I think seven months is enough time to have let pass that I can think
about the experience and not hurt while not enough time for it to be
hazy.
We went through a lot to bring William into our family. I'll admit when I hold him in my arms I don't think about all it took, I just feel grateful.
I
went into labor Sunday, October 2 at about noon. Dani, Sean and Maddie
came over about 4 for dinner. I made dinner in between contractions,
and then despite being the complete opposite of hungry, ate dinner at
the urging of my sister who reminded me it might be a while before I
would get the chance to eat again. Zack drove me to the hospital about
6pm and I was admitted. When I got to the hospital they asked if I
wanted an epidural. I told them absolutely but that I'd wait a while. I
was only at a 3 and remembering what I felt like to be in labor with
Jack, I didn't think it hurt enough to warrant an epidural yet. So I
waited.
When I was about a 5 I decided it was time. I still wasn't in
as much pain and I remember having been, but I didn't want to end up
like all those stories of women who waited too long to get their
epidurals and couldn't get them in the end. So the anesthesiologist
came in and administered the epidural. With Jack the relief of pain was
so great that I would have thrown Zack overboard for my
anesthesiologist, but this time no matter how high they turned the meds
up I still felt each and every single contraction in the left side of
my body. The right side was totally numb, but the left side felt it
all. They gave me some morphine which made me feel totally drugged, but did nothing for the pain. I waited another hour or so because I really didn't enjoy the
epidural process, but by that time I really was in pain and not able to
sleep at all between each left sided contraction. So I asked for
another one. This one was worse. For the first time ever I truly
understood Annee's
fear of needles. I was practically hyperventilating and shaking while
he was inserting the needle and was on the verge of throwing up. It was
horrendous. And then it was over. The first epidural took care of the
right side and the second epidural took care of the left side. I was
finally able to get some sleep. I won't go so far as saying if we ever
have another child that I would opt out of the epidural, but I
definitely wont ever be so callous to women who say their epidurals
weren't sent from heaven above.
It was a long night,
and they left me alone for a while. For some reason all of the
equipment in my room kept running out of paper, or batteries or anything
else they could run out of, resulting in things beeping incessantly
throughout the night. When they finally came to check on me after a few
hours they realized that Will had had his first mecomium and I was
covered in it. This meant that although I was ready to push, I had to
wait until the Level 1 nursing staff was available in case they had to
incubate the baby. I think after all the meds,
I was numb. I remember thinking how so much had gone wrong in
conceiving, carrying and now delivering this baby. They warned me to
not be alarmed if they baby didn't cry because his lungs might be full
of mecomium.
I don't even know why they would think I could possibly be anything but
alarmed if he didn't cry. Once the nursing staff arrived, a few pushes
and all 9 pounds of William was born. The nurses quickly scooped him
up and started suctioning him. I think it was 30 seconds before I heard
a cry. He was icky all over, but perfect. Blue eyed, blonde haired baby. How it is possible that I get two of these choice angels here on earth?
My mom brought Jack to the hospital a few hours later after he
got out of school. He brought my a present, and a birthday cake for
William (he was more then willing to help William blow out the candle.
That's what big brothers are for right?).
He kept asking if he could
stay at the hospital with us. I think it was only the 2nd night he'd
ever been away from us, so it was huge in his life and in ours. I cried that night. Not out of sadness or happiness either. Just because I didn't know how I could possibly survive loving two children as much as I did. Loving Jack had felt so full and complete, and now, adding a second child, somehow it felt like my heart was puckering at the seams. All of my heart belonged to Jack. All of my heart belonged to Will. All of my heart will forever belong to Zack. I think I cried that night as I grew an extra heart.
Months have past now. I'm sitting here as Will naps upstairs and
Jack is at school. There have been moments with our new family of four
of pure bliss where I have never felt closer to heaven. There have
been moments of pure chaos where Zack is lucky I didn't drive both kids
to his work, drop them off and drive away. There have been countless
moments that held a little bit of each in them. I had 6 years of parenting just
one child. Of being able to be there 200% for him each and every
day. It is taking time to figure out how to balance being there in the
way that I need to for both of these little boys. Jack is forgiving, and
patient. William is forgiving and patient (most of the time). I just
have to learn to be forgiving and patient with myself and to strive each
day to be more deserving of these two miracles we're raising.
