Me, Myself and I

That's right people...I'm back! I wish I could share some profound insight to my absense...but I cant. Nor do I actually have something profound to say in general. I have recently clumped together the main purposes of blogs and have sadly found I fit the bill for the "trying to make sense of my life single" blog...HA. But I also have been reading a book recently about the importance of acceptance. It shares the reality that as human beings we sometimes seek to make things in our life change because we do not accept what they are presently. In a sense we want a "bird to become a dog". As much as I have tried the past 5 years to change the reality of my single status...the bird is def. still flying and showing zero signs of a four legged furry puppy. Interestingly enough as the book continues it shares that once we "accept" it actually opens the door for change. Real change. Hence the billions of moments when blessed people share, "You will find that special someone, once you stop looking.". Sigh. 

Now I promise this won't be  post you wish you had never started to read. At least that's my goal by the end of this post. I guess I have realized that I started this blog years ago to help my healing. I felt the need to let out emotion and the poison that was starting to settle in my heart from anger, abuse and the loss of dreams. Then it became a blog to share insights, perhaps even miracles that were happening during my darkest hours. Now...I'm back because...it's now just me, myself and I. 

That may seem quite sad, a bit negative or perhaps the next fabulous title of a Dr. Seuss book. But it's  just the truth. Now of course in a muh larger paradigm I am never alone. I know that my HF loves me. In fact he loves me enough to give me year after year with Me, Myself and I. It's been exhausting. For reals. Again don't get me wrong. I have come to see myself and my life more and more clearly as time passes. Instead of being damagingly humble, I have sought thee balance of meekness. If I were I be honest, I thought years ago I was in a battle with not only my Ex husband but a battle with God. Why couldn't they love me? Why had I not been enough? But just recently the deep reality of my story hit home...I have been in a full out arm wrestle with myself. Which is why no one is winning. I am smack dab in the middle. Arms shaking and the frustration building at the truth of my story. 

Now...I am fully aware in all of this that I have a pretty fabulous life. My job has become more than I ever imagined. I have thousands of kids that I love and value. I have gained friendships. Learned more about love. I sit on a lovely bed on Friday nights and down ice cream watching all The Lord of the Rings with zero accountability. I take bubble baths every so often. I eat out. And hold full ownership of the remote control. That's from a movie...can't remember which one;) 

I guess this blog doesn't have any glorious ending but I am hoping it is the start of some glorious beginnings. It's time to accept my life. It's time to accept my story. My curvy body. My emotional eating. My deep love of God. My lack of confidence in love. It's time to be just Me, Myself and I. 

Much love...

Alycesunny Out.

Hallmark, Teletubbies and other Such Nonsense...

I may or may not have confessed my somewhat obsession with Hallmark as of late.  The blasted hook came during the Christmas Holiday's.  When all single women are weak.  All those lovely songs of Chestnuts Roasting, Baby its cold outside and All I want for Christmas is you.  Its bound to cause a minor nervous breakdown or an outlet.  Mine...Hallmark.  With this being said, I found after sharing this confession the laughter from at least 60% of the women listening caused me to question..."Am I not alone?!"...which then of course prompted the need for another blog of thoughts...or perhaps gibberish...you be the judge.

This week I feel in love again.  I feel in love with love. All growing up I had a Mother who loved the celebration of holiday's...especially Valentines Day.  Bags of candies sitting at our plates, crafted hearts filled with sincere thoughts of our greatest qualities and breakfast where everything possible was pink/red or a muted mesh of both...even the milk...Blehk...Bless that woman. Yet with every small trinket, silly valentine or sugary treat...there is something innately addicting about Love.

Many of you, I am sure, are at this point cracking up at my oober slow reality that Love is truly what makes the world go round.  Trust me...I was on the Love Train...it just hit some serious bumps these past couple of years.

Don't get me wrong.  I knew real heartache at a very young age...Like in 2nd Grade When I specifically picked the perfect Valentine card to place in the Heartthrob of my dreams Valentine Box ...Only to receive a valentine from him with a GI Joe on it saying, "Your Neat." Crushed.

Or perhaps the time when I was sick and tired of the billions of stuffed bears filling the office at Spanish Fork High and bought myself flowers to have sent to me my junior year...yeah.  True Story.  And yes...I did act surprised all day. Shameful.

Lets not even begin with the many girls nights of ice cream hangovers and dangerous games of truth or dare, or music videos that should never be seen in public. but are. Blast You Tube.

Yet with the many many stories of unrequited love...the success stories are far too deep and far too profound.  Like the love of a baby Nephew who is fresh from waking up and lets you snuggle with him for at least 10 minutes.  Or the letter that comes at the perfect moment from Grandpa with words that not only bring peace but connect me to God.  Or the 5 year old nephew who walks confidently in my room during Dance class, Valentine in hand, dressed to the hilt as my knight in shining armor, cologne and all.  A good smelling man...my weakness.  The list could go on and on...

And slowly, like the Grinch in "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" my heart starts to feel...Tingly.  As I drove home this holiday, late after my adult Ballroom Class.  The tears started to flow.  And unlike many nights of deep sadness...these were different.  Not tears of pain. or Sorrow. or even of Joy.  Nope. These were tears of being.  Tears of being received "as is".  Tears of feeling.  Just feeling.

We didn't get to the TeleTubbies moment...no worries. There's always next time.  Until then...this is my shout out to the many many people in my life who have held my heart these past few years and throughout my life.  It has not been easy but so very very worth it.  I'm back on the Love Train...Oh heck...that is a total Hallmark Line...Gotta break this...

Love
Me

Seeing Things Clearly...

Today I am home sick.  I can count on one hand the days I have taken off work for being sick.  Its not in my blood to be sick.  Or perhaps its not in my blood to take off work when I'm sick.  But this is the nasty flu that half of America seems to have and I was feeling a bit left out.  What is it about sick days that immediately cause you to reflect on your life and all the messes you seem to be in at present.  Perhaps part of it is because you can only sit on the couch, sucking on a saltine cracker, hoping the aches will pass before you supposedly "Die". Thus causing you to reflect in all aspects of your life.  So...here I am. Back to the Blog I have left long ago...supposing it was just a moment for me to cope with my divorce.  But today I am drawn to it.  I want to wax philosophical and create the most spell binding blog but in truth...I just need to share some feelings.

When I was young, nothing could get in my way.  I assume most of us were like that.  When we lived in Lindon, Ut I organized a neighborhood parade.  Not sure if there was a particular holiday aside from me wanting to dress up like a clown but with 20 or so kids we created a parade for our parents to come out to see.  Of course by the time it started my Velcro-strap-on skates were not working so hot and I was devastated.  But the show must go on...and it did.

Of course there was the monthly neighborhood class that was held in my room with 4-5 victims that had their own blanket space, cup of cheerios and a hour long lesson on the ABC's that they already knew by heart.  I thought I was destined for teaching. They were bored to death:)

Fashion never seem to intimidate me as I crimped my hair regularly and had no shame in the natural poof I called "Curly Hair".  Nor did I seem to care that almost every Halloween I was the same creepy Witch.  Repetition was needed. Or so I thought. Bless those neighbors who acted surprised every Halloween at my "Creepy Witch".

Perhaps "Nothing getting in my way" went a little overboard when in 3rd grade I was trying to show off to my long held crush, David Clark...by stealing the soccer ball from his team and making a goal.  Of course to get that ball I accidentally tripped and landed quite hard on another team mate.  When he came in the next day with a full arm cast...Lets just say I wasn't first pick for anything at recess except for tag and ya'll know how that always ended up.  Don't pretend.  You know...(wink wink).

Not even getting into the invincible teen years as well as the glorious single adult years...(Another Time...I am sure you are dying to hear all those tales eh?:) I find myself sitting at my computer in Gilbert, AZ and I feel so very...Clear. That sentence doesn't even make sense eh?  Perhaps its the "Sick" talking but I wish I could pull out of a hat that deep confidence I had as a child that whether success or failure.  I was in.

I want to be back "in" in life.  Yes, there are politically crazy things happening.  Our World is just as the Brethren have stated for years it would be.  The plagues are on full force and have very little to do with frogs, flies and water turning to blood.  But they are deep and long lasting.  Creating a wake of Dreams lost, Hope diminished, and souls stuck in the belief that no one can save them.  But I refuse to buy it.

This weekend I had some great moments at the beach in CA.  I decided at Santa Monica Pier that I am done being a victim.  I truly haven't tried to be but...it just creeps in so subtly.  But then I realized while watching all the cute Asian couples take billions of pictures of the seagulls...My life is exactly what it is supposed to be.  In all of my confidences as a child...I have a deeper reality of me.  Its messy in some areas but the absolutes far outweigh the doubts.  Perhaps I need to get back into neighborhood classes, Parades and the occasional "Creepy Witch" dress up.  Back to being sick.   I will write soon...I think I need it:)

Love

Aly

20 Seconds of Insane Courage

I woke up this morning feeling a deep need to write. For many reasons which will be far too intimate and somewhat boring for you to read. But I realized this is part of me now. Writing. It is my way of feeling...coping...and creating new moments of inspiration. I have found a new favorite movie. It is filled my heart with so many powerful moments. In one part of the movie, the small girl cannot sleep. They have just lost their Mother 6 months prior and as her dad comes into the room, outside there is a party happening next door. As her dad asks her why she can't sleep she says, "Their Happy is too loud". I felt that moment of deep ache of knowing exactly what she was talking about. A few weeks ago, a boy in my home stake in Salem was killed. This boy held a special place in my sisters heart and as the realities began to set in for all involved...I found myself tearing up at work, unable to express why I was so brokenhearted for a family I had only known through others. Then this moment came back to me. I know they have many moments ahead of them where others "Happy" will be far too loud for them. Why am I sharing all of these random thoughts? Well...Here's the thing:) I am now 28 years old. Yep. Scary but true. I am "beginning" in so many ways. Who would have thought I would begin so late eh? But in my many moments these past few years, where others "Happy" was far too loud for me...I am now ready to have 20 seconds of insane courage and find that Happiness again. Perhaps I will fail. But seeing as my greatest failure has already happened and I am still in one piece...I do believe I can do whatever my Heavenly Father places in my life. At least I hope so. So...20 Seconds...Here we go...

Definition of Crazy...

When I was little I was smack dab in the middle of boys. Of course I don’t blame mom and dad for this breech in fairness but there it was. All growing up, I would either be battling with Joshua, caleb or jon. Reality was, I would rarely win, until I pulled the “only girl” card…which worked perfectly with dad. Often in our little tiffs when we were caught the “Blame Game” would begin. I was, of course, always innocent and he was the terrible person. Mom would finally send us to the couch where we were forced to hold hands and sit there until we were willing to apologize and make up. Our grips on each others hand would sometimes become more and more firm, trying to squeeze and weaken the other to tears. But then, something strange would happen, we would start to giggle. Then laugh out loud until we were past our anger and would make up and become best friends yet again. Mom was brilliant.

How I wish such a time out could happen on the couch for me at this time. Right now, I am in a deep and real battle with someone who held my heart a year and half ago. Sadly we are not even at the point of sitting on the couch holding hands, nor do I think we ever will. Nor do I think that such an action could fix or mend what has happened or occurred.

I do remember one day when mom had us sit on the couch and caleb started to cry. Why? Because in this case, he was innocent. I was the aggressor and had pushed him to get angry and then sat back and watched him get in trouble. I promise I was not some devil child, but the reality was…I felt justified and needed to blame someone…and the only one in the room was my poor little brother Caleb. This time we sat for a long time. My anger at being caught caused me to not care of my little brother sitting next to me, sad that mom was angry at him for doing something that he sincerely did NOT do. finally I glanced over at him and felt that warm and sick feeling in my heart and stomach, that I had done something wrong. And not just wrong, but mean. And the only one that could fix it was, me. There was only two in the room…caleb and I. Truth had to come out. It was a hard step for me but I remember sharing with mom what “really” happened and mom had me hug caleb and apologize and caleb left as I had a talk with mom.

Sometimes its so empowering to have truth on your side but more often than not…it can be quite painful. Especially when you know that many would rather have the juicy details that cause a gasp or pity or anger than the basic and sad truth. The hardest part of marriage and even more so divorce is that there are only two people involved, and yet so many take claim on what “really” happened and flippantly share the character of both or one side. Yes parents, friends and others can hear bits and pieces and even a therapist can hear the “entire” story and still truth can be hidden in the heart of the one who knows realistically the reason for such choices. And more often than not, there are two stories. Two sides. Two feelings hurt and struggling to understand why they are on the couch in time out. Embarrassingly as I have felt a piece of what Caleb felt years ago as I sit wracking my brain to understand the outcome of my marriage, I realize how often I have been that person who seeks for the juicy details or shares a flippant comment of someone, not even realizing what that does to someone’s heart.

The past few weeks I have come home to face such demons. Funny as it sounds, I am shocked every time I hear another rumor or dig at my marriage or my level of sanity. Perhaps it is my ego, which those close to me, know I have. Not gonna lie, this last year and a half has definitely helped in the ego department but I seem to still have that prideful and real part of me that hates being talked about…especially something so very painful and real as my marriage and divorce. And perhaps its because of my desire to turn a blind eye to this entire mess and snap my fingers like Mary Poppin’s and my life is tidy and put back together. And perhaps sometimes, I hear such things and seriously doubt myself and my thinking. The cycle begins…am I crazy? Do I ruin people? can a person have a life-time of good and then suddenly…poof…their nuts? And ending with perhaps, I deserved what happened…perhaps this is the truth.

I looked up the work Crazy in the dictionary this morning and here are some definitions that I found;
a. A mentally deranged person
b. Informal Insane
c. Intensely involved or preoccupied
d. Foolish or Impractical
e. fantastic; Strange; Ridiculous
f. Slang for very Good or Excellent

hmmmm…Option A? Nope…at least not yet…lets wait until im 89 yrs old and then check back in. Option B? perhaps after this divorce…border line. Option C? Yes and Sometimes…Especially when trying to multi-task. Option D? hmmm Nope. Bless my parents for this but the OCD/Type A in me wouldn’t allow it. Option E? Yes. Sadly Yes. and Yes. Option F? TBA although I know my heart is def. good…whether excellent is the word I use for myself…not likely.

So there is a nice dose of truth. Take it or leave it. Its time to blast what demons I can and leave the rest to the Lord, who has taken care of me in ways I never dreamed possible. I do believe while I sit on the couch with my hand waiting for the other…the Lord takes a seat and quietly holds on. I will stop trying to squeeze his hand and trust that he knows how to make all things right. Even if truth sits in my aching heart, and tears begin to fall…We can do this.

Have a good one. Love…me.

iTs BeCauSe...

a few nights ago, my heart was touched by an unexpected visit and friendship. a high school friend whom i have always loved brought his wife and sister to the greatest place created in arizona...bahama bucks. pure happiness. i had not seen greg since high school and could not get over that he was now a father of 2. his wife and sister were absolutely gorgeous and their inner light matched the outer. during our discussion i not only felt safe to share my past year of experiences but an experience i hadn't even fully digested. since this talk the experience has come to me over and over again. as always, my blog comes to mind. hopefully as time passes, these blogs can become more lighthearted and simple in their expression. or maybe your just STUCK with this over-thoughtful, somewhat meloncholy Alycesun for good...truthfully...i think both can exist and that is the path ahead.

a few weeks ago i went on a 10 day high school trip. the intensity of the trip and exhaustion i felt from a year full of ups and downs seemed to all combine as we traveled from rhode island to conneticut to new york and lastly boston. On wednesday we were at six flags. the air was thick with humidity and the kids were loving life. around 4 the park closed down rides early sharing the need because of weather conditions. We slowly collected our 18 students and headed to the vans. As we came around the bend of springfield, mass. we noticed dark, ugly looking clouds. the traffic was congested and as we looked closer, the main street looked like a war zone. we pulled out our phones and found the cause. tornados. 4 to be exact. i was totally confused and asked one of the chaperone's who is a native to new england. "new england has tornados?" her rely..."this is the first in my lifetime."...of course...

what followed was one of the most intense afternoons and nights i have experienced in awhile. we moved from resturant to resturant seeking shelter as we tried to get to our hotel in Boston...we sought for divine intervention. all 4 chaperones were religious and in a last attempt to receive quidance we went to the back of the resturant and prayed for direct quidance of where to go for safety. north. immediate peace. we climb into our silent vans. students silently prayed, listened to ipods and watched the weather worsen outside. the lightning was unreal. flooding filled the streets and yet the peace was tangable.

as i sat in the front of the van looking into one of the scarier storms i have been in, muddled thoughts seemed to fill my mind. half a prayer of help and half a prayer of gratitude. over and over again i simply asked for help. we need help. suddenly memories of a similar moment filled my heart. i was in arizona. at my grandpas beautiful ranch. my husband has just shared that he wanted a divorce. grandpa asked to have some time with him...i don't remember much of those moments...i stumbled out into the dessert...the gorgeous sun was shining. i fell to my knees and asked in full desperation to my Heavenly Father over and over again to please help me, my marriage...i didn't understand...i needed help. i would love to say my words were filled with hope and faith. i was in unknown territory...little did i know the reality of what was ahead. slowly peace filled my heart. i knew it was going to be ok.

now as i sat in my chair the same peace filled my heart and a simple statement came into my mind as I asked for safety..."Aly, I have always taken care of you." to which, I as the far too Sassy and Stubborn woman I am, immediately thought, "You know...Sometimes it doesn't feel like it. Your Ok...is not MY idea of Ok." Surprisingly anger filled my heart as I watched the storm outside. "i don't like this. the knot in the stomach. the panic of safety. the constant anxiety of what do to next. why?"...

then the moment came...as it always does. the quiet voice inside my head seemed to almost smile. my thoughts quieted and the statement that followed my "Sometimes it doesn't FEEL like it..." came. "Its because I don't take away the Tornado's."...the truth of that statement filled my heart. a year later...as i sat in a van, in boston, massachusats the clarity of the dessert came to me. it was ok. it wasn't amazing. it wasn't the outcome i would have chosen, but a year and half later...with ZERO tornados taken away...it was ok. truthfully is was better than ok...it was a deep, real ok. filled with peace never understood if experiences had not occured. huh. so perhaps the need to share this experience with greg, mimi and Megan and now on my blog is because i feel the deep power of this hard principle.

i wish i could take away the pain of so many hearts right now. there seems to be an abundance of "tornados" in the lives of so many. As i hear story after story...it seems, that they are not being taken away. why? Because...God will have a Strong People. He must...if we are to be able to fight and conquer this life. i watch my brother and his incredible wife and little boy...why must they battle the deaths of 2 beautiful girls...because it has the potential to make them better than they ever imagined...so perhaps in those moments when the pain is so real...or the frustration builds up in the day to day realities...and your thinking, "Sometimes Heavenly Father...it just doesn't FEEL like your are taking care of things...Your Ok...is NOT my idea of OK"...to which I can see him smile in a loving way and state, "its because...i don't take away the tornados...its because...you must grow to become great. its because...growth comes from deep opposition. its because...one day you will see clearly. AND your ok, will be the same as my ok. its because.. i love you."

Have a good one. love...aly

Sarah Clare

dear beautiful sarah,

i am sitting here in my room on this beautiful easter morning and my thoughts are on you and your beautiful family. i love your dad so very much. he and i used to play with each other all the time. part if it was out of sheer force...we didn't have friends:) the rest of it was sheer adoration. i thought he was the perfect brother. he would laugh at my jokes, follow my crazy schemes and always hug me when i was sad. joshua saw my passion and crazy spirit, and just smiled. the question that has plagued my life this past year has seemed to repeat itself as I watched your sweet parents face yet another loss of a beautiful little girl. why. i will never forget my brothers face as i walked down the hall of a place meant for happy endings. the hallways smell of new baby. pictures of gorgeous little ones fill the hallway. all i can hear is my footsteps and my heart is quietly aching for the reality of this moment. i see his face...oh sarah, he is so very sad. his beautiful wife, your mom, holding hands in a silent room waiting for their beautiful sarah to come.

then you came. the moment filled with sorrow and deep joy. now they are facing each day without you for now. your mom is facing the lonely ache of 2 beautiful little girls waiting for her in heaven. i needed to fully introduce myself. im aly. your aunt. im far from perfect and as you will see through the years on the other side...im the sassy one. i have lost a loved one, but not in the way your family experienced. mine still lives, but has decided that he doesn't want me. sounds so pitiful...perhaps it is. but sarah, i cannot deny that this experience has only made me better. it is slow process. letting go of dreams, is not an easy buisness. my sweet brother, your dad and your beautiful mom are facing this exerience in a very raw way as well. joshua used to be the most sensitive brother with my stuffed animals. he would hold the babies for me, because i def. didn't trust caleb...bless him and his buzz cut and army pants;) all he has wanted is to become a dad. it is a deep deep dream for him and cambree. they hurt now, but know the blessing is greater than they ever thought possible.

so. beautiful sarah. tell grandma alycesun i love her. please thank her for her presence in those dark nights when i did not want to live. and also being there in those moments when heaven and earth combine and joy seems so trite of a word. give gracie love from all of us. now that im in arizona i cannot visit her grave as often as i would like. i love her. i love you. i cant wait to meet you and hug you and kiss your perfect face. and from a sister perspective, your dad is still perfect. visit him and cambree often...they need you and gracie. you need them. and we all need what this day represesnts...our savior, Jesus Christ.

love,
aly