Grey Area

Saturday, June 27, 2009

1:49:00 AM

Dear Bianca,

Today, I came to PLAY. I remembered you. You crossed my mind so many times till i broke down and cried. It seems so wrong to be partying and grieving at the same time. The music's blasting, there's so many people around me, yet I feel so lonely inside. Nonetheless, I know that you'll want me to party like before. It's so hard. I wished you got well again, I wished you were here, except you'll never be. Didn't think it'll affect me so badly, but it did. I'm gonna take sometime to recover from this sadness. But when I do, it'll be all for you.

Love,

Alex, 0026.

So i realised 2 things. One, the last time I saw bee was at the herstory party, so that's a correction to my previous post. Second, Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett has also passed on. I wonder, is Bianca and Mj gonna have their own jamming session? it'll be cool won't it? Since both love music.. lol.

You know, I was telling Ruby.. it might sound freaky, but.. I have visions of bee being around still. When i'm at PLAY, i can imagine her sitting by the bar, chilling and hanging out. Just last year, this time.. she was on stage with the other andro hunt contestants. When i'm walking around the streets, I can vision her among the crowded sea of faces. It feels like she's still in the hospital. Every time I'm alone, the thought of her crosses my mind. There was another 1 minute of silence for her last night. Irene cried too. So did many. I was glad that two queens did it as a mark of respect. sigh, till then.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

1:29:00 AM

I can't let go.. not just yet;

Dear Bianca,

We had a memorial for you today. I had second thoughts of going, mainly because.. it wasn't right, I wasn't ready to say goodbye, neither did I want to. Nevertheless, I went for it and I saw many familiar faces, two queens helped host the event. I hugged Ruby and Nad. My tears rolled down my cheeks uncontrollably as i sobbed quietly during the one minute of silence. My body shivered when memories of us flashed across my mind. The first time I met you, the house parties and chill out sessions we had. The last hug you gave me, that meant the last time I had ever seen you.

We arranged to chill outside Starbucks when I was back on winter break. I told myself, an hour and a half max.. because I figure we'll have a really weird conversation and then I might wanna run off to escape the awkwardness. Likewise, you thought the same, or so I heard from Ruby. That day, we sat there for almost 4 and a half hours, just talking and talking.. and talking. Time flew by, I remembered. Neither of us wanted to leave because there was so much to say. We talked about our lives, making comparisons about the US and Singapore. We talked about prop 8 and the gay marriage ban in California. No one would have understood me better than you when we came to that topic. Nonetheless, we talked about the future. Your decision to study in one of the Art Universities, be it in New York or California.. I was excited to see you back in the US. We planned to chill at Huntington beach, go for LA/SF pride.. even if you were to study in SF, we would definitely fine a way to meet up. It got late and we had to go our separate ways. I walked you to the train station, we hugged and went our separate ways...

I had no clue that you were sick and in the coma for 2 months till I posted a random comment on your fb wall. I asked if you were going to be in butch hunt this year, but I never got a response from you. A couple of days later, Ruby sent me a message to let me know that you were in the hospital. I broke down and prayed you'll be okay when I got back for summer break. I looked forward to us meeting up and chilling just like old times. I had so much to tell you, every single detail about the life back in the US, but I never got a chance to. That week when I returned, your family sent you back to Houston, TX. I never really got to say goodbye, nor was I able to see you for the last time. Ruby and I talked so much about you.. She told me how you looked up to me because of the whole life in California and fighting for our rights.. it hit me so hard then, to know that I actually meant something to you.. & talking to Ruby, felt like it was the only way I could feel connected to you once again.

On 19th June 2009, you gave up that fight after 4 months. Everything still feels so surreal. I know that I have to let you go, but I can't seem to do so. I'm still having hopes that one day we'll head to Santa Monica pier and chill out with the guitar as you always do. I still feel that you're lying in the hospital and you'll wake up soon. I still have your number in my phone, in hopes that we'll talk again. I still have your picture with me on my wall in LA because you're someone that I can't forget so easily. I still want to go to LA pride with you. You'll recover soon, won't you? why did you have to go? Why did you God have to take you away?

Now, I make a promise that I will go to texas to say my last goodbye to you. It won't be anytime soon, but probably during winter or spring break. I'm not ready to let you go as yet. Every time I walk by wheel-lock place, I would think of you because you lived right there. I used to tell my friends in LA that I had a californian buddy back in Singapore. I used to turn to you to tell you about prop 8. You're sucha kiddo to me, and still is. I'm pretty much in denial still. I feel your presence around, and when I go to PLAY, i'll party for you. When I chill out at the queer places in Sg and LA, i'll do it in remembrance of you. I miss you bianca.

Love,

Alex.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

12:44:00 PM

The Remembered;

As my heart bleeds,

I think back...

To the times we shared,

to the times we met up and chilled,

for all the joy and laughter you brought me,

to all the pride & gayness we had,

to the things we planned to do..

that now will never be done,

but you'll always be in my memory.

A friend I've cherished so much.

I love you, bianca.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

1:25:00 AM

I found out 3 things today;

1) Why do some people drool?

It is mainly a problem with jaw relationships or alignment. If you have inadequate jaw relationships then there’s not a good lip seal at the front, and the saliva, instead of pooling and being swallowed, pours out the side of the mouth. This usually comes from severe overclosure or overbite and with people who’ve worn their teeth down.

http://blogs.nlb.gov.sg/ask/anything-everything/202

2) What are some effects of marijuana?

the most common short-term physical and neurological effects include increased heart rate, lowered blood pressure, impairment of psychomotor coordination, concentration, and short-term episodic and working memory.

http://alcoholism.about.com/od/pot/a/effects.-Lya.htm

3) Lady Gaga reveals the hidden meaning of "poker face".

When GaGa took to the stage at the White Party in Palm Springs, she explained to the roaring crowd that 'Poker Face' is a reference to the expression she pulls when she's having sex with a man, but wishes she was having sex with a woman.

http://music.ninemsn.com.au/blog.aspx?blogentryid=394098&showcomments=true

Go figure.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

1:23:00 AM

The twits are so physics!

I don't know where that came from. It was a jargon formed from the group of us who went back for Sports Camp. The camp was almost the same, on the second day was activities at sentosa. I'm partially burnt by the sun, but it's all good (except when changing clothes, which is like, everyday). Brought my skateboard to school and scootched around for a bit. Went down the mini-ramps, took a look at the new W6 canteen which i've never stepped foot in. Lots of memories from the days back in school. I still miss STA somehow. Heard a lot of changes about RP, i'm glad that i'm not in for all those new changes. It was pretty awesome to sit around with joey and andrew to talk about the tanglin campus cause it was one of the best days ever.

I've been chilling out with ducky for a bit. Gone jamming with floats, and there's a list of people to meet up with except I havn't really gotten down to meeting others as yet. Can't wait for the people in australia to get back here either. I'm wondering how long this summer is gonna be because it sure seems long to me. There's so much to do back in LA, I can even list them! rahh. Okay, so no doubt the food rocks back here. The weather.. doesn't rock that much though.

Gonna go for a couple of getaways before heading back to LA, so I guess I'm gonna look forward to it (: