Oh to be kind and generous in these times!

What a year this has been and what a week that went by!

Both India and US made waves in the world - the long term impact of neither can be fathomed at this point of time. The reaction to both these events has been the same - disbelief for everyone concerned, nationalist pride for some and shame for some. A part that believes that this the change that they have been looking for and the other which is horrified that someone could believe that THIS was a good news.

To set the record straight, I am what is now a days fondly called a libtard, libbie and god knows what other names. I am the side that is in as much shock that Donald J Trump got elected as the President of the United States, just as I was deeply disappointed when Narendra Modi was people's will in India. I truly believe that both of these men are morally and culturally bankrupt, albeit in different ways.

Yet, that is not what makes me despondent and fearful. Their beliefs, apart, it is their ability to build up a frenzy around themselves is what worries me the most. They bring out the basest instinct in their voter base which then indulges in real and implied acts of violence, racism and hate without a thought or remorse of any sort. Be it shouting "Go Home!" to seemingly immigrant looking folks or killing someone because they believed they ate beef (and no it does not matter whether he actually had any or no!)

One would argue that these men cannot be held responsible for aam junta's (common people's) behaviour. That is much like saying Hitler was noy responsible for Nazi atrocities. I would even give these men a leeway if they actually condemned the actions of these people. In my book silence is a tacit consent and I am not sure you can look at it in any other way.

I look at my Facebook timeline, my WhatsApp groups and everywhere else, I see a disturbingly divided world. A world where you are either for these men or against. There is no room for discussion. If you say anything against these men, you are being unreasonable and dumb at the simplest and a desh drohi (traitor) worthy of being charged for sedition at worst. You could go to jail for a Facebook post or tweet bhai. A democracy survives on ability to question and get answers. Even the seemingly best decisions may have effects that not everyone is aware of.

So the questioning CANNOT be seen as anti national. In today's day and age of social media whipped madness, we all need to see how can we be fair? How can we listen to both sides of the story without name calling and just shouting each other down? How do we stop behaving that if we do not believe in the same things we cannot be friends and family any more?

More than the years gone by, today is when we need more kindness and generosity. We need to open our minds to what other's beliefs are. WE do not have to agree with them, but we have to learn co-exist. To be able to follow the simple mantra of live and let live. And when someone questions our value system, we do not point to something worse and ask "But why aren't you asking them these questions?" (If i bring up beef ban, someone will tell me to go to Saudi Arabia and eat pork! Why would be want India to become Saudi Arabia?)

We need to open our hearts of people of every kind irrespective of their race, religion and sexual preferences or life choices. Look at your friends list. Do you have people from different parts of the country, world on it? People who have different languages and lifestyles? If not, it maybe time to broaden our horizons and let more people in. To let go of judgement and bias. To embrace the world and not let politics define the kind of person you are. Time to not hate just because your party stands for it. To not be racist and xenophobic because you haven't even given what you fear a chance. To give everything another chance if it did not work out the first time around. To not to be so rigid in our thought process that there is no place for discussion. To open our eyes to the fact that we have but this one life and it is up to us what we want it to be like.

The other day, Cub was telling me "My life is so boring! I need more danger. I need pizzazz!" To this the Bub responded by hugging him tightly sand saying "No bhaiyya. All you need is Love!"

She might have been doing this only to annoy him (I am quite sure of that actually), but baat mein toh dum hai.

Let's try a little more love and little less hate. If love is too much, I would go with kindness. Let us be kind. To ourselves and to others around us.

And last but not the least, like John Oliver said so succinctly, Fuck You 2016.

I truly cannot wait for you to be over!

So why aren't you a feminist?

“Feminism is the radical notion that women are human beings.” 
― Cheris Kramarae

This has to be favourite quote about feminism. I am yet to see a word and movement more misunderstood. One could actually call this the dreaded 'F' word. But you know what? Eff that! ;)

So what does feminism mean to me?

“A feminist is anyone who recognizes the equality and full humanity of women and men.” 
― Gloria Steinem

It means equality. For both genders. It gives men the chance to explore beyond their society defined role of hunter and provider and experience nurturing and freedom to be sentimental. A world where it is normal for people to shed a few tears when they are sad irrespective of their gender and to laugh out loud is not considered bad manners for one of the genders. A society where what we enjoy doing is NOT defined by our gender and what is expected of it by society at large.

Feminism to me is opening the all the doors available to men be open to women too. Be it education, professions, art, sports or just the simple ability to loiter at whatever time and place. It means that a place and action that is safe for men, be safe for women too.

Feminism is our right to our bodies. It is about having easy and affordable access to birth control. Of having a right to be pro-choice and to not be treated like criminal for making that decision. It is  the ability to wear what we choose. Can you imagine this even being discussed as an issue for men where as world over policing women's bodies and choices is a national obsession. In a developed country like the US, states are still talking about making abortion illegal! I cannot being myself to imagine how is it anybody else's business in THIS day and age? It is easier to buy a gun and shoot people than get an abortion.

“There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."(Keynote speech at Celebrating Inspiration luncheon with the WNBA's All-Decade Team, 2006)” 
― Madeleine K. Albright

Feminism is NOT man hating and I sometimes honestly want to shake people who keep spouting such nonsense just to put down the whole movement. Ever so often among those are women too and I want to bang my head against the wall and give up hope. How do these women who enjoy EVERY SINGLE benefit of the movement reject being identified by it?

Feminism is NOT indulging in victim blaming and shaming. It is about not attributing the rape to what the woman wore, where she was at what time and claiming 'she was asking for it.' That is of course if you choose to believe her in the first place. Most sexual harassment victims at workplaces don't speak up because THEIR OWN career suffers rather than their perpetrator's.

“What’s the worst possible thing you can call a woman? Don’t hold back, now.
You’re probably thinking of words like slut, whore, bitch, cunt (I told you not to hold back!), skank.
Okay, now, what are the worst things you can call a guy? Fag, girl, bitch, pussy. I’ve even heard the term “mangina.”
Notice anything? The worst thing you can call a girl is a girl. The worst thing you can call a guy is a girl. Being a woman is the ultimate insult. Now tell me that’s not royally fucked up.” 
― Jessica Valenti, Full Frontal Feminism

Feminism is when 'like a girl' stops being an insult and 'my daughter, you know, is like a son to me' stops being a compliment. So, if you ever heard someone say "Don't cry like a girl!' and didn't get offended, you should. Stop putting us up on high moral grounds of being Goddesses and martyrs and then treat us like shit and not allow us our humanity.

“It's not my responsibility to be beautiful. I'm not alive for that purpose. My existence is not about how desirable you find me.” ― Warsan Shire

Feminism is fighting against the pink and blue division of children - where girls don't build things and drive fast cars and boys don't cook and take care of babies. It is about the constant messages that say girls should be pretty and calm and sweet and that boys will be boys. It is about having strong female role models and not princesses waiting to be rescued by their prince charming. It is about fighting the notion that a woman's worth is decided by how she looks and man's by how much he earns.

We are still fighting this battle on a daily basis - be it arming ourselves with umbrellas in crowded spaces to avoid being touched, have our bottoms pinched and breasts squeezed or trying to be heard in the boardroom that is usually majority men who love writing off our every success as being attributed to 'sleeping our way to do the top.' Writing off our opinions because we are too emotional is also a common tactic. We are fighting it when we cannot get education we want or when something as natural and common as menstruation is treated as dirty and used to keep us away from things using age old excuses of lack of hygiene and let's not forget the pseudo scientific reasons like we are stronger than God himself during 'those' days!

We are not fighting against men. WE are fighting against a system that allowed us to be treated as second class citizens. Feminism is a fight FOR men and women and men can be feminists too. We just need to catch them all young. To talk them about the history and what we hope for the future.

I don't think I can do justice to this topic in one blog post. Each of these points and many more have to be posts in themselves. But it is something very close to my heart and as I see my kids growing up in this world, still SO unfair, I cannot help but feel frustrated and wonder if things will change even in their lifetime. But one must continue the good fight, one small step at a time.

We need to understand ourselves and teach our kids, boy and girls, that gender is simply what is between their legs and not between their ears.

Getting my feet wet again. So to say.

It has been a long long time I wrote something on this blog. Or anywhere else for that matter. Except for Facebook updates (yeah those still happen) and photos shared. There is instant gratification there. A strength in numbers even one might say. It is a world that makes you believe you have more friends than you can ever imagine. It is also a place where you find adult conversation missing in your life otherwise.

Yet, every time I read old posts on this blog, I always go, "Whoa! I had completely forgotten about this!" So, there is something to be said about putting our memories down on paper, so to say.

The big news is that we have moved countries! Yes, after a decade of fabulousness in Bangalore, we have moved to Florida in Amreeka (that is my love-hate name for the country also known as The United States of America. It has been a year and half now and it still feels like a big change.

The kids have settled in beautifully. They had their settling in pangs, of course, but they got over those pretty quickly. Children are indeed a lot more resilient than we can ever imagine. They also have an immense capacity to recalibrate their life to new situations. If you ask me, I am a little jealous of that simply because I have been having a much tougher time of letting go of my life back home.

Yes, the routine life is pretty much set. After six months of moving, I managed to get driving licence and we bought a second car. Driving in Amreeka is obviously fairly simple since most people follow rules and almost all cars are automatic. As a side note though I should tell you guys, Florida is closest to India in terms of lack of traffic discipline. Not as bad, but much worse than rest of the country.

The biggest challenge in driving here is getting used to the insane speeds. Imagine having to drive at close to 90kmph within the city. Oh I swerved like a winding road initially and it was scary, but eventually I got there and the freedom to be able to go from point A to point B without having to depend on anyone is worth getting over the fear. Next stop is freeway driving. I am yet to reach the 'Darr ke aage jeet hai" phase for that! :p

I think that should be enough for Day One of writing. Obviously I have a long way to go to the kind of writing that is of an acceptable level even for my blog! This one made me yawn by the time I finished writing it. Bah!

See you later, alligator! :))

day 8 - Letter 8 - favourite internet friend

With the advent of social media, having internet friends is a norm rather than an exception! But, it would be impossible for me to pick one friend, so I am going to pick an old friend who has mostly been in touch in virtual world and actual handwritten letters every now and then. Now, these letters, I have been promising replies to which till date have been broken! :(

So, this letter goes out to that friend, who actually is technically the hujhband's dost, but then jyo uska woh mera hai is my funda! ;)

Dearest Usha,

You could easily have been the person getting my next letter as well - the person you want to meet! :) Yes, we have never met and yet it never feels like that. The credit for that goes all out to you. You accepted me as a part of your life by mere virtue of being your friend's wife and then made me feel loved and special. Simple things like addressing your letters to both of us always made me smile.

Have I told you how MUCH I LOVE your letters? They are so conversational giving us a glimpse into your life and thoughts. You have always come across as someone wonderfully warm and genuine - an uncommon quality in today's day and world.

To see you with your two daughters (the little bit we get to see through the pictures) is heartwarming and so obviously full of love! :) I am sure you have realised by now that this whole parenting gig is fun and pain in all the wrong places at the same time! Hope you are enjoying making memories and cherishing this time. Of course do not ever feel guilty about the moments when it all seems like an idiotic idea, if you ever have them! I know I do and I have learned to live with it.

Then again this letter wasn't meant to be an advice column! I just wanted to tell you that I am lucky to know you and I do hope we meet someday real soon! :) Also, this is not to make up for the handwritten letter. That, I promise will be much longer.

Just to let you know, like any other letter, we are all doing great here. M is super busy with work, the kids are having fun at school and I keep myself busy with doing nothing in particular! :) Among the latest news is that we got a new OTG! Us, who could barely cook and gave away our OTG, firmly believing we would never ever use it. All thanks to Cub and his love of baking. It has been fun experimenting and most of them till date have worked ok. Knock on wood! :p

Alvi is a regular monster of child running towards turning 4 so fast and breaking M's heart on the way. She is very chaalu and taking poora advantage of her current cuteness. Cub is still the accha baccha though we keep having our challenges with him every now and then.

That be the latest update from this part of the world!

Much love and many hugs!

Abha

Day 6 - Letter 6 - The Stranger

Why the hell would I write a letter to a stranger would indeed be an apt question! But if the challenge demands it, you do it! :D

Dear Stranger,

I wonder who you are, the person I am writing letter to. How old are you? What do you do? Or do not do? Do you like reading? What kind of books? Or do you prefer movies? Nahi? Phir theatre and art? Are you an artist yourself? Do you paint? Do you write? Do you dance or sing or make your own music?


Are you happy? Do you dream? Do you believe in hope? And love? And all things beautiful? Do you crossover to the dark side every now and then? Do you finally then see the light at the end of the tunnel?


Have you had your first kiss? Do you love the wind in your hair? Do you laugh without reason or sometimes cry too because it feels right to? Do you love yourself? Do you love others? Do you crave perfection or know that there is perfection is every imperfection?


Do you believe in God? Are you religious? Are you ritualistic or just spiritual? Maybe you are an atheist?


Do you LOVE food? What kind? Do you like to experiment with your food? Will you travel miles just to taste good khaana?


Phew! That is a long list of questions for a stranger! I wonder why then we talk about boring things like work and weather? :)


Maybe when our paths cross stranger, we will have a real conversation.


Only thing is that then we won;t be strangers no more! :)

Cheers!

Abha

Day 5 - Letter 5 - Dreams

This one should be short and sweet! :)

Dear Dreams,

I wish I could claim to know you. When I was young, I told my father I have a dreamless sleep. He made me wiser by telling me that everyone dreams, but not everyone remembers them.

That is our relationship today as well. There are rare exceptions of course.

Sometimes I wonder will it be good to know you little more? Cross paths with you more often? But then again, I think some things are better left as is!

Till then.

Yours curiously,

Abha

Day 4 - Letter 4 - The Sibling

Dearest Brother,

You know my ahem! ode to you is already published in a book of all things! Yes! You can read it here if you wish!

You still are my ex-pain in all the wrong places and the joy and pride in my life! A self made guy, is there was ever one. You worked hard to get where you are today and I for one cannot be prouder!

Yes, you are a lazy ass as well, just like I am! Maybe, it just runs in our genes. When you cannot find anything else to blame, blame it on ze famille! ;)

You are a kind man and good soul. A nice person to be with and I hope you realize it soon. I LOVE seeing you with my kids and they absolutely ADORE you!

We so enjoyed our time spent with you at your home. You showed us a really good time and I must at some point, make time to thank you! ;) (I could do it right here, you say? Oh well!)

I, also so so enjoyed our quick trip to Vegas! Just two of us. Thoda dil to dil conversations, mostly masti and you pulled all stops! Fancy hotel, show with awesome seats and good khaana of course! ;)

This letter is all crazy disjointed! I just want to say I Love You and I will always have your back! That and you do deserve all the happiness in the world. Don't ever believe otherwise!

Much love

Abha

(since you refuse to call me Didi or even sister now!;)

Us being all growed up at Las Vegas! You never did buy me my first ciggie! :p

Didn't I say the kids ADORE him??!! :D