im feeling so many emotions right now. tonight i looked through my old journals to look for instances of difficult times that i got through. it's funny that you can go months without crying and then go days when you can't stop. what makes the body do that? and the more things you go through, the stronger you get, but when you're going through whatever it is, it still seems so hard and impossible to get through and this pain will never go away and i'll never stop crying and etc etc etc. even if you didnt feel right about something in the beginning but decided to make the choice to do it anyway, its still hard when it comes to an end. but eventually time heals all wounds as they say, and you look back with a different perspective, and more experience and wisdom and light and truth and understanding, and you see that you've really gained something instead of lost it all in a hard/trying/sad/heart wrenching experience. in the human body, the heart rests on it's right side and the muscles inside of it are bigger on that side than on the left. there are physiological reasons for this, but maybe another reason is that those big muscles keep you going, even when the small ones give up. when we've lost it all something deep inside of us keeps us going, and eventually things go back to normal and the pain and sadness that was built up in your heart and keeping it from functioning normally leave and everything continues on. if we do things right and forgive whoever or whatever happened to us, maybe we forget the pain and the sadness and we're able to live and enjoy experiences as they come. that's not to say something awful/hard won't happen again, but at least we're better off than we were before.
when i left slovakia, my whole world seemed to have crashed around me. i didnt understand everything that had happened, or why i chose to go in the first place even though i was feeling so anxious about it and waking up in the middle night with panic attacks and why i wrote that all off. when i got back i cried for days and days and days and it seemed like it was an eternity and that i would never stop crying. i felt like i lived most of my life on my knees, pleading with God to take this hurt and confusion and sadness away from me, and eventually He did, but it took time. i needed to learn some things first. and then i picked up the pieces to my life and slowly put them back together and i kept going and became stronger so that when the next thing knocked me down, i was a little bit stronger and quicker to get back up.
and here i am again, hurt and confused and pleading with God to take away the sadness. but maybe crying is good for me and it reminds me that i am human and maybe it reminds me of all the blessings in my life--especially the wonderful people: friends, acquaintances, strangers, who are willing to let me cry and be sad so i can learn, but they know that things will get better and how reassuring to know that they will and i won't be stuck in this doom forever.
sometimes you have to take things minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, at a time. and i'm trying to learn that its ok. its ok to be sad and mourn let time run its course. soon the knots in my stomach will go away and ill be able to sleep through the night and everything will be fine. but for now, i'm allowing myself to experience this, and let one half of my heart pick up the slack while the other half rebuilds itself.
