When Life Gives You Lemons

Put on your sour face and cry! Ok, I know I’m supposed to be making lemonade and I’m trying, but I also think crying can be equally as beneficial, so I’m doing that too. Life has been hard lately, probably the hardest it’s ever been. I never write on here and really, I’m only doing it to journal and keep my sanity and maybe have something to look back on when things are normal again. Normal … that word seems so foreign.

I guess I should include some backstory. My Zayne is currently 3 years old and he is the absolute love of my life. We do everything together. Every single day we go to parks, hikes, lunch, amusement parks, you name it. We do crafts together, play together and we are snugglers - oh how I love snuggles from that little boy. I never thought I’d be able to have kids, so I relish every single day of motherhood, even the hard days where I’d give anything just to melt in to the couch and watch an adult movie for an hour or two uninterrupted. I know that kids grow up in the blink of an eye and I don’t want to miss a thing.

Not too long ago, after I had given up on ever having another child, Seif and I were surprised to find out we were pregnant again! Zayne was beyond excited to have a sibling and since the day he found out there was a baby in mama’s belly, he has hugged and kissed it and asked to lay on it at night to go to sleep. He kept insisting that it was a baby sister. I was convinced it was a boy. It turns out my little guy has quite the intuition because he was right, it’s a girl! 

I’ll admit that this pregnancy has been harder on me than my first. My lower pelvic region has hurt a lot, as has my back, but I’m very active, so I chalked it up to that, as well as being an old, 41 year old mom. We waited quite awhile to announce this pregnancy, as we suffered a loss just a few months before and didn’t want to have to backtrack with any bad news. After multiple genetic tests came back negative and we had a stellar 20 week anatomy scan, we felt we were in the clear and I announced on Facebook… a week later, my water broke at just over 22 weeks.

The day this happened was an absolute nightmare. I was trying to convince myself on the way to the hospital that I had just peed myself. It happens, especially after giving birth. The doctor in L&D did an exam and ran some tests. She left the room and told us that she’d return shortly with the results. My husband and I sat there in silence, quietly praying that nothing was wrong and that we’d have a good laugh over making an emergency out of my incompetent bladder. We heard the door open and I could tell by her footsteps that the doctor was bracing to give us bad news. It wasn’t just the fact that my membranes had ruptured that was terrifying, but the grim statistics that followed. Most women go in to labor within 48 hours and if they don’t, it’s likely within 2 weeks. My baby was only 22 weeks, not considered viable until 24, but if she could stay in until then, they’d give me steroids to prepare her lungs for premature birth. I spent the night in the hospital on an iv talking to OB’s, NICU doctors and being hammered with statistics about baby’s probability for cognitive and physical disabilities based on when she is born. I was also given the option to terminate. Nightmare.

The good news is that some women go on carrying their babies for weeks, even months after their membranes rupture. A very small percentage of women’s membranes even heal! I chose to carry on and have since been admitted to the hospital on bed rest for the remainder of my pregnancy. We just hit the 24 week mark and are praying to make it to 34 when I will be induced.

Because of covid, Zayne cannot come and visit me. I am allowed 30 minutes a day outside where I can see him, but it’s not enough. I miss that kid so much my heart aches. I tend to do okay during the days, but once the night sets in, I’m lonely and I crave to just be at home with my husband and son. I cry a lot. Seif has had to take on so many responsibilities and he has been doing great, but he eventually has to go back to work, so on top of Zayne wondering why his mother can’t be home, he’s abruptly starting preschool, which will be good for him, but all of these changes coming at once must be so hard.

I admit that I’m probably being a drama Queen, but I am terrified of this separation affecting the bond I have with my first born. I don’t want to come out of this hospital and no longer have my little mama’s boy. This pregnancy has had me beyond tired and I had been feeling guilty for not being the fun mom Zayne was used to. I had all of these plans to take advantage of the last few months of it just being the two of us and doing special things together before the baby comes. It was halted in an instant and I’m left here trying to save one baby while feeling like I’ve abandoned my other.

As I prepared to be admitted, this quote resonated with me, “She looked at her old life one more time, took a deep breath and whispered, I will never see you again.” And it’s true. As hard as it is, I hope to be here as long as possible because I know that’s the only way my baby girl has a chance. Once I’m out of here, it’s no longer just me and Zayne and I wasn’t yet prepared for that, but as my husband has reminded me, this sacrifice will be giving Zayne the most precious gift, his baby sister. I’m going to try my damnedest to hold on and be strong for both of my kids. I must trust that Zayne is in good hands and be here for baby girl because right now, I’m all she’s got.

What a Difference Almost 2 Years Makes!

Do people still use blogger? I miss its popularity. I miss writing. I logged back in to see if I still could. I'll admit, I do like coming back from time to time to read old posts and reminisce. Time flies by so quickly and life is always changing. It makes me sad, but happy at the same time to see how far I've come. So, where are we after almost 2 years?

I finally graduated from college, summa cum laude nonetheless:

Seif and I purchased our first home together here in San Diego. It's older and requires a lot of renovations, but its been fun making it ours. So far, we have put on a tile roof (before it was ugly shingles) and just installed new windows. Next, we will renovate the kitchen and bathroom:

I went back to work at my old job for a period of time and loved every minute of it. My co-workers are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and it was more in a clinical setting, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Why am I no longer there you ask? Well ...

Enter the light of my life, Zayne. After years and years of struggles and finally giving up on the idea of ever having children, this little guy decided he was ready to join our family. I was working on trying to get in to school for my masters in OT, but it turns out that God had other plans for us and I couldn't be more happy. This child, by far, has been the best thing to ever happen to me. I was always afraid to become a mother due to my struggles with depression and insecurities, little did I know that this was the role I was meant to have and that this child would become the light I was always seeking. I thank God for him daily.

We haven't done much world traveling the last 2 years due to obvious reasons, but little Z did take his first trip to Hawaii at 2 months and it turns out the travel bug is in his blood too (duh) ... he loved it! In a few weeks we are prepared to embark upon a journey to Europe (Iceland, Ireland, Scotland, Prague, Denmark, then off to Jordan to see family and on the way home, Greece and Germany). I'm scared and excited. Fingers crossed all goes well and little Z doesn't get sick, that's all I worry about.

So yes, time has brought about many changes in my life, friendships lost, friendships gained, good tears, bad tears and plenty of precious memories. If there is one thing I learned, it is that "Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters."

Pleasantly Surprised

I took a long hiatus because it seemed that my fellow blogger friends disappeared. I checked back in today and saw a few of my favorites were back - I am happy as a clam! I may just have to jump back on here! Though this would better serve as a Facebook status perhaps, today it is my blog. It's nice to be back.

These Unforgettable Moments

Its been awhile. Without getting in to a long explanation, let's just say that I've had some medical issues that have left me a little out of sorts as of late. These issues may or may not have involved anesthesia and silly things said to my doctors. That about sums it up! Now, on to the good stuff ...

My recovery has not been fun. God bless my husband who has had to put up with me these past few months. He does his best to keep me entertained. The other day I was having a rough time and he offered to take me for a drive (he knows I find road trips relaxing). So, we got in the car and headed toward the unknown. We took a dirt road and were a little concerned when we saw people with car troubles on the side. However, our curious hearts decided to carry on because the landscape was just so beautiful! We stumbled across a tiny little vineyard ran by a couple out of a house. We stopped and were immediately greeted by the resident dog, Nate. The man who runs the place quickly followed with a friendly hello and welcomed us in. I was already smitten.

He talked to us for quite awhile about how he and his wife got in to the business then showed us the best view on the property. We took a seat, relished in the beauty around us, and enjoyed the wine that he so kindly brought to us while we sat outside.

It wasn't long before a massive storm moved in, which by the way is extremely unusual for Southern California. The wind was angrily blowing, flowers were flying off of the tables, menus were airborne. All of us who were enjoying our wine quickly scrambled to move everything in to the garage. Once everything was stable, we sat back and laughed about how we love this weather because it's so foreign - one of those moments you'll never forget.

I loved the intimacy of this place, the seclusion, and most of all, the people who run it. It's definitely worth taking the beaten path to get there ... even if there are flash flood warnings on your way out!

Pour Some Sugar On Me

I walked through the door and threw my backpack on the floor, typical for a girl of 11 years. My mom was in the kitchen preparing that night's dinner when my dad appeared in the doorway and asked me if I wanted to go see Def Leppard. "What's that?" I asked, intrigued and honestly wondering if he was literally asking me if I wanted to see a deaf leopard. He laughed and told me they were a rock band. I asked if he was serious and he said he was. I could barely contain my excitement. I ran to my room and rummaged through my closet to find something to wear. Even at 11 I was obsessed with clothes.

The concert was the next day and my little heart was racing with anticipation. I bragged to anyone who would listen, "I'm going to see Def Leppard tonight!" When I told this to my teacher he laughed and told me that after attending that concert I was going to be the def leppard. My dad picked me up after school and we made our way downtown. As we entered the arena my innocent eyes could not comprehend why so many men had long hair. I found it odd and even asked my dad why the guys wanted to look like girls. I didn't quite understand "hair bands" at that time, but after the night was over I was convinced I was going to marry a long hair and became a die hard fan of Def Leppard's. I loved the music, I loved the way the people banged their heads, the flashing lights, the cheers of the crowd. I was fascinated and it was that night the music lover in me emerged.

Though I didn't marry a rocker, I still love Def Leppard. Animal, Hysteria, Photograph ... I jam out to those songs in my car and people look at me like I'm crazy. It's fine with me, there's nothing wrong with enjoying a little 80's rock. It must be my age, but I just don't think they make music like they used to. I'll take anything from the 50's to the 80's over most of today's music. I guess that makes me officially old..... OR I just have great taste in music;)

 What was your first concert? Are you still a fan?

Who Says You're Too Old to Wish Upon Stars?

Sharing her Christmas candy

We were there. It was cold, very cold, but there wasn't a trace of snow on the ground. My disappointed eyes glanced to the mountain tops to see if there was a glimmer of hope for a white Christmas. Indeed, there was and I wished on the bright stars that shone in the dark country sky that it would be. I had forgotten how magnificent the stars appear when you are in the middle of nowhere. I found the road we were traveling on a bit unnerving, but their numerous glittering bodies mesmerized me ... I was home.

The first stop was of course, my favorite, but completely Americanized Mexican restaurant. My husband absolutely hates it, but he caves in to my whims since I suffer through the traditional Jordanian dish, mansaf whenever we go to Jordan. I figure if I can gag through yogurt and lamb to appease him, he can handle a smothered burrito..and so it was. (I mean no offense by that - the truth is, most people like mansaf. I just can't handle it.) After dinner, we made it over to my grandpa's house and he and my grandma were absolutely delighted to see us. She was a bit disappointed that I couldn't record all of the lectures from my supernatural anthropology class for her, but she quickly got over it with the hustle and bustle that was going on. According to her, there are enough ghosts in her house to keep her occupied. Oh, how I love that woman and her obsession with the spirit world. Being around her and my grandpa is constant entertainment. She is the queen and he is her yes man.

We were in Utah for 5 days and it flew by much faster than I had hoped. Christmas was finally there. I insisted on the adults opening their presents on Christmas Eve because with kids, Christmas morning is so chaotic - paper flying, the excited squeals, why not just take it all in? After all, there is nothing that will melt your heart more completely than a kid on Christmas. By Christmas Eve, Mother Nature still had not blessed us with snow and I was beginning to lose hope. I diligently wore a bracelet that read, "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know." It was so perfect for me. My stepsister gave it to me for Christmas a few years back and I love it. The evening was full of laughs, hugs, and good conversation and I thoroughly enjoyed the time with my family. We were all together and it truly felt like old times. I needed that.

My sister knows me so well.

On Christmas morning I groggily crawled out of bed. As you would assume, the first thing I did was look out the window. Much to my surprise, my wish had been granted! I felt like a kid again as the excitement consumed me. Beautiful white snow blanketed the ground and the earth was suddenly silent. I love the stillness in the air when it snows outside - it's almost as if time momentarily stops as the sky showers us with a different kind of serene beauty. My husband and I threw on our hats and gloves and headed out for coffee. Odd? Yes, but one of the things I miss the most about Utah is sitting in Starbucks watching the snow fall ... it's those small things, you know? The snow continued throughout the night and with the warmth of family and a nice cup of coffee, my heart was content.

Isn't it a dream? See why I miss it?

I hope your holidays were are memorable as mine. Best wishes for the new year my friends! Let's make it the best year yet. Cheers!

Home for the Holidays

I'm going home for the holidays and I couldn't be happier. I have missed my family terribly this year, and I cannot wait to be back in my mom and dad's warm, cozy homes spending time with my loved ones. I have been craving the crisp Utah cold, the smell of pine trees, crackling fires, and the beautiful sight of freshly fallen snow. I absolutely love San Diego, but nothing beats a good ol' Utah Christmas.

San Diego célébrations - no coats necessary.

Since I don't have time tonight to post anything truly interesting, I am going to link back to a post that I wrote last year about one of my favorite Christmas memories. Enjoy it and if I don't write again until after the holidays, I wish you all a very merry Christmas (if you celebrate it) and a happy New Year. Cheers!

Here is the link: http://amandalynnu.blogspot.com/2013/12/memories-of-holidays-past.html