pill popping

i hesitate to even write this post because I'm so tired of the subject.  depression.  I know that it's chemical and I know that my self value must come from a place beyond the reach of something as ephemeral as brain chemicals or what I'm able to do on any given day.  But it's hard.  Hard.  I'm doing all that I can to battle the condition.  I've been on so many different drug cocktails in the past few years - I couldn't even list all of the medications that we've tried.  I'm two weeks into a new drug and it's not working thus far.  In the past few years, I experienced two days where I felt like 'myself.'  I felt energetic, creative, focused, hopeful and capable.  The blessing of those two days was also a curse because while they were wonderful beyond words, they made me sad by highlighting what I've lost.  I cherish them because I am still hopeful that there is a way back to that me.  It's a tenuous balance between despair and hope that my 'cure' is right around the bend.

But here I am.  Struggling to do the everyday things and hoping that I'm not damaging my girls.  I hold tight to the thought that they only know what I actually DO, not the intense thought processes that it takes to get to the doing. It's not that I'm sad,  I find joy in my children, husband, friends, and the world in general.  I see beauty.  I accomplish what I must.  It's that while all of that is going on, I want to crawl into bed and just shut off.   I fight my urges to withdraw and isolate but it takes so much energy.  I feel like a failure - unworthy of the multitude of blessings I've received.

I realize that many people have worse situations with which to deal.  And I am grateful that I have a partner that is understanding and helpful.  But I can't help but feel that I'm missing out on my life.  My one life which seems pretty great as it passes me by.

The Good Life

A friend recently asked if my life was anything like the life I dreamed of 20/15/10 years ago.  It's such an excellent question and an even better reminder of how good life is.  This life is better than I dreamed.  In fact, I could not have dreamed such a life 20 years ago -- even my best dreams would have fallen short.  Beautiful, healthy children, a comfortable and hospitable home, a joyful extended family, a community of incredible friends and a partner to share it all?  Nope.  I wouldn't have dared to dream this big.

Goodbye, my Mona

We said goodbye to Mona two days ago.  I feel sad, guilty, and a tiny bit of relief that her biting days are over.  How I loved that cat.

highlights

1. Birdy got her first big girl haircut yesterday.
2. Spring Break.  I love it.
3. Quotes like this one from Anne Lamott's newest book:  "Besides, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that if something was not my problem, I probably did not have the solution."   LOL  Can you even imagine?

highlights

1. Nora has her first "boyfriend."  She and Jaxon play together "all the time" and "call each other girlfriend and boyfriend."  I'm not crazy about the concept but seeing the two of them say hi to each other in the hall each morning is worth it.  They both look SO bashful and smiley and cute.
2. This weather is amazing.  It makes me want to move somewhere more temperate.  For now, I'll just lie to myself that our weather will ALWAYS be this way.
3. Old friends.  Spent the day with an old friend the other day.  It was restoring.

highlights

1. We went to the beach on March 14.  Please let this be our new climate because we love it.
2. Had a picnic lunch with the girls today.
3. Birdy tells killer knock knock jokes.
4. I'm grateful for access to good healthcare.
5. Nora told me this morning that Grandpa was speaking to her from her heart.  He was saying, "Move on....  Go on your journey."  In a kind of spooky voice.
6. Joe and I had third row seats to see Lyle Lovett and John Hiatt.  We had such a wonderful time.

highlights

1. Nora spotted our first robin this morning.  I love that she knew that they were worthy of spotting.
2. Birdy has taken to hauling my first Cabbage Patch Kid, Gunther, around.  
3. Birdy spoke at 'school' today for the first time.
4. Working with a team of positive, creative people is energizing and I love it.

highlights

1. Nora told me that "jealous" means "what people feel when they see her bottom."
2. We had a lovely family get away in downtown Chicago.  The girls loved Chicago and can't wait to go again.  It's fun to experience it through their eyes and remember my own firsts around their ages now.
3. Joe traveled last week and then had Friday off.  We took the girls to the movies and then decided to get a sitter and went out to a nice dinner and out for a bit.  I love that guy.
4. Lemon in my water is making me happy.
5. Becca's wedding invitations are designed and ordered!
6. Birdy's "k" sounds are currently t's.  Otay and tookies melt my heart.
7. The girls are often so loving to each other that it about breaks my heart.  (Of course, the opposite can also be true.)

highlights

1. Nora's fish, Love, passed on.  We felt ready to get a new fish and are now talking about names.  One idea was "Meanie No Die".  The current contender is Butterscotch.  "Butter because her is soft like butter and Scotch because her is kind.  Butterscotch."
2. Joe is so helpful around this home.  I really don't know what I'd do without him.  I hate this depression and how hard 'normal' things can be.  Sometimes my appreciation of him just processes as guilt.
3. Being able to help my sisters when things are tough.
4. Designing B's wedding invitation with her.
5. Birdy is a two year old.  Like in the terrible two sort of way.  To make up for it, her 'I wuv you''s and kisses are generous and often.  Totally worth it.

highlights

1. A lovely breakfast out with friends.
2. When I told Nora I had to go out one evening, she said, "But who will cuddle us?"
3. Nora and I are going to take a knitting class together.  Her idea.
4. Birdy can count to 14 and almost sing her ABC's.  Nora is spelling more and more and is so interested in science.  It's a joy to be around so much learning.
5. Checking things off my list.  If I have a few more weeks as productive as this one, I may actually be sort of caught up.
6. Making valentines with Nora.

highlights

1) Having a Friday without an agenda to spend with the girls.
2) Laughing with sisters and friends.
3) Sleeping in LATE this morning.
4) Birdy having moments that require her to disrobe and dance.
5) I think things are falling into a workable groove lately.  Joy before perfectionism.

highlights

1) Nora was playing with the dollhouse and had the dad doll rocking the baby to sleep singing, "Don't ever give up on yourself" repeatedly.

2) The opportunity to improve.  Tonight my therapist told me that she thought I possessed all of the skills needed to seriously improve my depression.

3) Laughing with Joe.

4) Birdy's sweet "Good Morning!" from the stairs EARLY each morning.

5) Beautiful weather.

6) Mom had a good report from her doctor.

highlights

1. Having lunch with Joe and Mom to discuss future living arrangements and working together well.  Talked for hours!
2. Nora making a list of ideas for Johna's birthday gifts.  The list includes poems about being kind to all and wooden nature things; such as an arctic fox.
3. We turned Birdy's car seat to forward facing and she literally giggles all the way to wherever we're going.
4. Making these Pinterest frames with Nora.  They make me happy when I see them.

highlights

i recently returned to therapy after a long break.  I really want to beat depression in every way that I can and figured it couldn't hurt.  In the past I thought a therapist had to be smarter than me and had to have some sort of magic powers - I felt that I already KNEW things and that they couldn't help me by telling me about those things..  This time around I realize that they are simply a partner in creating the life I desire.  Much like a personal trainer -- I wouldn't mock a trainer for directing me to do crunches or push ups -- even though I am already aware of them.  My point really is that we did the intake appointment (which was rough) and I asked her to give me one thing I could work on this week to improve my life.  She told me to do a gratitude journal.  My immediate reaction was that I've done this before and it struck me as cliche`.  Regardless, I am here and I am going to do it.  Only I'm going to call it my three highlights because gratitude makes it seem so DEEP and universal.  Also, I love Highlights magazine.  So no pressure...  here are three highlights from today:

1. Nora telling me about the old days when they didn't have concrete, coins, or sled dogs.
2. How happy Birdy was when I picked her up from her class.
3. How much I miss Joe when he's at work.  It's nice.
4. Nora has fabulous plans going for a whole town Tree House Raising.  She's invited people from all over and has plans for firework paint, and a hole in the ground with a big cover that will provide a natural baby pool for our guests' little ones.  She just ran up to me and asked if I've heard of meatloaf because she's thinking we might serve that instead of sandwiches.

facebook killed the blog

January 11
Birdy's "k" sounds are all "t" -- One day, I'm going to really miss "Otay, mommy"


December 28
Nora wants to make Joe Mays something for an early 'Old Parents' Day' present.


December 25

December 20
Nora is playing 'Dirty Jobs'. She's removed all vipers from my home but is now mired in poop in the living room.


December 18

December 17
Gina was right. Just gave Nora her first piano lesson. ♥


December 6
Nora woke up this morning and told me that her little baby pinky was a real baby. She gave it a bottle and made it talk. Redrum, anyone?


December 5
Since Facebook has become Birdy's baby book, I need to record her first joke here. Birdy: Knock Knock! You: Who's there? Birdy: Punkin! You and Birdy: GALES of laughter. 
In other related news, Nora now critiques my jokes...


November 8

Nora Lost Her First Tooth! Not sure about the lighting in this. We have tons of tiny videos of our multiple extraction missions, but I can't figure out how to edit them to a reasonable length. Here she is after she's pulled it out.

October 7

Birdy just counted to three. Don't try to call me today as I'll probably be on the phone with Princeton.

September 27

A sleepy Nora declared this morning, "Ugh. Why are dere so many WORDS? Like warthog? We don't need it."

September 15

woke up to a five year old making breakfast (including my Diet Coke) for everyone because she 'thought I do so much and maybe she could do something for me.' Where did this kid come from?

September 1

August 26

This is what greeted me after my shower this morning. Evidently this character believes she is my father..