I ran into a brick wall this past week.....not literally I assure you however plausible that may be given my history, but a wall none the less....
When did I turn into an adult and how the heck to I get my life slow down.
The past *almost* 10 years of my married life have come and gone and at times all I seem to remember about it, is a giant blur....How and why did I let that happen?
This beautiful little girl was dancing to a song a couple days ago not thinking anyone was watching her...the way she moved and the look of deep concentration she kept on her face were so intense that I couldn't take my eyes off of her...she looked so grown up....the tears came....my baby girl is at the crossroad in her life where she is leaving her little girl past behind and heading straightway into something I don't think I'm ready for...Her innocence is fleeting and I wonder if I've done enough to prepare her for her life...did I spend enough time doing little girl things like playing with baby dolls or dressing up like princess before she is done for good with those things? Have I cemented a place in her life so she'll see me not only as a wonderful mother but also as a confidant and a friend when she is older? Have I ruined her?
Then there is this beautiful boy...he is SUCH a good person...he has such a sweet tender personality and I don't think I can attribute any of that to me....He just is....however, his innocence is even more faded than his sister's...He understands so much more than I thought possible and I have realized the reality that I don't have him to myself much longer...The time for his desire for more freedom is coming...the embarrassment of parents, rejections from friends, pressures from the outside world to conform, secrets I'll never know about....I am not ready to send him out there, but I just can't stop it from coming.
How did I let time just slip on by.....
Didn't I just rock these children in my arms not that long ago? Have I pushed them away unknowingly or too quickly? Is this why I just cry every time I think of this little boy on the left turning 3 this year?
This season of my life is dwindling.....I know some might think I'm exaggerating a little bit...perhaps I am since my oldest is only eight and the youngest only two, but I am the type of person that has to prepare myself for every possible outcome in a situation and I need to do it way ahead of time (like changing lanes of traffic miles and miles before my exit for fear I won't be able to get over when the time comes - even it it means I have to drive 20 miles under the speed limit.)
I need to take a step back....breath....and reprioritize.
I love a clean house just as much as the next person but I'm thinking it might be more important to sit and read a book while my children can still stand to be in the same room as me and can still fit on my lap instead of having sparkling floors....I need to step away from the computer and go build a rocket ship with Lego's or go on a treasure hunt while they still have their childlike imagination....I need to stop saying "Just a minute!" I need to LIVE this life instead of just going through the motions...is this why the past few years seem like just a blur?
I myself am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.
-Augusten Burroughs
I read that quote the other day and I think its what started me on this train of thought...I don't profess to be a perfect anything but I wonder if all my intentions have been as good as they needed to be or if I have just been going the easy way out...What are my children going to remember about me when they reach adulthood? Somebody who tried to do everything I could to make their life amazing? What memories am I going to remember and hold onto when I am old and living in an empty house with just my husband and some cats?
I think I have some things to work on...
