Wednesday, April 18, 2007

God is with me... and he says "Peace be with you"

I am always so amazed with my lord...
how he can always be there to provide for me...
how he can always be there to comfort me and give me the words that i need to hear...
how he shows his perfect love for me...
and seriously, i do feel that i might be his favourite child after all?
hahaha...
nah, i'm not fighting with pastor David here... :P

Really... seriously... amazing...
just amazing and indescribable is this feeling and encounters...
really...
one after another...
let me share it with you guys...

After what had happened on saturday,
i was seriously down...
sad... miserable... watever u call it...
and on sunday, i went to church early in the morning to seek his comfort...
really...
apart from the usual time where i spoke to him in tongues,
he blessed me with his words indirectly thru pastor chee kin who was doing the preaching that morning... always letting me know at the right time, what i needed to know...
taken from John 20:19-23

"On the evening of that first day of the week, when the disciples were together, with the doors locked for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said,"Peace be with you!" After he said this, he showed them his hands and side. The disciples were overjoyed when they saw the lord. Again Jesus said,"Peace be with you!As the Father has sent me, i am sending you. And with that he breathed down on them and said, "Receive the Holy spirit.If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven;if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven."

The lord has come to reassure me thru pastor Chee Kin that my fears are unfounded, that i should be reminded of my faith and continue to trust in him that he will see things thru for me and grant me peace!
After hearing this, i immediately see the light already...
i knew i was really over reacting on my part...
that i had my own faults as well as i looked back on the events that had unfolded over the week...
and from that point onwards, i had peace...
peace that stems from his love,
from his reassurance that i could just leave my life in his hands...
and everything will be straighten by him...
i really just brighten up after the service...
really...

really...
i need to forgive people for their sins...
so i forgave her which leads to my phone call, and which leads to our reconcilation...
miraculously, she was also happy to see me and to be forgiven, and we had such a great time together after that...
its not nice to be angry for so long...
especially with the one u love deeply...

and guys...
i didn't share this problem with people at all...
but i was actually troubled for the past 2 months or so, by the fact that i couldn't find any attachment companies even after the application date is like way overdue...
which could ultimately lead to me having to graduate after my usual 4 years...
how sad if that were to happen right?
and that has really been giving sleepless nights really, where i could only pray for him to help me...

but i just wanna share this piece of good news...
this miraculous good news...
that i've just been accepted into Siemens this coming holidays!
Yes!
And prof Chua has decided to approve my application even though i'm handing in late becos he wants to see me graduate on time!
And i would also like to thank all those people who has helped me find jobs too, Wendi, kaishen, weiliang, Natalie, Prof Koh...
Really man, you guys are my god bless friends who has been encouraging me thruout this whole episode...
last minute, miracles can still happen...
hahaha...

Such is the power of my God...
such is the perfect love of my God...

Pastor chee kin went on to share a great story about what peace is...
he shared that once upon a time, there was a king who is searching for a painting with the theme on peace...
after many rounds of competition, it boils down to 2 pieces...
the first piece shows a magnificent scenery of the hills and mountains, clear blue sky with some white clouds, reflection of the sky on the face of the lake in the middle... wow, this is certainly the kind of place people definitely wanna escape to, to seek peace and away from the troubles of their lives...
on the contrary, the second piece shows dark clouds looming, storms, still got hills and mountains, but the greenery are whithering, there was a forest fire going on some more... but at a corner of the painting, it shows a nest of birds, the mother feeding the young chicks with worms and seeking shelter from the storm...
Which painting do you think, won the prize?
Quite contrary to many people's beliefs, it was the ugly one that won...
the rational?
Peace is not something that you can get, just by running away to some paradise where the storms are not there and you make believe urself to be free from worries and thus peaceful by being in those places...cos reality will still come back and hit you...
But peace is something, that amidst all the storms and unhappiness that is in your life, is still present in your heart, and the belief that you know you are and will be peaceful, no matter what comes your way...
I mean... this is just so profound la!
Wow...
Exactly like what God is providing for everyone of us now...
the peace that ensues amidst all the storms in our lives...
the assurance that he will always be there for us...
and friends, i have experienced all these wonderful things, how about you?

really, its just amazing...
its just amazing what God has granted me...
And with excitement, i await to see future works of him in my life...
cos i know he will never let me die...
he will make me prosper and abundant...
And God, is there any way i can show u my appreciation?
just name it!
haha...
Hope to hear from you again lord...
lord of my life...
love you!

alvinz blogged at 2:44 PM

***

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Tried to sleep after my last post but i cant...
tears just kept flowing...
i dun understand just why must this happen to me now?
Right at this moment?
barely 5 days to my first paper...
must my inner strength be tested all the time?

i forgot that i only had a meal today...
too busy to eat anything after i went around the whole of orchard this afternoon searching for the present to cheer her up...
my stomach is empty and uncomfortable but my mouth just refuse to take in anything...

I'm tired but my mind just refuses to stop thinking of things...

thinking of all the things that i've done for her...
all the smiles and happiness i've given her...

never getting appreciated by her...
never once did she stand up for me when peole talk bad about me...
"Just listening and taking in everything people tell me and i dun wish to tell anyone" she says...

by now, i'm still just an outsider...
nothing more...
i give her everything and she took everything and left me nothing...

and all these felt so real...

she says she hates her bf for hiding things from her...
because she'll be hurt even more when she found out herself...
but she has became the very thing she despises...
and this time, i'm the victim...
but the feelings are the same...

she would rather make the effort to encourage him to do well in his exams than encourage me...
so much for a dinner... nicely sum up with a hug that will make her cry after that...
normal dinner or normal outing?
ya rite...

i would certainly be so happy even if she just ask me out for dinner...
just to see her making a little effort to make me happy...
but i dun think i'll see it...

I'm so heartbroken and i dunno just how soon can i pick myself up again...
will i fail my exams this time?
does it matter anyway...?
will she even care anyway?
isn't she more concern about him in any way more than me?

i'm so stupid... so stupid...

alvinz blogged at 11:27 PM

***

End of the road...

Truth hurts...

I thought i could last until she has finally recognised me as the one in her life who has always been so so true to her...
I thought i could understand everything that she is going thru and i'm prepared to brave any storms with her by being her shelter...
I thought i could make her life so much more than she has ever been...
I thought i could bring her to the light and keep all those evil people away...
But i have never ever thought that my nightmare could come true at such a crucial hour...

No mood?
haha...
No mood still can arrange to go for a dinner before exams?
Very good...
When is my turn coming to go for dinner before exams?
I dun think she intended to ask anyway...

Truth hurts...

"Dun worry, now there'll be no one to tell you whether you're doing the right or wrong things anymore................. no one to tell you what to do............................ and no one to care for you anymore.................... Thats what you want isn't it?"

These are the exact words that i said to her...

And i always knew she would never have make me stayed...
She would never cherish me...
All these... that i yearn so much...
She would never give me...
But i still opened my heart to her...
To seek all those deepest stabs she can ever give me...

Will she even sms or call me after that?
I dun think so...
maybe she even yearned for me to disappear just like that!
Hah~ Good riddance!

I'm stupid...
Yes i know... i just told myself this morning...

I will always remember the courage that i had, to not to drop any tears in front of her...
the courage to walk out after that...
the courage to stone all the way home...

I will always remember the loneliness i have as i walked in the rain...
with the rain resonating with the weather in my heart...

I will always remember the pain that i have to endure all alone...
with nobody caring...
its my own fault...
Yes i know...

I think rain knows me best now...
is that the reason why i like listening to the rain?

and rain...
is right here with me...

alvinz blogged at 8:48 PM

***

Crows crows, why wun they go away?

Crows are crowing all the time...
giving people the false sense of help...

i just dun understand,
why are there always people with so many things to say?
they think they are trying to help, but in actual fact, they say something to make the person have second thoughts, and then leave the person to sort things out, never ever helping the person to see it thru...
even when the truth has kept proving itself time and time again that they are wrong, they can easily still come back saying things like "I still feel that he is untruthful" when there's no rational behind it...
isn't that doing more harm than good to the person?
What kind of help is that man?
Aren't they like wishing to see more "show" happening?
Adding fuel to the fire only?

I just knew that she was troubled...
troubled by something unknown to me...
something that she has refused to tell me...
and i think she has just leaked it out to me...
people are still talking a lot of nonsense...
and she's still taking everything in without knowing right or wrong...

i just dun understand how can she just dun see the difference between me and other people?

The things that i advice her, that i cautioned her...
the things that i do for her,
the care and concern that i showed her,
the precautions i threw in place to protect her,
i think i can be a very good husband already...

And my concerns are just the same things that her parents would tell her as well?!
but she thinks i'm just like ANY other people,
trying to TELL her what to do...
Trying to force her to accept things irrationally, and want her to do things that i want her to do, no questions ask...

and i asked myself "REally meh? I'm such a manipulative person meh? I'm like a crow who creates trouble meh?"

I looked back towards all those times where i've cautioned her before,
or even pointed out her mistakes at handling her life...
didn't i presented all the facts and figures and analyse things rationally with her,
showed her what would be the consequences of her subsequent actions,
gave my own unbiased point of view,
and showed her the various options avaliable before her so that she could decide for herself?
And even the times when she just dun wanna think so much and just anyhow decide in my way, didn't i advise her never to buckle to the pressure i might be giving her?
She needs to understand why she's doing it for herself, not for my sake the stupid person!

Wah lao, there were so many times where i would have just told her "You are so stupid! Cannot think for urself so let me think for you!" but never once did i do that...
never once did i say "I say so, thats why u must do things MY way!"

She just likes to put herself in dangerous situations,
situations which might deal her a great deal of pain and suffering,
but she just dun wanna listen to me about thinking so much for herself so that she can protect herself!
My advices are falling on deaf ears!

And i can feel it...
i can feel that she is hiding more and more things to herself...
she used to tell me well... most of the things that her friends have been telling her, whether good or bad...
but now?
its just... silence, i dunno, dun wan to say...
i probe?
no use... she just wun say and she might just get even more emotional...
i respect her, hoping she'll tell me one day...
but i think its hard...
well, maybe i'm too harsh to her by showing her the evils of this world one after another till she just dun wanna think so much anymore and finds my advices more annoying than beneficial to her? If i only tell her the good things, things that she likes to hear only and not what she needs to hear which more often than not, are not pleasing to the ears, then i'm not helping her at all! I would be seeing her fall into an abyss which i can see and not doing anything to help her... would that make me a good friend? a good lover? a good caretaker?

If her idea of a good friend or lover is just someone who says nice things everytime, pampers her and give her the illusion of happiness, then sorry i cant do it...

If she dun wanna help herself,
then there's nothing my help can do...
cos i dunno how to help you when i dunno where u need help!?

What can i do?
I'm worried for her and my heart hurts as i see how she continue to live her life the way it is before and continue to get hurt with no lessons learnt at all...
How can anyone continue to be so stupid?

And this reminded me of my parents in their early years of marriage...
where somehow, they always quarrel because my dad goes out with his friends and they teached him all the wrong things which he thought they were trying to help him...
come back and quarrel with my mum for some stupid reason his friends pointed out where due to his simplistic thinking, cant even judge for himself whether they are right or wrong!
how absurd it is when they anyhow just say something like "I look at your wife and think your wife will bring you bad luck! Never get controlled by her, she's a bad wife!" and he actually believed them at that time!
What a great example of crows!
Only know how to wreck havoc within harmony nia...
Good thing my dad has since woken up and learnt from his lessons liao, and it wasn't an easy journey too... think it took him about 15 years into his marriage to realise his folly... How can a husband not trust his wife who loves him more than anyone else?

How can she not trust me more than anyone else when i love her more than anyone else in my life?

And i realised, its not the crows who are at fault, they are just behaving like themselves!
Who's at fault is the one who seeks to listen to them and bring harm upon herself...
so who can blame anyone but themselves?
Stupid girl!
Thinking that if she dun give her friends the chance to voice their opinions, she might lose them?
But if its only trouble that they give, i would rather not have them as friends...

I'm disappointed, tired and demoralised...
but i still need to gather her spirits together and cheer her up again...
But why would a nobody in her life do that for her time and time again?

I'm a nobody, i dun get recognised for my efforts repeatedly...
I'm stupid, really very stupid...
And she still dunno that its the kind of sacrificial love i'm giving her...
The kind that all girls crave...

I love you girl with all my life...
But i'm dying here because of your foolishness...

alvinz blogged at 10:54 AM

***

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Getting out of Negativity...

Ok...
my blog has resumed its previous image...
that certainly dun suit me...
i'm an optimistic person lor...
how can i let such things affect me for so long right?
haha...

well, pulling myself out from the shit hole can be quite a chore...
but i need to do that...
couldn't be that both of us are down isn't it?

all that i wanna do right now is to concentrate on my studies and making my decent living...
and the rest?
well... i leave it to God to decide for me ba...
no use pursuing something that God doesn't bless me because its only through him, that things are possible...
my puny human brain can never fathom what lies ahead of me when i choose the route myself...

there...
:)

alvinz blogged at 11:02 PM

***

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Can i stop thrashing in my bed?

i think i can...
i've always work with this belief that by the time your hurts will no longer make me thrash in my bed,
you would have meant nothing to me already...
if peace comes at that price...
i'll pay the price which i've always find it reluctant to do so...

alvinz blogged at 11:23 AM

***

Holding on with no reason...

it is obvious...
obvious that she's defending him...
and defending their failed r/s...
again...
and even when she can say that she feels nothing for him,
i finally found out the part 2 to her answers which she has always been hiding inside her last night...

"when couples are together for a long time already, its naturally that feelings will die down, i'll not have the longing to see him cos the honeymoon period is over, but that doesn't mean it is a strong enough reason for me to believe i dun love him anymore..."

i had held on to a false fact, believing that it was true,
that she no longer feels anything for him...
that she dun miss him, she dun have the longing to see him, that she feels normal just like treating any friend when talking to him...
and all of these, which should logically and rightfully point towards the conclusion that she do not love him anymore, can be so easily overthrown by her own psychological manipulation of her own mind, to change her own definition of love to even believe that in the absence of all these feelings, she could still be loving him...

and which i must agree...
love is a feeling that is undescribeable...
love makes you do things which you cant explain why you do it, yourself...
so she is doing things that she cant explain, which even i also cant explain for her...
so i guess she loves him...
and she has made me done so many things for her which i cant explain why i would go thru all these troubles to do it...
i guess i love her...
no...
i knew i love her...

but...
i'm so silly...

silly to the fact that like her,
i'm holding on without a reason...
it is obvious she dun love me...
it is obvious that she just wanna hang on to him because she still loves him...
it is obvious that i'm just a substitute in her life...
and it is even more obvious that she has never shown me the kind of recognition and security that i'm the man who has been making such a big difference in her life...

but i'm silly enough to hold on...

silly enough to be blocking out every girl who is interested in me just for her...
silly enough to be giving up so much of my time to accompany her just so that she can be happy...
silly enough to believe that she will be faithful to me and trust me...
silly enough to keep on believing her that she is trying her best to be fair to me by trying to solve this problem fast...

i'm so silly...
And i think i know what is the fairest thing to do now...

alvinz blogged at 10:32 AM

***

Am i an evil person?

I must admit, i was once again devastated when she told me that she is going for a movie with him...
sigh...
my first thought was: "Again? And i thought i've given them enough chances and time to patch up liao... and now, again?"
i thought he has retreated, for he said he has no motivation to be in a relationship anymore... but i guess, things just doesn't change isn't it?
he will always come back and haunt us like a restless spirit...

and i thought also...
can i once again be a gentleman and endure all these sad feelings alone and let them enjoy time again?
after so long when i thought our feelings were finally moving along, and i felt her accepting me a little more each day...
then this have to come...
once again, i'm lost...
the kind of assurance that i thought i was finally given turned out to be false... or issit?

why then did she actually asked if i would be ok if she goes for the show with him?
why, it feels like she is treating me as her bf and really asking for my consent?
it felt good and comforted me at that point in time... until it hit me as to whether my view of her actions would mean anything to her or not?
would she not go with him if i tell her i'm not happy abt it?
or would she still go ahead knowing that i'll definitely be upset by it?
i really do not understand this...
just wat is she thinking?
what is she trying to achieve out of this?
i do not know...

my heart hurts as my words caused her tears to fall...
i know she is struggling inside her to find out the answer, but has there been any progress at all? how can one still feel as if she is in love with the person when there's no longing, no affections? i just dun understand this...
Isn't it clear enough?
but this also brought back memories, memories of how my first ex had put me in the same situation, with me knowing that i can only accept her answer and my answer do not have any significance to the situation at all...
that was so helpless, and i could only swallow it...

how can i be sure that you are not asking me for "fun"?
Am i an evil person who presses for answers and puts u in an emotional spot?
i dunno how to help u except advise you and show you the things which are obvious... but even obvious things do not hold truths to you anymore...
Then there is nothing else i can do... but to prepare myself for that possible day...
the day that she might tell me she can't trust her logic anymore,
that she believes in the stubborn and unexplainable actions of hers to keep holding on is the proof that she loves him...
that i'm not the one after all...

alvinz blogged at 2:27 AM

***

Monday, March 19, 2007

Still Waiting... with a different background...

All's calm now...
A very encouraging talk it went...
i guess both of us just cant bear to be seperated for too long...
both were happy to see each other...

i can remember the scene when she saw me appeared suddenly at her workplace and her face just brightened up immediately, and she sank into her role of a demure girl who's touched by the presence of her lover appearing...
and i remembered the way she skipped her way back to her lab when she forgot to take something before we left...
so sweet...
only i can see it...
is she aware of the simple happiness that i created in her?
is she aware of her own reaction?

We had a really long talk, 4 hours? We sat there examining what exactly needs to be done, what are the obstacles that are still standing in our way, and i gave her 2 options...
no unreasonable force, just a comforting environment...
and she made that choice...
the encouraging choice...
i could see now, where exactly that she wanna head towards...

And I wanna be there to support and encourage her as she climbed her way out of the chaos that was tormenting her for one whole year already...
i'm here for u my love...

alvinz blogged at 9:46 PM

***

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Waiting... day 2...

Broke my rule again last night,
its just so painful not to talk to her at all for one whole day...
i think it has gotten worse for me,
i love her so deeply, even more deeply than ever before...
how am i to get out of it if the outcome is not what i always thought it will be?

what if at the very last moment, she comes and tell me that she did everything that she did with me in a folly?
what if the sweetness that she has shown me before, all the behaviour that is only possible if she feels like a girlfriend to me, are just my own figment of imagination?
what if her assurances that her positive answers to all my qns are false?

wise men say one of the greatest rewards of being in a relationship is knowing that the person you love, needs u...
will she need me?
i know i yearn for her and i need her to bring those unique smiles to my otherwise, dull face...
but am i significant and of any importance to her in her life?
does she see me under the same special light just like i see her?

i'm asking questions i've no answer for...

i had a chance to talk to ah juan last night, sharing my troubles with her...
and i was delighted that i managed to receive some enlightenment from her...
she said that in a relationship, when the love component is no longer doing most of the work in maintaining the relationship, the pillars of friendship takes over... and if even that fails, then there's no use trying anymore, just like she and her ex bf whom she has held on for ages and ages without realising it...
which is why, girls should actually cherish their friends more so that they can rely on them for support when their love life doesn't work out!
and she confessed to being someone who cherishes friends more than her bf... and that actually, she would find losing a friendship more painful than losing a bf who is not compatible with her...
but that isn't the direct realisation that i had...
but rather, it sets me on a self-reflection...
i asked myself this question: "Was i too harsh in telling her that the price that she has to pay to be with me is to lose contact with her ex?"
which could very well translate into something else when viewed from her perspective:"The price i must pay to be with you is to lose a friendship which i had for 6 long years?"

wow, i've never seen this perspective before...
it got me guilty...
am i too selfish by doing that?
even though i do dislike the very same guy who has falsely accused me, being rude to me and caused so much problems for us by being so irritatingly annoying, am i too selfish to breakup a friendship as well?
to me, my love would rank above all friendships...
but i know she is the type that cherishes friendship more,
am i asking for too much then?

Gosh... i'm such a selfish jerk!

but what can i do now?
shd i tell her that its ok if she maintain her friendship with him?
i am ok with that now...
but i'm not suppose to contact her!!!
sigh...
dilemma...

sigh sigh sigh...
i'm at a loss...
where is my direction?
where should i go from here?

i need some sleep man...
even sleep is becoming a problem...

i just hope that she is well...

alvinz blogged at 11:06 PM

***

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Waiting... 1st day...

I guess it has just boil down to this...
This period of indefinite waiting...
And again i'm waiting, and i hope it will be the last waiting period...

why did she take so long to tell me that she feels like she needs to be alone and i even have to dig it out of her before she'll tell me reluctantly?
why when i asked her last sun whether she wanna be alone and she chose to "forget" it?
why did she find it a dilemma to ask me to retreat?
issit becos she finds it hard to tear herself away from me?
issit becos one side of her tells her that she loves me, but another side of her says she's afraid of opening herself up?
issit becos she likes me but finds it a big step to commit herself to me?
issit becos she is afraid of getting hurt again when she gets into a relationship?

so many questions...
in my mind...

i'm breatheless...

but if she dun take this step,
she'll never know whether love is everlasting just as i said...
i'll never have this chance to prove to her that i am what i am and i will do what i said i would do for her...
We'll never have the chance to live out the happiness that comes after this decision...
sigh...
so close yet so far...

i'm not one to sweet talk alot, though most of the nice comments that i usually say of you comes truly from my heart... and usually when i say i will do something, i'll definitely do it...
just as i've done so all these while since you've known me...
Actions always speaks louder than words, and i know that and embraced it as my own personal principle...

but will i be given this chance?

will she pay the price of opening her vulnerable heart to me again in exchange for what i wanna show her and giving her what she always wanted?

i hope i wun have to wait too long...
Hope she can take care of herself without me around her...
loving you everyday...

alvinz blogged at 12:11 PM

***

Friday, March 09, 2007

I'm sorry that i have to include this entry here... really spoiling this whole thing...

she helped keith today for his song, and i'm glad that everything went well, and she didn't make too many mistakes to the point of spoiling things... further more, the difference in the sound engineer's attitude towards her voice made all of us feel that her voice is indeed special... and i'm glad that i was there with her, encouraging her, and supporting her thru all these... and seeing her succeed in it really make me feel accomplished as well...

but i guess the things that happened today also happened for a reason ba... let me just give a intro of what are the things that happened...
1st, she met her colleague on the train when i was around, and i overheard her referring to me as just her friend when her colleague asked her if i'm her bf...
2nd, when we were going home at dhoby ghaut, just nice there was a guy who was talking loudly to his friends and complaining about the girl he had been trying to chase for a long time...
3rd, when i asked her if she missed me seriously after 4 days, she answered me seriously that she dun...
4th, she is still uncomfortable when i get close to her...
5th, she fell asleep while waiting for my return call when she knows that i'm not feeling alright...

the things got me thinking...
it has been some time since i know her, it has been some time since we are in this situation,
it has been some time since i told her that her ex has given up the pestering and chase and that she ought to decide asap if she still loves him just in case its too late for her to get back tog with him...
and she has stuck on to me...
but i seldom ask her if she is still in contact with him, but i do remember that she answered his granny's invitation to visit her for the new year just last week... though its bad to suspect all these, but i guess she is still in contact with him, maybe it was all a cover for him so that i can lower down my guard, maybe he has not given up yet, maybe she has just asked him to stay until she has made up her mind? afterall, i dunno the things that she told him...

maybe maybe...
too many maybes...

i think what i need to do is to remind myself constantly that she could still be in love with him, that she might be hanging out with me becos she pities me, that i shd not hold my hopes too high, that she might just dun wanna lose a friend? that i may not be her type but she finds it hard to tell me that? that she may still be looking around for someone that is more suited to her now that she is single and free to do whatever she wants?
i must continue to discourage myself from putting in my everything, just in case i lose too much...

i'm reminded of all the lousy feelings that i have...
that i'm not appreciated at all,
its really hard loving someone when the feelings are not mutual,
yes, i can give and give and give... but how long can i continue to give without taking? without getting some of the things that i duly deserves?

if she feels bad about joanne labelling her as her neighbour, how would i feel if i'm labelled as just her friend? if she dun miss me at all, does it justifies my feelings for her? if she feels uncomfortable with me getting close to her, maybe she's keeping herself for someone else? or maybe even, i'm too disgusting a creature to be close to?

maybe i'm asking too much from someone who treats me as just her friend ba...
its funny how i can continue to hang on when someone who supposedly loved her for 5 years has already given up...
i'm a fool after all...
but even a fool will get tired...
and i'm tired...
seriously tired and heart broken...
and i guess i can tell my colleague that the holidays are off...

alvinz blogged at 12:47 AM

***

Thursday, March 01, 2007

CNY post!

This is reporter Tan reporting at the bustling site of the CNY 2007 celebrations in bukit panjang! Wow, the atmosphere here is absolutely amazing! The crowd has been chanting non-stop for the star of this year's CNY celebrations, Mr Alvin Tan, to come out! Without further ado, lets move on to the live footage now!




alvinz blogged at 11:49 PM

***

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Accusations...again...

i've never feel more unappreciated than tonight,
all my sincerity is taken with contempt and utter blasphamy...
especially when the expression of unappreciativeness comes along with sacarsm and false accusation...
its ok...
its just a matter of time when the consequences will occur...
i shall not cry this time,
i will be strong,
its not worth crying over such irresponsible actions that occur again and again...
i'm tired...

poison breeds more poison,
lies come along with more lies...
God bless whoever believes in the serpent,
may ur fall will not be too great...

alvinz blogged at 12:02 AM

***

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Sleep is the best medicine...

sad...
sorrowful...
miserable...
bad things are just befalling me again and again even though i'm doing good...
so unfair...
how can i solve them?
get rid of them?

i just wanna sleep,
sleep can pass time,
sleep has no sorrows,
and i will have a chance of not waking up...
so why not?

alvinz blogged at 9:06 PM

***

Where is the trust?

Really, how any truer can i show myself when i've always been true?
can the truth gets any truer than first hand personal experience?
i've always pride myself for being sociable,
is that gonna be the stumbling block for me?

i can't believe it,
if the trust for me was 70%,
how can a 50% beat it?
and so simply at that?
isn't it sweet talking to me too?
you've never trusted me at all...

trust...
no couple can be in a r/s with no trust...

why must he keep coming back like an irritating fly sprouting nonsense?
Keep saying bad things about me when i've done nothing wrong?
wasn't i already very gentleman to him?
closing one eye when he goes out with u,
never disturbed u guys,
never really say bad things abt him except logically examining the r/s...
why must he backstab me with such false accusations all the time?
is he on the thinking that if he cant have her, then neither can i?
adopting the strategy of "even if there's no chance of us being together, i hope we can be best friends" and remain behind to influence her and break things up between us?
stopping her from finding her happiness in the process?

and knowing that she's prone to distrust herself,
knowing that its her weak point,
he is fully making use of her and his past mistakes...
i find it especially amusing how he tries to give her the hint that i might be nothing more like him, that all guys are like him, that he loves to be with his female friends and dun care whether
his girlfriend likes it or not...

and i cant do anything about it,
why do i have to prove myself all the time?
when i'm always true to u...
everything i say or do with be met with doubts from now onwards,
best lor...
must i show that i'm willing to die for you or even be dead for that matter for u to believe me cos only the dead tells the truth?
i dun mind being scrutinize by PIs even cos i've got nothing to hide!

how can u deny what is true when u've seen and heard and experience your time with me personally?
And even more so when he saw me chatting with my female friends and u just took it to be unfaithful and even treat it as if you saw it with ur own eyes?!
and who knows he could even add a few garnishings in future like "i saw him holding hands with this girl in sch" and you would totally believe such nonsense!
kaoz...

i feel very disappointed...
disappointed that the trust u said u have for me is false,
that you've allowed the same problem to keep coming back,
that you've allowed him to keep coming back to keep us apart...

i guess...
i have to rethink certain things...
if even after we get into a relationship and she continue to allow such back stabbing and distrust between us, we will never last...

alvinz blogged at 7:33 PM

***

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Funny me in the new year!



Shot this video on 2nd Jan 2007 after having cake supper with jiahong and sugui...
hmm... i'm not mini me for nothing after all!
haha
enjoy...

alvinz blogged at 9:43 PM

***

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Watching over her from my silent post...

Seriously, after all my closest friends know what i'm going through now,
and discussed with me on the options that i have...
they advocate nothing but for me to move on...
i guess they are being protective of me,
not wanting me to continue to torture myself,
not wanting me to waste my holidays away,
and not keeping the next girl in my life from waiting...
but...
can i have a fusion of your ideas?
can i continue to wait for her but i'll stop torturing myself,
start enjoying my holidays,
and do my important stuff?
and i'm sorry for the next girl in line,
i dunno who you are but u needn't wait for me either...
haha...
watching her from a distance comforts me just as well,
knowing that she's still in sight gives me peace,
and quite bizzarely,
we are communicating on msn in a really funny way,
or maybe i'm just talking to myself again?
haha...
sigh...
when will i see her again?
miss her lots lots...

alvinz blogged at 11:51 AM

***

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Xmas Videos!



This video was captured while i was out with my parents in Orchard Road...
Look at how chaotic it is and what do i mean of snowing by spraying haha...



This video was captured during my morning service where kids were gathered to sing jingle bell rock! haha aren't they cute?



This video was captured during the youth fellowship celebration dinner on friday when i was the drinks IC... haha, some of the guys with good singing prowess were gathered to perform songs for our audience which consists of non-believers and believers... and we call them, our very own, Noel Divo! hahaha...

alvinz blogged at 1:07 AM

***

Monday, December 25, 2006

alvinz blogged at 11:44 AM

***

Sunday, December 24, 2006

A season of thanksgiving or heartaches?

And that reminds me...
out to prove whether its a season of thanksgiving or heartaches?

let me do a count...

Kaisheng broke up with girlfriend -1
kaisheng's friend was too late to propose to the girl he loves - 2
Jiahong's troubled by BGR problems - 3
Weijuan's r/s is once again on the rocks as she is on a severe cold war with her boyfriend who patched up with her after a brokeup a year ago -4
I'm hanging on to a thread of hope after she decided to put me on hold and making me suffer-5

Hmm...
5 examples within a short span of 2 weeks...
do u think thats a high rate?
i certainly think so....
but i guess...
maybe its for the better...
cos the truth/outcome/consequences is not out yet...
it could be a blessing in disguise...
and its things like this that always remind me that God always have a way to show us his love...
perhaps its his way to show that he'll always be with us no matter what happens?
that he'll make things right for us again?
haha
only time will tell...
we shall wait and see his miracles...

and i wonder if she's doing anything on christmas eve or christmas day?
should i ask her out?
i really miss her...
really really...
and i wanna make sure she'll not have a lonely christmas this year...
can i?
i dunno...
most probably, her ex will be there ba...
sigh...
there's no need for me i guess...

alvinz blogged at 4:26 AM

***

A warm dinner and pub...

Had the honour of joining my long time friends, Sugui, jinsen and Jiahong for dinner with their friends, or actually, part of sugui's cell group haha...
Jiahong and Jinsen had earlier accepted sugui's invitation to City Harvest Church's christmas service at expo, so i made them meet me for dinner...
and jiahong brought us to a nice sichuan restaurant opposite the concourse where we had a warm and nice dinner...
warm applies to air con which is not cold enough and food thats spicy enough to make us sweat haha...
it was delicious nevertheless, i think mine was the best, the ma la zha jiang mian...
haha...
and we went to his friend's pub nearby after dinner...
and come to think of it,
its our first pubbing experience together wor!
haha, else we always very guai one, always go coffeeshops nia...
:P
we had a great time singing and drinking and playing bar games...
the microphone there is defintiely better than that of plasma ktv where i frequent with another clique...
our main objective was to make jiahong happy and high cos apparantly, he was also troubled by some problem which he refused to say but which i suspect is another case of BGR problems...
haiz...
at least the waitresses there are very friendly and even serve us drinks constantly and talked to us and was very helpful...
haha, some of them were quite cute too!
That sure took away some sadness...
:P
Though Christmas ought to be a season of thanksgiving, it seems like to me and many of my friends, its a season of heartaches...
seriously,
i hope everything turns out well for everyone of us in the end...
may it be...
a christmas miracle!
Enjoy the pics below!



alvinz blogged at 4:05 AM

***

Saturday, December 23, 2006

her happiness is mine...

haha,
at least she appreciates what i did for her...
i'm happy that at least i'm still able to give her some happiness without meeting her...
she told me that more of my friends wished her than her own friends...
and i just wanna tell her this,
you have me and my friends,
who are also your friends too k?
you are never alone in this world...

and we went on to send each other about 7 smses...
hmm...
not bad, considering that we didn't talk for so long...
but i still missed her a lot...
i yearn to cuddle her when the weather is cold,
i yearn to bear my heart and share my secrets with her...
i yearn to be there for her when she's feeling down...
will she want me there too?

i recalled that i had a friend,
who made a guy waited for her for 3 long years before they finally got together...
but i wonder if in between, did she got attach to other guys or not...
but man...
this guy is really so true to her...
so patient with her...
and now they are happily abroad,
my friend is sticking to him all the way...
hopefully they'll get married and live happily ever after...

and i also recalled that you once asked me a few times before...
that how can i be so sure of my feelings?
how can i be so sure that you are the one for me?

well, my heart says so...
my guts say so...
my brain says so...
the whole me says so!

since i'm so sure...

i have to prove it all with my actions...
if thats the extent to proving my love for you...
proving that true love really exists...
i'll wait for you girl...

and it reminded me of something else too...
didn't your ex promised to wait for you no matter what happens?
how come now he said he was already thinking of moving on after only 2 months apart before you notify him that you are unsure again?
so now, how true are his promises actually?

silly bobo still cant see it...
sigh...

alvinz blogged at 2:16 PM

***

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Weak!

She said she has a bad feeling about her birthday,
afraid that no one would wish her...
so i gave her a little happiness...
i let my friends know that its her birthday today...
up to them to wish her...
and they did...
haha...
hope i'm able to make her happy...
though i'm not beside her now...

but I cried again...
why why why?
i'm so weak...
i can't get up...
i wanna prevent myself from thinking about her...
but it feels like i'm killing myself...
like i'm tearing my organs away from my body...
like i'm suffocating...
cry cry cry...
does it make me feel better?
no it doesn't...

there are too many unanswered questions...

alvinz blogged at 6:06 PM

***

Foolish me has done it again...

Alright alright...
i sent her my wishes...
best...
and when i tot she wun even reply me after waiting for nearly an hour,
she finally replied...
guess she was with her ex after all,
probably had a little bit of a celebration,
a chit chat session...
maybe popped the question?

well, credits to me for being the first person to wish her happy birthday thru sms...
but he is the first person to wish her verbally and face to face i guess...
wait wait....
thats me too!
i wished her face to face on the 18th right? so i'm first right?
haha
and she copied me in the way i sang my birthday song too...

sigh...
sweet memories again...

from the way she replied me,
guess she had fun,
guess she's happy...
thats good...
she should be happy...
and well...
and that makes me happy...
too...

and i had a chit chat session with my friend kai sheng,
and he was telling me all those heartbreaks that he went thru...
and he's even going through a breakup now after a r/s of 2 years...
wow...
and personally, i think he's a good guy too,
a really responsible, thoughtful and caring guy...
yet the girls before him dun cherish him too....
its funny why 2 sad people are comforting each other now...
saying encouraging things which both of us find it hard to carry out...

why good and true guys have to go thru this kind of hardships?
why dun the girls cherish us?
why do they prefer guys who is able to manipulate them or make them submit to them blindly?

it really makes me wonder, does it really pay to be good when you dun get what you want?
all i want is to cherish the girl that i love...
and get loved in return...
what's so demanding about that?

Maybe its good to be a jerk,
no strings attached...
everyone is just out to have some fun...
one night stands...
woo~
love in an instant!
or if not, we could still make love?
haha...

*slap*

i can never be what i cant be...
follies of the human heart...

Well, at least i gathered another opinion today...
Kai sheng was telling me,
he was still maintaining contact with his exes...
and when they left him for another guy,
guys which he and his friends felt was bad or not as compatible as he is with his exes,
and he felt that only time will tell whether he is right or not...
and so far, he has been right...

"Only time will tell if the r/s can work out against all the odds that only bystanders can see...
Be a gentleman, let them go..."

the girls broke up, suffered more heartaches...
all because of their own follies...
blind people...
stupid people...

"well, if things were meant to be...
when she realised who's really true and compatible with her,
she'll come back to you..."

thats what he says...

will it happen?
or will she feel too guilty to come back to me?

i dunno...
i can only hope and pray everyday for her...
even though my heart feels pain for her whenever i see the hardships lying ahead of her,
i know i can't make her see it anymore...
it's her choice to choose...
heaven or suffering...?

if only things are meant to be...

alvinz blogged at 12:34 PM

***

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Dilemma...

Its about another half an hour to her birthday...
and i'm faced with a dilemma of whether do i send her my wishes,
or just let it pass...?
will she appreciate my wishes?
is she enjoying herself in the presence of him now?
haha...

laughing bitterly...

i passed her her birthday present earlier,
so that i can give way to him?

i mean i can just go over to her workplace and pick a fight right?
i'm sure he'll be there...
to take her away from me...

i dun wanna put her in a spot...

though i'm quite sure that she'll prefer i wasn't there,
so she wun get into any trouble...
or issit?

or issit just that she wun want to disappoint me when i have to see her choose to go with him over me?

haha... i guess so...
look at how attached she is to him...

even at times like this,
why do i still find myself giving in to her?
still giving in to them?
kaoz...
i'm the one thats being dumped man...
foolish

you dun even mean anything to her...
piece of shit...

wat do i do now?
can someone tell me how?

alvinz blogged at 11:22 PM

***

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

First baking experience with ah juan...

Taking my mind off her is top on my list of priorities these days...
Even though i'm still praying for her to realise who's really true to her everyday,
her irresponsible actions is telling me to move on...
so when the opportunity calls,
i took it up...
baking carrot cake with cheese frosting!
haha...
ah juan is really bo liao too... but watever, we had fun!
Lets go thru the steps below!

Firstly, we have to get all the utensils ready right? there you go... make sure u have a checklist ready!


Now we have to mix all the ingredients together, the flour, vanilla extract, sugar, eggs, cinnamon powder, walnut crumbs, grated carrot and baking powder... wow... thats a whole load of ingredients, dun miss out on their proportions hor... consequences will be disastrous... and now i also know why ah juan got me here liao... i'm suppose to take the place of her electric beater la! kaoz... it was really hard work mixing that viscous mixture up man... think i trained my muscles liao haha...


alvinz blogged at 12:55 PM

***

Disappointed...

Disappointed that whenever they had some big quarrels, i'll be the first to be cast aside...
I can't believe my eyes when she sent me the smses to get me out of her life...
when the one quarrelling with her is not me,
when i'm not even the one at fault...

and yet just an hour before, we had just made the promise never to lose each other as friends...

and it takes a slap from my friends to jolt me from my senses,
to stop myself from blindly defending her actions...

i was always telling my friends that she's just confused,
she's just at a lost, she dunno what to do,
her actions is just to buy her the space and time to think things through...

but...

if i'm someone of importance to her,
if i'm even a friend of hers,
if all that i've done ever matters to her...

she wouldn't have done such an irresponsible thing to me,
she wouldn't have just cast me aside so easily,
and gave me nightmarish nights,
a lousy appetite,
a depressed mood,
and all this...
when its not my fault...

feel like garbage...
feel like i'm nothing at all...

her sweet assurance that i was never a substitute in her love life seems like an illusion...
so far-fetched from her actions that i find it hard to believe her...

i guess thats the reason why she feels guilty whenever i'm doing things for her or giving her the things she always wanted in a relationship...
she told me she feels that she dun deserve me being so nice to her,
now i understand why,
because i was never important to her,
she knows it inside...
its not because i dun deserve her,
its because the only person she feels deserves her is her ex...

she is too caught up in her own world of pessimism and self-pity,
too caught up in believing that the only person who can give her happiness is her ex,
that when the real happiness comes,
she cant recognise it, she cant embrace it but rather,
she would choose to imprint it on her ex, believing that she can make him give her the happiness that she wanted by keep telling him what she wants...
when his heart is no longer there,
when he can never change his fundamental character...

all your promises is like air to me now...
empty...

alvinz blogged at 12:35 PM

***

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Counting down the hours...

Its less than 12 hours now...
and i'll be seeing her...

had a bad night,
just cant sleep well,
keep thrashing on my bed,
knocking my head on the wall,
kept thinking of her...

all my suppressed feelings thruout the week exploded last night...
and i tot i had successfully controlled my emotions,
when it turns out that they were only suppressed...

its like i'm forcefully tearing myself away from a perfect union,
like separating myself from our intertwinning souls...
so painful...

am i right or am i wrong?
i still dunno at this time...
i really hope she'll be happy...
really...

i shall shoulder this alone...
since it started with me...
it should end with me...

alvinz blogged at 8:47 AM

***

Friday, December 15, 2006

The final steps...

Checking through my fading procedures...

1- clean up friendster account, change status to single - check
2- stop viewing our photos and hide them up somewhere in hope i'll forgot in time to come - check
3- change my handphone pic - check
4- present for tmr - check
5- delete all her sms from my phone - hmm... maybe later... when i have the courage to do so ba

Wat else? hmm...

you know, somehow i just dun feel too good about it...
i'm feeling the pain again...
the pain of losing her to some jerk...
the pain of knowing that she'll suffer...
the pain of losing such a nice soulmate...
the pain of leaving her to fend for herself...

God! Why issit still so painful?
Isn't my mind madeup already?
didn't i have the courage to do it already?

i can't believe that i'm still dreaming on the bus trips that i had throughout the week, of the happy times we'll have if we got together,
thinking of all the things we can do together,
thinking of the stuff we like,
thinking of how happy we'll be,
and i'll be smiling to myself...
wat the heck!
Stop this nonsense!

i dunno...
i am afraid she'll get hurt...
really...
if she gets hurt, i'll feel hurt too...
if she feels upset, i'll feel sad too...
GOD!
I wanna burst already!
And its already confirmed that its gonna be tmr!
I can't continue blogging anymore...
this is gonna be a long night for me...
and i can feel my tears coming...

alvinz blogged at 3:36 PM

***

Godly advice...

Had another session of discipleship with pastor Gideon today,and i found myself growing in the lord again...Exchanged quite a number of useful insights to wats happening in our lives,and i've to thank God for blessing me with them,cos it'll make me stronger for the obstacles ahead in my life...

and then it just had to come to the segment of him questioning me about her,and how's my relationship with...
somehow the slight smile when he asked me that question seems to imply that he knows something even though i never told him about it...
Gosh!
how could he know wats happening in my life when i kept my life a secret from most of my church mates...
Did God reveal it to him?
I seriously dunno man...
and sensing my hesitation, then he said "in between us, there shdn't be things that we shd hide from each other, i would love to share my problems and joys with you too."

Well, his sincerity melted my heart just then... oops, am i using the wrong phrasing?but anyway, i decided to tell him a brief portion of it and the decision that i had let her go seek her own happiness...

to which, he showed me a passage from the bible in the book of Ephesians chapter 5 verse 22 to 28 which goes like this:

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

I felt it was very very meaningful...and it coincides with what i've always felt...that our love for our wives/life partner should be one that will be greater than anything on Earth, other than for the love of God which is definitely uncomparable...not so sure about how women would react to submitting totally to their husbands though haha...

but anyway, pastor Gideon went on to explain the verses,he said that loving our wives would mean that we are willing to even just give up our lives for her so that she would live,it is so great that it is as equal as how Jesus loves the church and died for mankind...wow, it is really great...
and at that point in time, something struck me,i asked myself:"Am i prepared to give up my life for you? Are you worth everything in my life that i would give up everything and do anything just to make you happy?"and i smile confidently to myself, i always know the answer and it seems so familiar to me... dying for the sake of my love is an honour...

And he went on to share a true account from his Malaysia retreat with the adult group...He told me that one night while they were having a exchange session with married couples,they asked an old elderly couple in their 70s about what they love about each other after 40 years of marriage...and the wife looked at the husband lovingly and said "I would never have become who i am on my own, he led me and guide me to be who i am and am proud of."to which the husband also replied "she complement me very well thru these years."
And i mean... wow, so sweet right? the power of LOVE...So real, so true, so everlasting...just like how God loves us and will take care of us...

i'm a sucker for true love, for the perfect love,
i know it, i admit it...
and girl, you once asked me whether true love exists, whether love is really everlasting...my answer to you is always yes,they do exist and i can show you how...

but i know i'll never have the chance to show you the truth, to guide you and to love you the way you want it anymore...

alvinz blogged at 10:07 AM

***

Friends and Foes...

Wisemen always say...

only in times of crisis, will you really see who are your real friends,
and who are not...
to all those people who comforted me sincerely,
i give you my loyalty to be the best friend you've ever had...
whereas to all who tried to strike me at my lowest period,
F*** off man!
you lowest lifeform dun even deserve to speak to me,
let alone be my friend...

let me show you guys an example of a F***** who speaks shit like nobody's business and i shan't mention names cos i think this person ought to be ashamed of himself when he sees this and still says he's a friend of mine:

"
($nae$): yo
(me): yes?
($nae$): you still attached? lolz
(me): haha, your business ar?
($nae$): no la, to suan you
(me): issit? why would i talk to someone who wanna suan me?
($nae$): no la, just kidding...
(me): haha
"
and then we went on to talk about some issues with investment and he was like asking for my opinions on whether its a good time to invest... and because i know how stingy he is and that he only has eyes for female agents who dresses sexily to show him boobies then he will sign, so i refused to tell him my opinions unless he shows his sincerity by booking an appt with me... and my test revealed his true colours!
"
($nae$): wats tt new plan with investment?
(me): u wanna know ar? book an appt with me lor
($nae$): eeeeee, u not chio bu leh
(me): haha, not chio bu then u go look for ur chio bu agent ba
($nae$): haha, i think i wanna be insurance agent, can find chio bu gfs
(me): haha, dun come waste my time la
"
and at this point of time, after wasting my time of discussing investment with him, he went on to say things which pisses me even more...

"
($nae$): like you leh, learn from you one, u shd be honoured
(me): i taught you wat?
($nae$): i following your footsteps mah, fake n go do survey to jio chio bu, main motive is to find gf...
(me): i think you better watch your mouth
($nae$): sorry, the truth hurts, ouch
(me): dun worry, i'm sure people can tell what true friends are, ur words will come back to haunt you, dun worry, i'll make sure of that...

"
And here i am, making sure that this kind of people dun deserve true friends!
!@##%$^%
best time to say such words to me right? F******!

and this guy has been pissing me off right from the start since sept when i was going thru another down period, when he was asking me to give up waiting for the girl i love... look at the kind of words he said which i will always remember:

"
($nae$): aiya, let me analyze the situation for you, judging from your looks, i think you lose to me ba, if the ex better than you, then u can forget it, and judging from your assets, the ex got a car to ferry her around, so if i'm the girl, it'll be better for me to stay with him, thirdly...
"

kaoz... i cant stand this kind of people man, simply no standard, no morals at all... talking to him makes my IQ drop big time! One of his advices even include:

"
($nae$): aiya, r/s is just an indirect way for you to get pussy mah, so if you can eat her, eat her first, so if the r/s dun work out, you wun lugi, at least you gain something, like me liddat, everything you do must not lose, wat you sow you reap, if no gain means you lose la, even if you lose emotionally, u must gain physically so you still gain...

"

TOTALLY CRAP SHIT RIGHT?!
PEOPLE WITHOUT BRAINS MAY JUST DO ALL THE WRONG THINGS HE STATED LA!
I HOPE HE DUN MAKE MORE FRIENDS ELSE HE WILL ONLY LAND THEM IN TROUBLE!

kaoz... God knows how i can get such friends man...
seriously, i think the world would be a better place without them...

alvinz blogged at 1:51 AM

***