Delightful!

I use that word to describe lots of things.  A yummy wine, a beautiful piece of clothing, a great movie, a fabulous dinner.  All worthy of being "delightful".  This last week I went to a four day Prayer Summit at Cannon Beach.  Yep, four days of praying with women I knew, and those I met for the first time.  It was heavy at times, emotional, freeing and yes... delightful!

I was convicted while I was praying that though I may desire to do ministry, and I am a "doer" at my core, that until I really fully grasped the love of God for me and his heart toward me I would not be effective in any ministry.  This came out of my desire to "do" things for God and help build his Kingdom.  But really that's not what he wants from me.  I delight in so many things, but do I delight in my God, in my Savior?  How can I speak to others of his love if its not at the core of my experience? 

You see I had developed an attitude that Lord didn't want to use me like he was using others.  It was something that had crept in long ago, when some of my dear friends went "off" and left me here.  They were going off to "do" ministry and I was in the same place. Working.  Why was I not sent off also?  It was a very woe is me attitude, and one that at the core questioned God's intentions towards me and how he feels about me.

I needed to bury that disappointment, which was really a lie, so it couldn't poison my thoughts anymore.  But you can't just root out an incorrect thought in one good intention.  It takes some effort to replace it with the truth.  That's when I heard the Lord's voice to me... How often do you just delight in me?  In who I am?  Do you really know me at all?  If you believed those lies about me, and how I feel about you then you don't know me!  It's like when a person you considered a close friend misreads you or your intentions and you are flabbergasted at their response... Don't they KNOW me?  How could they think...  That's the response I was getting back.  I was given a word to combat this.

"I delight greatly in the Lord;

my soul rejoices in my God."

Isaiah 61:10

This is my new mantra.  It's a simple concept.  Just see who my God really is. And delight and rejoice in it.  Meditate on the truth.  See him.



I think I might be pregant.

Yep, you read that right. I know, it surprised me too. It's pretty miraculous considering the circumstances.  I am pregnant with a ministry. The idea has been growing in me since I was 19.  I believe that it is from the Lord and He has given it to me to steward for some reason. One of my amazing mentors has been describing my passion for this ministry to me this way. I joked that it might be the only time I am pregnant with something.  Don't groan here friends and think I am being self-deprecating...it's true, and I might be ok with that. I am excited at the idea of experiencing pregnancy at all. It's giving birth that is the thing that always terrified me.

I was challenged to think about how I would nourish and care for this idea I am pregnant with.  That's a hard one. I mean what do dreams and passions live on? Hope comes to mind, and faith.  How will I continue to hope and have faith that this ministry will come to pass? It's quite difficult at times for it not to be just a pipe dream.  It's one of my greatest fears that I will only ever be just talk about this.  But when you are pregnant, that baby is coming no matter what.  So I think the idea is to prepare as best you can.

Right now my heart just wants so badly to "nest".  I want to create the home for this ministry to happen in.  It seems such an insurmountable task.  I mean I need land, buildings and funding. I do things up in quality fashion also as you know too, so it will take serious funding.  I suppose like all moms I just want the best for my baby.  But what if we end up homeless and on WIC?  That was not what I had in mind. Today we discussed some property that is for sale for a great deal, but where will we find a million or so to buy it with?

I just have a lot of questions and concerns right now.  There isn't any What to Expect When You Are Expecting books that I know of for this.  Not that that would help, because it just ended up making most of my friends who read it paranoid and neurotic. I really want a Father for this baby. I don't want to be a single parent. That is so much to o alone! I need a partner. This is where it gets trippy for me, if it wasn't before.  I suppose the way this works is that the one who impregnated me with this idea in the first place is responsible for this idea.  So my God who loves people so much and wants me to express this love to them is in this with me.  He has the resources of all of heaven and earth and beyond and his disposal.  I suppose I should trust that He is the one who is going to provide for me and my baby.

I am still scared of the birthing process and pains though...and I don't even want to begin think about the translation of stretch marks to this idea!

Plan vs Actual

"The span between life as we intend it and life as we receive it is vast. Our true purpose is worked out in that gap. It is fashioned in the crucible of interruptions." Mark Buchanan The Rest of God: Restoring Your Soul By Restoring Sabbath

Life as I had originally intended it in my dreams and youth is certainly not what I have received. I like the word received here.  What we envision at times is so very limiting on what the Lord intends to do with and through us. When we open our hearts up to see where He wants to take us, when we receive the life He has for us, our perspective changes. The drive falls away and is replaced by seeing His plan.  I still very much struggle at times to see His logic and plan. But looking back I see I have been steered well. He has taken me on a very different path, but I can only be grateful for that.  Can we let go of those intended things without them becoming disappointments that drive a wedge between our Father and ourselves? That is my assignment to reflect on for now. 

At work we talk a lot about how we are doing with our actual results versus our plans.  We are always striving hard to hit plan or do better.  Yet in my personal life I see sometimes my plan is no where close to the actual which is happening.  What is the real "plan" I should be working toward?  See the flaw in the logic I have at times is I think I am driving the plan. When really I never saw the actual plan.  I need to be seeking, looking for His plan. When I orient myself toward that these other things will no longer appear to be interruptions, but purposeful.