Now I don't trust you. You are such a bitch.

And again.

Was complaining to my brother and Cousin on Saturday noon about how bad I treated my boyfriend and etc. Left eyes twitched all of a sudden and there came a phone call. Dad called me to ask if I'm still contacting him, which obviously I am. But as usual, I came up with a lie saying I didn't meet him at all, and we're just friends. No doubt, he didn't gave a second chance and demanded me to stop contacting him. Duh, like wtf. I can't and I won't be able to do it. :( I love him, and I can sense the affinity I have with him. I can't let go of him at all, I need him and I want him if possible rest of my life.

Nobody understand what I want, they just judge and judge. What for? Do you even know how much the both of us had gone through tgt? Anybody know how many times we cried and laugh for love? No. No one except us. Judge us only if both you and your other half cannot live without each other, and treat them like your world. We can complain to our fellow friends how bad the other party treat us and quarrel all the time, yet we still love each other deeply. And then, people start judging and giving remarks again. Mostly and sadly, negatives. Only a few.. But I won't mind cause it won't affect me. At all.

Seriously. Who's boyfriend decided to take a car license to drive you around? He pushed aside his bike license, he know I won't travel on bikes. He took a car. Who's boyfriend takecare of you all the time when you're sick and accompany you to the doctor? Who's boyfriend sent you home every night despite how tired, how sick, how uncomfortable he's feeling? Who's boyfriend buy you breakfast the day before cause he know he has to book in at night and worries you'll be hungry? There's hell lots more. I won't list down everything that's kept in my heart all the time. He can't give me lots of money, lots of things. But do this even matter when you really love someone? Nope. I know currently he can't, maybe future he might be able to have the abilities to do so? Why not give him a chance to prove that to me? Why?


I know what I'm doing, I'm not immature. I know what I want, I know it isn't right to lie to your parents. You mean nobody lies to their parents before? I lie for my happiness. I don't wna regret if I give up for my happiness. You may say I'm selfish, but who don't? I think of myself and I don't think about my parent's feeling? Sorry you're wrong. I think of their feelings so I lie from the beginning. I didn't wna let them know about this because I know they'll just object to whatever explaination I'm giving. This is so unfair. Why not I lie to give myself a chance to be with him? Lie to make sure I make him change for the better till I'm ready to bring him home? I know if I don't lie and they find out from the beginning, things will still go on and I won't care. At least I kept them in the dark, they're not that disappointed for the amount of time I spent, amount of time I am with him. Now that they knew, I'm not afraid if we're forced to be seperated. At least. I managed to have so much happiness, love and care given from him to me. I am satisfied.

Yet still. I will hold on to any chances now. I'm gna be greedy and selfish. I won't let go such guy who treats me like his everything. I swear no other past boyfriends treat me the same as he do. They don't take me for granted and treat me like any other soft toys they like for a moment and change for another one when they get bored of it. I'm sorry. But. I won't ruin my happiness. I know he'll keep to his promise and change for not only me, but himself. I am willing to waste any youths to be with him, he made me do so. He showed me what is love.

Letting go is probably the last resort I'm giving.

Life.

I seemed to change, I'm much more timid in what I do now. Everything, I'll go through a second thought. I really hate spending my 24 hours everyday like that. I don't even like staying at home at times. I'm so afraid Dad will ask me questions again. I'm afraid he'll tell me this and that, sigh. I hate it so much! Sometimes I rather things don't happen at all. Fuck. I don't know what I want, I don't know how should I solve problems. I don't know how to face all this, I don't know what is the best for everyone and myself. What to do? :( I used to think that my Dad resembles an angel. He's always there for me when I needed someone to talk to, to ask for help. Now? I'm sad to say, it's not the same anymore. I see him as a scary person. I start having flashbacks again of what happened whenever I look at him. I try to avoid, but I can't. I appeared fine w him, but that's only physically.. People assumed that I kept thinking too much, but do they even know how I feel indepth? I can say my family is stricter than those mother fuckers who say I think too much. They'll only understand if they're standing at my position. Really. It's a month since things happened.

I told lies that I stopped contacting him/gradually contacted lesser and lesser. But in fact I didn't. Mum ask if I can give up on him? I told her I can. This is totally wrong, cause I know I can't. How to tell the truth? Tell the truth and my parents go bonkers again? I feel terrible telling lies to my parents, but if I don't? The person who felt the most miserable is actually me. I am suffocating and I don't think I can breathe if this ctn. I have to make a decision between relationship or family, but how? If I choose family over relationship, will he give up on me as time goes by? Some people say if a guy really love you, they'll still come back to you no matter how hard you push him away? Can those people assure me with their life? Can they assure me that the guy will definitely come back to me? I know they're only making me feel better. Seriously, I don't wna see the future. I don't wna resign to fate. I wna choose my path. I want everything like before...really just fuck my life. Till now I still can't let go...

Super glad I am treated so well by someone. Really, I think I'm the fortunate girl despite all these happening. And someone didn't give us up and we're both still standing strong. <3

Hrm Ut anyhow bomb, jitao dk how to do.

Sudden twist.

Haven't been blogging cause I won't even know if anyone is gonna be reading my blog these days. Lost all my readers in just one click, and yup. I lost interest in blogging. Shall not close down this blog incase I got the bravery to re-open it again and start posting like never ending. Internet can be such a nuisance...sigh. If my Dad didn't knew anything, seen anything from my blog, all this shit wouldn't have happened. Lot'sa memories can be found on my blog, no way I'm gna delete it no matter how much I hate my blog now. Haha! K, shall blog as and when then.