I've been struggling lately, with life, with who I am, with how I define myself, with changes, even with trying to decide if I'm brave enough to post about this, & with the question of even continuing my blog (but that may be a whole separate post)..... just struggling in general. As I read that, it sounds bad, worse than it really is. Really, honestly, no one needs to freak out. I'm happy, I know I'm incredibly blessed, especially over this past year. And I'm thankful, I truly, truly am. My life is changing, and though some of these are great, long awaited, happy changes, some I wasn't quite ready for, thus the struggling. Once again, please don't worry about me, I'm mostly just venting, expressing my feelings and trying to work things out in my head..... writing helps, maybe I'll post this, and maybe, I'll just let it sit forever as an unpublished post, and count the writing as therapy.
The first big change... When I started my preschool, it was always intended to be a temporary thing. It was always something I knew I'd enjoy, but in someways started because there was a need for it in our little town. Yes, there were other preschools, but not in our town. It was a hassle to drive 15 min. each way to get children to preschool and there were enough children in town, one of which was my own child and my niece too. It was a win-win situation for me. Turns out, I loved teaching preschool and I was not too shabby at it either, if I'm being honest. I took over a bedroom in the basement and promised the boys that when Carlie was in school full time, Preschool would end and they would get their own rooms back. I had a plan that worked for all of us. Knowing that, I intended for this to be my last year, I was excited about it, I had so many ideas. Plans changed, the school district accepted every four year old that was interested in preschool and I had no kids sign up.... well, I did have one maybe? You can't teach preschool if there aren't any kids, so by default, PolkaDot Preschool was no more. I feel cheated, I wasn't ready for this change. Therefore, I'm struggling with it. I miss it, and honestly I feel a bit lost.
Change number two hasn't even actually occurred, but I've still got myself worked up over it. For the last three and a half years, I've served as the second counselor in our ward Primary presidency. I'm sure you see where this is going.... three and a half years is a long time, and there have been hints and rumors that our time is about up. Well, dang it, I love primary and though it may be time for a change, I'm not quite ready for that. Logically I know it's someone elses turn, but my heart isn't ready for that quite yet. I've spent my entire adult life in Primary and I WANT TO STAY! I know, that it isn't my choice, I just hope and pray that the Lord has something in mind for me. I need a calling, I need to be needed.
Last but not least, my baby headed off to Kindergarten.... I know it has to happen, but combined with everything else, it's left me feeling lost, unsure of who I am and how I define myself. If I had to put a word to the way I've been feeling lately, the only one I can come up with is insignificant.
Last Saturday, my mom called to remind me of the General Relief Society meeting that evening. If I'm being completely honest, I really didn't want to go. I was getting a cold, and that was the last things I wanted to do. I went anyway with a prayer in my heart, because I knew I should. The first half of the meeting was good, but nothing particularly stood out, or was just what I was needing. Then President Dieter F. Uchtdorf spoke, everything about his message spoke to my soul. When he said, “You may at times feel a little like the forget-me-not—insignificant, small, or tiny in comparison with others,” My heart shouted, that's me..... was that not just what I had expressed as I began this blog post earlier in the week? Then he went on to add, "Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love." There was nothing I needed to hear more at that moment. Now if I can just remember that daily and internalize it. If you haven't read, heard or seen this talk, you MUST! Forget Me Not by Pres. Dieter F. Uchtdorf.
Well, despite my good intentions.... we're in the same boat this year. I'm right now, as we speak, trying to pick a calendar to order. The only plus to this situation is they are now marked over 60% off!
