Ouch!

Perhaps I should learn from my mistakes...so that I do not repeat them.

I am the kind of person that does not ask for help when I need it. I don't tell people I'm in pain - I just grit my teeth and put up with it.

In most circumstances I hardly tell my family until after I've dealt with things on my own, or until I have no other choice but to ask for help. I have a really hard time admitting I am weak...even to myself.

When I was 15 my family was moving to Goldendale, Washington from Meridian, Idaho. It was during this time I think I really started to just swallow my feelings - figuratively and metaphorically.

My dad had been in a car wreck that broke his spine, and my mom was either recovering from or going to have a surgery in Idaho Falls.

So it was up to Mindy, Myself, and Daniel to pack everything from our storage compartment to the moving van. My dad was there to supervise, and drive the moving van.

 
At one point packing required that I climb over the towers of stuff to get things out - we weren't packing everything because we were only moving into a small apartment in Goldendale.

I'd seen my dad in pain almost the whole summer - and he was trying to help and even lift a few things. As he tried to help, I saw him wince with pain, and I decided that I was going to be strong. I would swallow my own pain and weakness - ignore it, and I would do what it takes. The first time I really remember being terrified or in pain and sucking it up was this moment on top of this tower of stuff trying to pull things out to put in the moving van. Perhaps this was also the moment that spawned my irrational fear of heights? Anyway, at the top of a tower of stuff I looked down and right next to me was a hole to the cement floor about 13 or so feet down. I was terrified that the tower would fall, or I would. It was hot, and I was sore, sweat dripped into my eyes.

The next day - my friend Jaymi can attest to this - we arrived in Goldendale, and I was exhausted, my eyes were swollen from the salty sweat and my limbs were like jello. Jaymi told me once that when she first met me she didn't thing we'd be very good friends because of how I acted in the state I was in. haha.

 
In 2007, when I bought my car I had my first full blown panic attack. I was at work when the panic attack struck. I literally could not breath, but I didn't tell anyone - I simply clocked out for my break and went to the dealership to try to return the car - one hour after I signed the papers. When I got home with my car - because they would not let me return it - I sat in the parking lot and simply focused on pulling myself together before I went into my apartment.

In 2008, when my heart was broken by my best friend, and betrayed by my visiting teacher - I sobbed for hours. I only had one roommate at the time, and we were not very close - so I didn't go to her. I called my mother that night and sobbed to her. I avoided all my other friends for days. In the weeks following I stopped answering phone calls, and only went to work then home.

2009, when I got into my own car wreck the only people I really talked to about the pain was my mom and my vocal coach. I had my own room at the time, so I could lock myself in my room and wallow in pain on my own.

There is a pattern here...do you see it?

Well...I realized today...that this pattern is perhaps not the most effective way of dealing with things. Ironic how the little things in life can help you see the big picture. haha.

I have been running...or jogging...and I have been trying to increase my time. Two weeks ago I ran 3 days totaling 14 miles! Last week I think I only ran once.

Yesterday, I decided I needed to continue to decrease my time, and increase my mileage. I actually ran quite a bit! I was so impressed. I got 4.5 miles in yesterday in under an hour. I pushed myself pretty hard - I ended up having to walk the last mile because I had pushed hard the previous 3.5. It was in this last mile stretch that I noticed a small pain in my right foot.

"Psh! That's nothing!" I thought.

Last night as I walked from the McAllister house to a house down the street that small nothing shot pain up the right side of my right foot.

It felt similar to when I sprained my ankle back in 2006...I'd stepped on the heel of an upside down stiletto and rolled my ankle off of it as I was on the phone walking around the house.

This morning, I'd resolved to run. I didn't feel the pain, so I strapped on my shoes, grabbed my ipod and headed out.

The first mile was awesome. I think I got between a 10 & 11 minute mile - which for me is pretty dang fast. I rested for 5 minutes after the first mile and then headed on! A half mile run later and I had to walk because I was out of breath...that's when I started feeling the pain come back. I didn't feel it when I was jogging, but I did when I was walking. I decided I could finish my run - the goal was 5 miles - as long as I ran and didn't walk. At 1.7 miles I was out of air and walked again - I was still making great time, but this time as I walked the pain started shooting up my ankle with every step. I couldn't get back into a run.

This is the point I should have turned back. I had a green park I could rest at for a few minutes and then I could simply turn around.

I have reached this point before, where I knew things were not going to turn out well, and I should have turned around and walked away.


When I was buying my car - I was looking at the numbers on the contract and they were much higher than we'd agreed upon (they added $2000 in fees). I could have stopped signing the paperwork until I'd figured things out.

But I didn't.

When the boy who broke my heart told me no the first time - that's the moment I should have walked away. I had another chance when we decided to "be official" for less than 24 hours...I should have walked away completely then.

But I didn't.

And I didn't turn around and go back today either.

I kept going.

I ended up jog/walking because it hurt to walk, and it hurt to full on run.
I reached the 2 mile mark and decided to rest for a minute. I retied my shoes hoping that would make a difference.

I almost went the last half mile...but when I got up to go I nearly fell over from the shooting pain - up and down the right side of my foot all the way up the tendon on the right side of my calf.

"Oh Dear!" I thought, "this could be bad."

I'd left my cell phone in my car, and not many people traveled this path at this time of day.

I started on the return trip. At this point I could no longer run, but the re-tied laces enabled me to walk back to the park that was at the 1.7 mile mark. I'd intended to rest, but all the benches I past were inhabited by other joggers, bikers, or the grounds keepers, so I kept walking. It hurt, but I could walk with minimal pain.

At the 1 mile mark I stopped in the shade just before a bridge...this was a mistake. Definitely...the wrong choice in a succession of wrong choices. (insert incredulous laugh here). When I went to walk again my whole right leg almost gave out. Where I'd stopped there were no benches - just that small patch of shade next to a railing. I had to hold to the railing and scootch myself back into the shade.

This is the point where I started worrying about getting back to my car - I still had a mile left and, my right leg would hold almost no weight!

Stupid, prideful, inhibited me - I stood there like everything was normal as a runner and a biker past. Did I ask for help. No.

I decided I'd better just get back to my car. I limped a few steps, then found if I lifted my heel a bit I could walk some without bringing too much attention to myself. In the next quarter mile - I was going to slow - another biker, and a police officer on a bike passed me. I was obviously limping - but they didn't stop and I didn't ask for help. I found a bench - I don't think it was even a quarter mile - and sat. I untied and retied my laces to see if that would help. I stood up. Then sat back down.

I don't really know how long I was there. I was passed by a marine and the police officer passed me again in that time...I was praying I would be able to make it back to my car - or that someone I knew would pass - and when the police officer passed, I should have said something.

After some time I got up and tiptoed - literally that was the only way I could walk - to the next landmark - a small patch of trees with a grassy knoll - I think this point I had about a half mile left to go. I stopped on the grass, and decided to take my shoes off to see if that would be better. mistake.
I waited there for a bit, then got up to move on, and as another person passed I went back to the grass and acted as if I had intentionally taken my shoes off in the middle of a run...for...fun...or...something like that.

When they'd passed I - in my socks - shoes in hand - limped down the roasting pavement. I don't think it was 30 yards before I hopped off the pavement and onto the grass. Mistake. This knoll of grass happened to have been watered recently because it soaked through my socks. I tried to get back to the pavement, but the heat of the sidewalk boiled my now wet feet.

I wasn't really discouraged - I was actually kind of laughing at how I always seem to get myself into these kinds of fixes, and that's!...when I realized the afore mentioned pattern.

I sat under a tree on the damp grass and stuck my damp, burned, and sore feet into my shoes. I got up resolved not to stop till I'd reached my car. (Another police officer past me between that tree and my car - I was severely limping - but he didn't stop, so I didn't ask.)

It took me less than 30 minutes (excluding my little break) to make it the first 2 miles. The return 2 miles took over 2 hours...oh...and I got sunburned.

I definitely think there is a lesson to be learned here...maybe a few.

When the time comes to abandon an endeavor - perhaps the return trip wouldn't be so painful if I didn't hang on for so long. haha.

Also...pride...yeah, it's not such a good thing. Communication, however is.

I love my life, and I am grateful for the experiences that help me to learn and grow!

Well. I hope you enjoyed this little story. Needless to say - it is a great possibility I will not be running for the rest of the week...but as soon as I can...I'll be back at it...I have a marathon to train for...

I don't know what marathon it is yet...but...my little sister and I have talked about doing the disney marathon for years, so...that is the goal!

Living to Learn, Learning to Live

Over the past several months I seem to have lost myself. I don't quite know how it happened, but I think it all started with a decline in my integral self. By that I mean, I have been trying to be the kind of person that I thought others wanted me to be, and consequently by doing so I lost the structure of my self.

I have also been on the job hunt now for 5 months. Let me tell you that wears you down! Trying to be who people want and expect, and then when you're not that person, when you don't measure up it's like I open up a war zone upon myself and quickly bring to the surface all of my flaws...and let me tell you...I am flawed. And on top of that my ability to communicate my strengths with potential employers, well...that is also flawed.

I lost sight of who I am and wanted to be, and then wonder why I'm not that person.

I built up retaining walls around what I thought was acceptable and what was not. For a long time I have had problems with my insecurities overcoming my ability to be outgoing, but this is different. I have retreated inward. I have become anti-social to the point where I don't know how to carry on conversations with people because I'm afraid of offending someone in some abstract way. I over analyze everything I say and my anxiety takes over and I automatically assume that what I've said is taken the worst possible way. If I realize I might have offended I am consumed by guilt to the point where I become physically nauseated. On top of that because I am trying to please everyone else sometimes I do say off color things purposefully the guilty nausea shows up there too, because that's just not me. It's not who I am.

It has culminated to bring about the biggest breakdown I've had in a long time. I'm not sure which hurt worse, the job rejection or my self analysis of the 30 minute interview. I do not like to admit this - and I am not admitting it for sympathy, but rather for background information - I spent hours sobbing uncontrollably. I felt like I would never be who people want me to be. I felt defeated and incapable. I blamed my own weaknesses for my inability to obtain employment. Originally I thought that Salt Lake was the place I was supposed to be...and because of repeated failed circumstances my doubts were at a new high.

I spoke with my mother, and we made a rough outline of a plan for me to wave my white flag and retreat home. She told me to call a friend, and I told her no. Then she suggested I go to the temple - this had been running through my mind so I decided this would be the best game plan.

I sobbed all the way through getting ready. Every time I thought it was done more negative and self incriminating thoughts surfaced and it started again. I had no idea how I was to get out of the house without the blotchy redness showing, and it was not a conversation I was ready to have with anyone. I took deep breaths and somehow I contained it enough to make it out the door. I sobbed all the way to the temple, and all the way through the session.

By the time I got to the Celestial room I had a migraine from all the sobbing and jaw tension. I sat on one of the corner couches, closed my eyes, and begged for guidance. I felt trapped, incompetent, and lost all at the same time. I kept returning to thoughts of failure. How each time I'd let myself hope I let myself down.

I received no clear answers. I thought to myself that maybe I wasn't being specific enough, so I asked more specific questions. After a few minutes of that I abandoned that approach and thought to myself, "what do I want?" We all have agency, and I know that the Lord takes it into account in all matters, so I asked for the two things I wanted most: A job, and an apartment. I told the Lord it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter how hard I will take anything, and I will accept it with gratitude. I had my eyes closed so long that I nodded off to sleep. I was awoken when I heard the next session coming in. I looked up, I was the last from the previous session, so I gathered my tissues and left. The only conclusion I'd come to was that the Lord wouldn't have pulled me away from my family for no reason. That there was something I still needed to do here before I retreat home.

I was calmer, so I decided that since I hadn't eaten I should treat myself to a good meal. I went across the street to the mall and treated myself to a delicious mango enchilada. (I realize that I am chubby because I often drown my sorrows in food, but man...that was worth every bite.) I was a little disappointed that the lemonade had so much ice, but I was happier and a little more rational. I walked to the godiva store and bought a very expensive truffle, and then went to my car and headed home...I thought I might be dehydrated from all the crying. I still had a very intense headache, so I stopped by McDonalds for water

When I got home I returned to my e-mail intending to write a letter to the principal and ask how I might have done better. In my inbox was an invitation for an interview for a school in my current district. On came more tears. I'm not sure if the tears were more from happiness or embarrassment for letting myself get to the point where I feel so lost. I lost faith in the Lord's plan, and in loosing that I'd lost faith in myself. Ultimately my biggest flaw wasn't my awkwardness or my weak musical skills it was this:


"We cannot claim to be children of God and then go around acting like Orphans"

I have been acting like an orphan for some time. I lost integrity by not deciding that I would follow the Lord's plan regardless of the time table. I lost myself when I did not trust that who I am in enough.

You want to know the ironic thing. The person who got the job is the person who provided the vacancy for the job I will be interviewing for.

I knew of her, but I didn't know her - I'd had conversations with my mentor about how this other teacher wasn't happy with where she was. Knowing that I am actually grateful I didn't get the job because in her new job I'm sure she will be happy - the school has a great parental support system, and the students are high academic achievers. Maybe she needed it more than I. This simply reaffirmed that the Lord does have a plan for each of us.

Regardless of if I actually get this next job or not - this experience has taught me that I need to stop trying to impress everyone else, and just be myself. It has taught me that maybe the picture is bigger than just my own needs. With this decision I somehow feel released from all the bondage I have been building up over the past few months and even the past few years - I feel more free to be me, and more confident that I am someone of worth.

I went seeking guidance, and I still do not have a direct path, but I know what I need to do. I need to stop being so introverted and start contributing. I need to stop holding back and start giving unconditionally. I need to stop having pity parties and start having actual parties (clean ones). I need to learn to live by choice and not by chance.

5 random things about me:

1. I love applesauce. Maybe more than chocolate. Seriously.
2. Ever since the summer of '07 I despise sleeping in the dark.
3. My favorite board game is Robo Rally.
4. I like swirl ice cream. It reminds me of Zebras.
5. The peter pan ride is my favorite at disney world.

When you lose your life, you find it.

Never been kissed is one of my favorite 90s shows...with Drew Barrymore. Her character is someone I feel like I can relate to. In Elementary & Jr. High, I was the one to be made fun of, and even into High School somewhat. I don't think anyone gets out of school without being made fun of at one point or another, but like the character in the movie - I took it personally.

Even so, I never thought that I would be in the same situation as the character in the movie at my age. While I am not posing as a student, I have returned to High School as a teacher...and...I have never been kissed.

"That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time."

For so long, I have felt a great deal of the insecurities that Josie felt in the movie. Mostly related to weight. Since I can remember, I have just considered myself heavy. Because of stress in my younger years, I started eating more than needed, and then because of teasing I started dieting at 11 or 12. I have pretty much been "working on weight" ever since. I have held myself back because of my poor self perception.

Sometimes, I wonder if the moment will come. If someday, will my prince come? Er...maybe when is the right question. I am not filled with regret for kissing the wrong someone, and I am not remorseful for waiting. I have come to trust in the Lord's timing, and I am not worried, or stressed about when...but I do wonder.

Returning to High School has been quite an eye opening experience for me. Seeing high school, the days I have for so long tried to forget, from this perspective has changed my outlook of life completely. I see myself in each of my students, and I long for them to not make the same mistakes that I did.

I am actually very happy with my life thus far...the only regret I have is holding so tightly to the weight related anxiety, and thinking I was not worthy of wholesome relationships because of my appearance. So many kids these days grow up in fear of what other people think. Why? Why do we depend on other people to dictate who we are. We give up our agency when we let our perception of ourselves be dependent upon the opinions of others.

As I have realized this my perception of myself has changed. There were a few instances during my student teaching - one student asked me if I had stage fright...the answer was yes - then I had to reanalyze why. Why do I have stage fright? Well, at that point I was worried about my grade, but other times I WAS worried about what other people would think...and then I think stage fright became a habit.

I have noticed that as I have made this realization of the student's perception of me, my perception of myself has altered. I started to act like I was confident, I allowed myself to make mistakes in front of people...

I'd like to say that I'm actually confident, but I don't think I am... I have, however stopped worrying so much about myself, and I have started concentrating on whether or not my students are learning. As my worries have been pointed in a new direction I have also noticed that I am actually becoming happier...and yeah...maybe even a little more confident.

Through this experience I have come to really grasp what C.S. Lewis was talking about when he said, “Your real, new self will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him. Does that sound strange? The same principle holds, you know, for more everyday matters. Even in social life, you will never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking about what sort of impression you are making. Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it. The principle runs through all life from top to bottom, Give up yourself, and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, death of your ambitions and favorite wishes every day and death of your whole body in the end submit with every fiber of your being, and you will find eternal life. Keep back nothing. Nothing that you have not given away will be really yours. Nothing in you that has not died will ever be raised from the dead. Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in.”
― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

At the beginning of the school year I told my cousins that everyone feels insecure at some point or another. This is true. I also told them that if they just pretend to be confident, then no one will notice that they are feeling insecure. Also true. What I didn't realize is that I needed to apply this concept to myself. I regret holding back...I wish I would have realized that I simply needed to let go earlier. I wish I would have allowed myself to make mistakes and look a little ridiculous in front of people earlier.

Well, you might be wondering what this has to do with kissing...well...I will tell you.

I wish I had been confident sooner (I still wish I was more confident now...haha it's a process). I wish I hadn't been so afraid of making relationships, and so afraid of being open to failure. If I had been a little more open to people maybe I would have been kissed earlier - but all those chances I had to kiss someone I drew away. I avoided it, not because I didn't want them, or the kiss, but because I was afraid.

In fact...I might've not had to spend so many years waiting for the right person to find me. How could he have found me when I've been hiding?

(not to say that I actually would have found him faster, but I do think that this concept is something I needed to understand)