people who had always been skinny... i hate you.

do you know how sad it is for a food lover to get into depression because of growing fat? to feel nauseous every time after eating. and when hunger strikes, there isn't much appetite, and the pleasure of eating is all gone, knowing that one will just feel like crap after eating... trust me. the feeling totally sucks.

p.s. i wanna live in a world without cockroaches.

one year. i'm sorry to be below par, for all my selfishness. i really want to change. i'm still trying. i'm sorry for all the disappointment i've caused, all the unhappiness you experienced. i'm still growing up even though i'm old. i hope you never give up on me.

ps. there are some things i will probably never dare to talk to you about:(

last of all, you there, study hard and do everyone proud!

quit smokes makes one fat

office job makes one fatter.

terribly depressed over my gain in fats.

dad says he cant renew my sis' safra card, meaning i cant go to the country club to swim... i hate going to the public pool. too crowded and full of annoying kids... sian...

TARA framework:

transfer the risk

avoid the risk

reduce the risk

accept the risk

my version: risk of breaking your heart in love

transer: there's no way to transfer so skip

avoid: dont fall in love

reduce: dont put the whole heart into the relationship

accept: just accept the risk and go for it (my position)

falling into a cold dark abyss... a neverending labyrinth... i'm disintegrating and theres no wind to carry the cry for help.

i wonder, where has all my time and money gone to? i cannot recall my past, i'm scared to think of the future. what if i'm deserted in a future i dun wanna be in? will i be robbed of my happiness? forced to live a life where my inner self, the true one is slowly bleeding, withering...

why do we have to forever strive or aim for the future? are we living in the future or in the present?

somewhere somehow, i have lost myself. got too influenced by people around me, focused too much on my future. sure its important to work towards a better future, but its crucial to be living a life and not crawl towards the future, oblivious to all the surrounding.

falling down has always been painful. i know that. i'm just not smart enough to remember why i fell, and how to avoid that in the future. i just cannot get my brain to function enough to take care of myself. and yet, i instinctively refuse help, advice. i guess i'm just stubborn like the cow i am, and will eventually become Grade A singapore beef, and get eaten up one day.

to be able to think wisely, plan properly... its just not me. i'm just random and impromptu. i do what i have to do, and i will decide what i have to do when the circumstances requires. why is living so hard?