"She is at war with herself about all the conflicting things she wants. She wants chaos and control. She wants adventure and safety. She wants to live in a city, have a busy life, lots of friends, a demanding career. She wants to live in the woods, write and be all alone. She wants to know everything and know nothing. She wants to fit in and be different, be the odd one out. She wants to be innovating, make her own path. She wants to be normal, conventional. She wants to be a responsible adult. She wants to stay a child forever, to have no worries and no stress. She wants to be happily married, she wants to be single, she wants to have hundreds of lovers. She wants to be respected, looked up to, admired. She wants to be a rebel, a broke artist, a trouble maker. She wants a regular life, she wants to change the world. She wants everything, but she wants nothing. Every day is a new battle. What to do? What to want? What to choose? Do you have to choose, stranger?" -random-people

reflections on thanksgiving

today i got to go to two thanksgivings. it was awesome! the food was delish and the company was even better. i had to drive back and forth from/to SLC and i started thinking about my life.

two years ago during this time i was working at the state mental hospital. i had to work on thanksgiving and i was feeling sorry for myself. on this day i was assigned to work in the teenage girl unit and i got to eat lunch with them. this was their thanksgiving feast. i was so grateful i got to spend the holiday with the girls. it snapped me out of my silent pity party, and despite the circumstances and backgrounds those girls came from, they were able to find things they were grateful for. definitely changed my perspective.

today i am grateful for so many things. here is a quick list:
the opportunity to meet great people and be adopted into their families
my friends
healthy body
running car
good job with a great boss and great fellow employees
a loving, caring family
nick--he's just such a good person. it amazes me
the ability to hear, see, smell, touch
in the words of grandma hannah, the ability to do things that make me happy
a nice place to live
getting along with my roommates
health insurance
learning/knowledge
buying/making/eating good food
the gospel/atonement

i think this is beautiful

from my cousin's blog. she writes so eloquently.


"You ever get a case of the longing? You know, like when you've been looking at Pinterest for too long, and you start longing for the money to buy all the necessary boots and handbags and scarves to really complete your autumn ensemble, or the creativity and time and patience to come up with strange ideas for decorating your house, like wrapping colored tulle around a duct taped foam noodle to create a fall wreath for $5 or less?

Or when you start browsing other blogs, and longing for the ability to write like everyone else seems to be able to write, or for the persistence to do it consistently?

Or when you see people your age doing exciting things, like starting a family and taking their kids trick-or-treating, or moving to exciting places, like Europe, or New York, and longing for a little excitement?

And one day you find yourself speeding down the highway with no regard to speed limit, radio on full blast, belting out with everything you've got, from the tips of your half-painted toenails to the split ends of your unruly hair, Sing us a song, you're the piano maaaaaaan, because what song better expresses longing than that masterpiece.

And you keep longing, and longing, until you realize that you are losing yourself? That your self is getting so wrapped up in longing that it can't figure out which way gets you to the bathroom and which way gets you to bed?

{Thou shalt not covet.}

Oops. Maybe you indulge yourself in that longing for a couple of days. Maybe you allow yourself to be a little impatient, a little unforgiving, a little peevish.

But then, my dear, you have indulged long enough. You need to turn off your sad, sad songs. You need to take hot shower. You need to sing it out Elton John-style one more time in the hot water and echo-y walls, and then you need to re-paint your toe nails, and comb your hair, and get back in bed next to your sleeping husband.

And now you kiss him on the nose, and interlace your fingers in his, and realize all over again what a gorgeous jaw bone he has, and how cute his hairline is, and how sweet it was of him to fix the blown fuse tonight, and you remember just how darn lucky you are to be lying next to this man, at this precious moment, in this unique and special and adventurous life. And suddenly the longing is over. And you are perfectly content to be lying here next to this man, in this comfy bed in this strange town.

And all is well."