause of the craziness i've felt [and is also the cause of the crazy i may appear to be].

now the next step: find somewhere else to live [mold free]. soon. and get my contract release in writing. then do a detox. then feel hope, peace, happiness, and joy.

and most importantly, not be crazy.

i'm considering this a gift to me on my grandpa's birthday.

i've got a lot going for me

at this point in my life, i really have no complaints. though there are times when i wish i was better at certain things (such as knowing more stuff about things and maybe being wittier), and my respective health problems that up until this point i have kept on the down low, my life is actually really good. i know maybe too often i seem to write about the bad and forget the good. but i'm grateful for everything i've got going on. for example:

• i take a lot of vitamins
• i get 8 hours of sleep
• i exercise at least 4 times a week
• i have a good job
• i don't watch very much tv
• i have a lot of friends
• my family is supportive
• i eat [relatively] well
• i have a college degree
• i am religious
• i like being clean and having clean things
• i laugh and smile frequently
• i'm getting on top of my debt

maybe this is all coming about because i'm feeling high on life and on top of the world. but maybe it's not. maybe i always feel this way deep down but i get thrown off by the bad things that happen and i lose my focus. whatever it is, man my life is good.

*inspired by L-JO

i made this

for those appropriate times when an ipod may be inappropriate...

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON

the vibe!

paula abdul's new show call live to dance is now playing on cbs. my cousins are in the vibe and made it to the finals!!! woooo!

(via my.beautiful.disaster)

please

go here.

life recap

let's count the times i've tried to leave provo.

1. washington, d.c

2. mission

3. slovakia

so, provo. riddle me this. do i need to be here or was the timing off those other 3 times? nothing is really wrong with my life, it really is good, but maybe i'm getting too comfortable. and maybe by saying that i am going to jinx myself?

looking back, even though i tried to leave and ended up staying or coming back, everything really did turn out for the best. i always told myself that i would stay in utah at least until my grandpa died. that was almost a year ago and i'm still here. i like my job for the most part, though there are some days where i feel like all i do is sit at a desk and stare at a computer screen. the past few months i've struggled with finding a purpose for myself. i think i finally put my finger on it, at least for now. but that leaves at feeling confused on the next step in my life. everyone seems to be moving on with their lives. what am i doing?

Harvard Sailing Team - Boys Will Be Girls

this is my favorite.

things i'm really good at

just so we're all on the same page, let's make a list of things i'm good at.

i am really good at being late.

and forgetting to take my omega 3 pill that is supposed to help me to remember things.

and word vomiting.

and sleeping through my alarm.

and talking myself out of exercising.

and eating things that are bad for me.

and putting off important chores (no clean laundry=no clean underwear).

and forgetting birthdays.

and forgetting things in general.

and wasting time watching tv.

and losing things.

did i forget anything? sheesh.

this is how we do

went snowboarding for the first time. starting this year by trying something new. aw ya.

auld lang syne

2009: the year of dreams (ish)

2010: the year of picking up the pieces

2011: the year of growing, loving, and doing

>>>>>>>>be good to me

A Social Network Christmas

oh em gee it's christmas!

(via ache)

well don't i feel sheepish

last night i was here home alone. i got home from a family party and went to bed. i usually sleep with my window a little bit cracked because i get so hot at night. well at 1230 am i rolled over and saw someone flashing their phone light in my window. the window was open more and the curtains had been opened. i jumped out of bed soo fast (only wearing a big t shirt and underwear thank you very much) and yelled "get outta here you freak!!!". i slammed the window shut and closed the curtains and went throughout the house and turned all the lights on. i called lindsey and she came over. i called another friend, and i called the lady that lives downstairs/manages the house. she walked around the house and then came upstairs and we talked, then we went downstairs and told the couple in the other apartment what was going on. they recommended reporting it to the police so i did and the police patrolled the area all night.

well i was lying on my floor talking to lindsey and i looked over by the window and saw an envelope lying face down underneath the bench i have underneath my window. i picked it up and read the outside and it said "drea, you've been a good girl this year and santa wanted to give you an early gift! merry christmas, santa's elves". then it all came together. santa's elves delivered this little morsel via my window and i just happened to wake up and see the delivery. so basically i yelled at them half clothed and called the cops for nothing. and i feel like a fool. me and lindsey laughed for about 15 mins and then she went home and i continued laughing and had to take a sleeping pill to make me go to sleep. i told the lady downstairs this morning and she hit me on the shoulder and we had a good laugh.

to santa's elves-- thanks for the gift, you are so sweet. i'm sorry you had to see me in that terrible state and i'm sorry if i scared you and i'm sorry i called the cops on you. merrrrry christmas!

"my mouse had babies today. they are so cool."--real journal excerpt

a few weeks ago lindsey (aka my life coach) came over and helped [made] me get rid of a bunch of stuff. we ended up getting rid of 3 trash bags and 2 DI bags worth of junk. it was a good feeling. we went through my memory boxes and found my old journals. tonight i went back and read some of them. it's always fun to go back and read old journals. over the past 6 months or so, my memory has gone down hill. i struggle to remember past events, recent events sometimes, how to do certain things, and even words. it's been pretty frustrating. but reading those old journals tonight refreshed my memory. i've grown up a lot. it's weird feeling more grown up than i was. i always considered myself to be pretty mature, with being thrown into "adulthood" at a young age, but i think maturity has different meanings based on the context. when i went back and read some of my thoughts and feelings and things i've done, it almost felt like it wasn't my journals i was reading, but someone else's. i'm pretty grateful that i have kept as many journals as i have, though i could've done better, to help me remember important things, events, and people. if you don't have a journal or even a blog, i highly recommend starting one. you won't regret it.

goodbye old friend

the Provo Tabernacle caught on fire this morning and is still burning. i went running by it tonight. it really is a sad sight. it kind of feels like the end of an era. i gave a stake conference talk there a few years ago and i have attended many meetings in there. it will be weird to see it in shambles when i drive by. *read more about it here.

i love this too much

wah wah

i like this cause it's real

(via emmalyn)

let me tell you a story

when i "lived" in slovakia i went to sweden for a weekend to visit my good friend jasmine. because of the way the bus schedule worked out, i ended up getting to vienna pretty early and i had to sit in the airport for an hour or two. i was sitting by myself, mostly because i don't speak german and because i didn't want to draw attention to my american-ness. a man in his early thirties sat down next to me and tried to talk to me but we quickly realized we didn't speak the same language. however, somehow, we began to communicate, through drawings and hand motions, and my ipod's translator app. i learned his name was montag, and his family was from albania but had immigrated to austria. we talked about ourselves, our jobs, our families, etc. we were actually flying into copenhagen and he was visiting someone in denmark...and i was visiting jasmine in sweden, which was just across the bridge. we compared flight plans and discovered we were on the same flight back too.

when we got to copenhagen, he helped me figure out how to get to sweden and how to buy a train ticket. i met his girlfriend, who was danish and spoke german and english, and she offered me money to get on the train because we couldn't quite understand how to work my slovak bank card (we eventually figured it out). once i got on the train we went our separate ways, planning to meet back up on the flight back to vienna.

on monday when we got off the plane, he helped me figure out how to get a bus back to levice. we exchanged e-mail addresses (which i ended up losing) and we never talked or saw each other again.

the thing about life and people is that they are good. if two strangers who can't understand each other's languages and live completely different lives can help each other (even though he mostly helped me), then maybe peace is possible? and maybe we really can get past all of our differences?