I started gaming since I was 5. My father brought me home a dashboard driving car simulator.

A few people may experience seizures playing this game due to flashing lights.

Had some fun playing with it, but its kinda easy to get bored with it playing alone. Because my father was a military officer, we hardly had time together. For me, gaming is my way of living. I dont mind being alone.

My second game console was a NES. At that point I was pretty much a loner and a gamer, with the occasional moments of my cousins coming down visiting my house every other month to play with me. I'd kinda inclined to write down some of the game I enjoyed playing, but that's not the point of this post.


up up down down left right left right B A start

Junior School time. Grown up as a social inept kid, and having the experience of going to school was a pretty mixed experience. I'm guessing all that gaming alone must have triggered the ability to learn somewhere along the road, cause I was killing my academics with it. But downside of being a indoor kid was I am lacking in the physical department. Not because I was fat. But because I lacked exercises too much, I developed asthma early as a kid. But luckily, I made my first gamer friend there. He always comes to my house playing rpgs on the pc too much, it pretty much becoming a routine for both of us.



Warning. May cause nightmares at night getting chased down by the butcher.

High school time. It was a pretty okay experience. Made some new friends, fallen in love, being made a prefect, living the honest student life. Everything was perfect...

Until tragedy happened. The junior childhood friend that goes to the same high school with me had to switch school at third grade due to most of his family died during a fire. I was pretty much in shock in everything that happened. Grades down, stripped down from being a prefect, can't connect to my crush, my high school life was pretty much over. Home was not heaven either. Dad retired from being a military officer, we had to depend on mom for a while. Money was tight, father brings his strictness and anger with him from his military years. What I had left was only my pc and me. Had to play at from late night until morning because his tantrums through out the day.



The night is dark and full of terrors.

Graduated from high school. Made it to a 1 year matriculation program, spent 6 months without a pc. Guess I coped myself by studying instead of gaming, because I got a 4 flat in my first half of the matriculation program. Then I got a laptop, my pointers drop from 4 flat to 3.76. Opps. A lot of people would have pointed the correlation between gaming and study here, but I would like to point out that at the second half of my matriculation program, I actually made new friends, instead of "roomates" and "class colleagues". Those types of "friends" are kinda forced onto you, and they're kinda don't get to know each other personally.



Die Waffen! Legt an!


I'll end this here I guess. Gotta catch some zzzs. I'll post my university years later, which would be another long post.

Cheers.
sakuredu

Its been a long time since I last updated this blog.

I guess a lot of things do change since then.

Being suicidal and depressed fuck, getting the d from my family, finally made me to come KL for psychological help from UMMC.

And I guess its been a good move.

Grew up my hair with because I want to. Weather is freaking hot, but I'm sure I'm glad I did it.

Selfie game stronk. My hair looked like McCree from OW
 
Support from family and friends, made some new ones IRL and on the local malaysian subreddit, hanging out with them from time to time, getting some confidence back in myself.

Most important of all - I started loving myself again.

Kinda not sure about loving anyone romantically. I'm do want to try my luck back in love but for now I'll focus on getting some work. There's a gig or two thats I'm interested in, I guess I try rolling my dice there first. Money is money but most importantly, I gotta start somewhere.

Updating this blog after this. Part of a deal with an editor is to write something, so I'll start here.

Cheers. Sakuredu

time past by so fast - is it exactly a year since then? or 2 years? my last time seeing my high school crush lol. but its kinda okay nowadays. dulu super tergila bayang juga, smpi a lot of my doa goes to her. haih. thinking back, punyalah banyak peluang couple aku lepas sbb gila bayang sgt lololol. well im kinda an awkward guy when it comes to girls, so maybe things goes the same way one way or the other. feh. couple is so overrated anyway. "perhubungan yg paling baik adalah perhubungan slps brkahwin". kan? kan? ok tipu la kalau aku kata aku xregret apa2._. but things happened for a reasonkan? plus aku kini sdg menuju ke arah abiskan zaman remaja dan masuk ke alam dewasa. but then, in myself, i still saw myself as a child. i dont know why though ._. ini anycase, kahwin will be the farthest thing in my mind right now. it seems the ones im interested into is weird girls lol. idk why, maybe because im myself considered to be not normal. pikir jauh sgt lol. ekonomi runtuh effect la, minyak effect on monthly ikut jenis knderaan la. kdg2 just wished myself to stop thinking and really go for the ones you want. :( yes sy betafag, problem :S

Baru2 ni ak perasan something.


Aku boleh senyum, tp senyum ak da makin hilang seriny. hanya skadar batuk di tangga.

Aku boleh ketawa, ttp ketawa ak skadar gelak2an y kuat. Ia xlg dtg ikhlas dari hati.

Aku boleh berjenaka, ttp jenakaku skadar ayat dtg dari bibir. Ia xpnah lagi mngambil kisah ttg orang lain.

Aku boleh mengambil berat, akan ttp ak mmbnci mereka apabila mndengar rungutan.

Aku hebat bermain game, ttp ak kerap cuba mnghabiskn game dgn cepat kerana membenci bermain game lama2.

Aku menyukai berjumpa dgn orang baru, akan ttp, orang yg paling ak xpcy adalah pndatang.

Aku benci orang lain kerana personaliti mereka, akan tetapi jenis personaliti yang paling dibenci oleh aku adalah diri aku sendiri.


perilaku di atas mungkin kerana diriku telah membawa luka dalam hati buat sekian lama. Aku sendiri xingt sejak bila semuanya mnjadi begitu twisted. Diriku kini merupakan satu bayang2 dari diriku y lama. dahulu, ku berpersonaliti lebih berkali ganda lagi teruk dari skrg.


Daku dilahirkan di sebuah kem tentera di Malaysia. Sejak kecil, daku hanya mngenali diri sendiri sahaja. Bapaku seorang askar. Sering outstation, jarang kembali ke rumah. Manakala ibuku sering sibuk dengan kerjayany sendiri. Diriku amat jarang berjumpa dgn ibubapaku. Diriku sering bersama pengasuh y sering bertukar ganti. Berkeluargaan sejarah seorang askar, kami sering berpindah randah. Diriku xprnah mempunyai kawan sejak kecil. Jikalau ada sekalipn, ianya tidak kekal lama.

Umurku 7 tahun. Bapaku diretiredkan dari kerjaya seorang askar. Kami mula menetap di sesuatu tempat di selatan Malaysia. Bapaku kembali mengejar segulung ijazah demi mendapatkan pekerjaan yang lebih baik. Namun, pada masa itu, ibuku menjadi pokok duit pada kami sekeluarga. Kami tidak begitu indah berharta seperti orang lain, akan tetapi kami bahagia. Ku mula bersekolah rendah di sekolah di kawasan persekitaran. Disebabkan latarbelakangku, daku begitu susah sekali membuat kawan pada mula persekolahan. Ku memasuki kelas dgn muka2 baru. Mungkin kerana mukaku jarang di kawasan sini, ku menjadi hindaran kepada mereka. Ku mendiamkan diri tentang masalah di sekolah. Ku tidak mahu menyusahkan ibubapaku yang bersusah payah menampung kami adik beradik.

Umurku 8 tahun. Suasana persekolahan mula berubah, ku juga mendapat kawan2, walaupun sedikit. namun persekitaran juga semakin liar. Apa yang dimulakan dengan ejek mengejek nama bapa antara kawan, gurau-gurauan menjadi pergaduhan, tumbuk menumbuk dan sebagainya. namun perkara itu berlaku ke atas orang lain. ku kira, jika ia berlaku terhadap orang lain, ianya menjadi masalah diri masing2. Ku rasa itu la permulaan sikap diriku yg mula menular ke arah titik hitam.

Umurku 10 tahun. Bapaku semakin stress akibat pembelajaran kembali, tambahan lagi persekitaran baru di tempat kerja. Bapaku mula kerap melepaskan kemarahan terhadap keluargaku. Diriku juga mula mempelajari sifat BENCI dalam diriku. Ya. Pernah dalam satu ketika dahulu, ku benci terhadap bapaku. Ku kira bapaku membenci diriku juga. Kebencian memuncak pabila ku terlepas percakapan terhadap bapaku. Leherku ditarik, dikepit dgn lengan bapaku. Nyarisku putus nafas. Keadaan tenang selepas hari itu, namun daku dan bapaku jarang sekali bercakap selepas hari itu. Ku masih kecil, ku begitu membenci bapaku. Pernah ku ingin adikku pula dimarahi sedemikian. Apabila benar adikku dimarahi, ku akan berasa amat puas.

Umurku 11 tahun. UPSR. apakah itu? Namun ibuku sering memberikan diriku buku utk diulangkaji. Matematik. Sains. Bahasa Inggeris. Bahasa Melayu. Ku tidak mengerti mengapa ku harus berusaha. Ku tidak mengerti "apakah masa hadapan?" "apakah yang aku ingin jadi pabila besar kelak?". Namun ku perasan ku boleh sekurang2ny menagih sedikit kasih dari ibubapaku yang waktu itu cukup memanjakan adikku yang terkecil. Ku belajar bersungguh-sungguh. Helai demi helai, isu demi isu, buku demi buku. ku ingin mendapatkan seolah2 pengikhtirafan dari ibubapaku. Oleh sebab pembelajaranku yg semakin ketat, ku jauh dgn kawan2ku. Hidupku bergelumang dgn buku. tuisyen. sekolah. sekolah agama. Bapaku pula balik malam, masih jarang bercakap dgn ku. Ku ingt lagi betapa takutny diriku pada Hari Raya. Hari anak memohon kemaafan dari bapaku. Kerana ku rasa ketika raya tahun itu, bapaku hanya mngucapkan sepatah 2 kata kepada ku. ku rasa beza skali dgn adikku.

Umurku 12 tahun. Seperti dijangka, mendapat 5A dalam keputusan UPSR. ku gembira. ku nampak ibuku gembira. bapaku juga mula bercakap dgn ku. ku rasa usahaku mndatangkan hasil. Ianya sedikit demi sedikit, akan tetapi kami mula berkeluarga. =)

Part 2 smbung akan datang..kalau ak berkelapangan dan keadaan mgizinkan. daku mngantuk =.=

[WARNING : NSFW material. if you are offended by the extreme behaviour of a picture in this site, well start close this tab. :X]

hmm..where should i start..

friday night - after a gruelling weekend, pulling an all nighter playing Gears of War. excellent gameplay. slow on story. bugs, bugs everywhere. but dont mind that. IT IS WORTH IT. definitely game-of-the-year material.

saturday night - working on psm. (really!) searching for journals on abdominal aorta...when a friend of mine just crashed into another motorcycle. with my motorcycle. and he ain't got any motorcycle license, plus crashing in front of a police roadblock. things can't get any better. hmm.

sunday - negotiate with the second party in the accident, then went to gambang police station, only to be redirected to the police HQ in kuantan. Saw my friend in the hospital. his right thigh bone, broken. he is extending this sem, when this happened. feel sad though.


after settling with the sergeant, and getting a reward of rm150 worth of fine, zz. back to gambang police station. waited for the police investigator to take pictures of the motorcycle, then finally gotten my bike's key back. wanted to start the motorcycle...then noticed something. my kick starter gone. wtf. and there's no open workshop in the area. great. just great. gone back to UMP, only to be exhausted and sleep.


monday -

psm only half done, and i haven't started on stress analysis yet. both on tuesday. plus quiz today, in pekan.
and i have to get to gambang police station in morning to push my bike to the nearest workshop. haih.

what a weekend. but i have worse. really?

happy new year guys.
not much of a post, but have to do for now.
been busy lately, this sem's timetable is really is a pain.
weekdays been like the day where i can finally get some rest. (that ended up in 20 hour sleep in a sunday. lol.)

god. im so tired. :(

Date : Wednesday, 2.17 pm
Weather : Sunny, Cloudy Skies. Hot.

Currently listening to : "Stay" by Estrella

Got some time b4 final next friday, and my head felt like a spinning top, all thanks to DoW, RE5 and ear pains. Meh. Better than playing that forsaken game, WoW. Mati la final ak kalu main game xda life tu. haih. However, i still read the Heat Transfer pretty minimally, or i am just naturally plain lazy? haha. kne study lagi ni. ho damn.

Study leave come and gone, and agains, the finals are here. Which means its the end of yet another semester at UMP. But i felt the end half of this year is the one of the best time of my life i had. Even though everyday is tiring(Going to Pekan by buses is a pain). I managed to get in contact with some old friends, live at KK2 with some new ones) and best part of all, find some friends who actually understand some portion of myself. haha. Kinda reasonable.

end of the semester means somebody has to go and graduate. And this year, quite a lot of my friends did that. (Kadok, Wan, Hare, Louis, Ihsan, Mah and other guys from UMP WoW gamers, here's a shout to ya! DAMN YOU ALL! XD ). Glad that i had seen their faces for the last time before all this will be over.

Speaking of leaving the UMP, my current housemates, the DEE electrics boys is also leaving the uni for LI prac. I cant say that we were close or something, cause we haven't got that far in our relations(just a few months :| ), but i know that we probably keep in touch, wherever we are.

---

Many things in this semester i have felt and done.

Stupid things. Many stupid things.

Joy and Laughter.

Sad and Despair.

Friends and Responsibility.

Maybe physical things will come and gone. Maybe people will change, as time flows. Maybe i will die in the next day. but i know. that my memories, my time spent with you guy are forever within me. geez, that sound corny.

Sometime near the future, what it could be like? No use thinking sbout it now though. Gotta make though this final exams. Yoshaaaaa!!

p/s: gonna be back and edit this post with some pics. The net been slow all day lately. wu