Meh

I think I forgot what happiness feels like

突然累了

Just wanted to say I enjoyed my trip in China. Totally no regrets. 

But now... I just feel really tired sometimes. I feel like travelling the world. Not because it is my dream but because I want to get away from everything and everyone here. I feel like I have given all I have to give but still always falling short on expectations. I just want to escape from this feeling. Really feeling tired and not motivated. No routine in my life. At least I am not feeling suicidal I guess. 

Just a little update on 2015

So im writing this post while waiting for a cab. So many things have happened since the last time i blogged.

My thoughts are all jumbled up from the lack of sleep.

I finished a photography certification course wih NAFA. Still quite amazed how i managed to complete the entire course. It really taught me a lot. I also ket many new people and cheers to the friendship.

Signed myself up for a 3 month volunteering program in Chengdu. Currently i have no idea how this isngoing to turn out. I got mixed reactions from friends and family about the trip. I am actually looking forward to the trip though i cannot deny that I am nervous about it as well.

I am also in a new relationship. I guess that came as a shock to many people, but only to people who did not know what happened. I guess after being in a relationship loke that, it makes me realise what I do not want in my relationship. That being said, I am still amazed by how things have been going so far. Thank you for treating me the way you do ♡ although i still respond awkwardly.

 It is quite interesting how a twist of events can make such a difference

As days go by

Some days i wake up feeling like a huge anvil has been taken off my chest. Certain things make me think about the past. But then I remember that I was hoping for something that didnt exist in the first place to happen, and then i would feel better.

The end

I guess this marks the end. Been holding on too long to something that didnt exist.

Feeling very unsure, tired and confused. Broken promises and lies. Guess the only way i know out is avoidance.

Too many doubts and suspicion. Too many unsure replies.

Sometimes i feel like the anxiety is killing me inside slowly, then i tell myself, i am stronger than this.

Guess what i need now is a little distraction from humanity.

confessions of a heartbreak

this is going to be a long post but what happened had really had me standing there dumbfounded.

day 1 (1st april)
for you to say those words so easily, it's like you have been rehearsing what you wanted to say for a long time. i don't even know why and how it managed to be like this between us. too shocked to feel anything. or maybe i was in denial, unwilling to accept how things can change so quickly. just a few days ago we met and had dinner like nothing has changed from the first time we met. i put on a brave front. nothing fazes me or so i thought, maybe i was expecting that this would happen just not this way. spent the whole night thinking that it was not my fault. or maybe it was. the way i allowed things to sink in between us. we never seem to have a normal conversation. the messages that you sent me was like the first conversation we ever had in ages and it had to be like that. it felt an a joke. but i knew inside it wasn't. it was too elaborate to be one.

day 2
i felt angry and betrayed. all those lies that you said. the pictures i saw of you and her. it made me think how little photos we had actually taken together. 5 long years and you always chose to remove all the tags i made and the photos we had taken together when we were together. it makes me wonder what you felt when you were with me and if you really did loved me at all. perhaps you really did like her so much that letting me see all those photos were alright. even thought i suspected foul play i did not confronted you because that would make me seem not trusting and the conversation we had would end up in an argument. i saw all the photos. form the celebration of valentines to how you make her day and how you had taken care of her. it reminds me of what you use to do for me and to imagine that you did the same things to someone else was a total heartbreak. but then again you never gave me flowers for valentines, you never really came and take care of me when i was sick. maybe i seem too strong for you to want to take care of me. but deep down inside i am actually weak. it's not like you haven seen me weak but maybe everything just faded and you only see what you wanted to see. i was so disappointed.
collecting the things at your house makes everything seem to sink in. i thought i was going to cry. every thing was too much to handle. but i did it. i went home feeling accomplished but when night came i couldn't stop to think about what we were in the past. i was preparing to send a long hateful message and you texted me just at the right time. i could sense the hatred or annoyance you had. it's like we were never together. how can things change so much. after talking it felt better. even though i said that we were over, a tiny part of me still hopes that we can work it out. even though i said it would be okay if you were still together with her doesn't matter to me, it did. the smile on your face on the photos reminded me how happy we were together. but now we weren't. the image still so vivid on my mind. can't help but imagine the sweet nothing you used to tell me, you were telling her now.for weeks i saw her liking and commenting on your photos. maybe if i had intervened earlier this wouldn't happen. but it already did.
i made the conclusion that it all happened due to many reasons. the change of job environment for you meant unusual working hours. you picked up cycling and you liked it. i knew you did. i didn't object to you cycling, i was just unhappy about spending less time together but i wasn't angry. and to think that you said i was always angry at you for going to cycle and going to archery really broke my heart because i never would have done that to you. maybe you just didn't understand the way i expressed it. you said you don't have enough time to rest, not enough time to commit to your sports. i let you do what you want. i go the the gym to spend my free hours. i meet my friends and catch up with them. and this was what you repaid me with. every time i asked if you wanted to meet it was always at your place. your parents were always around. maybe because i didn't voice my opinion was wanting to spend alone time with you. or actually i did but you just interpreted that i was angry. i was angry all the time when i was with. at least that was what you thought. after the messages that you sent to me, saying that you don't understand me at all really broke my heart. i thought you did and you didn't say anything after too. i can't believe that you actually said that i forced you into going out with me. i didn't know you felt so bad. if that was the case why didn't you tell me. every time i asked if we were meeting you would say anything. how would i know what you want. the day when i told you to rest for the ride for OCBC you actually went out with her. i was devastated when i found out. the day of the ride she was also there. i don't know if you invited or if she invited herself over. but to think that you would do that and infront of all your friends. i have never seen any of your friends. i was so well hidden. i don't even know how that managed to happen. it's like i was the one who couldn't be seen. the one that needs to hide.
i slept better tonight. after saying what was trapped inside of me.


day 3
i woke up and started to cry. uncontrollably. thinking of the times that we were happy, when we were able to share our thoughts, when we spilled our hearts content. part of me really wanted to return to where we were even though i wasn't even sure it would work out. not sure if i would be able to trust you again. not sure if i would ever feel the same with you. then i remembered what brenda said. the first person when you think of when you wake up and the last person is the person you loved or hate, i don't hate you. i know i love you, i still do.
then i turned on my computer and saw your post on the newsfeed of facebook. she is still liking all your photos. then i think to myself how can someone who found out that you were cheating on her still like your posts. then it occurred to me that maybe she knew what you were doing. maybe she knew it all along. the way she pretended to not know me even though she did when i facebook messaged her. maybe i was too naive. i see the posts she post. it's about loving someone who is broken. maybe that someone was you. maybe you were never going to stop seeing even though you told me you would. maybe i was just buried by your lies. i guess i won't have a say, never did anyway.
today feels like an emotional rollercoaster ride. i don't know what to think of any more. i don't know what to think of you or of her. i'm sick and tired of the lies. i thought you would be honest after what had happened. there isn't any reason not to. i don't know what i can trust any more. now it feels like every day when i wake up i would feel horrible. that is if i can even sleep. slept better last night but i guess tonight would be worse.
i thought i was getting over you. but i guess it ain't going to be that easy.
every one around me was glad that it was over too. maybe i just can't see it yet. i say i can but i was lying to myself. lying to myself there wasn't memories of us that was worth to be kept in my heart.
i was never good at expressing myself i guess. always hid a part of me from the outside world. i thought you would understand me. i told you things that i have never told anyone. things from my past. and to be played by you like that really crushed me. you knew i was vulnerable, different from who i portrayed myself. i had a difficult past and maybe my friends knew but they never did get the whole story. life had been so hard but i thought it would be better. too weak to handle everything. i feel broken. maybe i just need to be alone for a while to think about this. and get some time alone and let time wash everything away. after all these years of being together i don't know if it meant something or if it was just habitual. you say to be friends. but after all these had happened, it is too difficult for me to see you in a different light. maybe i understood where you came from. actually i don't. we were lovers, soul mates, best buddies. i never imagined seeing you with someone else. always thought we would be together. but maybe i think too much. maybe you never felt the same.
the same words you used to say don't mean the same. 5 years ago we were playful and young. now it's ending in sorrow. the words i don't want to hear any more now is sorry or what's spilt cannot be retrieve. when i said i wanted to talk 3 days ago, i wanted to talk about us face to face. to solve what the mess had gotten to. from the first sentence you sent me, i knew it wasn't going to go my way. you don't feel the same for me the way i feel for you. if you don't love me any more then don't show any kindness towards me, for i may fall deeper into the hole that i dug myself in. maybe its just my wishful thinking.


day 4
today felt a lot better. nothing was on my mind. not thinking about anything was good for a change.
until i got a facebook message with regards to you. and hours later you message me.

meeting for the first time after all these had happened wasn't easy. it was awkward. i don't know what to say. i sort of expected what you would say. but hearing your voice made it hard. not sure what to think. i have never seen you like that. it feels horrible for the both of us. i felt so vulnerable. i was too tired after riding to process anything. yet i met you because i thought i would't be able to sleep if i just go home like that.

so many questions i wanted to ask. none of which i wanted the answers to. because i know the no matter what you answered it didn't matter if i didn't believe what you say. the touch which i was so accustomed to has changed. it made me flinched.

day 5
today was a okay day. the rainy weather made it good to sleep in. another excuse to avoid all the issues and just sleep. needed to get the rest i so desperately needed. talked to my mom about the problems she used to have. it makes me scared of the future. i don't want to experience what she had gone through. no one should ever have to go through that. it makes me comprehensive about what i should do next. i know it's my choice and it's what i will have to face in the future. but i don't want to get hurt again and have my friends say 'i told you so'.

i am afraid to get together again. afraid that this would happen again. afraid that we would end up doing the same things again. afraid to return to the mundane relationship. at the same time i worry that the chance would just slip away if i don't grab your hands. this period is so vulnerable. i don't know what to do or what not to do.



friends
to my friends who were there when i needed you, thank you for being there. even though i put up a brave front you guys were always there. getting more upset than me and accommodating to my needs. i felt really cherished by all of you. i would have felt much worse if you guys weren't here. spending all your time with me. i am really grateful. im sorry that i could tell anyone how i felt. but you guys will probably understand me better now.

things may never be the same again but i hope they will get better eventually.

Disappointment rant

Been at home the whole day. Thought that I would be out but I didnt even step out of the house.

Made a plan to go out but got cancelled. Whats the point of making the plan like that. Only leads to disappointment. Im way past the part of being angry. Whats the point. Boring weekends as usual. I might as well make plans with my friends. I dont even remember the last time we went out together for a meal.

If you are going to work. Shouldnt you have the courtesy to tell me that you wouldnt be able to make it and tell me not to wait. Im so sick of forever waiting without knowing the anwser. Why do I have to go to your house all the time and comply to your needs. I have my needs too. Since you are so lazy all the time then you can go be by yourself. Is it thathard to compromise?

I ratjer be working. Facing dogs and other animals. At least I dont have to deal with people. Sometimes I think that dogs are so much better than people. Little faith in humanity.

blogshop

have been putting more effort into the blogshop by adding all of the instocks items and adding preorder section. hope that more people would like the facebook page and start to buy items from the blogshop. the number of view per post have been increasing and thats good to see. 

went to haji lane today and bought a pair of white floral pants. saw a pair of neon coloured heels that were beautiful but too big for me. oh wells.