~

Worse feeling in the world...
Being misunderstood for something you did not do...
And not being able to change what others think about you...

~

Thaanks guys..
It's time to love myself more..=D

Too much Happiness (Is that what I want?)

Do you guys believe that extreme happiness will lead to sorrow? I finally understand that one can't really retain happiness forever, what is happiness is there's no sorrow? Ironically, what is sorrow if there's no happiness. 2014 by far had been an awesome year for me, but being happy for so many days, now that I'm alone back in the unit, it felt uneasy to have the feeling of loneliness. It's like I really have a lot for this past couple of months, but what if, all of these are just fragments of my imagination, maybe stuff weren't that beautiful at all. I totally agree that I'm someone that look optimistic from the outside, but still I feel that the pessimism within me will always seek for a moment when I'm vulnerable and it will slowly take over. That's when everything in my life starts to fall apart.

From the sincere smile on my face to the smile that I had to fake to hide my feelings.
From the most sincere friendship to the jealousy of nothing getting more.
From the selflessness of giving more to the selfishness of expecting more out of others.
From the most normal gossips to pure hatred.
From trying to care less to caring even into the slightest detail.
From giving advice to craving pity from others.
From a simple hug that I enjoyed to a hug that I hope could last forever so that I can hide that I'm actually not that okay as I seemed.
From doing sweet stuff to another person because of the urge to do it to doing it just because I want to impress others.
From narcissism to actually wanting someone to compliment me so that I feel that I'm really okay.

This might sound ludicrous. But the formal are what I feel when I'm feeling fine, but the latter is exactly what I feel now. Even though I would convince myself and others that when I'm doing stuffs, I'm doing it for others, but at this current moment, I can't even convince myself that I'm actually happy for doing stuff for others.

They would say...
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. I'm trying, but I guess some things are easier said than done.

Urrrggh! Maybe a good night sleep is what I need now. Since if what I feel and think cannot be conveyed to person I want it to be conveyed to. This whole venting I'm doing will just turn out to be naught. Another stupid lengthy "essay" no one would actually care. Period.

H

I told myself that this will be the last time...
Henceforth...
I will become a new person. ^^

Familyness

S.A.L.E
Sunway A-Levels Listening Ears

I wonder how we started this so called "club", but still I really appreciate everything we've been through and discussed so far. So, I have the sudden urge to post something I like about each and everyone of you. Mmmm. You guys have to guess which one is you though.

1. I like how you actually take care of me like I'm your vulnerable little brother.

2. I like how you always allow me to hug you because you're really very huggable.

3. I like how you always exaggerate a lot but still I can see the truthfulness in your actions

4. I like how you will make me want to take good care of you and treat you well.

5. I like how you are always so quiet but still I can see that you enjoyed our company.

6. I like how you make me feel that I'm not alone, especially the being weird part.

7. I like how you would care for everyone and never leaving me behind.

8. I like you refrain yourself from strangulating me since I can sometimes be real unbearable.

9. I like how you have the courage to love and how you wouldn't explode after we criticised you.

10. I like how you would actually reply me after I casually say "love you".

11. I like how you give me the feeling that you're my elder sister that would allow me to be 任性.

12. I like how you would say OMG in a very OMG way. Haha.

13. I like how you're always so talkative in the Whatsapp group. Never leaving the group in silence.

To Everyone:
I Like how we're actually close to each and every individual in the group rather than just being close to a specific person of the group.

Let's have more SALE sessions in the future ya! xD

A Watery 18

This is how some people would picture the graph of relationship against time. Directly Proportional to each other. That would be their answer. But, I believe that relationship especially friendship or even "Family"ship is actually fostered through the highs and lows we been through. It is also how we absorbed each other stories and relate it to ours. Although when you guys celebrated my birthday, it had only been 2 months, but I really appreciate the fact that you guys went through some sleepless night just to plan my birthday. Thank you and love you guys so much. So, I, Allan Tan Zhi Je, living in this planet for 18 years and 23 days would like to challenge the theory that relationships are directly proportional to time. I hereby come out with a theory that, as long as there's "family"ness, time doesn't matter. As long as we trust each other with our story, it shows that the "sudden" togetherness can still be strong. OMG! So much of philosophy in the introduction. Haha. So, those who are reading, probably you can skip this if it bores you. xD

So this is what happened on 10th September 2013~~~~~ (Summarised Version) More like what I felt rather than the chronological order of it.

This is the best birthday present someone can get. The feeling when you read all the wishes one by one, it's really kidda EPIC in a way. You'll be touched, you'll feel important, you'll get all the stuff you get out of them on a daily basis. So, another theory, enjoy all the compliments you can get on your birthday card, because you won't get them as much as you'll get on your BIRTHDAY. So upcoming birthday babies, feel free to get flattered. Haha. So, I'm just gonna reuse this sentence again. 感动的不是什么，而是那些填满满的卡. Thanks GUYS!!!

Frankly speaking, I didn't expect you guys to plan a series of games for me to so call "PERFORM" my stunts. Doing maths without a calculator (Damn that Quadratic Equation), becoming a model (Catwalking and Posing Weirdly), becoming a ballerina (Turning for so many times can be dizzy one you know?! Haha), Kissing Borg's Panda (I'm really sorry, I'm forced to. Haha), Shouting like hell at the floating garden (So many people asked whether I was the person you know? Haha). But still, thank you guys for making it a memorable one. ^^

Some people will say that human would only start regretting when we've done something in particular. But deciding to let you guys carry me and throw me into the water even though I was reluctant at first was the best decision I can make for my 18 birthday. "NO REGRETS!!" Without that memory, my 18th Birthday will no longer be watery. (Since it's kidda hard for me to cry.xD) And thanks weh Quo Liang for jumping in with me. The best part was still hugging you guys when I feel cold. Seriously, I'm the kind of guy that really like hugging people, it gives me the feeling that I'm loved. So, hug me more guys!! xD

Not to forget, infinite gratitude to my housemates that made my watery 18 even more wet. Haha. Although you guys celebrated one day later and even came out with a kidda weird plan, but you guys really did make my day. ^^ So thanks a lot guys~~~~ Jason! Too bad you got wetter than I did, you really need to practise on your splashing. Haha. 

So, to sum up everything I've just typed spontaneously, I really enjoyed the 3 months (Officially 3 months today) I've spent with you guys. And I hope the days to come will be filled with "Family"ness.

FAMILY的感觉.. Thanks for giving it to me..

~~

一瞬间。。
觉得自己真的很失败。。

~

好想问你。。
那你要的是什么？

~

不是遗忘了..
只是在乎得不明显。。

~

All i can say is..
Everyone have that one boundary..
And everything i hate them most just seems to cross that line today..

Damn it.. It's supposed to be a great day..
Now.. It's just another depressing one..

~

有时候。。

真希望自己可以发那小小脾气。。

First Step

Last Wednesday went to Sungai Long for a interview. Hehe. Many people ask me why UTAR also need interview. Actually only the course i'm taking requires one. And hohohohoho I'm accepted!But the offer letter came a little late so I actually started class without becoming an official student there. Haha. Varsity life. Something new, have to take some time to adapt to it. The person that sat beside me during my Critical Thinking class is Michelle Tan. The name of my godmother.xD The first day at UTAR, i wore a shirt with the writing "NERD". But i regretted. TT There's someone sitting in front of my that's even more nerd than me. He's already halfway through the MATHS book. I reckon he already finished all the syllabus of the 1st trimester. Because he even answered the definition of Critical Thinking in full! WOW! And he's a walking dictionary. I bet! Hehe. Foundation in science leading to MBBS! I passed the interview by the way. Hehe. Saw Kun Ting. But he's in the physics class and i'm in the Bio class. So apparently I have to make friends all over again. BUT i'm a shy person!!!! Good luck to me though. Hehe.. I seriously MISS YOU GUYS ALREADY!!!

End

Damn.. I'm so bored. == Decided to blog about my boring life..
When you're going to school, you would crave for the holidays to come. And when you're having your holidays, you would want to go to school so badly. Haiz. That's what i'm feeling now. Awake at 12.32 a.m. I bet the night is still young for most of us. But sometimes, I really hope I have a reason to force myself to go to bed early. After SPM, my schedule is quite packed too, not that i've gone any where for a vacation, it's more like planning for my future studies, going out with friends, yam cha with friends, having dinner with friends, going for movies... Mmmm. Nothing special. Even though I have my days packed with activities. Especially the last 3 days of 2012. But it seems like you're busy when you're out somewhere, but when you're back home. The boredom strikes. Watching series and playing WOW do eat up most of the time, but I simply don't get the satisfaction from doing it. Haiz... Sien diao...=C