Amity

"Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down." - Unknown


I am the first one to admit that I am a terrible friend. I hate that about myself. I have all the best intentions and love my friends deeply, but when it comes to commitment sometimes I, well, simply suck.

I grew up in a small town and spent my first five years as an only child living on a farm far from any neighbors, much less any with children my age. What I had were lots of cousins. And I do mean lots. My father is one of eight children and I was fortunate to grow up on the same land as he was raised and just up the hill from my grandparents. This means I was constantly surrounded by cousins. This was absolutely terrific during summer days and holiday times. It also eased the loneliness that sometimes comes from being an only child. I sure do miss those days. And my cousins.

During elementary school and on through high school I grew up with the same group of friends over those 13 years. When there are only 80-some folks graduating with you there are some great relationships formed over the years. We all remember what we were like at 5 years old and thanks to things like Facebook, many of us have reconnected in recent years. I have some terrific memories of times with the best of friends. Silly slumber parties, ridiculous amounts of boy talk, prank calls, dates, engagements, and marriages. I also experienced the guilt and sadness when both of my best friends lost their fathers before they graduated from high school. Thank God I still have my father and thank God for those beautiful friends who showed such strength and grace through what had to be the toughest times of their young lives. They taught me so much. I miss them.

College encompasses one of the shortest eras in our lifetimes but is often the most influential. I made some great friends there, too, and cherish those times. I wish I would have focused more on my relationships with them as they have grown into some pretty terrific people.

I'm not sure why I let friendships fade away. I think it has something to do with my internal focus and sometimes I forget to look up to appreciate those I have around me. I am blessed to have some exceptional women in my life today who have stood by me and have forgiven me for my neglect. I love you, I appreciate you, and I vow to try harder.

Evolution

"Age becomes reality when you hear someone refer to that attractive young woman standing next to the woman in the green dress, and you find that you're the one in the green dress." - Lois Wyse


Something peculiar happened to me. I am not sure how or when but suddenly, it seems, I have become an adult. It feels like just yesterday that I was worrying about silly school girl stuff, thinking more about the boy in the next class over than thinking about what life would be like in 20 years. I was envisioning a glamorous life as a beautiful bride, having a pain-free childbirth, and being madly in love with the most handsome and romantic man in the universe for the rest of my days. Ahh, to be young again.

I think I was in a rush to grow up. I thought that I could prove myself as an independent young woman by leaving home at 17 and never looking back. I married at a blissful 22 years old which, in fact, turned out to be the best decision I have ever made. The next eight years felt like something of a state of limbo between childhood and full-blown adulthood.

Then came motherhood. I learned to feel love in the most fierce, intense way. I learned that nothing in the world is more important than nurturing a child to become a kind, passionate, and loving human being. A fire was lit inside me.

I find myself these days doing grown up things. Packing lunches, scheduling playdates, chauffeuring back and forth to school, making sure clothes are set out for the morning - you know, the good stuff. I've grown into my role of Wife and have even experimented with baking these past few months. Heck, I may even make my own Christmas cards this year.

But still, when I look in the mirror, I do not see a grown woman. I see that young girl that once was. I just hope that handsome (however not so romantic) man that I am madly in love with sees her too.

Four

"If your knees aren't green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life." - Bill Watterson

My mother-in-law always told me 4 year-olds were her favorite age. Now I know why.

When you are 4 years old you can go into a fancy restaurant dressed in a full Transformer costume without anyone batting an eye.

When you are 4, it is completely natural to go outside to swing wearing only your underwear, cape and cowboy boots.

At 4, you seriously believe that the odd looking food placed in front of you causes you to have x-ray vision.

You think you can fly.

You have the most unbelievable self-esteem and on any given day you can be heard saying "I am the greatest!" or "I am so clever!"

You believe in Santa Claus, the Befana, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy. And you will do anything to get back in their good graces.

You think girls turn into monsters when their Mommies and Daddies are away.

You think your Momma is 17 years old.

You try to spell everything.

When you are 4, the world revolves around you.

You are still fortunate enough to have all 6 of your grandparents and the love that they give. You take them for granted, but don't need to worry about that for a long, long time.

You can paint for hours, and tell the story of every single tiny brush stroke.

When you are 4, you can ask question after question (after question) without reservation as you try to figure out this world of yours.

You think it is absolutely necessary to call 911 when you get slime stuck in your hair.

You can forgive in a blink of an eye.

You think the best football player in the whole wide world is Paint Mayonnaise.

Play is your work.

You are able to sing so loudly while swinging on your glider that the neighbors think something is wrong.

And finally...the best thing about being 4 is being able to crawl into bed at the end of the day, snuggle up with your momma, reflect on your experiences, dream away about what tomorrow will bring, and not even worry that in 7 months you will be 5.

All Things Resolve In the Color Green

“The pine stays green in winter... wisdom in hardship.” –Norman Douglas

A beautiful soul once came into my life at a time when I needed it most. It was a time of turmoil, a time of figuring out just who I really was, and a time to delve into the depths of my internal being to understand who this person was that I had been staring in the mirror at for nearly 18 years. We had met briefly a few years before, but it was that particular summer that I will never forget. It was an unlikely friendship that produced deep love and respect on a level that I cannot begin to describe. It was not the kind of love that you feel for your spouse, child, or even best friend, and one that I most likely will never feel again in this lifetime.

I begin my journey writing here with this story because it is this person who first helped me to realize what it was that I was seeking in life. I was 17 years old and entering college. I was moving out of my parents’ house for the first time.

I was green.

I wanted a voice. I wanted to be heard. I wanted peace. I wanted to love. And I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to service my community. I wanted to make a difference in this world. I wanted to be respected.

17 years later, again I yearn. A few more things have been added to my want list, a few of those things I have accomplished, and a few of those things simply do not matter anymore. I sit here once again trying to define myself, trying to unravel all of the layers that have grown over the years. It is amazing how over time things that really do not matter begin to define you - and how much it hurts when they are gone.

A few months ago I lost of piece of myself. No, I did not lose a loved one. No, I did not lose a friend. I did not lose anything of any significance to anyone else but me. I lost something that I now realize defined me to an extent that it was masking the real me. I have been stumbling around trying to fill that void and make sense of my new world and have now come full circle to the place I once sat 17 years ago.

During this journey to clarity, I revert back and reflect on the phrase my beautiful friend once helped me define. All things resolve in the color green.