the break in

I don't know why I never wrote a post about this significant event in our lives back when it happened, but I want to get it written out now before I forget all the details.
It was a Friday evening the beginning of September.
Brent got home from work, and then turned around fairly quickly to drive up to Joliet for the weekend to meet his dad for a nascar race.  They do this every year so I knew the weekend was coming but I was still dreading 2 nights alone with the kids.
Right after he left, the kids and I left the house to go over to my parent's, across town, for dinner.  We stayed until it was time for the kids to go to bed and then headed back to our place.
It was about 8:00 when we got home.
When we pulled into the driveway nothing seemed unusual or out of the normal.
As I did every time we got home, I got Caden out of his seat first, unlocked the front door and let him go in.
Then I came back to the car, got Rylee out and walked inside the house.

 When you walked in the front door, you came into the front sun room that we used as our play room.  When Rylee and I got in, I heard Caden say "hey, what happened to our TV?"

Our 55" flat screen TV sat on a stand just to the right in the living room.  Caden first noticed it wasn't on the stand.  As I turned the corner, I noticed our dusty TV stand was empty.  I looked through the living room, toward the kitchen and saw the TV sitting on the wood floor right before the entrance to the kitchen.
That's when my stomach did some crazy flips and I felt like I was going to get sick.
I told Caden to get back in the car.  He questioned me and I repeated, "get back in the car NOW"
I stuck Rylee in her seat, hands shaking, stomach nauseous.
Ironically, as we left out the front door, I, out of habit, locked the front door behind us.
I didn't know where to go or what to do.  I called my dad first.
"I think our house got broken into."
As I heard myself saying those words it didn't feel real.
The reality hadn't hit yet that a worst fear had happened to us.
He told me to call my brother, a cop in our town.
I called my brother and said the words again "I think our house got broken into"
He told me to call 9-1-1.
I did and they said officers were on their way.
In the meantime I knew I couldn't (and didn't want to) go home.
I drove around the block and ended up at our neighbor's house, 2 houses down from ours.  Thankfully they were both home.  They were a young Christian couple that we trusted.  The 3 of us went in and waited for the cops to show up.  I was still shaking and trying to stay calm, while answering all 349580394850 of Caden's questions.  I had also called Brent during all of this, who was almost up to Joliet by now.
When 2 cops finally showed up I went out to talk to them, and left the kids in with Bryan and Caitlyn.  They asked me questions and we waited outside for another cop to show up before entering our home.
My dad showed up and hung out with the kids at the neighbor's house while the cops went through our house, looking for anyone left inside.
No one was inside so I was told to come in and look through the house.  To see what, if anything, had been taken.
I went into our room and noticed our mattress moved, along with drawers opened and clothes thrown around.
Then I went into the kids' room and lost it.  The evidence of someone being in my babies' room was too much to handle.
At first I didn't think anything had been taken, just the attempt to take the TV.
And then seeing the crime scene investigator snapping photos reminded me.  My camera.  My camera bag.  Lenses.  All of it was gone.  And next to where my bag sat, our iPad was also missing.
They took some credit cards that were on my desk and other minor things.
It was assumed after some investigation they had entered through our back kitchen window.  When they took off, sans TV, they went out the back door and through the yard, into the alley.  Presumably when I pulled into the driveway, they were in the house and it scared them off.
The thought of the timing of it all made me sick again.  I sent Caden in first.  What if they had still been in the house when he turned the corner??  Oh, to see the protection the Lord showered on us.
It was after 10:00 that night before I packed an overnight bag and left with the kids to stay at my parents.  My dad and brother stayed at the house while everything wrapped up.
I think it's safe to say I hardly slept that night.  Brent stayed up in Joliet that night and came back first thing in the morning.
The feeling of violation and fear never left me while we lived in that house for 2 more months.
I couldn't go in the kitchen without scenes in my mind of how they came in, where they were at, where they went.
I had to leave a lamp on next to our bed every night until we moved out.
I didn't let Brent leave us in the evenings for Bible study for several weeks.
The loss of my camera was great.  But I can't look back on that night and not be forever grateful to God for how much worse it could've been.  My computer, worth so much more than that silly giant TV, was still sitting right on my desk, untouched.  We were safe.  We were kept so incredibly safe.
We listed out house a couple weeks after the break in.  It sold in a little over 2 weeks.
I know we could've stayed.  People get their homes broken into and still live there.  But I just didn't feel safe and secure in my home anymore.  I couldn't play in the backyard with the kids and not just stare at the alley wondering where they had gone.  Would they come back?  Would they be mad they didn't get the TV?
A break in is something you know always COULD happen, but you never think will actually happen to you.  But it leaves you with the worst feeling of violation and vulnerability.  These people saw where my babies slept.  They saw where Brent and I slept.  Where we ate dinner.  Our wedding photos.  They ran right past our kids' swing set.  It was a horrible, icky feeling.
And now, even in a safer neighborhood, I can't help but still have that fear creep in.  I don't know if it'll ever go away.  I remember the first couple of times we would leave the new house and come back, I would go straight into the family room to see if our TV was still there.
It's easy to stay and rest in that fear.  But I serve a God who is far bigger than my fears.  And if I stayed paralyzed by my fear of our home being burglarized again, I wouldn't experience the joy and incredible peace that comes from trusting Him.
I have to look back on that experience and realize how much He protected us.  He didn't protect us from hurt.  Or loss.  Or sadness and grief.  But He did protect us from far worse.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world." John 16:33

We aren't promised safety and security.  Our current home could get broken into.  He didn't say "you MAY have trouble" We are promised there WILL be trouble.  It won't be easy.  It's a fallen, broken world we live in, guys.  But bigger than that, and better than that, is the hope we get to cling to.  The bigger promise:  He has overcome the world!  What an incredible hope.  I can't imagine going through the same situation without our hope in Him.  I guess I can imagine...I imagine it would've felt much darker.  I would've felt defeated and hopeless.  

Though recalling the break in brings back all the emotions from that night, and the nights that followed, it does not leave me stuck in a state of fear.  I get to live in a state of victory. #praisehands

a tribute to our first home.

a little over 6 years ago, we bought our first home.
we had been married for a year and a half.
brent accepted a job in my hometown, so we immediately starting looking at apartments to rent.
we were surprised to find out how much rent was and realized quickly a mortgage would be far less and would build equity.
the icing on the cake was the first time homebuyer's incentive.  this allowed us the ability to have a down payment.
our home has been completely and absolutely wonderful.  so here is my sappy post about our very first home.

we've hosted lots of birthday parties and family gatherings.

this house isn't very big.  but one of my favorite things was having lots of people jammed into the kitchen and living room.  kids laughing in the front room, every toy dumped out.

brent and i spending an hour after everyone was gone and the kids were asleep doing dishes and putting things away.  remnants of a time well spent with friends and family.

when we moved in, the front room blinds were FLITHY.  to this day i still don't understand how they got so dirty.  but they were long and custom length so it would have been expensive to replace them.  so my best friend and i spent hours cleaning each and every blind by hand until they sparkled.  thanks, rach :) after 6 years they still aren't as dirty as they were when we moved in.

we started in this house as a family of three, our only child being a fluffy feline named milo.

but only a short 2 years later, we became a family of 4...

when we brought our first baby home.  this house felt suddenly smaller.  many baby things and toys and cries.  we learned every creak of the old wood floors.  we found new things to argue about, but new evidence of the Lord's continued provision and blessings.  

we hosted tournaments in the back yard.  BBQ's and talks around the fire pit.

i can remember having late night talks with brent around the fire on the deck.  "where do you see us in 5 years...when should we have another kid?"  those talks were my favorite.  discussing our way onto the same page.  learning each others hopes and desires for the future.

and then another short 3 years later, we brought our daughter into our home.

and it got even smaller.

but our hearts grew larger and reality set in: our starter home was just that, a place to start.

to start our family.  to start new friendships. 

a place to learn new things.

like how to rip up carpet, sand floors and stain them.  i did not learn this, but my wonderful husband did.

a place for accidents with the lawn mower.

a place where you realize your first baby, the one who was in the home from the start, is at the end of his life.

we had to put milo down while we lived in this house.  the house that had been full of cat hair, and hair balls, and kitty litter in the basement.  suddenly it felt quieter.  and we had a couple of sad kiddos.

quiet christmas mornings while caden tore through his presents and money bread baked in the oven.  new toys all over and we looked around wondering where in the world it would all go.  

but it's always been a place of comfort.  a home.  so much more than walls and a roof.  a place where our marriage went through really rough patches, but was always redeemed.  

tears were shed, but more often laughter was heard.  i spent time on my knees in prayer, and time dancing with joy in the living room.

i cooked amazing dinners, and burnt some horrible dishes.  the kitchen was my favorite room.  

i don't like change.  i never have and i can't imagine i'll ever be a fan.  

and this change is the ultimate bittersweet.  bitter to leave the place of so many firsts.  but sweet to know the next place will hold so many more firsts.

bitter to close a door on a chapter than held so many memories.  but sweet to look forward to even richer blessings in our future home.

we knew this home wasn't forever.  but the Lord knew it was exactly the right home for us the past 6 years.  the absolute perfect home for us.

8 months.

sis.  sissy.  sister-girl.  rylee.  rylee joy.  

she responds to any of those names.  but mostly she's just "sis."

she's also a giant ball of awesome sunshine smiley goodness.  

this girl wakes up with a smile on her face and unless she's starving, tired, or you took paper away from her, she smiles all day.  

 her hair is red.  very red.  and her eyes are blue.  like, melt your heart into a puddle blue.

 oh my gosh.  these 2 together.  they make each other laugh.  like belly laugh.  i never ever thought they'd hit it off like this.  i assumed she would enjoy him.  watch him, smile at him.  but i just didn't expect him, a big 4 year old, to care much for her, a baby.  i was so wrong.  their bond is special and i'm eternally grateful the Lord allowed caden to have a sister.  

 girlfriend can clap on command and give high fives.  she also gives fabulous open-mouth kisses, my personal favorite.

she is definitely very different from her brother.  we tell her "no" when she's crawling for something she shouldn't have and just looks up and smiles at us.  then proceeds toward the object she shouldn't have.  caden never did that.  he listened and we hardly had to baby proof anything.  i think our little firecracker will be just that: a feisty firecracker that keeps us on our toes.  but we love her so.  as her middle name indicates, she brings us so much joy.  

we went up to chicago last saturday night for a wedding and it was the first night away from her.  she took bottles like a champ at every feeding.  a night away is always great, but nothing beats coming home to these kids.  

gotta go, someone needs something.

life. unedited.

isn't that a precious family photo at the top of the blog?  totally natural and unposed?  no.  it was completely posed and tried and failed.  mostly.  the other decent shot had Rylee looking even further to the left with absolutely no smile but Caden has a nice, normal smile.
it dawned on me today (though i've known this truth for awhile now), how we can use social media to glamorize our lives.  i think the recent Easter holiday opened my eyes to it.  don't get me wrong, i LOVE a sweet, coordinated family photo all in pastels+whites just after a celebratory church service and before the big egg hunt!  i was actually looking forward to my own perfectly posed family photo this year.  but we had sick kids that made family photos not even a remote possibility (unless i wanted them in their disheveled jammies lookin a hot mess).  one of my friends posted a photo of her two kiddos looking no where near the camera, distracted and unposed.  she said "you'll all be posting perfect shots of kids today and here's what i've got" and i loved it!  it was real!  i try SO STINKING HARD to get BOTH kids looking at me, smiling and falsely enjoying themselves for every shot.  it's the cross i bare as a photographer.  i bribe, tease, sing loudly and make gross noises that sound inhuman.  anything ANYTHING to get that PERFECT, CANVAS-WORTHY shot.
but who even cares??  does it matter that the image gets almost 100 likes on Facebook?  OMG how special.
or what if my pastor sees my perfectly posed babies in instagram.  then he'll KNOW how well i'm doing as mom!!
ew.  i don't want to be that anymore.  i want to be real.  transparent.  and i think, for the most part, i am that here, on this blog.  i'm quick to let you know how tired and worn out i am.  how not exciting this parenting gig is.  but i think it's gotta be more than just words on a computer screen.
no, i won't blow that photo up onto a canvas with caden's tongue sticking out.  i'll probably display a large photo where we're all at least looking in the general direction of the camera and tongues are inside mouths.
but what if we were more honest like my friend on Easter.
this is it.  my kids are cute.  but they don't sit still.  they're throwing tantrums because i'm making them sit still for 5 seconds therefore i'm the most awful person on the planet.  "click"  that's real life.  and that probably means you don't want to post that photo on social media.  and hey, that's ok!  i don't really think every second of our lives needs to be displayed for all to see.  i'm out of storage space on my phone which means i can't take new photos.  and at first that KILLED ME.  i thought "but how will i let everyone know caden is sick and we're in the trenches and i'm so tired and omg pity party???"  oh i don't know, maybe everyone DOESN'T need to know that.  maybe just letting our families know via text to pray for us is enough?  maybe?  and then perhaps i could use my real camera to snap photos of our day to day and just keep them on my computer or post a few here as documentation i can look back on.
i know, it's a wild concept.  i'm sort of the queen of over-sharing.
anyway.  that's what's been on my heart and mind lately.  do with it what you will.  and here, enjoy some straight-outta-the-camera-unedited shots of the kids yesterday.  disclaimer:  the living room (and every other room) was a disaster!  it usually stays that way until daddy is on his way home then we blitz the whole place and make it look like i've been on my game all day long.  talk about faking it.

 i know i'm biased.  she's my child.  but isn't she just the most gorgeous lady you've ever seen? (imagine how much better this imagine would've looked edited...)

 girlfriend is on the move.

 and then (sick, pants less) brother came and wanted a picture too.

told you.  disaster zone.  and yes that's my lens cap she's gnawing on.  whatever, man.  real life.

Stitch Fix #3

So back in November of 2013, I got my first fix.  I kept two things and overall loved the experience. 

Then I got knocked up.  And so I decided to wait until after baby and after i *kinda* got my bod back.  Last month was my second ever fix and it was so bad i didn't even take any pictures because all the items went back.  i gave it another shot this month and it was SO MUCH BETTER.  below are the photos.  i got a pair of jeans but they didn't make the photos because they're going back.

 #1:  Some Kimono thing.  It's a no.  Too big and baggy and just no.

 #2:  Sheridan Striped V-Neck Tab Sleeve Blouse

Yes.  You can see it on my face.  This blouse is completely my style and I loved everything about it.

 #3:  Stanford Mixed Material Top.

Originally this was a no.  It's a little too short in the front.  But then I threw a white tank underneath and sort of loved it. 

 This shot just turned out more awkward than anything but the back is a different material than the front.  Hence the "mixed material" title.

 #3:  Janiya Multi-Print Infinity Scarf.  Because I need another infinity scarf like I need a hole in the head.  Seriously.  But it's soooo cuuuute.  

And paired with that top I just had to.

The three things I kept I figured would make good travel items when we're in Dublin in June.  

So, yay for a winning Fix!

Now use my Referral Link and get yourself a Fix!

Caden's 4th Birthday.

This past weekend was "Caden's Fourth Birthday Extravaganza" or something like that.  I found that when a child's birthday falls on a weekend day, the entire weekend becomes their birthday weekend.  I tried to document the whole three days as we did a lot of fun things with him (I'm always impressed with my friend Lauren who does such a great job taking pics of everything they do as a family and everything their little girl Payton does.  Though I'm a photographer, I tend to really stink at capturing our day-to-day, unposed, ordinary happenings!)  So, here we go:

Technically, the celebration started on Thursday when he took treats to school for his birthday.  I didn't get any pictures of this, but they were HyVee cupcakes.  

 On Friday, his actual birthday, he woke up to a decorated living room.  He was so excited and spent about 10 minutes just looking at everything.  It was sweet.  He ate some donuts for his birthday breakfast and then we all went to the doctor for his 4 year check up.  Daddy even took the day off to hang out :)  

His 4 year stats:

Height: 42.75 inches (92%)

Weight: 41.2 lbs (86%)

 Brother was helping keep sis entertained.  Finally a doctor's appt that wasn't for her!

 

 After the doctor, we met grandma and grandpa at Culver's for a birthday lunch.  Papa brought him a few little presents to open that day.  Including that bunny you see which poops out jelly beans.  Papa sure gets 4 year old humor.

 We gave him a couple "smaller" gifts when he got up that morning, but the bigger gift from us was to go to the mall that afternoon and go to Build-a-Bear to make a Ninja Turtle.  He LOVED it.  Just he and daddy went while the girls stayed at home.  He made Mikey and Mikey has not left his side since he made him.  

After the mall, we met a couple of his friends at a play place here in town called Ergadoozy.  It's a big indoor play area (think McDonald's play place except CLEAN).  I didn't get an shots there, I was busy holding R and trying to prevent her from touching anything.  After playing there for a little while, the kiddos and their parents came back to our house for dinner+ice cream cake.  

 

 He got a Spiderman car that shoots something out (anything that shoots anything is a favorite right now) and some great Jake and the Neverland Pirate toys.  

 About to dive into his ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins.

 This is Tommy.  Tommy is possibly one of my favorite kids that is not my own kid.  

 This picture is just epic.  The boys with their weapons and sweet Belle not really sure what to do with her bow staff.  Also, Tommy.

There aren't any pictures from Saturday.  That was actually a relatively low-key day.  We hung around the house and got things ready for the party on Sunday.

Side-note:  Brent and I went to a trivia night Saturday at our church for the youth group.  It was the first time my parents have watched the kids during bed time.  My mom fed R a bottle and she took it with no fussing.  She went to sleep without crying too!  This is huge and wonderful and a major relief.

 Sunday afternoon we had a family party at our house.  This will probably be the last year we do friends/family separate.  I thought it would be too much in our house, and it probably would be.  Next year I anticipate a party somewhere outside of our home with friends and family.

 Before the party got started I wanted a family photo.  The reality of our lives now:  It is nearly impossible to get a good shot with both kids looking AT the camera AND smiling.  This is painful to me as a photographer.  

 I kept the food super low key this year.  And since it was a Turtle theme, ordering pizza was obvious and so easy.  The fruit and veggie trays were taken straight from Pinterest.  

I always love making his birthday cake.  I'm no cake boss (though I am THE boss) but there's just something I love about creating his cake.  We went the cupcake route this year in an effort to keep it easy peasy.  Also, they were dairy free and delicious!

 

 Opening gifts.  That was his face when he looked in the bag and saw it was clothes.  He always needs new summer clothes so people get him some for his birthday and he's always disappointed.  Sorry bud.  We're working on having a gracious heart :) You'll be thankful in July when you have shorts to wear.

He got a lot of great things.  Jake toys, puzzles, a matching game, Turtle things.  Not pictured is the awesome wooden swing set his Papa Amos got him.  It'll go up when the weather gets warmer in our back yard.  He can't wait to swing every day and climb up the climbing wall.  Sis will have a swing too so I anticipate never leaving the back yard :)

It's hard to believe we have a 4 year old now.  He gets more fun every year.  

Now, excuse me while I go stress about our trip for B's work in April (we find out THIS Wednesday if he got Employee of the Year.  If he did, our trip will be in June instead).  

Also, I have a Stitch Fix arriving next Monday.  Stay tuned for a post about that!