17. For You

So this came out of nowhere.

couldn't seem to find a perfect time to put up an appreciation post, simply because my papers were finished so awkwardly fast everyone might be too busy studying to actually read.

Alsosinceitspostconvoifeellessawkwardpostingthishopefullynoonereallynoticesthiscuzitsscarytoletpeopleknowyourthoughtshah

If I enrolled in January, this would have been my graduation ceremony too. Thesis would have been behind me for such a long time I wouldn't even remember what it looked like, maybe I would have found a job and even started preparing for other future plans. But I'm glad that's not the case, or else I wouldn't have met all of you (probably not anyway, who knows what's happening to Jan-intake me in an alt universe).

I'm actually pretty happy with how this all turned out in general, even though there's still so many things I wanted to try out here but didn't. Of course, there are some regrets here and there, certainly some bad times and a lot of I-cant-wait-to-get-out-of-here times. But still, it's been a good 4 years.

It's not the best, but it's ok.

For those whom I got to know quite well, thanks for accepting my weirdness and tolerating my stupidity from time to time (come to think of it, no, I know y'all enjoy watching me look embarrassed, cuz I'd do the same in your case :D).

OksothisissuddenbutIdontknowhowtodoasmoothtransitionsohereyougo

sah smooth

001 Crystal Blue
I'm suddenly at a loss for words cuz all I can think of is the day when you *ehem* on the flight of stairs at you-know-where. You've been a great friend. We're polar opposites but we're ok. You told me you have never met someone like me, I would say the same (I have never met someone this clumsy and forgetful yet I can still tahan lol). You have actually influenced me quite a lot, in a good way. I wouldn't ever be that relaxed a day before assignment submission, nor would I be that calm and composed when I'm driving if it kinda wasn't for you.
说到影响也有自己要反省的地方，有时候自己的用词可能比较强硬，对事情的看法也会显得比较凶残(??)，可是那是我不能准确地表达自己的想法>针对某人的意见，所以如果你有什么想要对我说的事情就别担心我会有偏见之类的了，因为通常都是没有的（？
Keep doing what you're doing, cuz you're pretty great the way you are.


002 Alex
If you still remember Alex lol
I actually think we have a lot more in common than whatever I have already known. Just a hunch though and my hunches aren't exactly that great. I thought of so many stupid things you did but then decided to stop being evil for once and not say anything. You are kinda the reason I procrastinated a lot less than I would have since you study ahead and stuff and we can all see it (and being a typical Asian it's my second nature to see this as a sign to start revising). 

You do have quite some qualities that I wish I have, like the one in love textbook about capitalization (not saying what it means cuz I can), I tend to wish I'm the kind of friend that shows support outwardly. Not complaining.
I do hope you successfully learn that language from your book tho (Italian or French or whatever it is that I could not remember). And about that thing you wanna do but still don't dare to do it, I wish you all the best.

003 Typo
Thanks for constantly providing us with group name ideas.

To be honest I still feel like you're too scared to do something when I'm around (occasionally). That actually annoys me sometimes, but what I wanna say is, I'm not as invincible as you think, and I'm not angry all the time even though my face might look like it, so you don't need to be so careful around me, cuz I'm just a human and not some extraterrestrial being in case you haven't noticed.

Sarcasm aside, you're a good person, you just need to let more people know about it. I'm sure you'll still do fine if people really understand you have good intentions behind the things you do (even if it's not always what they want), just take things at your own pace, and remember I'm not an alien and I can understand earth language so you might want to consider me an option if you want any help. 

004 Skittish tamago mentai 

Cuz you don't like animals and bugs so I can't really insert anything other than the first thing that came to mind.

Yay you made it this far :D If I'm not wrong you still have a paper or something but you're almost at the finish line so hang in there. 

I've told you this before but I'll say it again, you've done great. I've been learning to look at what I did and not give myself such a hard time over what I didn't/couldn't do, would be great if you can do the same. If you've tried your best you deserve at least some credit over it.

I'm starting to feel hungry since I keep thinking about sushi when I think of you and my brain doesn't work very well when I'm like this. Just know that I wouldn't want us to simply part ways after graduation and never meet again, so I'm looking forward to having sushi with you again in the near future.

005 Punny cat
You're the only one who laughes at the puns I found D: And you're always talking about things I don't know so I can only show you puns, cats, and other random cute stuff D:

We've known each other for so long yet we don't seem to understand each other that well, probably because our interests are too different they never seem to overlap (except for the time when you watched undertale). 

You always go out of your way to take care of the petty stuffs which we never even bother to notice and I really appreciate that, and I'm sure you'll still do fine the next time around cuz you're more dependable than you think you are. Since I have also associated you with sushi I'm experiencing intense cravings in the middle of the night I think I better stop here before I eat my plushie. 

006 🙄

Inserting this emoji cuz I know you've been waiting for this (kinda). Y'all alrd know I love you, so there's nothing much to say and I've alrd said enough in other entries. And should I remind y'all again how much I hate camps cuz I get all cranky and nervous and that kinda defeats the whole purpose of bonding (actually no, this is just so you can tell who I'm addressing this to hahahahaha). 

Thanks for letting me in though, accepting me as one of you and all. I wouldn't trade that for the world. 

007 

For some others whom I haven't really got the chance to talk to, you're all great people and if I can I would still really want to know y'all better. Like this person who was still willing to fetch me back at night after this minor car accident; or this person who invited me for Burgerlab (yes I remember, and I'm hungry); or this person for whom I cooked a dish as a sign of support; this person who said I look like their cousin; this person who uses hahaha a lot and has been kind enough to let me play with their cat; this person who always give me random warm hugs when they see me; also this relatively new friend who has been giving me wise words of support and encouragement (like the time when I put up a crying emoji lol); and everyone of you who helped to recruit participants for my thesis research. Big things, small things, they all made this little place seem that much more enjoyable. 

If anyone stayed long enough to read this I commend you for your patience. 

Or your precise scrolling. 

十六。当

其实慢慢地发现写部落格是个可怕的行为。

把自己的想法就这样摊开来供人观赏，某种程度上堪比赤身裸体地行走在众目睽睽之下。对于我这类闷骚型的来说，虽然很不自在可是等到发现也已经太迟啦。

你问我为什么不写毕业论文的感想，这也是其中一个原因。不过我愿意当面和你说哦诶嘿。
我想我是有那么一点喜欢你的，虽然我还真的完全不认识你。

虽然这种心情可能非常微不足道，可我确实难过了。
近来深有感触的事情，是自己已经无法用文字确切地表达自己心里的想法了。逗比太久就回不去了啊，当初文青的时候。从一开始，我就在捂着自己的耳朵，告诉自己这一定是真的。

现在连伤感也不能文绉绉地伤感了，只能用“想吃东西”的心情来表示内心的空虚。
一定是真的，一定是真的，我的难过也是真的。
已经四月了，是春天的季节。纵使生在个没有四季的地方，心里却不断交替着风景。确实，在舒适圈里呆得久了，人也会变得脆弱无力。所以再见了，我喜欢的陌生人。

生活上、情绪上、交际上、规划上，依然有那么多需要学着接受失败的地方。别人都在成长的时候我到底都在干什么啊。
If two lines are truly parallel, it means they'll never actually meet
不久后，是该笑着说再见了。
My sweet, sweet sorrow.

十五。致最后

车上妈妈似乎发现到我心情不好，又或许是一星期不见的想念，一直在说话。我在旁边默默擦眼睛，想说有种重回现实生活的感觉。

我不知道想要申明这一点多少次，

我好难过。

难过得根本不想和任何人说话，就匆匆忙忙打了电话逃回家。用逃字，因为实在不习惯道别，又或者在别人面前直面自己的情绪。

在车上收到一通电话，一回到家眼泪哗啦啦地掉。

每一次都是因为害怕而做出和今天一样的事情，现在在家里的我再一次悔青着肠子想甩自己N巴掌。

我好想好好道别的。

自己应该就是这一点才会经常被人说无情。

表面上看来还真的是没感情。

题目是“致最后”。

有很多个最后，我也不知道从何算起。

对不起，对不起，对不起；还有谢谢，谢谢，谢谢。对于自己又笨又懵又喜欢搞自闭；还有对于你们一次又一次的帮助，不管是为了活动还是为了帮我。

目前脑里什么感想都没有，只是觉得自己会想念很多东西



距离前半段post大约一小时后：

Current feelings summed up in a collage

我真的应该要等一个星期让心情沉淀才来写感想文的

靠好丢脸

道理我都懂，不要再来安慰我了靠好丢脸我只是一时情急啊...........

总之谢谢每一个挂名是我组员但是其实都在罩着我的人以及其他的人，比如说半夜飞车去拿器材、做很牛B的各种影片、默默地又很温柔地接下工作、转换上载录像的当儿还要挂心另几件事情、病着来帮忙还必须跑上跑下等等

虽然更多事情和情况我不懂所以只能把感想局限在这里，可既然是一年只有一次那多谢几次也没关系

还有某个可爱的小胖依然那么可爱

十四。最

交了Thesis proposal之后，身体就有一种作业完成的错觉。明明有很多不得了的东西在等着，却什么都不想做啊。

凌晨时分听着自己喜欢的音乐写博客比任何事情都来得舒压。

乱入的海滩和我想看海的心情

今天上课的时候讲师指着一排字问了一个问题：“What's your top 3 most important values?”

一开始还在认真想的我，到最后不举手了。想着你不如问我“What's your top 3 least important values” 还比较好回答啊。

还是在心里给了几个答案。对于我珍惜的事情特别不想让人知道，虽然这么说，看见周围纷纷举起手的人有时候会羡慕有着明确目标的他们，各种方面来说。

Zenosyne:
"Life is short. And life is long. But not in that order."
(The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows)

能够简洁有力的形容最近感觉的一个字。

真心觉得时间过得真快。前一阵子和中学同学聚餐，听见其中一人不断感叹我们都长大了。当下听起来觉得没什么，毕竟离中学时期真的过了有一段时间了，现在却能以自己的方式再次翻译她说的话：老了啊 时间过得真快。

不久后或许真的是要决定未来的时候了。对看见这么迷茫的我的人很抱歉，也许有一天我也能大咧咧地炫耀自己人生过得很充实快乐，过着享受每一天的工作和生活并且辣你眼睛的日子。

希望捏

十三。段落

今天是IO 的最后一次presentation，从老师那里感受到了很正面的回应。

出来的时候貌似大家都很高兴，终于告一段落了，感觉非常不容易。

踏出meeting room的当下突然有那么一点不舍得，纵使这几个星期经常处在异常暴躁的情绪下，我还是蛮喜欢这群人的。

谢谢组长战战兢兢（不是）又很可爱的领导、总是负责善后的天使、负责检查漏洞提醒加资料的另一位天使、默默的却很能干的 [想不到可以给你什么化名]、其他我比较少接触可是棒棒哒的人，还有这段期间内被我压榨的小组组员。

也不知道说什么才好了，要怎么解释为什么会突然有点感触。

我想让你们看见，同时也不想让你们看见么么哒。

十二。小

我在推特看到这么一句话

“我的世界很小，小得没有人发现，没有人在乎。”

我说我的世界也很小，可是总会有在乎自己的人。

有人对我说过想说的话要说出来，不然别人不会知道。同样的，别人不对我说的话我要怎么知道啊。想说虽然不懂，请给我多一点耐心适应，给我多一点时间放下防备，请不要无声无息地就走了，虽然我的确是个性格有点别扭的家伙。不然的话，我会像往常那样认为“没有了就没有了也没关系”的。

就算。





Jackson Koh你就算看到了也不要上fb喇叭我不然我精辩一张照片都不拍你=-=

十一。Random babbling

是说刚刚发现我姑姑前几天加我脸书了，要怎么接受啦尤其是我还写这种心情记事般的东西

这是我放假中的心情。因为喜欢花所以会有很多花先让我悠闲个几天才来面对接下来的大三地狱心情。

为什么那么懒的我会更博。我想找个人说说话，可是我不好意思找。有些话说出来很丢脸，另一些说出来很不好，还有一些说了也没用。最近脸书也开始再用起来了，深深觉得与世界脱节了那么久的自己对于常识这项东西连小学生都比不过。

深夜的时候我脑袋都转得比较快，所以会有很多点子，突然冒出很多想做的事，很多想见的人，很多要说的话。可是一到早上这些都变得无所谓了。我是一个对很多事情都无所谓的人，从前有人说过我总是一副满不在乎的样子。我也不想变成那些看见需要帮助的人却视若无睹的路人，已经在很努力地和其他人类扯上关系了（这句子有点怪）。

最近时不时会陷入一种很怀旧的感觉里，想起以前喜欢的音乐、食物、书籍、戏剧、各种圈子。总是看着以前的我。不过现在的我也将成为以前，让未来的我看着就好。在我开始多愁善感假文青之前还是停下来好了。

还有我好饿哦