Singapura, my idol
by alano, the jealous fan
15 Years after buying more than 50% of the shares from Guinness, Tiger's Book of World Records Pte Ltd has published the 65th edition of the very popular Tiger Book of World Records. As usual, Singapore tops the list of record-breakers with USA and China coming in at a very distant 2nd and 3rd position. It is not known why Singapore has suddenly emerged to such a pole figure in the world recently, but intelligence pointed out this is not caused due to Tiger holding the majority of the shares.
The 1st Singaporean record breaker featured in this book is Ms. Iderl Seow who breaks the record of worshipping 32 consecutive idols and changing her idols as fast as the galaxy spins. In the 32nd season of Singapore Idol, Ms. Seow started idolising the very cute and boyish Johnny Lee and has commented that she really believes he will win the Singapore Idol while feverishly sms-ing her votes on her 6G handphone. Ms. Seow is the only proud fan to boast having 32 seperate idols since the start of Singapore Idol. When asked whether she still adores Taufik Batisah, she replies: "Tau what? I don't like Tau Gwa, Tau Geh nor Tau Hweh." At 50 years of age, Ms. Seow also holds another record of not having a boyfriend since she was 16. When asked why, she sadly explains:"Cos i Idol siao lo, always want to look for stead like the idol. But always don't have. Sians." Judges of the Singapore Idol, Mr. Cock Lee and Ms. Jacintha Abishegenadendafennitongkatalimynameissolongtheshowspendstenminutesintroducingme declined to comment on Ms. Seow's record breaking feat.
The Singapore Idol franchise also registers another official world record as the only Idol competition in the world to boast 32 male winners. It also holds another record of having 32 male 1st runner ups as well. Well done Singapore!
Starhub Mobile has announced a $6million revenue in the 1st quarter of this year, $4 million more than the total revenue of last year. Starhub has declined to commit idol voting phone calls and sms-es as the contributor of this 300% revenue boost.
6000 Females aged 16-25 declared bankrupt in the 1st quarter of this year. It is stressed that this has nothing to do with Singapore Idol.
At the finals show, 500,000 screaming female fans jam packed the indoor stadium. Ushers started organizing the fans and separating the Johnny fans from the Fady fans. It’s the 32nd year running that we had two male finalists – one rockerish Chinese and a non-mat looking RnB cool Malay. When do fans ever get bored?
As the fans screamed and chanted “We want Johnny” and “Fady come out” as the show counted down to the opening, lots of billboards can be seen being carried and waved around. The crowd is easily divided into Johnny’s pink coloured fans and Fady’s purple coloured fans.
2 minutes before the show, the lights were suddenly shut off. Police siren rang loudly outside the stadium. Choppers were visibly present circling around the stadium. Suddenly, hundreds of police officers stormed the building, followed by tens of SWAT officers scaling down from the rooftop. 6 anti-protest trucks streamed in from all corners and started spraying water jets at the fans.
“Keep quiet and stay down. Do not protest. I repeat, do not protest. Cooperate with us and you will be safe.” Chief officer ASP Don Po Tes screamed on the loudhailer.
With that, all 500,000 fans were rounded off to the New Changi Prison Terminal 2, voted the best prison in the world this year by Prisons International Committee K Section (PRICKS). “They will receive the best treatment over there, rest assured. We will strive to achieve excellent service standards, aligning with the government’s plans. If our officers treat them well, the prisoners can actually give them a GEMs card. This will in turn motivate our prison officers to strive for more service excellence for the benefit of the country’s service sector.” ASP Don explains to us as he showed us around the facility; we are impressed.
Security checks were put in place as family and friends gathered around the prison facility. It’s visiting day today at Changi and security is tight, much akin to the IMF meetings held 32 years ago. Nobody knows why they never came back to hold their meetings in Singapore ever again, instead choosing neighbouring Batam as their most popular destination.
Many visitors were denied entry into the maximum security prison as they were deemed to have “criminal records”. When interviewed, Mr. Cho Lao Ho answered: “Nabeh, only 45 years ago scold my primary school teacher kena write on notebook by prefect also canot go in.”
Rumours of terrorists rang in to ASP Don as he briefed his team: “Got big group shouting, shoot them! Don’t care! This is an order” With that, the anti-protest team marched in to the prison.
Later in the evening, a group of orientation students from Temasek Polytechnic streamed pass the prison. “TP OOI!” “OOI!”
With that, the anti-protest team stormed the students, shooting without mercy. Upon witnessing this horror, a group of parents waiting to enter the prison shouted at the troops: “KANINA WHY U SHOOT THEM” With that, the anti-protest team fired mercilessly at the visitors. Chaos rang aloud around the prison as more and more innocent people were killed. The security officers shouted at the people to keep quiet. They in turn were shot and killed. As ASP Don witnessed this scene, he shouted at his anti-protest team. He was killed. The anti-protest team screamed in fear as they knew they had done something wrong. They killed themselves too.
Amidst the hordes of bodies and smell of fresh blood, an old man strolled in, with receding hairline and quite gay, clad in a white cloak. Looking at what has happened and amidst the silence of the environment, he muttered smugly under his breath: “ After 32 years, I can take revenge on you idiots who never vote for Jasmine Tye. Go to Hell assholes. Muahhaha.”
N.B Of course, all this are fictitious and would never have happened. Why you may ask? Because, how can Singapore Idol even have season 3? *rolls eyes*
Angered Plutonians attack Earth
by alano, the earth bound plutonian
Early this morning, Singapore Intelligence Agency (SIA) has detected an unidentified object in the skies. It is believed to be the cause of the recent showers experienced in Singapore and the reason behind lousy Singapore Idols.
The SIA has evidence to believe this unidentified object, shaped oddly like a male genetilia, is a spaceship sent from Pluto. The Pluto Conservatory Company (PCC) has confirmed the beliefs. Many have believed the reason for this "unwelcomed" visit from fellow Plutonians is because of the recent removal of their home planet from the solar system by the Space History Information Techology Heads (SHITHeads).
Pictures were captured by the media of this unidentified object approaching the Earth.
The SIA has reason to believe that the spaceship will lengthen itself upon nearing the Earth's atmosphere and attempt to probe the Earth at a rapid speed until most of the Earth's buildings and resources have been weakened. As a final shot, the Plutonian Spacecraft will attempt to shoot a strong jet of toxic Plutonium into the Earth's atmosphere to poison any living creature to death. Many skeptical humans interviewed, upon hearing how the Plutonian spacecraft will attack Earth, have responded with the following words: "It has COME!"
Intelligence have gathered that the spacecraft will eject it's Plutonium toxic directly at the point in the Earth where Singapore lies. Therefore, Scientists all over the world are now gathering upon Singapore, a sunny island off the Straits of Malacca to come up with a solution as to how to stop this phenomenal object from "coming" to the Earth.
Meanwhile, back in Singapore, the People's Important Men Party (PIMP) are gathering to discuss security issues that would be brought upon when the scientists arrive in Singapore. Hotels all over the country have been asked to free rooms for these scientists upon their arrival. Drivers have been trained to ferry these scientists around the island and many voluntary guides have been deployed to guide these scientists around the island when they arrive in Singapore. A countrywide campaign called “Save Me I’m Leaving Earth Soon” (SMILES) campaign have been proposed in view of the arrival of these scientists from all over the world. The SMILES campaign has kicked off to an amazing start with many people sending in pictures of how they would look like “when Earth gets invaded by the angry Plutonians”. The international association of Scientists, Scientists Internationale Association Order (SIAO) has spoken praise of Singapore’s efforts in providing a secure and pleasure location for its Scientists.
Latest reports from SIA have confirmed images of one of the alien Plutonians after it was being shot down while trying to “hump a poodle”. I allege all readers to not be alarmed at the disturbing images about to be portrayed of this fierce looking gruesome alien.
The top scientists have officially touched down upon the sunny island of Singapore and efforts are being made to recover some scientists from China because they always think that Singapore is in China. In the meantime, while waiting for these ignorant scientists, the other scientists are touring the sunny island and some have signed up for tour packages to visit nearby Malaysia, Indonesia and even Thailand. Asian Tourism Arrivals are expected to boom due to this.
As time passes by, many are dying with each minute as the evil Plutonian spacecraft launches its deadly probes on the planet Earth and moans of pain can be heard from the millions of Earthlings with each deep and sensous probe from the spacecraft.
After hours of meetings amongst the elite Scientists, an Asian scientist has come up with a solution to combat the Plutonians. Having initially been ostracized by the other Scientists due to his Asian origins, the other Scientists have finally agreed to follow his recommendations.
The Asian scientist has commented: “Who said that we can only be karate and kungfu masters or open Chinese Food Takeaways in Chinatown and speak with weird accents or be evil Asian mafias who in the end always kena by the chao angmos? We can be scientist also ma!” The Asian Scientist is believed to be of Singaporean origins.
The scientist has stated that the only method of stopping the alien spacecraft is to cover it with a protective sheath made of rubber. This would prevent the spacecraft from ejecting it’s toxic Plutonium into the Earth’s atmosphere which would destroy all of Earth’s mankind. Efforts are being made to produce this “weapon” and Singapore has opened up for applications to companies to spearhead this project. Durex has teamed up with local boys “People of Changi Carpark” (PCC), to submit their application to spearhead this project and they have been viewed as the forerunners of this project. Upon being asked why they have chosen PCC as their partner, the director of Durex, Mr. Con Domisgood have stated that: “Having experience in the Singapore market, PCC would provide us with a competitive advantage over the other applicants and PCC is popular for being able to deal with long shafts day in day out, to the extent of being able to absorb liquids exiting out of this shafts.”
Latest reports from CNN, CCB and KNN have confirmed that the people at Durex-PCC have successfully stopped the toxic plutonium from entering the Earth’s atmosphere. We are safe!
Moral of the Story?
Always wear condom!
