I have been in somewhat of a funk the last couple weeks that I can’t seem to get out of, and it’s really bugging me. I just want all these dumb worries and things that I am frustrated about and bad things to just go away.
I feel so unproductive and useless lately. I feel like I don’t do anything worthwhile or important. And I don’t know what to do that would be worthwhile or important. I really was hoping to get a part time job for a few hours a week as an adjunct professor just to teach one class, but so far that has not worked out. I hate that I keep getting rejected. I thought I had talents and skills that could be put to good use, but I guess not. I am really struggling to find something worthwhile to do part time that allows me to still be home with Emily most of the time. I know being a mom is a good thing, but I really want to do something else where I feel like I'm contributing. I’m sick of being so bored and useless and I need to interact with someone other than a one-year-old. When I quit my job almost a year ago, everyone said that a) I wouldn't regret it, and b) that being a mom was so fulfilling that I wouldn't even miss it. Well, I don't regret it, but I do miss it. Although I enjoy motherhood, why don't I feel completely fulfilled just by being a mom? Why do I feel like something is still missing? What is wrong with me?
I feel so lonely. I used to have lots of friends and I felt like I was an important part of their lives. I used to get invited to lots of things, and when I invited people to things they came and I think they had a good time. Maybe I’ve just gotten really lame, but no one seems to want to do anything with me anymore. I never get invited to anything, and when I try to host stuff, no one will come. I only really have one or two friends that even call me anymore to see how I’m doing or tell me about their life. Or that seem to be excited when I call them and seem to care about what's going on with me. I still care about my friends and want to be a part of their lives. I like being involved and knowing what’s going on, and I really could use someone to talk to. I guess if they have moved on to bigger and better things, then I should just accept it and stop trying to force myself into their new lives.
I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m not crafty and I don’t like to cook. It seems like that’s what everyone is into. All of our (non-Sunday) Relief Society meetings are always about making some type of craft or cooking, and that's what everyone seems to talk about. Why does that seem to be the ticket to being a successful stay-at-home mom? I pretty much suck at all things domestic. The things I thought I was good at, I'm apparently not anymore, and the things I enjoy require me to leave the house and have friends.
I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to get back to my previous fitness level. Or even close for that matter. I try to exercise but for some reason it is so much harder with Emily—both finding the time and the exercise itself. So I’m only getting in about 30 minutes of moderate intensity like 3 times a week, either jogging, elliptical, or biking. I need to do more than that. I’m frustrated that my clothes are still a little tight and I feel like I don’t look good in anything. It’s been over a year…I should fit back into my clothes comfortably by now. And I feel super ugly.
I feel like a terrible mother. I get so sick of reading stories, and it seems like that’s all Emily wants to do. We also go to the park almost every day and swing, but I have no ideas of other activities to do with her. I even looked for books at the library on stuff to do with one-year-olds, and they didn’t even have anything. They only had stuff for 3-year-olds and older. She doesn’t seem very interested in playing with her toys for very long. Or playing with other kids at all. Plus, she has gotten super grumpy and whiney lately, and I don’t know why or what to do about it and I am going crazy! I really don’t know what to do with her by myself all day long every day.
This whole move has been really stressful. Unexpected problems keep coming up. Like how the moving van was too small, or how only ONE friend out of all that we asked to help showed up (good thing we had a few family members to help), or how our stupid landlady charged us for a million things that were not our fault, or how the internet and TV didn't work for 10 days and we kept getting the runaround, or how our neighbors smoke so we can't open the windows, and how our other neighbors have a squeaky bed. I'd forgotten how it is to live in an apartment. It kind of feels like regression....almost like moving back home once you thought you'd moved out permanently.
And, I can’t seem to quit comparing myself to others…it’s hard hearing/reading about all the great stuff everyone else is doing, and I can’t help but feel sub-par and left out.
Anyway, sorry for the rant. I’m sure I’ll get over my little pity party soon enough. In the meantime, I’ll try to be more positive and actually do something about all those things instead of just complain about them.
