When Hopes are Crushed

Another post written on the 9th of July. At these times I have not once written a blog in a completely positive manner. I was hoping that it would be different this year but apparently it can't. Often I forget to never have high hopes and expectations when it comes to people. Never to look forward so eagerly a day planned to be a happy and exciting one because they always take you by surprise to be disappointing.
A few days ago when the presentation format was announced, I discovered that I would not be able to achieve my vendetta on the Chinese group's presentation. It was unexpected but only 2 of the lecturers and the group themselves will be in the room on each presentation. Meaning I would not be allowed to watch their presentation nor can I have a Q&A session to attack them with. Must be God trying to mess with my luck. But if thats not enough he just has to make my days worse.
I was messaged early this week by Jeslyn asking about my birthday. I felt happy that someone remembered and thought the intent was sincere. How wrong.. again.. I was..
Earlier she suggested we have lunch on my birthday and I was so looking forward to it from since Tuesday. Anticipating.. day by day.. waiting for Saturday to arrive.. now its only midnight of the 9th of July.. and I'm not looking forward to it anymore. Not a few hours ago when we discussed about the time to meet, I found out she had to leave almost right away after our lunch together. I wasn't just disappointed, I felt offended. I know that shes a busy person but I expected that she would dedicate a day to have fun and hang out for at least a few long hours. I even wanted to suggest going to the movies cuz I mentioned before that I was curious of how the cinemas in Manchester are like inside. But no. She can only afford to sit down, eat lunch, and then go to meet her ex-bf, leaving me behind to enjoy myself alone however I want for the rest of the day. Inside, I was enraged... You expect me to walk 20 minutes to the location to have lunch for less than 1-2 hours of meeting up and then leave me to walk back home? The troublesomeness and worthlessness of the time commitment aside, that made an impression to me that shes celebrating my birthday as a duty or responsibility of a friend rather than sincerity. I'm sorry but my birthday is not to be celebrated with people who aren't sincere in my existence in their lives. So I took my group presentation meeting as an excuse. Said I may not make it, do proceed to meet your ex-bf without worrying about me. Avoiding to repeat past mistakes, I had to reply in a happy tone even though I was seriously disappointed to the point that I almost threw my phone across the room. This is when I realize that I need to constantly remind myself to never anticipate anything because consequently, I would only end up hurting myself.
In such a depressing birthday as its always been for the past 5 years, I have only WaiKuan & Steph to thank for making my day a little better. Their wishes and webcamming session was an ointment for my hemorrhaging heart. I saw your post in Facebook, and I take heartwarming comfort to know that I am at least somebody's BFF.. no words can express how much that means to me other than simply.. "Thank You"

This Phantom Needs To Click Fast Forward..

The first quarter of this year was surreal to me.. Alienated, anticipative, fun, enthusiastic, motivated, and then suddenly.. devastated. It felt like time from February to May flew so fast, the first semester ended before I knew it. But why.. June onwards felt like an eternity? It's only been a month of the 2nd semester and it feels like an agonizing wait through a whole year.. Everyday in class I just keep thinking "this lecturer needs to shuddap! End the class already! I'd rather go home and play tanks". The modules they're teaching this semester I really have to say are not worth my parents money. Every subject taught this semester are things I already know or purely common sense that I am already practicing. It's a nowonder I've been skipping so many classes I've lost count already. Further more I'm like a phantom in class anyway, nobody notices my presence there even among my classmates. And still here I am blogging in the middle of a lecture unbothered & unnoticed, makes me wonder why I bother to attend classes anyway. Or is it just merely because everyone including the lecturer sensed my "murderous" aura despite my attempt to put on a smile whenever necessary? Guess my "fake happy mood" didn't work..
The last weekend however was a satisfying and.. Well.. I can't think of a better word than happy and fun. Jeslyn kept her promise despite her crazy schedule and tasks (she's really a damn busy girl lol) and I truly appreciate that. I even felt a little guilty that I might be adding to her busy schedule though she said the was really happy to have a talk with me again. I sure do hope so. Additionally I must say I'm glad we did meet up. On the first and second day at her place I already met quite a number of her friends and another old friend I knew long ago. Her classmate/flatmate/good friend especially was... hot? Bulgarian Vietnamese girl with a "lala" dressing style although so far seems to have a decent personality. The surprising part was she was only 20 when I thought she was 23 like Jeslyn. She caught my attention more when she showed how much interest and knowledge she has about k-pop! I thought "hey, I think I've met a good friend~" LOL.
Short sidetrack : at this very minute writing this blog, I've just checked my email and my exam results have been released. Can't say I didn't expect it but well I've passed every subject though I'm unsatisfied with the scoring with the module which involved my presentation with the Chinese group. I swear they've been bringing me down from the start. No matter, on their next presentation where they've deliberately excluded me from the group, I shall have my vendetta identifying their weakness in their business plan and take advantage of their Q&A to weaken their grades. I'll assure them they'll have my FULL attention. Anyway moving on..
Despite my "undeveloped interest" in this new friend I've met, I'm already determined to avoid any romantic intentions with anyone and focus on my career building. However I'm looking forward to any event that may ensue this weekend if Jes does have time to hang out. I need the escapade from this depressing environment in classes..

No Resets, No Time-machines

One of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life is subconsciously playing through it like a game. And most of the time I keep forgetting that there is no reset button.. No time machine to go back and start over again from the mistakes you've made. My friendship problems in Manchester only continue to pursue despite making some progress. Well, a progress with did not change the overall result though. Dropping down my pride and trying to humble myself, I confronted her and we talked. Explaining all the misunderstandings we had towards each other. But then hoping that we continue to be friends again turned out to be just a delusion. Perhaps we aren't as cold to each other now, so far as observed these few days.. But we still do things separately. We walk the same road home, we go to the same class, and we have the same class schedule. But even yesterday, we still go home separately, we seat different tables in the cafeteria, we seat at far ends of every class. She keeps reminding me that I think too much and I'm too sensitive and she's right to an extent.. But I can't help thinking that she isn't really willing to open any doors to me yet, perhaps even never considering we have only limited time left to continue being in the same class.
At the same time, learning from this incident I've decided to mend up some old wounds. Besides Qing in class, there was like I think 3 others who I ended on bad terms with in the past. Ironically all were girls and 1 of them I've completely lost contact with for at least 5 years but I don't think I will want to go through the trouble reestablishing contact with her all of a sudden since I don't think I'll ever bump into her again. The other was my ex who considering she's become a mother now, I don't think I have the emotional resilience to confront her ever again. So the only one left was Jeslyn, who we left on bad terms for (I'm shameful to say) menial reasons. Also considering she's probably like only 30 minutes away from me in the same city halfway across the globe, I thought it is only right to reconcile with her. And so I did. Perhaps that was the only good thing that's happening so far this past few weeks. We made up and looked forward to some outing sometime soon hopefully, but I understand she needs to focus on the job opportunity at hand first.
For a long time I arrogantly thought to myself that I was smart and intelligent without need to declare it. How wrong I was because the truth was that I was merely being sensitive and making a fool of myself babbling the "wisdom" that comes out of my mouth. It became a plague that corrupted my subconscious mind and it became a habit that I fail to see without looking in the mirror but obvious to those who see it. That was my bigger mistake, to arrogantly argue with the comments people were trying to point to me, to help me. And I turned my back to them and there goes 1 good friend gone for a long time.
I try to manage this going through my studies and just pass for the masters I seek to obtain by coming here. I'm well aware my graduation takes priority in this 2 years, but I'll be lying if I said this social defect wouldn't influence my performance and grades. Of course I try to do this as maturely as possible to not let it affect me, but it's hard.
Usually at times like is i would say "God I hope everything will be better soon" but the fact that I lost faith in Him still remains. I would just be lying to myself even if I say I believe in Him and trust he would take care of things for me. I just couldn't. Not after how he dealt with trust.

I Need A Defibrillator

To resuscitate myself from this suffocating environement...
For the very first time in 6 years after my study days in Melbourne and also since my entry to Salford Uni, I've deliberately cut class yesterday. Not that it is important to attend it's the first class of the semester, probably just introductions. But The point was.. I lost my will and interest to attend classes now, despite my determination for 100% attendance. And there it goes, flying away gone forever.. It used to be fun coming here.. I used to wake up like 3 hours early before class hours, cleaning myself up, having breakfast, and travel to class leisurely. Now? I'm taking short and slow steps walk to uni, heavy hearted and reluctant to enter the classroom, forcing myself to go anyway only for the technical reasons.
Making my day worse, it's been decided 2 classes this semester will be having group presentations again.. Considering the last semester's group works I had was nightmare, and on top of that being cold shouldered in class. First group seems fine.. So far.. I'm not clear on the whole picture who's in my group. The other 1 however I'm totally clueless since I cut that class yesterday. And I'm not sure I want to find out.
Sigh... It's tiring I know. I've got nothing but negative stuff to say the past week. So what's "positive" in my recent days then? Can't think of anything so far besides my games? Only thing keeping up my mood. I got a perfect score in the tank game I played yesterday with no deaths in my team~ YAY!~ there.. something positive at last right? Feels comforting again when I distract myself making SNSD portraits for my tank crew in my game. Sounds weird and all especially that I know even among the guys would wonder what's so interesting about an online multiplayer tank game? I was skeptical too but just gave it a try (it's free anyway) and it got addictive surprisingly. To the point I payed £42 for premium items in it. That's like RM210 in conversion. Stephanie was like "walauweh expensive sia" haha I know..
Aihz... Pathetic.. The only good thing in my recent days are PC game, PC games & PC games..
Think I know I should do! I'm gonna make something nice to eat right this minute and crack open a bottle. Been keeping it for any special occasion but now its safe to assume I won't be expecting any occasion to celebrate for the rest of the year. Bottoms up!!

25 Year Old Embryo

Alone in the library.. That's how I usually start right? Nobody here in this quiet area but me. Lucky? Perhaps.. On the perspective of my whole life though, not really lucky. Failed relationships, ex marries off other men, flunked degree graduation, 3 wasted years of loafing and jobs with peanuts wages, and just when I thought I finally have my chance to set things right, reset my whole university life, I failed again within 2 months. Not its not my education, I am confident in my exams and assignments in fact. What I failed was actually relationships here with people I thought could be friends. And we all barely knew each other for just 4 months and I've made enemies already.
The finance exam day as mentioned in my previous post, I was unconfident bout being able to pass this module since it was my weakest due to lack of attention in the semester. But I did what I could within the 2 days of study and revision I had left. Studying and learning the topics focused on referring to past exam papers and lecturer's pointers. Obviously with so little time I didn't study everything in the book but I managed to quickly understand those parts involved in the sample past papers. At the end of the exam Im confident, calculatively speaking I secured enough marks to pass. Naturally I should be happy and relieved as it was the last exam of the semester, but I didn't. It was at the same time I noticed almost half of the class, mostly the Asian female classmates of mine, are giving me the cold behavior. Ignoring my presence, as if I'm not there. Unresponsive to my attempt to converse. It was clear at this point that there's no salvation for the bond between us. Literally speaking, I'm viewed in class now as the "bad guy" or outcast specifically.
I knew in my gut today's class would be another gloomy day for me. But all cuz of thinking about my parents expectations, I had to go anyway and get done with this course and leave. I entered class hoping it will be just another normal session sitting in our separate places listening to lectures but no, it had to be a group discussion again.. What a bummer.. And on top of that, grouped with the most particularly hateful of my unfriendly lot. It didn't take long for my lecturer to notice our awkwardness that she requested to speak with me outside class within like 10 minutes after I sat down. As expected of a lecturer, they aren't concerned what exactly happened between us cuz they're not consultants anyway, but she was at least understanding that she promised me not to group with the people I mentioned in the future. I know it doesn't help improve our relationships but at this point, it's one with no return, no hope, no salvation. My friendship with Qing, Wenya, Yanqing, Steven and Dalya are gone forever, and I'm getting the feeling Yen and her housemate may follow very soon. Joey's fine so far but couple minutes ago he still sticks with their group and completely ignores my wellbeing. No invitations to lunch or questions to where Im going.. Conclusively, everyone doesn't care about me anymore.. It just you and me now my little PC.. Nobody left to interact with except for my computer games and MMO where there are also people to talk with but nothing personal nor in long terms. Only thing keeping me from being insane.
At times like this I do miss my true friends. And in the "failed" zoo trip on saturday I began to think of my true friend back in Msia. So I called WK, then Stephanie, and then Careena, whom did cheer me up in my gloomy zoo visit. Though little disappointed WK wasn't around to pick up the phone, but that's to be expected knowing her nature. Musta been surprising to those who know me why I would be at the zoo. Careena and Steph were. They couldn't believe it I would bother looking at lions or monkeys whatever. They were right, of course I don't. Zoos were never in my list of favorite places to visit.I hated the smells of animal poo and pheromones, and nothing in the animal kingdom interests me. But I agreed to join in the trip anyway, because I thought it would be fun to hang out with friends no matter where we go. But that bitch's boycotting just wouldn't stop, and everyone who went there some I was fine and friendly with at first turned sour later in the trip. Everyone left me alone in the train station going off somewhere without telling me where and I was all alone on the bench waiting for the train to arrive. I have truly regretted going on is trip, not only was it not beneficial nor productive, it was a waste of £24 in total traveling costs. The entire purpose of the trip was bust. This barrier between me and PRC people is just too great beyond just language.
Now it's almost time for another class again.. How much more will I be able to endure this torture I don't know. But any more depressing than this I might actually die of depression before I go suicidal again.

Welcoming myself back

2011...

feels like just last month I blogged.. no doubt lotsa stuff happened.. and I am reopening this blog publicly just so anyone who bothers comes to see my ranting without them needing to know who I am.. brings comfort to myself to express my thoughts without necessarily having anyone I know personally to excruciate themselves reading my posts. so yeah, none of my acquaintances know of this blog.. or at least some who visited in the past thinks its closed permanently.. to me its probably better that way..

so I'm theoretically committing suicide now as I am 9 hours exactly away from my last exam of the semester (which suffocatingly the next semester starts 3 days later) on a module which I am weakest at and I am here blogging.. with no specific people to let read on top of that.. to make things worse I revisited my Facebook page briefly only to log out, (as expected) depressed, devastated (again), and.. well what else can I say?.. I'm just totally mortified in short. Think its been two years already at least since I last talked to her.. and I just couldn't bring myself to even look at her again.. its my 60% reason for quitting FB. Last year on my birthday month I discovered she was married to some guy I never heard of. Was only less than a year since we broke up that time.. Slut... then again just when I thought I take a brief visit to my FB again just now, her baby's photos show up.. huh.. this God almighty sure likes to play pranks on me..

Been 4 months already I've been in Manchester.. was quite the rush considering all this wasn't planned until January which gave me 3 weeks to get all the procedures done to fly here and study business.. if theres anyone who knows me reading this, yes.. me, a design graduate, left the stressfully excessive overtime studio work life to reset my youth into the business field.. I have reasons.. mostly its money related.. I guess the main factor that drove me to this decision was.. well.. my failed love life.. petty and pathetic as it sounds, I gave up pursuit of my dreams to be a married man.. certainly it is what I want the most deep in my heart even now but my surrounding says otherwise, its unachievable.. so I diverted myself.. if I can't obtain love, I'll obtain wealth.. so much more controllable and effort dependent.. and partially also to convince myself that money.. in this corrupted world as it is.. could actually 'buy' love.. does make sense since every woman wants a husband who is financially secure.. but doesn't make sense that money could buy faithfulness and loyalty.. the ultimate quality I seek in the woman I love.. I have not seen or met any such women and even those I thought were so turned out to be disappointing.

subconsciously, this perspective of mine did turn out to be a double edged sword.. as i said again, 4 months since I'm here in Manchester, and I already made some enemies among the women especially.. to be specific, only some 3 or 4 Chinese classmates.. In the first two months having class together, we were great.. having fun etc.. now? how the hell did this happen I don't have a clue.. these girls now look at me like a criminal.. all since that bloody group project that went disastrous, this girl who is 7 years older than I went from brother-sisterly relationship to sword-eyed enemies.. I admit I did have some wrongs on my part and I apologized.. and I tried to reconcile but shes not giving in. And her disrespectful actions just blew it all apart.. by not using the slides I toiled through the night to do by her request.. all this is just long story short though..

well seems I managed to distract myself from that depressing element now.. 8 hours left maybe I should do a quick revision and get some sleep.. good luck to me cuz I'm damn sure gonna need it for this exam module..