HAPPY HALLOWEENIE

I'M HEADED TO MEXICO IN DECEMBER

Would you like to be involved in giving one of these darling children a GREAT Christmas? I'll be going to Queretaro, Mexico in December to deliver gifts to students at boarding schools for underprivileged kids! I am looking for people who want to sponsor a child's Christmas, I am in charge of providing Christmas for a class of 30 students.  A $50 donation (tax deductible) will pay for one child's clothes, toys, supplies, etc....and really we are happy to get any donation ($1, $5, $10, etc). Please consider this great opportunity to reach out and serve during this holiday season! 

http://ffhe.org/

when was the last time you were happy?

if i think back to specific moments when i stopped doing what i was doing for a second and realized that i was completely utterly and purely happy, there are a lot. sometimes i think we're happy and we don't realize it. i'm happy right now, sitting here eating my sweet potatoes whilst i work. i'm not even doing anything special. but i don't think i would've realized it unless i thought about it?

happiness is a state of mind, like they say. it's about the journey, the process, not the destination.

i was so happy when i was in new york and we finally made it to the slovak restaurant and i chugged down the first glass of kofola i'd had in 4 years and brigham got to experience it with me. and a few weekends ago when i was riding the lift up sundance with some friends and i looked down at the trees and the mountains and my heart jumped because it was so so so beautiful. and the nights when all of my roommates and i are home talking and laughing and the other night when ljo and i played dr mario and trash talked each other and laughed [and cried].

am i truly happy all the time? no. things happen that hurt my feelings or make me mad/sad or disappoint me. but i think i'm realizing that i love myself enough to experience those other feelings and that even though all i want to do is run sometimes, most of the time i just have to breathe into the hurt and let things happen. and then the next day, or a few days later, maybe the heartache still lingers, but i'm usually on my way back to happiness.

gutz

i've been having these [self diagnosed] phantom gall bladder attacks since i had my gall bladder removed. they usually happen after eating raw or partially cooked broccoli and most of the time i can breathe through it and be ok and function for the most part. but yesterday was THE WORST one i've ever had and it's still happening and for most of the night last night i was laying on the bathroom floor in the fetal position. so this morning i talked to the physician's assistant i work with and he said if it happens again i need to go to the doctor because it is definitely not phantom gall bladder pains and something is going on in my guts. weird! this is the second time this month this has happened and i would do anything to get these demons out of me and i would not wish this on my worst enemy.

stoof

because i teach yoga on mondays and thursdays and the way it affects my hours, i don't have to go into work until 1030ish on those days. it is the besssssst. i love having those quiet mornings to get things done or exercise or sleep in. i am so lucky to have the schedule i do (tues, wed, fri i have to be to work at 745).

my friend jesse had a baby last week and i got to hang out with her and baby ruby friday night. ruby is SOOO cute. it is so awesome to watch jesse and robbie with their daughter and i loved watching how ruby responded to jesse's love. i am so so so happy for them and i am so grateful for their friendship. i can't wait to watch ruby grow up!

i'm working hard on loving and valuing myself and defining what that means to me. i wish it was an easier process and i wish it is something that could just happen over night and i wish that it didn't make me feel so uncomfortable. but i think being uncomfortable means that i'm growing and learning and i'm probably making mistakes too but that's okay.

last night i went to a meditation group and took my lil cuz j. i was so worried that she would be weirded out and her parents were even iffy about letting her go but turns out she LOVED it and was so excited to tell her parents about it and she said she wants to go every week with me and that she's so glad we're cousins so that she can do this kind of stuff. it made me feel good and it made me feel like i'm having some kind of positive impact on someone's life.

weeeeekend

i am SO happy that the weekend is finally here. no big plans, just relaxing and hanging with friends not being busy. it's going to be GOOD.

strangerz

i have had many opportunities in my life to meet all kinds of people. sometimes i develop good relationships with them or sometimes they are just in my life for a second. while i was waiting for my flight home in new york, i met a nice dad-aged man named richard. we exchanged stories and he is so wise and i loved hearing what he had to say. i told him some of my current life situation and we exchanged contact information and recently i talked to him about some drama that has gone on. these were his wise words:

"i don't think you value yourself enough...the more you see yourself in a balanced way as a treasure, the more others will see that also. there is somebody wonderful out there for you. get yourself ready by valuing yourself more and pursue excellence in body, soul, and spirit daily."

best mistake

so last night i had to go to traffic school for a speeding ticket (don't get me started). i had already rescheduled it once, which is the amount you're allowed to reschedule, and i walked in and immediately realized i had signed up for the spanish session....which they did not inform me of on the phone when i called to switch dates. the officer told me i could reschedule, even though i couldnt, and i told him i understood spanish mostly and so he let me stay. it ended up being the best mistake i could've made because it only lasted an hour (compared to three hours, which is how long the english session lasts) and it was an opportunity to practice spanish comprehension. i was very pleased. i laughed at myself a lot because this kind of stuff always happens to me, but i love it!

The Most Astounding Fact - Neil deGrasse Tyson

clase de espanol

I AM IN LOVE WITH MY SPANISH CLASS. the cute argentine teacher reminds me of my tutor in high school, my fellow students range in age from 20 to 75, and we have homework! i'm a weirdo but i'm excited to have homework. this class will really make my brain work and i know i am going to love it! my heart feels heavy for the old people who sometimes struggle in class and i think it is so AWESOME that they are learning spanish. i think this really was the best choice for me to do this and i can't wait to see how well my spanish improves!

elastic heart

my life continues to move full steam ahead. i have stuff going on every night this week and spanish class starts tomorrow! i'm back to teaching yoga on mondays and thursdays, meeting with my health coach every two weeks, participating on the uvuca advisory board, doing stuff for my church responsibility (lots of meetings), hanging with my fam, adventuring, exercising, friend time, dating, and planning things to look forward to. oh ya and working tons for dr. b. woo! that's a lot. sometimes i get worn down and wish i could just sleep in and sometimes i have sad days and i try my best to let myself feel it all because i know there is hope for tomorrow.

i've been obsessively reading brene brown's books on shame, vulnerability, authenticity, and wholehearted living. i suggest checking out her work (i've posted her TED talk before). her ideas seem simple yet profound, maybe things i should've known all along, but ideas i'm trying to cultivate into my life. for example, maybe i knew but never lived this or i didn't know this at all, but the people we are vulnerable with should earn the right to have that honor. i think it's important to be authentic, to be who you are, every last bit of you, and to be okay with experiencing your feelings (emotions, fears, loves, etc) and not pushing them away. to be okay with what defines us. and it's important to be vulnerable, but to be wise about who you share your story with. i think maybe in the past i've been too giving and throwing myself into things without receiving in return, with people who maybe haven't earned the honor of experiencing my vulnerability. that is something i've been thinking about. long story short, check. her. out.

my life is filled with good things. i am doing well with not comparing myself to other women and being kind to myself. it is such a nicer way to live. it's hard to change your thoughts though, it takes a lot of work and soul searching and believing. i may be a busy bee, but i'm a pretty awesome busy bee.

Damien Rice - Delicate (Album O)

question

does love really mean never having to say you're sorry?

rad.

last night ljo and i went to the passion pit concert and it was the funnest time EVER. we danced the night away and i would pay to see them again for sure. if you're not familiar with their music and enjoy a delightful electronic beat with meaningful and/or happy lyrics and/or vibe, then i suggest you check them out...pronto.

Ellie Goulding - Joy

well i did it

this is me.

yesterday was my first day assisting in the operating room and i'll tell you what it was not my favorite and i realized pretty quickly that i should've listened to my gut (a lesson that i continuously have to learn). i love helping people and i want to make a career out of it, but handing someone a tool in the operating room is not the best way for me, personally, to do so. i talked to dr. b and i think i'll give it one more try but today i am EXHAUSTED and my heart is telling me to keep doing what i'm doing (working in the office).

a common theme in my life is that i have to do things myself before i listen to anyone else. i'll ask for advice from anyone and then take it all in and think about it but usually end up making a decision i want to make and just going for it. for example, i wanted to attempt to make egg rolls once and my friend told me i didn't have the right kind of wrapper and i yelled "i just want to try it!" and so i did and it was an epic fail and so gross and everything fell apart but i was satisfied because i needed to see for myself.

this has come into play with nursing school, certain boys i've dated, going to the temple, different experiences in my childhood, now this operating room deal, and so many other things. sometimes i feel like i am on my own and that God doesn't intervene in my life like He does in other people's. but then i think, He does, but not in the way i think i need, rather in the way He knows i need. i think He knows me so well that He knows i need to try things on my own first, and then decide for myself what i should do. and He intervenes through other things that are special to me. like through other people. but sometimes when i don't feel the certain answers and i feel like i have no direction, it's hard to feel like He's really there.

so long story short, i'll give assisting in the OR one more try, but most likely i'll keep doing what i'm doing. i tell myself that my life is too easy just working in the office, and it is, but at the same time it gives me the opportunity to try so many things and help people and serve. so i should just be grateful for the opportunities i have right now because who knows how long this period will last.

counting

we live our lives counting. at least i do. at this point i've been awake for five hours, in three hours i have a lunch date, in four days i'll begin training in the ER, in six months my hair will be pretty long (hopefully), it's been a year since everything ended with adam.

i think counting like this gives me relief but also can make me kind of crazy. i really love it when i'm at work and i look at the clock and more time has gone by than i thought (when it seems like it's been creeping by all day). but sometimes it seems to speed up when i'm in a rush or late for something, etc. i guess that's why they say time is relative.

another thing about time is that sometimes we use it to create expectations for ourselves (and others). for example, i'm 27 and maybe some people think i should be married. you know what i say to that? no way. long hair don't care. i'll take a line from poet william ernest henley and say "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul." only i can create expectations for myself...whether good or bad.

they say time heals all wounds. i agree. but i think love does too. time and love are probably the best recipe for so many things in life, e.g. healing a broken heart or setting goals on a timeline and loving yourself enough to be okay if you fail.

time gives us things to look forward to: lights at the end of our seemingly endless tunnels, adding up for pay checks, telling us when food is ready, orchestrating fun, experience, goals, opportunities to grow and strengthen and love.

tender mercy

and i shall call her: beyonce.

i'm feeling chipper today

despite having a massive zit forming on my chin (you're welcome), i am pretty happy today. i woke up on time for yoga, got home and made food for the rest of the week, cleaned, and came into work. so far so good.

my bestie ljo moved in this weekend whilst i was gone and we keep saying how weird it is that we live together but it is also great! i love coming home to a house of love and peace and unity and acceptance. my roommates are the best.

on top of everything else, my new phone is coming tomorrow! hooray!

things i am working on:

-not hating on the way i look

-slowing down

-opening my heart

new york trip recap

i got to new york thursday morning (after a very long red eye flight--i felt like such a grown up) and met brighm on the street. he walked me to his apartment and i took a nap while he went to work. i got up and went running (that was an adventure) and then walked around soho and then to battery park (got lost, nothing new) and then met him at work. the rest of the days were filled with similar adventures (see below).

my long weekend consisted of the best company (seriously guys, brigham is the best) killer exercise classes, lots of walking, DELICIOUS food, walking around the city and learning about stuff (and getting lost when i was on my own), going on an adventure to slovakia, a late night cookie run, seeing aziz ansari on the street, lots of laughing, etc etc etc.

in conclusion, it was an EXCELLENT trip and i am definitely having a post vacation depression day today.

four years ago i was reborn

four years ago last wednesday, i woke up at 3:30 am and quickly turned off my alarm. i had slept in my clothes and my bags were already packed. i quietly opened my bedroom door and silently carried my four very large bags down the narrow winding staircase, one by one. i went outside and unlocked the gate, took my things out to the street, and then went into the house and hung up my keys. as i walked out the front door, i took one long last look at the old school house, gathered my up my things, and looked at my watch. i had an hour to make it to the train station, about a mile and a half away. it was cold and dark and there were no street lights. i was on my own. i made it about a block and stopped in front of a taxi company. their light was on and i called the phone number hanging in the window. someone picked up and spoke in slovak and i told them in english that i needed a cab, gave them my address, and hung up. i waited for about twenty minutes and began to get nervous that i would miss my train, the only one that would ensure an inconspicuous departure from town. i jogged out to the main road and tried to flag down anyone i could, any crusty old delivery driver or hoodlum or wanderer. no one stopped. i began running, panicked that i would miss my train, and arrived at a strip mall that had become so familiar to me. a young guy in a black tracksuit was using a payphone and i asked him if he spoke english. he nodded and i asked him to call me a cab. he looked me up and down and asked where i was going. i told him the train station. i think he could tell how haggard i felt by how i looked, and he offered me a ride instead. i don't remember much of our conversation, but i do remember my heart beating a million beats per second and feeling like we would never get there. we finally pulled up in front of the train station. i tried to give him money but he wouldn't accept. he helped me lug my bags up the front steps of the station and i threw my arms around and told him he was my angel. he blushed, shook his head, and walked to his car. i waved good bye as he got in and drove away and i ran into the station, praying that i hadn't missed my train.