New blog

Hello all!

So yes, I've decided to start a new blog. You'll find it at imlookingcalifornia.blogspot.com

I no longer want to identify with being "all mixed up." Figuring life out is still an ongoing process as it is for everyone, but I feel like I am on the right track. 

So come on over. My first entry is pretty much just a recap of my coming out story thus far. I briefly retell the saga of Ben, but don't worry, I don't planning on making the new blog about him. This blog is about new beginnings, and I'll be focusing on people that I choose to have in my life, and people who choose to have me in theirs!

Thanks to all that have followed this blog since its initial inception. In some ways my life is similar, but in more ways it is quite different. I appreciate all the advice and comments over the years.

Sincerely,
Cal

After a long break

Been a while. My hiatus from blogging corresponded with the hiatus I took from dating. From mid-November (when I met Ron) to this past week I didn't meet up with anyone new. Partially because of the holidays, and partially because I just needed a break. I was also taking it easy because I wanted to see where things would go with Ron. Well, as of now things aren't really going anywhere. We didn't have a falling out or anything. In fact, the last time I saw him we had a great time and I spent the night at his place. The problem is that that was about a month ago. He has had car trouble so he hasn't been able to come up to visit me at all, and I've been so busy that going down to see him hasn't happened either. We still text periodically but we haven't been talking on the phone or anything. I even met his father last time I saw him, though it was only because I helped them move some stuff in the house.

Bottom line: I like Ron, he's a nice guy and has a good personality. But, the combination of the distance, his business, and the fact that he doesn't seem too invested in continuing things means I've pretty much lost interest. I went out with a new guy last week who was nice, but I didn't feel a connection.

As the year anniversary of my breakup approached in late January things started to get tough emotionally again. But now it has come and gone, and it is several weeks later. I am definitely in a much better place than I was for pretty much the entirety of last year. My mood is generally better, and I am better able to control my thoughts whenever I start to think of Ben and get down.

It still happens, of course. I still miss him, and still think of him every day. But I don't get down about it as often, and when it happens it is not as intense. Whenever I start to romanticize or idealize the memories, I have gotten rather adept at reminding myself of the issues he had. For the most part I have written off friendship with him. A part of me is saddened by that, but I remind myself that it was his decision to treat me the way he did, to undervalue our relationship, to hurt me so badly by ending it so suddenly and unilaterally, to push me away, and to move on to someone else so quickly. Friendship should have been perfectly possible, but it takes two. And I don't want to be the only one invested. Been there, done that. Plus, part of me still views him as "the one that got away," and I fear friendship would be complicated by that. I would grow too resentful seeing him with his new guy, wondering what he has that I didn't. The only way future friendship would be possible is for me to be fully over him, and I fear the only way that's going to happen is to find someone I like better. If that's possible.

I feel like I'd be even more over it if I'd had more luck in finding guys since then. I've made several good friends though, which I'm really thankful for. In fact it seems that most of the fun things I've been doing recently have been friends I've made through online dating.

First I went hiking in Griffith Park with two friends, Sam and Bill. It was important for me to return there, since the only other time had been with Ben. That day had been the day I'd really started to fall for him. Well, I'm happy to report that this time we actually made it to the Hollywood sign and I got some great pictures!

Next Bill and his boyfriend came down and saw one of my shows. We then took a day trip to San Diego (unfortunately Ron was out of town, so I didn't see him).

This weekend I went out to Palm Springs with another friend. We took the aerial tram up and did some hiking in the woods, which was awesome.

Next weekend I'm going up to the Bay Area to visit YouTube Guy and his boyfriend. Wes is coming with me, since he's friends with them too. Hopefully it won't be too awkward, since we are flying up on Valentine's Day (though Presidents' Day Weekend is the real occasion). Today he even told me that he broke up with the guy he had been seeing for the last month, and one reason was the guy was jealous about Wes going on this trip with me (we had planned it and booked it before they started dating). Oh well.

I've been toying with the idea of changing the name of the blog. Not to say I'm not mixed up anymore (aren't we all?) But it has such a negative connotation and I'm trying to inject more positivity into all aspects of my life. This past year I have gotten more interested in positive psychology and ways to enhance happiness (for obvious reasons). So much of it is your outlook. We'll see.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! 

As the year comes to an end there is quite a lot to reflect on. In many ways this year was the flip side of 2012. Whereas 2012 saw the beginning of my dating life and the discovery of my first love, 2013 saw my first heartbreak and the emotional turmoil that followed. At times it has seemed like a constant struggle to be happy, whereas happiness seemed limitless last year.

However, I grew in important ways this year. Getting into the improv troupe was the highlight of the year by far. What started as just a fun thing to dabble in through taking classes has become a major hobby and a cornerstone of my social life. So many friends, new and old, have expressed interest in coming to see me perform, and that makes me feel very good.

Recovering from the heartbreak has itself been a learning and growing experience. For some, my experience brought us closer and allowed me to give useful advice (my "breakup buddy" Sam). For others, my state of mind caused problems (Brody, and to a lesser extent, Wes). For myself, I should hope the experience has made me more emotionally resilient, and given me a better idea of what is important in a partner. I have learned the importance of emotional compatibility (and emotional stability). 

I hope that 2014 will see the continuation of my healing. I really want to improve my optimism toward finding someone that touches my heart the way Ben did. At the same time, I recognize that it may not ever feel quite the same right off the bat. There's something special about one's first.

Dating has kind of dwindled over the last month or two. Three main reasons for that. First, I've gotten a bit burned out. Too many disappointments, too many dead ends. I decided I needed to slow down and work on myself more first. Second, I've been sick. I've had a recurring sore throat since Thanksgiving. I went to the doctor . . . Turns out it is mono. He could hardly believe it. Usually people in their late 20s are past the age of getting it apparently. Most people get it in their teens and early 20s. I suggested that it could be because I started dating (and hence, swapping saliva) so relatively late. The doc thought I might be onto something. Finally, I've been enjoying getting to know Ron. We live quite far apart and have only gotten together for dinner twice since the beach house weekend, but he seems like a sweet guy and there may be some potential there. Perhaps the good thing about the distance is that it's forcing us to take things slow. And slow is what I need.

Christmas was good. Spent it with family. Tomorrow we're driving up to see uncles, aunts and my cousins. No long distance calls to a significant other in New Jersey time around. 

But as a quote I found on Facebook says:

Don't be sad for someone who gave up on you. Instead feel sorry for them, because they gave up on someone who never would have given up on them.

Happy New Year!

Second date with my San Diego guy

I had my second date with Ron this week. We met midway between us and had dinner. When we first met he had quite the bushy beard. This time he was clean shaven, and looked quite good. Dinner was nice, then he drove us down to a nearby pier. By then it was dark and there were few people around. Just some fisherman. It was pretty crazy walking to the end of the pier, away from the city lights and toward the dark expanse of ocean. It felt like being at the end of the world. We put our arms around each other, but I let him know about the bad sore throat I'd been experiencing so we didn't kiss on the mouth. When we came back to the shore we watched some trains go by, then went to sit in the car to warm up. We cuddled while listening to Christmas music on his car radio. Eventually the time came to part ways, so he drove me back to my car. He suggested we meet up again next week.

Unfortunately our time is limited currently as he works weekends and we live quite far from each other. Still, I'd like to keep seeing him. I have a chemistry and repor with him that is quite enjoyable.

I seem to have reached a new breakthrough in my interminable recovery from being dumped, which happened more than 10 months ago now. I exchanged friendly emails with Ben over the holiday, and I was a lot less distant and more friendly than I was last time. I left him with my hope that he would eventually be ready to work with me to achieve a friendship, but I said that now was not quite the time. I don't know if this had anything to do with making me feel better, but in a way it felt like taking the power back. I also suggested that perhaps some day he and his boyfriend could check out one of my improv shows after we're back on good terms. I hope to be able to count both of them among my friends eventually. I'm getting better at not dwelling on all the crap. If I want their friendship I'm going to have to just forgive.

Other than Ron dating has kind of slowed. I was getting too discouraged and I realized too much of the dating I did this year was about me trying to find a replacement boyfriend to heal the hurt and loneliness. I'm easing back now. I like Ron so I'll keep seeing him, but I'm keeping my expectations in check. There's still the instinct to compare, but I'm trying to fight it.

That's it for now!

Second chance

Okay, time to finish the story from a couple weeks ago.

So, before I went to San Diego I came upon Eric's Facebook profile through a mutual friend. I somewhat impulsively decided to text him to see how he was. To my surprise, he responded by calling me and we talked for a while. He seemed happy to hear from me, and suggested we meet up again. Now remember, this is the guy who cancelled on my three times in one week after we had an awesome first date. Suffice it to say I was approaching him with much caution. However, he told me in the conversation that he had realized recently he had a tendency to push people away and he was trying to change that. So, I decided to give him another chance. But, HE would have to lead the way, and I considered him on "dating probation."

One wrinkle: I added him on Facebook, and on the way down to San Diego Wes asked me, "How do you know Eric?" Turns out he knows him too, and went out with him a couple times. "He's an asshole," he said. Later he elaborated that he didn't really quite remember why the guy was an asshole, but they had dropped out of contact. It was definitely jealousy talking. I felt bad, but I knew I had to make my own decision about Eric.

We texted back and forth a bit while I was in San Diego. The day after my long date with San Diego guy, I was at work texting with Eric to set up a meet up. I said I could meet that day or the next. He said he was free that day, so we made plans for him to come to my place. That night he did, and we went and got sushi and frozen yogurt. We had a good time, and good conversation. The conversation continued in the car while we finished our yogurt, then we ended up making out. After that I invited him to come back to my place to watch a movie or something. I wasn't sure if he would go for it, since he usually gets up really early, but agreed.

We get back to my place, and start cuddling/making out on my bed. The TV never gets turned on. I don't necessarily have the intention of things going further than cuddling, but things escalate. Note that HE is the one that escalates it. He removes my shirt. He unbuttons my pants. So I do the same to him. Before long I'm naked, then he is. We do hands, we do mouths. Here he is, the fourth guy I've done anything with in bed, right after the third.

Problem is . . . he gets curious for some reason. He stops for a moment and asks me when the last time I did something with someone was. I . . . am an honest person. "Recently . . ." I stammered. "This weekend?" he asked. "Yes." Damn, why couldn't this have happened any time but now?

I asked him if that was a problem, and he said no. But he asked further questions. "Who was he?" "What did you guys do?" I assured him it was a date from OkCupid who lives in San Diego, and all we did was hands. However, my thoughts turned to the pictures I posted on Facebook of the San Diego crew, which included Wes. Perhaps Eric thought I was dating Wes, and was cheating on him? Or maybe he's just very prudish when it comes to these things (and here I thought I was, haha).

In any case, we continued for a bit after the awkward pause, but then suddenly Eric got up and said, "Sorry to cut it short, but I get up at 6 in the morning." He dressed, gave me a kiss, and left. I never believed for a second that it wasn't about the revelation about me having fooled around with someone in SD.

My suspicions have been all but confirmed by the fact that Eric is no longer texting me. Now that we are Facebook friends though, I see that he is a little . . . strange. And after talking with Wes about it in more detail, it seems that Eric really does have a track record of being flaky.

I have no regrets about giving him another chance. I got better closure this time, and can now confidently say that he is just not right for me.

Meanwhile, I have made plans to meet up with San Diego guy again after the Thanksgiving Holiday. Let's christen him. I'll call him Ron. Because he currently has a beard and is from San Diego. Just like Ron Burgundy. :-P

Weekend by the beach

Ok, let's see if I can bust out the San Diego story before I fall asleep, haha.

Basically, it was a crazy weekend. YouTube Guy (I'm gonna have to give him a proper pseudonym one of these days haha), his boyfriend, Wes and I drove down to San Diego together. Nina was renting a beach house for the long Veterans Day weekend. Also in attendance were my buddy Walter and several others. Walter was the only straight guy. This held true even on Saturday night when a bunch of Nina's friends joined us. This introduced two guys who I later learned were bisexual. One was a super tall (6'6!), blue-eyed hunk of a man from Minnesota. The other was a really cute Indian guy (who I later was told is half Italian...yowza). Man, if I had known that night they were bi...I probably would have had more to drink, lol.

Out of all of us, Nina was definitely the craziest party animal. It seems every time someone new came over she had to run away and put on clothes. She's . . . a free spirit, that one. She made it her mission to make out with this one girl. She did, but while black out drunk so she didn't even remember meeting her the next day.

It was great seeing YouTube Guy and his boyfriend so soon after they visited before. They have really become close friends and have been helping me try to put my personal life back together. And not just by pressuring me to buy Andrew Christian. Speaking of which, the tall guy was dared to put YTG's boyfriend's pair on. He wore them quite well, haha.

Sunday YouTube Guy, his boyfriend and Wes all had to leave. Nina offered to drive me home if I stayed through Monday so I bid them farewell. Sunday was an interesting day. I had intended to rent a bike, but instead napped a lot. I ate dinner with Nina, during which I spoke to her about my dating woes and my progress moving on. She revealed that Wes had spoken to her and admitted he was confused about why I invited him along. This made me feel guilty. For me it had been a no brainer. He was friends with the group now and he had been at Nina's party the weekend before when we were discussing the trip. It felt natural to invite him since we had been encouraged to invite whoever we wanted. I realized things still aren't totally resolved with him...but after talking to him again last night I think they're headed in the right direction. Nina tried to tell me I should give dating him another chance since he might help heal my still wounded heart. I couldn't do that if the attraction wasn't right though. If I am to compromise on attraction, then why even seek to date guys in the first place? I can't use someone and risk hurting them just to help me with my own issues. That would make me quite the hypocrite.

Anyways, on to the good stuff. Three nights in a row of decidedly gay activities.

Sunday:

Nina, the cute Indian/Italian guy and I came back to Nina's beach house after we went to play board games with her friends. The guy being a bisexual with a serious girlfriend, Nina and I definitely got cozy without pushing the boundaries too far. I already knew that the guy had told Nina I was cute, and in my tipsy state I was a bit emboldened. Imagine the scene: The guy sitting on the couch, me laying with my head in his lap, and Nina standing in front of both of us completely naked. We carried on a conversation like this. Craziness. Much respect to that guy! Although apparently he did say that if he'd been single he would have totally loved to fool around with us.

Monday: I had a date lined up from online. It went REALLY well. We had lunch and talked. From there we moved on to Balboa Park where I went for the kiss as we walked through a cactus garden. From there we went back to the beach house where we cuddled for a while, had dinner, and watched TV. And then this guy became the third guy I've done things with in the bedroom (it was so nice having such a big bedroom!) It was only hand jobs (this was the first date after all), but it was nice. And I even impressed the guy with my . . . projectile range haha. After that we showered together. Nina texted me offering to drive me back early the next morning before work, which meant my guy could spend the night. In the end the date went from noon one day to 5 am the next morning. I'd call that a success!

Since then we've talked about meeting up again. Now, there is quite a distance between us...but I'm just looking forward to seeing him again and seeing where it goes. No expectations.

Tuesday:

The next morning after my guy left I was treated to the most beautiful sunrise over the water. I wish he had been able to stick around slightly longer to enjoy it with me. In any case, I took tons of pictures then Nina drove me home.

At this point dear readers I need to go, but the story is not over! Tuesday night I had a date with someone from the past...a few months ago that is. I'm still scratching my head over what went down that night. To be continued!

Unfriend

I've fallen behind on this blog! So much to tell about a recent weekend in a beach house that my friend rented. No time for those stories now though. Teaser: it culminated in a bedroom experience with the third guy I've done things with. Then number four was the very next day. Shut up...don't judge.

For now, I'll just say that today I finally took a step that was long overdue. I defriended Ben on Facebook. The main recent catalyst: He changed his profile pic to him and Daniel Newguy. I wasn't following his updates and haven't been to his page in months, but the pic came up when I was searching for someone with a similar name. I don't need to see that. Plus, he stopped liking my posts months ago and I haven't liked anything of his since he kicked me to the curb. So basically us being Facebook friends at this point is pointless. It's just a placeholder for a friendship that may never happen. If it does, he'll have to come to me. I did my part. I reached out oh so long ago and he was rude and condescending to me. All he had to offer was a conditional, one-sided friendship. The way I remember it, it brings to mind Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The caring, generous guy I had fallen in love with had been replaced by a cold, emotionless pod person that could look back at the memories of the ten months we'd known each other and feel nothing. 

Wes said something to me today at the gym which struck a nerve. I know he's still a little bitter about what happened between us. He said, in support of me unfriending Ben, "Ben ruined you for all the guys you would date after." Kinda messed up and I called him out on it, but it rang a bit true. I still feel so emotionally scarred from the experience, and I know it has left me with serious dating hang ups.

So, the unfriending is my way of symbolically throwing up my hands and leaving Ben's status in my life to fate, and to him. It is time for me to stop holding the friendship train for him. Either he sees the value of having me in his life someday or he doesn't. If he does he knows where to find me, if he doesn't, then good riddance. I won't be the one to convince him.